Oh god, here we go. The first episode of Sailor Moon. Of course, for reference, I am watching this in Japanese. Which makes me feel strange, because the song is so similar, yet entirely different. Heck, one might even say it is kind of an improvement.
So it opens up with young girls in skimpy outfits who are likely to get the crap beaten out of them. There are also cats. God bless Japan. I am a little disappointed, though. I kind of miss the FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLIGHT, SEEKING LOVE BY DAYLIGHT, NEVER RUNNING FROM A REAL FIGHT-ness of the English version, but that's okay. If it doesn't make me immediately want to punch a clown in the face, I'll take it. This is acceptable.
Guess we'll move beyond the title slide now.
Oh, hello bunny. I mean, Usagi. You are fourteen years old. Wait, fourteen? Holy crap. And you are late for school, great times doofus. Seriously, what mother names their child "bunny"? I'm pretty sure that isn't actually very common in Japan.
Oh look, some children are busy torturing some poor defenseless cat. That is saved by a rabbit. I'm pretty sure there's a joke in there somewhere.
Oh look, the cat is a ninja cat, who has a crescent moon on her forehead (totally didn't see that one coming). But instead of fighting the ninja cat, someone remembers that she has school that she is going to be late for. I expect this to become a recurring gag very quickly.
So instead of serving your punishment, you want to eat in the hallway? This girl is going to get fat. Fat and stupid. She is never, ever going to amount to anything this way.
So I guess the rabbit has some actual friends. A redhead by the name of Naru, and some nerdy cardboard cutout named Umino. He is probably enthralled by her blonde hair or something.
Oh look, there's some chick called Sailor V running around beating up bad guys or some thing. And true to form, the only person who knows absolutely nothing about this V is our heroine. You would think that maybe, just maybe, if some vigilante was running around your hometown, beating the ever-living crap out of jewelry thieves and other brigands, that maybe, just possibly, you would have at least heard of them? But then again, our heroine is a blonde, so I guess that pretty much explains the whole thing.
Enough ranting, let's see what happens next. Oh look, someone wants a diamond ring. So, she's a blonde, AND she's a gold digger. Already, she is turning out to be everything we always hated growing up in high school - the stupid, empty-headed blonde girl who only seems to care about getting a man, and who you were pretty sure was going to get exactly what she wanted, but be too stupid to realize just what kind of a raw deal she was going to be getting.
Wait, didn't I say I was going to continue on with this episode? Look at me ranting when there's so much anime to be done. We're only five minutes into this episode, and there's a whole 16-some minutes left? Oh man.
So, all it takes to get the heroine excited is the thought of going to a jewelry store with her friend, leaving the ronery nerd to his ronesome. So sad.
Meanwhile, in the FORTRESS OF EVIL, there is a chick with long red hair. I get the distinct impression she is probably a pretty angry chick. She's also looking for some silver crystal thingy, which I guess is a replacement for human energy? Well, she calls up this blonde prettyboy named Jadeite, who is all "yeah, I got a monster for all your energy-sucking needs, I got this sis."
Japan is truly a different place. Only in Japan would they ask you to come into a jewelry store and try on their wares. Except this is no ORDINARY JEWELRY STORE. No, this is an EVIL JEWELRY STORE. Pretty sure there's a subliminal message there.
Oh look, poor Naru's mom is actually an evil monster. Part of me finds this a little bit hilarious. "OH hey, look at this diamond ring that's 500,000 yen. I'll give it to your bunny friend for 30,000." What the hell? That's not even a clearance sale price. That's like saying, "Hey, this thing is like, $400, but for you, I'll give it to you for like, twenty bucks." And this doesn't set off any alarm bells with anyone at all? Pretty sure you don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that there's something really off about the whole thing. But poor bunny is sitting back, pushed away by all the violent, crazed shoppers wanting the ring, trying to figure out how the heck she's going to buy this thing - I guess she used up her allowance, and since she can't even score half on a test, her dad is probably gonna pull out the cane on this one and paddle her something good. I mean really, you can't even get 50% on a test? That takes talent for sure.
Poor girl doesn't have twenty bucks to buy a ring. Well, at least she seems to have some semblance of morals, deciding she doesn't deserve something when she's such a failure at life. Point one for the bunny. Until she crumples up the test, and throws it behind her, which lands on some dude with the cheesiest shades ever in black hair. "Ow, that hurts." IT IS PAPER. THE WORST IT CAN DO IS CUT YOU, AND IT WAS CRUMPLED INTO A BALL YOU JERK. Also, he calls her 'dumpling head'. Because she has those weird ball-looking things in her hair (how does that even work, anyways?).
Creeper man is all "oh man, you gotta study harder, lololol", then stares at the jewelry store, leaving the bunny to walk away. Seriously, all he needs is a giant neon sign flashing above his head that screams "CREEPER" to complete the ensemble. Or maybe an aura. Japan does love its auras in anime.
Still not even halfway through? Oh man. So now there is an ARCADE. And Sailor V is so popular, she has a video game. Though, really, one would think you'd need a better disguise for yourself than a pair of goofy-looking red glasses on your face, but you can get away with anything in Japan. And the cat from earlier returns just in time to see the bunny crying in public in front of an arcade. Because she is so fail.
Also, the cat knows her name. And talks. BUT WHO DIDNT SEE THAT COMING.
Oh hi mom, I guess my nerdy pal told you we got our test scores back. Cue the violent spatula attacks.
Wow, your mom has to be really, really mad if she won't even let you into the house because that's how bad your test scores are. Looks like she has a little brother too, who looks like kind of a jerk. Though really, who can blame him for 'wanting a better sister'? She seems like a TERRIBLE role model so far.
And then she kicks the door, trying to hit her brother. Pretty sure I already talked about her intelligence before.
Oh, but the jewelry is sucking the life out of everyone! Hurry, Naru, ask your mom what is going on! Oh, but she is actually an evil, soul-sucking MONSTER. Dun dun duuuuun.
So eventually, like all good parents should, the bunny gets let back into her house, and she takes a nap, and then her window opens itself. Who could it be? Is it the creeper? The nerdy guy? NO, it's the TALKING CAT. At least she's smart enough to realize this is not a normal thing.
So, this cat's name is Luna, and she wants to talk to her. I guess she wanted to thank her for taking a bandaid off her face. Wow, two minutes into meeting, and already the cat is lecturing the girl. Mystical amulet thingy appearance go! It's a 'present'. But instead of listening, or even questioning how a cat pulls an amulet literally out of nowhere, or hell, is still trying to talk to you, what's bunny's first instinct? Run to the mirror, check self out.
My god, I don't even. And this girl is supposed to be a hero? To be fair, she's better than Minmei at the very least, but Minmei was famous. This chick is a total zero on everybody's radar. Except possibly creeper-dude. Oh, so the talking cat is telling me that it is now her job to run off, fight monsters, and find some princess chick that is missing. O-kay. Maybe it's a good thing that this girl is so dumb, because she goes right into the transformation sequence without question, and suddenly, SAILOR MOON IS BORN. Go repetitive bubble and star background, end with pose.
Congratulations, Usagi, you are now wearing a skirt that is ten inches too short for someone your age. Transforming seems to have allowed her to divine that her best friend is in danger! Oh no! What do I do, talking cat? Oh, go save her? Right. Okay. Totally gonna do that.
Poor Naru, your mom isn't your mom, she is some sort of dessicated corpse thing. Your mom is locked in the basement. Wait, little stores like this have basements in Japan? Most stores where I come from don't have a basement period. Seems like a bad thing to have to me in a country that tends to get hit with torrential downpours and the occasional giant wave. But that's just me.
Oh, but before the girl can be killed, the dessicated corpse turns its head a full 180 degrees to meet the heroine, who busts down the door. SAILOR MOON. In the name of the moon, she will punish you!
So, the corpse turns all the people in the store against bunny, and suddenly we are in a zombie flick. Somehow, these people manage to find a bottle to break, and scrape poor Usagi's knee. How terrifying. But before she can be finished off, TUXEDO MASK APPEARS, THROWING ROSES LIKE A BOSS.
Causing bunny to cry. Wait, that's an attack? Aparrently, it is, because it incapacitates everyone. Then the cat tells her to throw her tiara, and a magical sparkly cutscene later, we find out that she can manage to hit a stationary target with a frisbee. Amazing!
Poor Jadeite, your monster of the day failed. But that's okay, it's not your fault you have such stupid minions. Tuxedo Mask claims to never forget this night, and the bunny immediately has hearts in her eyes (literally).
Turns out, all you need to keep people from recognizing who you are in Japan is to wear a totally different outfit. Not even your best friends will be able to recognize you.
... and that's the end of the first episode. Ending credits, and I am one blog post further into this endeavor.
..... only 199 episodes to go? Oh boy. Well, maybe this wasn't quite so painful as I had thought it was. Usagi's voice didn't want to make my eardrums rupture, the cat is annoying, and everyone in Tokyo appears to be unwilling to recognize you if you so much as change your outfit.
Maybe this says something about the uniform system they enforce in their schools. Maybe...
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