Once again, it's time to put myself through another episode of the classic Sailor Moon. After last episode, I was left feeling kind of okay. I mean, I've watched way worse. But then again, I'm sure I will want to gouge my eyes out soon enough, so let's see what happens.
Ah, so this episode seems to be showing us everything that's going to happen before the episode plays. I've never, ever thought of that as a good thing, but considering the show is probably aimed at a younger demographic, I guess it makes sense. But is it really necessary to know Usagi's blood type, astrological sign, and pretty much everything about her character we probably would've gleaned if we'd watched the previous episode? No. But then again, I guess even back in the early '90s, people figured that the average person's attention span is what, twenty minutes at best?
Whatever, let's dive into this episode and see what hurt comes out.
Night time in Japan, a fortune teller becomes popular in the streets. And then, our mysterious blonde-haired douchenugget has decided to capitalize on this. Or something. Also, red-haired lady, or Beryl I guess her name is, is all "oh, we still need a lot of energy, running behind on the schedule here, boss gonna get mad." You'd think she'd be on top of this thing.
Also, true to fashion, the cat wakes up our heroine. Just like good cats ought to do. Sadly, it would appear our heroine is also neglectful of her newfound pet. Doesn't even stop to feed her. Geez.
Also, cokebottle Umino clearly has a raging hard-on for the heroine. Why are we caring about this? And is it really proper for a show for kids to say things like "Should I attack her from behind?" Yeah. That's not disturbing at all.
I have to wonder, do they really have fortune tellers sitting on the sides of the streets in Japan? Because if so, that would actually be kind of cool. Somehow though, I get the feeling this is probably not the case. And who would build a gaudy-looking temple-like fortune house right across the street from said teller? I really don't understand this stuff sometimes. It's almost like they're making up things or something.
So, Usagi gets stuck playing video games with some older guy, whom she clearly has a crush on. Wait, I'm confused, this guy looks like he could be her brother or something. Thankfully, supercat to the rescue, to drag our heroine away before she does something stupid. Not quickly enough to keep HIM from saying something stupid.
So, supercat is all "you have a mission", but instead she is all "gotta see dat fortune teller", who predictably is long gone, leaving her with a choice. Go visit the creepy palace, or be sane and wait until tomorrow? Oh, but she is impatient, better FLIP MY SHOE to determine if I wait or not.
Sometimes, this chick reminds me of my roommate with some of the random shit she comes up with, because who the hell takes their shoe off in the middle of the street just to flip it to make a decision on something? Wouldn't a coin make a lot more sense here?
But of course, coins can't land on people's heads. Shoes, however, can, and this one happens to land on the head of our resident creeper boy from last episode. Y'know, the one who's probably ten years too old for this girl (spoiler alert: HE IS). At least he doesn't have his creeper shades this time. Minor altercation, and they both go walking off. Good news for our heroine, who has avoided CERTAIN DOOOOOOOOM.
Meanwhile, inside, looks like Umino is all being taken advantage of, and not in the good sexy ways. Though really, he's probably just a little bit young for that. Instead of a fortune, he takes a card to the chest. Quite literally. Oh, and there's some talk about 'servants of evil' and 'collecting energy', so obviously this fortune lady is Bad News or something.
So, on her way home she bumps into her dad or something, who is all "what's up with the cat?" Guess she neglected to mention the part about about the cat living in her room now. Also, Umino is all smug and suave and shit, doing whatever he wants. Including flipping his teacher's skirt. Whatta douche.
Quickly, this episode is starting to look a lot like one of those rape anime, where everyone piles on the teacher or something. Instead, it turns to boys throwing rocks at windows and stuff, which I guess is a lot more PG. Oh, and then there's the villains collecting energy in the form of boys' rebellious natures.
So, after almost having Umino force himself on her, the cat finally realizes something might be wrong. Guess sensing evil energy is one of those classes she must have skipped out on during her magical education or whatever (assuming there is even such a thing). Fortunately, they know just where to go, and Usagi forgets how to transform.
Honestly, it's one of those things you might think you couldn't forget, considering what kind of impact it has on you. But, I guess transforming into a hero of light and justice or some such isn't a big deal for this girl. Have to wonder what is a big deal to her, hard to get a bead.
Oh, but inside the fortune house, people being told to wreck the town. Cue the Warrior of Love and Justice, and there's the tagline, it's time to fight with cards. Who does this lady think she is, Gambit?
Oh, no, she's the Green Goblin or something instead. And all the boys are now zombies. What?
Oh, but when our heroine gets cornered, flying rose to the rescue! Green Lady takes a rose to the face, and tuxedo boy is all like "yo, I'm here, but I'm gonna leave now, so uh, wrap this up, later".
And then the fight starts for real I guess. Time to throw your tiara, Sailor Moon, before the budget for this episode is completely blown on you crying and falling down everywhere.
Then the green lady makes like John Capenter's Vampires, turning into ash, and then everything is peachy. Yay. Now that people are back to their normal selves, they can learn about all the bad things that they've done.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up for this episode. Today's lesson? Fortune Tellers are evil, and will turn you into a zombie for their own selfish reasons.
... Yeah.
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