The Qwaser of Stigmata Episode 19 - Secret Flower Garden

Hey there, Internet.

It's been awhile. A very long while. So what happened? Well, my body decided that it was time to take a break. A very, very long break. From everything not involving work.

It has come to my attention that there may be some medical reason for this. Personally, I think it is my body trying to tell me "WATCHING TERRIBLE ANIME IS A BAD IDEA AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR DOING IT."

But, eh, that's just a theory. What does my body know anyways? It's not my boss. Pfft.

So on that note, I'm back, and picking up right where I left off - with Qwaser. Because I'd really, really like to write about Sailor Moon on Monday.

... oh god did I actually just admit that on the Internet? Clearly I've been away for far too long...

Oh Qwaser. You know just how to start an episode off - with a pair of naked tits wondering what is going to happen next. Remember Tomo and her kidnapping thing? Welp, turns out she is in some SUPER SECRET EVIL UNDERGROUND LAIR.

... and there's a Tusken Raider with pink hair, I guess.

You cannot honestly tell me that mask doesn't make her
look exactly like a goddamn Tusken Raider. YOU CANNOT.

But shut up Tomo and let the doctor get disgusted as you become turned on by her (him? I dunno he's some androgynous looking mother f***er) as they probe your vaginal cavity.

I'm detecting a bit of side-boob so I'll say she's a chick for now.

Then they begin to science on her boobs, Tomo gets turned on, and machines explode because SCIENCE.

I. I don't. I can't even. What is life?

But then Tomo becomes Gold Qwaser and is all "OKAY WHAT THE F**K PEOPLE. STOP TOUCHING MY BODY."

Then promptly says she'll go back to sleep and don't mess with her or else good night. OPEN DEM CREDITS BABY, EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SHOW ABOUT MAGICAL BOOBS IS BACK.

Y'know what I didn't miss? This shitty intro. Seriously. Didn't miss it one bit. It is still just every bit as misleading as it was before. In fact, I kind of preferred the original opening over this.

But nevermind that, because Sasha is fighting some dude with teleporting powers. I'd almost forgotten! Yes, let's attack the iron Qwaser with pipes, that will work out so well I'm sure. Blah blah "that all you got" blah blah "take this" blah blah explosion. I'm not even going to pretend to try to understand the bullshit pseudo-science going on here. Seems pretty obvious to me they stopped trying to explain shit like, ten episodes ago.

No, wait, nevermind, they're trying to explain it anyways. My bad.

Yeah, because the electricity thing really didn't make that
obvious in any way whatsoever. Thanks.

So great we know what your powers so who are you anyways?

Uh... bless you?

Okay. So, once again I put my Google-fu to use, and here's what I came up with: Vajrapani is some weird Buddhist thing that I'm not going to pretend to comprehend. Basic gist is, dude was the Buddha's bodyguard or something. Okay, cool. That other bit? F**k if I know. For all I can tell it's some shit he made up, since the closest thing I can find happens to be some weird Danish bullshit that I cannot read. Chances are I'm just looking up the wrong thing, but the real question is, do I actually want to try to dig into this any deeper to point out how f***ing bizarre this show has gotten?

The answer is no, no I do not, and we are moving the f**k on thank you very much.

This statement makes even less sense given what I know now. Ugh.

Okay, so wait. Hold on. You've come... from some foreign land... to protect Japan.

That's the basic gist of the shit this salesman is trying to peddle here. I'm not really buying it, because it makes no goddamn sense. But hey, it's not like this is the first time I've said that about this show, is it?

He goes on to say about how bro was about to use the Sword of Maria or some shit, and then he's all like "I want that thing" or something...? I... have no idea actually. They just kind of talk, and then... stop fighting? And wander away? While that one evil dude watches on? Oh the noes, seems like that Sword of Maria thing revolves around Mafuyu just as planned? Fufuf**k this.

You know what we haven't seen in awhile? Naked girls! So let's see Mafuyu sitting on a bed with that one chick that totes wants to rape her as they stare at this wicked glowing blue tat which suddenly showed up on Mafuyu. Ain't that just sweet? But then Sasha shows up to, er, save the day or something?

"Hey I was only going to rape her with the best of intentions!"

Then orange hair walks off and is all "yo have fun" and now Mafuyu is naked and tattooed. Sasha seems kind of worried and then it is evening and they are in a park somewhere. They meet up with the intolerable gothloli bitch, who is all "yo where my egg why can't you find that oh whatever, what's up with quiet girl?" And then they get joined by TOTALLY EVIL TEACHER DUDE.

Don't mind me, I'm just casually passing through. I mean it!

Gothloli needs to pretend to cute, dude walks off and is all "yep not buying your shit" and walks off with SUPER DRAMATIC MUSIC as Mafuyu sees her tattoo appear and disappear. Now it is night! Boobs are getting suckled on! Tomo finds herself getting nibbled on by that doctor from earlier.

*slams head against keyboard*

Then some dude walks in, is all "yo time fo- WHAT THE F**K" and she all yells, kicks him out and slams the door and immediately returns to her 'examination'.

Oh wait no nevermind, she ran out and left the dude with Tomo. Wait, we know this guy?

Oh right, that guy from that... one time.
... yeah drawing a blank here sorry.

I don't feel too bad about forgetting this dude because even Tomo has no idea who he is. But thanks to the magic of a flashback, we remember he's that Spike Spiegel-looking mother f***er who... tried to kidnap Tomo and instead wound up cooking.

That's nice, you can go away now.

He then realizes that she is very naked, blood goes all over the place, and she puts on a dress finally.

Which almost guarantees she will be doing just that in like,
five minutes, tops.

Oh, he said we can't leave. What a tragedy! Guess we will look out the window wistfully while considering how worried our best friend must be, while being reminded that we are housing the big bad in our body. Not a big deal. Look on the bright side though, you'll be fine, everyone likes you and just wants to rape you.

Eventually dude leaves her alone to get dinner, and she narrates where she is while we return to Mafuyu holding her ugly bunny and flashbacking some more to when they laid in bed naked together all those nights and whoa okay hold on I am pretty sure Mafuyu didn't suckle on any boobs.

Oh wait, no, nevermind. That's just Tomo having a dream.

As her breasts are being sucked on by a F***ING DOG.

A DOG.

A F***ING DOG.

I. I don't. I can't. I just.

Y'know what?

I am this. Close.

THIS F***ING CLOSE.

I just. YOU HAVE THIRTY SECONDS QWASER. THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE I DROP YOU. I WILL GIVE YOU THIS MUCH, AND NO MORE. PROVE TO ME YOU ARE NOT WORSE THAN KNJ.

PROVE IT!

No. No no no. NO. JUST NO. DON'T YOU DARE.

Little girl gets mad at the dog for 'not playing with her'. Dog runs off. Girl introduces herself as Astarte.

... I'm really getting sick of your shit, Qwaser. Really, really getting sick of it.

When what?

You know it's bad when the last scene was so bad even the translators had to down a fifth of scotch just to finish the script.

Doukan is... a person? A really nice person that takes care of Astarte? Okay. Fine. They walk through the place talking about why Tomo is here. Maybe she's also a candidate to be a High Maria? So they talk about Mafuyu or something. Eventually the montage ends and the girl is all "I can totally get you out of here!"

So they go up a tower, and Tomo is all "you could totes come to Japan with me but you'll need to bring your parents", little girl slips and falls and I'm probably going to quit this show in the next three minutes. I just feel it coming on. The show is due for some seriously WTF factor, and I'm pretty sure whatever it is will simply break me.

They get to the top of the tower, find out that they are... on an island.

In the middle of nowhere.

But then the little girl falls over the side while pointing out where there should be a boat, and the little girl is all "never left and really wanna go".

So Tomo resolves to show the little girl the outside world. But first they need to find a dog.

But then the stone cracks and falls apart and they fall over and get rescued by... some dude.

I'm sure he is a swell dude.

Cut to.... this scene.

What the f**k anime am I even watching anymore?

Oh and Joshua is that weird chick's older brother or something WHO CARES. BESTIALITY IS STILL A THING THIS SHOW HAS STOOPED TO.

So the asshole in the middle is all "Blah blah you're a Carbon manipulator you suck".

... you do realize that should, theoretically, but stupid powerful right?

Of course you're not. Why would you even be.

So then they suddenly fight. She materializes weapons out of thin air, and he uses a "Gamma Ray".

.... explosions, she winds up winning somehow, she realizes it's because of Tomo's Soma, and then starts feeling sick. Then scar face dude yells at everyone and they stop fighting. The girl gets blamed for starting the fight, Joshua shows up to prostrate himself before the dude to spare his sister and...

... f**k this show.

Yeah. That's it. I am just. I'm done. I'm done with this show. Finished. I can't take any more. It has been given way more than thirty seconds to redeem itself. On the plus side, is it worse than Kodomo no Jikan?

Nah.

But it has really, REALLY tried very f***ing hard to be.

And that should be a crime in and of itself.