Kodomo no Jikan Episode 01 - A Friendly Step

Alternate title: Expanding My Horizons For Hating Myself.

It would appear that some of my so-called 'friends' feel as though my descent into madness is too slow. They would wish it to be accelerated by exposing me to other 'shows'.

One of my friends, we shall call him Peter, is perhaps the worst friend you could ever have (in the best kind of way, does that even make sense? Probably not). Of course, I have no proof of this. Yet. I get the feeling though, that by the end of this, I am going to want to destroy something cute and cuddly. Perhaps a box of baby rabbits.

I know pretty much nothing about this show. Except that it is almost universally reviled. I saw a topic posted on anidb.com referring to it as "The worst show in the world." Sounds like a pretty perfect fit for this particular blog.


So with all of that being said, I guess I'll go on to make one more point: Due to situations out of my control, I've had a pretty horrendous end of the day. But that's not why you're here - you're here to read about what I have to say about things that are pretty horrible to begin with.

Therefore, this will be the icing on the cake, as it were. This will either kill me, or it will drive me insane.

Let's see what this thing is all about.

What am I about to watch? Oh god.

Well, it seems to start off innocently enough. Calm, relaxing music, kids playing on the school grounds, and a new teacher looking out over them, wondering about his first day. Gets ready to walk into a classroom, overhears some girls talking about how they hope he's going to look cool, gathers his courage, and walks in...

To a scene of about twenty young girls in various states of dress. They scream.

My god. Not even a minute into this show, and they're showing us little girls with bear panties and no bras. I just. I don't. Oh god. What have I gotten myself into here. But what's most disturbing about this? SOME OF THE GIRLS DON'T EVEN SEEM TO CARE THAT HE IS LOOKING AT THEIR NAKED BODIES.

So, the intro to this show seems to showcase three different little girls, all of whome seem to be trying to get with their teacher? Or something like that. You've got your usual punky girl, the nerdy girl, and a black-haired girl dressed like a maid. How many different subcultures are they trying to appeal to here? The nerdy one with the larger chest appears to be the oldest of the three, but there's no way they can be any older than 13. There is just. No. Way. At all.

Anyways, this doofus is their new Homeroom teacher. His name is Daisuke, so that's what I'll call him. Speaking of calling, he takes role call. Black-hair girl is named Kuro, and she's on her cell phone. Why kids this young have phones, I don't even know, and that's something to go onto a tangent about some other time. Kokonoe Rin seems to be the 'typical' girl, who pulls out the big guns on him: How old are you, and do you have a girlfriend? My god. This is like a horror show, I think. I can already tell where this is going to be going.

And no sooner do I type this than does she declare to be his girlfriend from now on.

WHAT.

No, really.

WHAT?

Her reasoning: HE ALREADY SAW HER NAKED.

I can't even make this shit up. I really can't. It's right there. Don't believe me?

This one's going to be trouble. I knew it the moment
I laid eyes on her.

Immediately, the classroom is in an uproar, until some black-haired lady from upstairs comes crashing in, ruining the party.

Anyhow, they have a little pow-wow in the teacher's lounge or whatever, and he has to ask about the missing student in his class: Usa Mimi, who has been gone the last month. It would appear that her absence has something to do with the teacher that Daisuke is replacing. Suddenly, this show is taking on a very dark road, and I'm not entirely certain I feel comfortable where this is going. Seems the last guy had a habit of just snapping at random, and eventually just up and quit. Gee, I wonder why.

Well, afterwards, he's all sitting behind the building, chilling, when he sees a cat from earlier, and is joined by Rin, who has been feeding it for quite some time during lunch. Guess she's working on that whole 'being nice' angle, because I really don't buy it, she just looks like a damned troublemaker to me.

It's around this time that Rin reveals that she has an inherent distrust of adults, etc etc, and please don't kick out the cat. He's all "Please, I love cats, I have one of my own at home" and then gets scratched by the cat, slicing his finger open ever so lightly before running off. Rin sees this and becomes immediately concerned, saying she will "stop the bleeding".

BY PLACING HIS FINGER IN HER MOUTH.

REALLY, WHAT IS GOING ON AT THIS POINT, I AM SO CONFUSED. This reads like a hentai, but this actually got aired? I mean seriously. This reads like a full-on hentai. The plot is ripped straight from one, except he's actually playing the straight guy and hasn't gotten his balls jumped on yet.

But hell, there's still about fifteen minutes left to rectify that, I'm sure. She really seems to enjoy sucking on that finger, to the point where, just two scene cuts later, HALF OF IT IS NOW IN HER MOUTH. And he's just standing there, dumbfounded.

YOU ARE LETTING A LITTLE GIRL SUCK ON YOUR FINGER, YOU SICK DEMENTED BASTARD. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MAN AND SHOULD BE FIRED, BEATEN, ARRESTED, STABBED, SHOT, DRAWN, QUARTERED, AND BURNED AT THE STAKE. GROW A GODDAMN SPINE AND STOP LETTING LITTLE GIRLS DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU, THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL I PROMISE.

Oh christ. What am I watching?

And speaking of watching, Kagami is all watching over them the whole time. There's a thing where he's trying to teach her calligraphy in the next scene, she's all "don't touch me you lolicon". And then THIS.

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS GOING TO BE TROUBLE.

Words. Cannot. Describe.

I just. My god. Every thirty seconds. I am pausing this this. Because. It just gets even more screwed up.

EVERY. THIRTY. SECONDS.

I think I'm just going to keep posting screencaps at this rate. Because they say so much more than I ever could about this crap.

After this, he has the audacity to blush about that. And Kagami is all "omg you're a virgin?" and he just starts wigging out. Completely. And black-haired lady (presumably) comes to see what the noise is about again.

Why am I not even halfway through this show yet? Why is it taking me so much longer?

Anyhow, the red-haired lady teacher from earlier talks to Daisuke, and shows him a book that his predecessor had left behind. What's in the book? Well...

I want to quit right now, if that's any indication.

Rin shows up, and indicates that those are the sorts of things that he said to Mimi - the missing girl in the class. Yeah, this show is getting very dark and relatively uncomfortable right now. Because aparrently...

Whoa. Wait. Hold the goddamned phone. What just happened here.

He's about to say "I have to tell your parents about you harassing your previous teacher until he was hospitalized," and then she pulls down her panties. I. What. She what? Just hikes up her skirt and does that? All to threaten him with screaming for help? Then Kagami shows up, and says that they'll do the same thing to him if he says a word about this to anyone, because it seems like a lot of the students absolutely hated the last teacher.

The next big scene is girl talk at McDonald's. For little girls, they are talking about some really dark things - like Rin being infatuated with the teacher, all sucking his finger and getting naked and crap. And Rin vows to never let anyone hurt Mimi again.

Then Daisuke starts talking to a cat. For real? This gives him the brilliant idea to go meet with the missing student. Alone, in order to attempt to try talking her into returning to school. Then she starts crying, because it seems like someone is actually trying to give a crap about her.

Then she asks him what a Finger Fellatio is. Seems that her friends have been texting her with what's been going on, and that made her want to meet with him as a result. But she wants to know what a Finger Fellatio is. Then he's left walking home in the dark, wondering what the hell the deal is with Rin.

If I were him? I would be running as far away as possible, as quickly as I could.

Well, Mimi finally comes back to school, and her friends are excited by it. Then they do a class project with a cardboard box which seems kinda cool, and someone's already fed the cat. Seems the cat goes up into the tree, and Rin goes climbing after it, and of course people come running to Daisuke for help.

This kid is totally suicidal, and he does the hero thing, presumably not getting smacked in the head with the falling branch as a result. But, he is an hero, which is cool, but now Rin starts freaking out, thinking he's up and died on her.

But what's he do? HE DREAMS ABOUT HER BEING NAKED, TALKING ABOUT HER BEING A CAT OR SOME CRAP.

Also, he seems to think she has bells in her ears.

WHAT. WHO HAS A DREAM LIKE THAT.

Well, now we're in the infirmary, and the girls are all looking over him, and Rin up and kisses him on the forehead before leaving.

To say that I am confused is an incredible understatement. Now it starts reading like a hentai again, because red-haired teacher wants him to take her to dinner. After which the troublesome trio pull up their clothes showing him their swimsuits, and thus totally making him ditch his new sudden date.

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.

I'm done. I am so. Freaking. Done. Call me when the world is drowning in fire.

Don't let them fool you, them's the devil in disguise.