Who comes up with the titles for these things anyways? It's like they're trying to just describe the entire thing in a small sentence. I mean, I'm well aware that with Japanese, you can convey a lot of things with only a few characters.
But when it looks like this? Dear lord, someone needs to be slapped in the face.
Now, I can't really read Japanese, but I'm fairly certain that's a long damned title even for them.
Also, these little preview things that are supposed to get us 'interested' in the show? Way to spoil THE BIG SURPRISE. Oh gee, I sure hope Jadeite doesn't come in to scare the living bajeesus out of our heroine, that would be terrible indeed. Guess I have to watch the show to find out what doesn't happen.
So, this episode opens up with Queen Bitchtits talking to that Really Effeminate Dude (whose name I guess is Jadeite), looking for the Evil Empire's equivalent of a progress report. It pretty much boils down to "Yeah, uh, I kinda don't have anything for you yet, but if you give me like, a little bit more time, yeah, pretty sure we'll have something to give the boss."
Except instead he's trying to play it off be pretending he has some SUPER SECRET PLAN involving a minion called "Flowa". I knew a guy named Flowah once. He was kind of a weird dude, so I can just expect that anyone named after a goddamn FLOWER is probably not your best choice for gathering energy for your Evil Empire of Doom.
What the heck is she doing here anyways? It seems she spends 95% of her time staring into this crystal ball, as opposed to paying attention to whoever she's talking to. I can only figure, she's either got something really engrossing to watch (Oxygen TV? Maury? Who knows.), or she has absolutely no clue what it means to be in charge of anything. Given how the show's been going so far? I bet she's just trying to impress the troops.
"Oh look at me, I can stare into this eeeevil crystal ball for like, nine hours straight. What can you do? Jack and shit, now get back to work or I'll stare at you menacingly."
Meanwhile, back in Tokyo, there's a bunch of dogs barking. At the same time, some little girls are listening to some radio show about this thing called 'love', hosted by someone called - get this: J-Dite. Does this guy NOT know the meaning of subtlety? I mean, I'm pretty sure if you're an evil dude trying to commit some terrible evil acts, you don't want to use your real goddamned name. But whatever, the cat is trying to tell the rabbit something, but she's all 'aw but I want a flower brooch so my love can come true.'
It is at this point that rabbit officially becomes the rudest main character I've ever seen. Yes, let's totally ignore the magical talking cat, and then get all pissy when they keep trying to tell you something important. It's like this kid is some sort of spoiled little brat, who the hell ever thought it was a good idea giving her access to any sort of magic power in the first place? Oh, right. THE CAT. Good going there.
Of course, the next morning (true to the cat's warnings), the rabbit wakes up late. Her whole family is dysfunctional it seems, because her own parents don't even realize that she was still at home. You know it's bad when your mom doesn't even bother to wake you up for school anymore. Somewhere in there is some 'foreshadowing' of a 'mysterious sleeping illness'. Gee, who didn't see that one coming? Shocker. I sure hope it doesn't wind up having anything to do with our heroine at all.
Oddly enough, there's no trouble to be gotten into, since it seems the teacher is utterly exhausted, and also late for class. It's like all the life has been drained out of her, and she just so happens to be wearing the ugliest-looking flower brooch on her jacket you have ever seen. Seriously, who wears something so clearly ugly?
Afterwards, there's a bit where the cat is talking to herself, and Arcade Boy is all "oh hey, let me give you some milk". The cat is right, her new master treats her like shit, but this guy? He's a real winner, all paying attention and shit.
But of course, now the teacher is being pulled into an ambulance, and now we are formerly introduce to the "Mysterious Sleeping Illness." Imagine that with those cheesy '60's announcer voice. With lots of echo.
So, it seems the illness is 'you fall asleep and never wake up'. Isn't that also referred to as death, or a comatose state? Gee, good thing it's spreading across the city and everyone actually wants to catch this thing, our heroine included. So not only is she stupid and lazy, but she wants to more or less die? Wow, what a winner we have here.
Anyhow, back to the radio station, they're getting letters for a show that 'doesn't exist'. Gee, what a twist. Oh, but then this lady shows up to take all of the letters? It's a good thing she doesn't look evil at all. Meanwhile, back on the street, our heroine gets knocked over boy Mysterious Pedophile, which really gets her agitated. So she goes home to write a letter.
This is one of those moments that the cat has real wisdom to share: "A love letter really doesn't mean much if you don't give it to the person yourself." But oh no, you are stupid cat, why wouldn't I want to send such a thing anonymously to a midnight radio station to be read on the air, like everyone freaking else. Sadly, the rabbit is so idiotic, she can't even write the damn thing, and decides she is going to see J-Dite in person tonight.
Yes, you read that right. She's going to meet the radio DJ, of a show that does not exist, in person. Truly, this is a brilliant plan, formulated by the brightest of minds. But she is turned away at the gate, because they don't have a show by that name - or a DJ to match it, for that matter. But somewhere, our evil prettyboy is reading letters, staring at flowers, and talking into a microphone. Yes, this is the plan of a true evil mastermind, let me tell you.
So, friend Haru gets the flower the next morning, show it to the entire class. Then she promptly starts falling asleep. Gee, who didn't see that coming? But wow, it's so powerful, it's even making other people fall asleep. Like the rabbit. Enter the dream sequence, where she's all lusting for KAMEN RID- I mean, Tuxedo Mask. Who I guess she is convinced will be her future boyfriend?
Well, back in reality, the rabbit is awake, her friend is still asleep, and evil people are still being terrible at being evil. It seems that these flower brooches put young women to sleep and absorb their dreams of love. I really don't know how you can get energy from something like that, but whatever floats your boat I guess.
Now Usagi has to find her way into the radio station, past the guard. But magical cat comes to the rescue, giving her a pen! But not and ordinary pen, that would be boring! No, this pen lets you disguise yourself as other people. I'm sure she won't abuse this power at all. Not at all. Nope, not our heroine, totally not going to abuse this power. So, disguise donned, she manages to not only trip on her own newfound high-heel shoes, but also wears sunglasses at night. What's up with that?
So, she manages to find J-Dite, who has taken over the entire studio. What does she do? She marches right into the radio studio, takes over the broadcast, stealing the cat's line from earlier, and then EXPLOSIONS! Ah, finally some action, Flowa has revealed her true face, and now we're into the transformation sequence. Gotta love that ol' stock footage, which eats up at least a good minute of airtime. I can't complain about that, I mean, this is one of the shows that pioneered such a thing, but you gotta look at it from the animator's perspective: That's one minute in every show you don't have to re-draw.
Anyhow, she says something stupid, and then declares that she will punish them, and the villain introduces himself as... Jaedite. Yeah. Like we probably didn't know that already, given that you've been using you REAL NAME ON THE RADIO. But whatever. A tiara is thrown, and Flowa is defeated. Evil Pretty Boy, however, is immune to this or something, using some Jedi powers to stop it midair. Then he's all popping force bubbles all around, throwing folks around in the air like he just don't care. When suddenly, from the sidelines, a rose appears.
Then the villain ninjas his way through a black hole, and Tuxedo Mask flies off into the air laughing his head off. Everyone wakes up, and the rabbit is writing a letter to Tuxedo Mask, and everything is back to... normal?
Even by 80's standards, the plot for this show leaves much to be desired.
I can only expect that this show is going to start getting worse from here. Three episodes down, 197 more left to go. And that doesn't even count the movies.
Why do I suddenly feel like crying...?
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