Sailor Moon Episode 08 - Is the Genius Girl a Yoma? The Brainwashing Cram School

Clearly, I have been lax as of late in my punishments to myself. There are numerous reasons for this, such as life being unusually cruel to me, as well as not wishing to inflict bodily harm upon myself while watching anime. Or I could just blame it on the video games (Minecraft is addicting, and Planetside 2 has been so good to me even in beta). Or the fact that Bond movies are way more entertaining (except for The Living Daylights, blech). But you know, those things don't matter.

The only thing that matters in this blog: PAIN. So here we go.

Looks like in this episode we will finally be meeting one of the other sailor scouts! About frickin' time. Today's co-star: The blue-haired Ami, or Sailor Mercury. I know that much, and truth be told, I've always had a thing for the nerdy ones in concept. Let's face it: Smart girls are kinda hot. But in the intro, our heroine is dissing people who are smart, saying their talents should be applied for things like, I dunno, world peace or whatever. Yes, because that's something you can totally pass judgment on, being amongst some of the simplest life forms on the planet. Good god, this girl makes blondes look bad sometimes.

YES, WALK DOWN THOSE STEPS IN THE INTRO LIKE A BOSS. God, now I have to sit through this stupid JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE HERE ARE FORTY-FIVE SECONDS DEDICATED TO TELLING YOU WHAT I AM ABOUT.

Oh, sorry, did my cruise control for cool slip? I'll try to keep that down, because it makes me look like a yammering idiot. Maybe I'll try something different for a chance. Nothing can possibly go wrong, ever, with this foolproof plan of mine.

Said just about every villain in this show so far.

So today's episode starts with our villains talking about how funny Japan is with their silly little cram schools and how mothers are more fierce than a Yoma when educating their children. Yeah. So far, this show is off to a winning start considering it is made for children. I mean wow. Let's just consider this: You are trying to scare the pants off children (pfffftBAHAHAHAH yeah right with these monsters please) in the (vain) hopes that it will build some sort of suspense. Then you straight up tell the kids that their own mothers are far more terrifying than anything else you will ever watch in this show.

Oh, I see. It's a thinly-veiled attempt to make children listen to their mothers. Touche', Japan. Good show and all that rubbish. Well played.

Anyhow, blah blah blah get your kids into the top schools, Beryl is all waggling her hands over her ball, and sends dumpy off on a vague mission to go mess with kids or something, I dunno. Then it cuts to what is quite possibly the most agonizing ten second clip of Usagi laughing at something stupid in a magazine. And I really do mean agonizing. My ears nearly ruptured, I think. Oh, sorry, it's a manga. Which is possibly even worse. And then she starts crying, which is quite possibly even worse because it is so goddamn high-pitched.

Anyhow, Usagi is all "wah wah if there's a first place there's a last place too poor me." Then proceeds to continue reading manga instead of studying, while telling Luna that her life is "so hard" and how she wishes she was a cat. Then she's all "well gee I wish you'd help me find the princess." JOKE'S ON YOU CAT. (Yes, I was yelling that time. I'm entitled damnit.)

Aparrently it is her destiny to "find the princess and fight the enemy". Sounds like a line you'll find in just about any video game from the '80's. Mario? Find the princess, kill anything that gets in your way. Zelda? Same deal. Dragon Warrior? Well.... okay kind of close, finding the princess isn't the hard part but getting her to wake up is, so there. Point is, it's so cliche, but given the nature of the show so far, well who can really be surprised at this.

Unsurprisingly, Usagi doesn't care about any of that stuff! Wow, never saw that one coming (/sarcasm). But in a startling moment of clarity, she asks "who is the enemy anyway?" Wow, that one I honestly didn't see coming! Exposition time!

"They aren't human. They're pure evil."

..... wait that's the whole thing? But of course, Usagi can't even comprehend the simplest of statements. So Luna attempts to extrapolate.

And you're supposed to be the expert here? Guess
we're pretty boned then.

Congratulations, you have managed to completely subvert the one opportunity for good plot advancement, writers of this show. It's like you want to keep it as vague as possible because you just want to see grown men drawing millions of pictures of little girls fighting monsters.

Waaaaaaait a second here...

So Luna goes running off to the arcade, to play her some SAILOR V (that is not yelling, just emphasizing). Except she uses cheat codes in the form of code name 0091. That is not a code name, that is a bunch of numbers! Stupid cat. Then they go off on some sort of password that continues to make even less sense than her code name. I think we are nearing negative sense or something, math doesn't appear to be my strong suit at the moment here.

Anyhow, Luna is all nope, haven't found jack, Sailor Moon is an idiot, and there's some weird stuff going on. There's a blue-haired girl, and the computer is all 'welp, could be a Yoma." Guess that settles it, girl in first place of the country is a monster hell-bent on destroying the world. So don't get smart kids, or else you'll threaten all of mankind's existence.

Obviously, since there is a girl being talked about, Umino knows everything there is to know about her. She has an IQ of 300, which you know has to be some made-up bullshit: five seconds on Wikipedia taught me everything I need to know on this subject. Then Naru makes with the violence and beats him, and suddenly GIRL SPOTTED. Her name is Mizuno? Oh, right, Japan is weird with their naming conventions, aren't they. First names last or something.

Things learned about her via hearsay: She's a snob, thinks she's too good for everyone else, and is unapproachable or something, and her mom is a doctor and rich but this girl is so smart her tuition is free or something. And when she looks over the group starts laughing at her trying to pretend they were totally not talking about her at all. Yeah, and people wonder why she secretly wishes they would all just die in some kind of horrifying accident.

With a look like that, I bet she could arrange such an
accident with an IQ of 300...

Secretly, Usagi is jealous of smart kids. Guess that comes from being so irredeemably stupid. But she happens across Mizuno walking along, and suddenly Luna Attacks! Or. Not. And is promptly disarmed by some well-timed petting. This is a cat who pounces like a tiger and kicks grown girls off of bicycles at the gym. And yet this blue-haired freak just takes her attack and disarms her with a mere scratch under the chin? Watch out folks, this girl truly is a demon of some sort. We are all doomed here.

So Mizuno (oh they said her name is Ami now so I'm going to call her that) is all "wow cute cat" and Usagi's all "yeah her name's Luna" and Ami's all "Hey that means moon." REALLY. I DID NOT KNOW THAT. TRULY YOU ARE A GENIUS.

Yet another case of me saying something right before
someone else says it. My god. GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!

So Usagi is trying to be all chatty and nice and stuff, but secretly she wants help with her tests. Well, I guess that isn't really such a bad thing, given that she wants, y'know, actual help with the tests and not just straight-up cheating on them. Though, given the devil-horns and tail... oh, who am I kidding. I'm going to call it now and say she straight up copies Ami's test and both of them get detention or some shit.

Oh, by the way, Luna is all like, "yo, she might be a Yoma, be careful." And she's all "HEY NEWFOUND FRIEND LETS GO PLAY VIDEO GAMES." But of course, Usagi sucks at them, but is passing it off as being all 'pfft, I'm just sucking today.' Ami hops on, and predictably is some kind of master. Gee, not playing close to those tropes, but at least she looks kind of sad about the whole thing. Or at least bored. Maybe both.

Oh, but after the crowd gathers, Ami is reminded she has to get to cram school, and being awesome at video games is somehow second to studying. According to her, it's the only thing she's good at. That and plotting the end of the world, I bet. Off she runs, to her every day at cram school-ness. But she dropped something (ooh a floppy disk wow), and it is up to our heroine to return it. She is duty bound, after all, being the main character in a show.

So, looks like our new main squeeze is going to an Evil Cram School run by some kind of monster. Who is feeding off of their mental energy. Seriously, I get the feeling their plans would be much easier if it was powered by hamster wheels or something - they'd probably see a net gain at any rate. But Ami can't find her disk, but she never uses it.

Oh, but that won't do, so she must use the Crystal Disc provided by our mysterious instructor. But for some reason that thing makes her head hurt and she doesn't like using it.

Now, hold on for just a cotton-picking minute here. Why in the name of god would you have a floppy disk with you, if the purpose was not to, I dunno, store information on it? For that matter, if it isn't being used to store information on it, then that means you're running a program off of it. Now, I know a thing or two about computers, having used them for some time. But if you need to run a specific program off the disc, why in the name of all that is sane would you let those disks leave the classroom? Unless this is a case of don't copy that floppy?

Oh, but no worries, we have a crystal disk that is inherently superior and totally guaranteed not to suck out your soul or anything. I don't even know what's going on at this point. I don't even know what these disks are supposed to be used for. It's like the people who made this don't even know what a computer is or how it operates, even though they were likely required to use one in order to make this show in the first place. Christ my head is starting to hurt from this show already.

So, the sign on the school says "Use this new crystal disc and you'll become a genius." Again, what the hell is on that disc? It's like saying "Use this DVD player and you will become awesome." Wait, that's how advertising works... now I'm even more confused than I was before.

Well, Usagi is convinced that she is holding the Crystal Disk, and everyone's favorite stalker appears behind her! He's all "oh hey looks like you've decided to study how awesome for you." Yes, because clearly you know her well enough to be saying things like that?

Maybe I've pegged him wrong this entire time. Maybe he isn't some sort of creepy, perverted stalker after all. Maybe he's just a complete asshole. Time will tell.

His powers of deduction are astounding.

Oh boy, he's onto you two now. Yeah, I think he's a stalker all right. But in her haste to avoid embarrassment, she forgets to return the disk. Luna gets a genius idea: Let's use the lab at school and analyze this here floppy! Brilliant. Except Usagi is too stupid to know how to operate the computers. Which leaves only one option...

Anyone who's ever owned a cat knows they are fully
capable of this.

So, Luna is not only capable of operating a computer, she is gifted with the very rare talent of being able to analyze a disk's content by reading its very source code. Or something like that. Or maybe she's talking about the weird noise which is not actually background noise as one might suspect (because that's how this show rolls), but is actually.... noise. Well, I never saw that one coming. Then Jadeite's voice is all "blah blah, energy, great ruler", you know, the usual crap. So possession of this disk means that our girl is totally a monster. Time to go destroy her but good!

Y'know, it's amazing how quickly these two jump to conclusions. After all, why would she be carrying the thing around with her all the time, and posing as a student, if her goal was to harvest energy? That just makes no sense at all. But hey, this is a show for kids, this shit is dramatic. So let's just go with our hero's totally inaccurate assumptions.

Wait, hold on. Usagi can't believe this is the truth? My god, once again she is possessing mental faculties above and beyond what she is normally capable of, because the cat says it must be the truth. Anyone with two brain cells could tell this is a terrible assumption, what, did the two swap brains or something, because Luna is kind of dropping the ball here for a change.

So Usagi turns herself into a nurse, and runs in yelling about a 'medical emergency'. She dashes into a classroom, and tells people to get away from the computers, and Ami is all "hey man, don't be interrupting our hardcore study jam session." Then Nurse Usagi is all "HA YOU ARE A MONSTER!" And Ami's all "wait what's a Yoma?"

So then she transforms in front of the entire classroom, because that is clearly the most intelligent thing to do in a situation like this. But it's okay, because the whole class are like, zombies or something, so they probably won't remember anything.

Oh, but the real monster shows up in the form of *gasp* a teacher.

Just remember kids: Teachers are scary, but not
as scary as your mother.

So this week's monster is the "Yoma of Knowledge, Garoben." What? What the heck is a Garoben? According to the internet? It has no freaking clue. So, all aboard the nonsense train, choo choo! Next stop: Negasenseville. Hey, Negasense. That's kind of catchy, I think I like that. Considering these monsters are supposed to be from the... Negaverse or something, from what I recall of the english dub? Yeah, that'll work.

Anyhow, Garoben's true form is understandably dull and boring. She's got red skin and a really lean face with the ugliest green 90's hair you've ever seen. Talk about uninspired.

Lady, you belong in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Oh no, Ami totally isn't the Yoman after all! And Geniuses should use their knowledge for world peace. Yeah.

So, Garobon attacks her with.... science questions? Followed by.... papers of doom? Which are defeated by the correct answer. Wait, what?

She attacks with a second, which is "describe gravity in less than fifty words." Or else the entire class zombie-piles you or something, is the thinly-veiled threat. Meanwhile, Ami's head gets pushed into a computer monitor, but oh noes, you cannot have her energy because she never used your stupid disk.

Oh, finally! Weird glowy thing on her forehead, which is totally the symbol of Mercury. Luna produces a pen out of kitty-space, and rushes over to give it to Ami, who is predictably about to become a Sailor Senshi.

Now, hold on a second. Luna, you are supposed to be good at identifying these things, how the hell do you not realize the abnormal energy is pretty much the same as the girl you've been hanging out with? I am beginning to suspect that the stupid is rubbing off on this one.

So Garobon is about to take Ami's brain or something, but then she makes like a ninja and becomes Sailor Mercury. Thank god, finally there's some OTHER stock footage for me to look at before facepalming.

OF COURSE SHE IS YOU HONESTLY ARE SURPRISED
EVEN THOUGH YOU GAVE HER THE PEN? WHAT?!

So Luna knows everything about the scouts' powers or something, an Ami fogs up the room and makes things really cold. And puts everyone to sleep I guess.

Oh, but she's got to leave the finishing touch to Sailor Moon, because being the new girl somehow means you can't just steal the show. What, is she really the only person capable of destroying monsters or something? Are the other scouts really going to be so lame they can't even do that?

So now Ami has to come to terms with the fact that not only is she stupidly smart but she's also got some sort of crazy awesome magical power. Oh, and now Usagi has someone to fight alongside with, so yay or something.

And the moral of today's story is: Hell if I know, none of this made any damned sense at all and now I am just lost. My favorite color is now fish.

Let's see you figure that one out.