But please, we're here to watch old anime! So let's get this thing started. Based on the title, I'm just going to go out on a limb and suggest that maybe they were trying to teach kids that there's more to life than just sitting inside and watching television, so you can be bombarded by lots and lots of commercials that make you want to scream to your parents that there is this awesome cool new thing that you just HAVE TO HAVE. But I dunno, maybe they're going to touch on some, y'know, serious issues here.
So, within the first thirty seconds, Usagi steps out of the shower, steps on a scale, and immediately begins wailing that she is fat. Despite being clearly at least averagely-proportioned. (Okay, maybe she has chubby cheeks, who cares?) Guess that whole thing about them touching on serious issues is right out the window. So her parents go the reasonable route - "Yeah, it's okay to be a little chubby growing up, it happens to everyone. Though, it'd be cool if you went out and ran around instead of sitting around eating all the damn time." Gee, as if that wasn't already painfully obvious.
Then there's this little gem:
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| Pretty good for not having opposable thumbs. Or fingers period. |
The cat can draw. But more importantly, the cat can manipulate things with her paws like a human being with fingers. You would think someone might pick up on this and go "oh, hey, my cat can draw we're totally going to get on TV with this." I mean, this is a talking cat who can friggin' draw man. Good thing our heroine is so stupid, because I'm pretty sure anyone else would be capitalizing on this, hard.
So, the next day at school is torture or something, because I guess being on a diet means you can't eat anything. Creepy coke-bottle glasses kid is all "HERE HAVE MY LEFTOVERS."
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| Gross. |
Anyhow, in the girl chat circle, the girls are all talking about her being on a diet, one of whom actually manages to be *gasp* visibly obese! Stop the presses, there might be hope for this episode yet. Until some raven-haired dunce says "It'd be nice to lose weight by falling in love." YEP. TOTALLY NOT FORESHADOWING THE REST OF THIS EPISODE, I'M SURE.
Speaking of foreshadowing, it is revealed that their teacher, Ms Haruna has suddenly dropped pounds or something. Of course, the rabbit can't see anything, but coke-bottle glasses can see the whole world of difference. Why, he even has photographic evidence of her at the gym, showing the difference in just two days.
Which begs the question: Why in the hell are you taking pictures of your teacher in secret, and why are you showing them to the girl you have openly admitted to wanting to get with? At least her friend Naru actually has the sense to confront him about this kind of brazen invasion of privacy. Not to mention the fact that he just gained about a bajillion Creeper Points.
They chase him away, but when our heroine catches up to him, instead of being concerned for the well-being of other women in the world, she just wants to know where the gym is.
Wait, seriously?! That's your biggest concern?
So, they go to the gym, where they are promising to make you look thin and beautiful, all within just a few days. Oh, and it's free. Gee, this doesn't sound familiar at all, does it?
Oh, hang on, it sounds like exactly the same sort of thing that happened not even two episodes ago. But yet Usagi is just stupid enough to go rushing right towards the shadowy figure in the window who totally isn't the guy who tried to kill her last episode.
Totally.
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| To his credit, at least he's taking a hands-on approach this time. |
One has to wonder if this guy even recognizes her as the girl who ruined her plans last episode, but somehow I get the feeling that is most probably not the case. But it seems like his evil plan this time is... to sweat girls to death to gain energy for the evil empire?
Wait, no. Apparently they will "shower under the 'Shape Ray'". At least the rabbit is so stupid she is taking a bubble bath elsewhere, but the other three are promised an immediate weight loss if they use the "Shape Ray". So wait, what was the point of making them sweat, if you can just magically lose weight like this? Why even try to pretend you're a gym? Sometimes, these things make no friggin' sense.
Meanwhile, back in Castle Abyss, Beryl is still all waving her hands 'round that silly ball, and our fabulous trainer checks in with his boss, and is all "man, girls are dumb, they'll do anything to lose weight, including kill themselves". Which... I guess is kinda true? People do stupid things I guess, but these girls aren't even aware.
Meanwhile, our heroine is out in the street, trying to scare dumplings out of little boys passing down the street. But then, exposition hits! A poster of "Sailor V", who is totally not an actual Sailor Scout at all (spoilers: she totally is). Boy, wouldn't it be awesome to be Sailor V. She's all skinny and awesome and beats up criminals and everyone loves her.
But then the idiot nearly passes out in the street, because she hasn't eaten a thing since yesterday. Must be nice that there's almost always someone for her to fall on. In this case, it's Motoki. Y'know, that guy she totally has a crush on but will probably never openly admit it. Or if she does, I kind of hope she gets shot down. I think that would be kind of funny.
Ah, but queue the bubbly dream sequence thing, where she starts to hallucinate about him wanting to help her with the "power of love". This is what happens when you don't eat kids, you start imagining all kinds of crazy things. That or he totally felt her up.
But then he manages to do a total reversal by saying "yeah, you should gain some weight, I totally dig chicks with meat on their bones."
WELP, TIME TO PORK OUT. Until Stalker Dude shows up again! Seriously, how does he keep running into her all the time? And why is it he always has something snarky to say to her? I get the whole 'connection' thing, but isn't it weird that they just keep randomly bumping into each other all the freaking time? Seriously. Stalker. I'm telling you, people just don't look into these things as much as they should.
Then the cat shows up, and is all "hey, you're gonna get fat if you keep eating like this, not chubby." This causes the usual freak-out we should be accustomed to. Then goes on to say "oh yeah by the way, there's some evil badnasty stuff going on at that gym, you should probably avoid it or something." What's she do? OH HAY I SHOULD TOTALLY WORK OFF ALL THOSE DUMPLINGS I ATE. Totally ignoring the important thing about people getting sucked dry of their energy and probably gonna die soon.
Meanwhile, back at the gym, totally ignore the whole zombie teacher going downstairs to the evil glowy things. Yep, totally ignoring that. Unless you're a cat, in which case you just go wherever you please and actually look in on important things.
Suddenly, the plan is revealed, and Luna runs off to tackle Usagi. Off a bike. The cat. Tackles a girl. Off an exercise bike.
Why in the name of god does this cat need the girl to do anything? She's already freakin' herculean in strength, and clearly has no issues getting around town. But since the girl won't listen, the cat does the only reasonable thing: Leads her into an empty hallway, tackles her down, and threatens to scratch the living crap out of her face if she doesn't shut up and actually listen.
I, for one, like this new side of Luna. It gets things done.
So, after being forced to become Sailor Moon (you know, that person who is supposed to be a badass?), it's time to go find the baddie and beat them up before our teacher dies a horrible, zombified death.
Anyhow, there's the usual speech, love, justice, moon punishment. Then there's the zombie trainers! Which I guess are less zombies and more monsters. But they're controlled by the rings on their heads! Oh, but she doesn't want to fight because she's scaaaared.
Until the cat points out "hey, if you fight, you'll lose weight." Because clearly, that is the most important issue here. Suddenly this gives our heroine the ability to beat the crap out of everyone, and in one fell swoop, manages to defeat the bad guys and more or less fix everything.
Back at the palace of the eternal black waterfalls (or waterclimbs, depending on the scene cut), Beryl is all "oh, okay, you got a lot of energy this time, I guess we'll call it kind of a win this time."
Oh, and Usagi is still fat. Because working out for one day is totally not going to give you anything resembling results.
Thank god this is over. Because I think right now I just want to beat myself in the head with a tennis racket or something, because dear god how does this girl remember to breathe.
I'll be back the next time I want to torture myself.
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