Episode preview says: There's a monster who's totally going to... force people to perform Cinderella? Wait, seriously? And now in addition to the episode overview, we're now getting quick recaps of how she got her powers and all that, which you know just eats up more time. Normally, I hate these kinds of things. Actually, I still do. But at least the silver lining here is that's like, 30 seconds less of this show I actually have to force myself to tolerate, so there's a bonus.
So, as usual, the idiot is all running to get to school, probably because she's all late and stuff, and she's considering buying some sorta energy drink thing because some bimbo is bumping it. Then Naru smacks her in the back of the head with her bag (because guess who's also running late?) and next thing we're in the classroom and she's all "yeah you were on time because I slapped you in the head be thankful."
Whoa, when did she become such a pistol? Then again, she's got that red hair, so I guess her violent tendencies are finally beginning to show themselves.
So Umino is all "yo chicks look I totally got this awesome poster of bimbo girl and I managed to get hold of it through some internet store, how sweet is that, I am like the bee's knees or some crap so please like me." I was unaware they even had internet stores back in those days - pretty sure everything was 56k modems and all that then. But then again, they have cell phones, so maybe it's not quite that old. Whatever. But now that he's made that pitch, he's offering to sell posters at a cheap price.
Then he pulls out.... is that supposed to be a laptop? Oh dear god, it is. He whips that thing literally out of nowhere and just starts going to town on it, talking about where bimbo girl is from (which happens to be the same school), and starts rattling off all sorts of crap about her, like how much she earns, how many jobs she's worked, all that. This dude is completely a stalker, and yet nobody ever seems to question him about this stuff outside of that one time. You would think that after stalking your teacher and taking pictures of her at the gym, one might be a little bit suspicious of his nature. But nope, everyone just keeps going on like it's not a thing to be concerned with at all.
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| His parents must have a lot of money to drop on laptops in the early '90s that you can just bring to school. |
The other girls in the class are all complaining because they never got scouted for anything, and Umino is all "yeah, if anyone's gonna get scouted next, it's totally going to be Usagi because she is blonde and that is totes a rare thing in Japan, almost as rare as chicks with red hair but blonde is the in-thing so sorry ladies but your faces look like a donkey's ass." Okay so maybe not all of that but he may as well have, what with the way the others react.
Of course, she takes that completely to heart, and is going to BECOME A STAR or something.
Meanwhile, presumably halfway across town, Jadeite is all in his clever disguise of a typical trenchcoat and red-rimmed glasses, all watching bimbo girl and snickering to himself about how he's totally going to be using the energy she's giving off. Or something. Maybe his plan is to steal the energy from all the autographs... who knows.
Anyhow, Naru is all like "we should both be stars because we are complete freaks in the eyes of Japan, what with my likely Irish heritage and you with your blonde-ass hair", and they're talking about singing songs and playing tennis and god knows what else. Luna's the only one going 'yeah, totally not gonna have time for this, we have bad guys to like, thwart and all that, and probably a moon princess to find, but whatevs.'. Clearly, we can tell where this is going to go, and the answer is straight to evil.
So they set about... singing... the... main... theme... oh god it is horrible. So horrible. At least they're beating each other up as they're dancing around and all that. But they keep throwing around the whole Cinderella thing like it's something they can actually compare themselves to. Ugh.
Well, in the living room, they're all watching some routine comedy show, and Usagi gets this brilliant idea from her father that involves the cat, then runs off declaring that they're going to have entertainment reporters knocking at their door soon.
.... this eerily enough reminds me of the rant I made back in episode four, about how the main character was too completely stupid to pick up on something like that. Well, now it seems like she's finally hit upon the idea. Or maybe she has something else in mind.
Turns out, instead of doing the easy thing, she is intending to force Luna into... a comedy routine of sorts. No, she isn't going to talk. Nor is she going to be drawing, or picking things up with her paws, or turning people into awesome magical girls. No, she is instead going to be acting a part in a scene.
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| You just know she's thinking 'oh dear god why is this girl so stupid?' |
Well, next up we have a scene straight out of Psycho, and some blue wraith-like monster thing attacks Bimbo in the shower, and then turns into her. How is this supposed to accomplish anything? Oh, I see, because Jadeite is going to try to get other girls to attempt to become starlets. They're calling it the Cinderella Caravan.
Seriously, this whole Cinderella thing is pissing me off. 99% of the people in this show are most likely never going to be anywhere near as bad off as Cinderella was (or anyone in real life who has a 'Cinderella story' for that matter). For one thing, they probably don't have abusive, neglectful step-parents who care for them, they all have warm homes and clean beds and good food to eat. Becoming an actress straight out of high school does not a Cinderella make - you need to go through some completely shittastic stuff in order to be able to lay claim to being a Cinderella.
But yet, they have the balls to say some things like that. At least the Disney movie at least managed to show she was living in pretty bad conditions while going about it in a good way - but this? Man, this is just downright rude.
Anyway, they're using a satellite dish on the top of the truck to... brainwash everyone into trying to become actresses? So that they can steal their energy? Is there some reason they can't just steal it directly? I mean, that would be a lot easier than, I don't know, this stupid plan they seem to be developing.
But I guess that would make entirely too much sense. In a world where everyone is an idiot, the people with even just below-average grades can become kings I guess.
Even the police and her manager seem to not be immune to the satellite dish of Poor Decision Making, as they too are dragged into the let's become a star bandwagon.
Elsewhere in the city, Luna decides enough is enough, and says that she's pretty tired of putting up with the rabbit's crap, and isn't going to be going on anymore with this whole plan for stardom. Usagi's all "but I'm not serious about this thing at all" even though she is trying to take the fast track to becoming one. Yeah, like anyone's going to buy that load of bull, kid, because your cat certainly isn't, and lays down the big ultimatum: Don't sign up for the Cinderella Caravan, you have Actual Responsibilities to contend with.
Cry cry cry, Usagi runs off because her cat is trying to tell her she has actual shit to be doing, and she runs off into everyone's favorite stalker boy, who hasn't made an appearance lately.
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| C'mon baby, you can always be my little starlet, hurr hurr. |
He's all like "lolwut, you seriously going to go to that stupid caravan thing? You'd have to go in with some sorta comedy routine." It's almost like he doesn't already know everything there is to know about her. Creeper. Oh, but of course she's not going to that thing, because that's what she said she wasn't going to do. When has she ever lied?
Well, apparently all it takes to be a star is to make some really super corny jokes in front of a crowd of people, and then get a stamp on the back of your hand from a mallet. Congratulations, everyone's a winner! Gee, this doesn't sound familiar at all - seems all of their schemes seem to be very public, and very, shall we say, too good to be true. But that's just how it seems to be, I guess. Even Naru and Umino managed to get a pass.
One might think that when everyone in the crowd is passing, something might just possibly be wrong. But who cares, they're gonna be stars. Pretty sure that's the same line that gets fed to just about every girl who gets into porn, and it winds up being something they regret for a long time to come.
But hey, this contest thing seems totally legit, right?
Next day in class, everyone is acting strangely. They're either signing autographs, or practicing their terribly shitty acts, or singing the main theme horribly off-key. Even a dunce like the rabbit here can tell something's wrong, and Luna once again comes to the rescue with an explanation of the situation: They all probably went to that Cinderella Caravan thing. But hey, at least Usagi manages to grasp that this is probably the work of a monster, and not something that is a totally legit thing.
The next thing you know, everyone is fighting because everyone is putting on a concert at the same place at the same time. You'd think this would be enough to break a flimsy spell like that, but I guess magic is total bullshit in this universe, so it never really crosses their minds.
Well, at the concert hall, everyone is about to get their show on, in front of an audience that doesn't exist, but bimbo-girl-turned-monster is all 'can you hear them cheering?' And then the disco ball starts emitting evil waves. No, really. The disco ball.
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| I really wish I was making this shit up right now. |
So their plan is to infect everyone with Disco Fever. Wonderful. Truly the mark of a genius, I tell you. The curtain rises, and there is a magical audience of.... aliens?
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| Well this just suddenly got a lot creepier. |
Well, the stamps on their hands activate, and the harvest begins in earnest. Usagi's all just watching, then the monster is all I SEE YOU and she runs off into the bathroom, because you are totally safe there. But now it's time to become Sailor Moon, and begin the stock footage transformation sequence.
The magical disco ball runs out of energy to absorb, and then the curtains close. Suddenly, the warrior of love and justice appears to punish people in the name of the moon. Fight time! Today's monster is basically some tall blue chick who spits out blue goop. Really, that was the best they could come up with? At least last episode's was moderately entertaining, this just strikes me as incredibly lazy. But then again, given the plot for this episode in general, it seems they were already scraping the bottom of the barrel as it was.
So Usagi takes to crawling around the auditorium seats, and even though her opponent is flying, the monster still can't seem to spot her target. Isn't that supposed to make something like that, I dunno, infinitely easier?
Oh, but she does manage to find her, and then she gets gooped. Oh no, looks like she could actually be in trouble, because she can't move, and is not completely encased in gem-goop! But then a rose flies in and Kamen Ri- I mean, Mask is all "yo, you're the star baby" then runs off. While he pulls aggro, Usagi charges her las- I mean, tiara, throws it, and ends the fight. The monster shatters, the energy gathering device is destroyed, and the disco ball explodes. Things are now magically better. Yay.
And the bimbo girl wakes up in her tub finally.
Then they end the episode with the whole comedy routine joke, and that's it.
... man, this whole episode was just incredibly lazy, and it made me exhausted just having to watch it.
I can only imagine this series is going to get a lot worse as it goes on. 193 episodes left to go.
...shoot me now.
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