Sailor Moon Episode 09 - Usagi's Misfortune! Watch Out For The Rushing Clocks

So, I've been on vacation for the last few days, and it struck me: I am beginning to enjoy myself entirely too much. Sure, things haven't gone exactly as planned, but it's been missing a bit of, oh, what's the word I'm looking for? Pain? Yes. Entirely not enough pain.

Let's fix that shall we?

An odd thing is that half the time for most anime, I tend to skip the intros unless they are really, really good. But this one? It's really so-so. Yet, I force myself to watch it. Why, you ask? Well, for one it gives me like, a minute to think of something witty to say, but mostly, it's just me bracing myself for a brain hemorrhage.

Well, in this episode, it looks like we're going to have to deal with someone who 'toys with a girl's precious time'. And there's an old maid sailor moon in a thought bubble. Gee, it'd be nice if that would happen to Usagi and suddenly have a heart attack, so we can get a main character who isn't a complete putz, but that's asking far too much.

Predictably, like just about every other episode, we start in Beryl's Palace of Pain, and she's all waving her hands around, acting concerned because the second sailor scout has appeared, and starts talking about how they need to hurry. Like this wasn't a big deal with her before, right? Also, it occurs to me, she has a really huge rack. I don't know if this is a thing with bad guys, but hers seems to be just abnormally... large. Though, her hair is like one of those bad frizzy commercial things, so what do you expect from the artists.

Anyhow, Jadeite is all "hey, people worry about time, bet we could harvest some energy from that" and she's all "brilliant, let's go with that!" Yeah. Evil plans, they still make zero sense to me.

Back in reality, Usagi and Ami are all window shopping and having fun, looking at clothes, wearing dorky sunglasses, and looking at... books and comics. Then there's the obligatory EATING CREPES. What is it with Japan and crepes? Like, every single show ever set in the modern day has people eating them in Japan. Is it just a thing for them? Like, to hell with ice cream, Crepes are the new badass foodstuff that everyone must eat? Maybe it's a cultural thing, I dunno.

A quick Wiki Search says that Crepes are french in origin. So, it's not like Japan even invented it or anything, so why is it so prevalent in their culture? Next time I talk to my friend from Tokyo, I will be sure to ask her to shed some light on this subject, because it's one of those anime tropes that just really baffles the hell out of me, enough to waste two entire paragraphs talking about such a mundane topic.

So they're at the mall, and there's this new shop opening! Grand opening, hoorah! It is.... a clock shop.

.... yes, a shop that sells nothing but clocks, it would seem. I've seen stranger things at the mall I suppose - a piano store, for instance. But clocks? Obviously, this is going to be the ploy that our villains have laid out to act as their operations front this time. But really? I don't think that they understand human society as well as they claim to. For that matter, I'm not sure the writers understand human society either. Because seriously? A clock store?

Perspective be damned in this shop of horrors.

For that matter, how do they manage to fit this giant clock into a tiny little storefront? You would think that this just screams something isn't right.

This place is just loaded with timepieces, from watches to clocks to... other... things that tell time probably. Oh, but everything is on sale, because it is their grand opening! Another thought occurs to me: How do they manage to keep opening these shops? I mean, to do it 'legitimately' you'd need some sort of cash flow. But every single operation they run always has a negative cash flow. Of course, they probably manufacture stuff with 'magic', but how do they cover the actual openings of their operations? Is that magic too? If that's the case, exactly why do they seem to be having problems gathering energy?

Of course, the obvious answer is "well because otherwise it would be a boring story if they couldn't somehow manage to open such things". Well, yes, but don't you think it would be nice if some of this shit got explained? Because right now, this show reads like it was written by middle-schoolers. Which is entirely possible, given that this is Japan in the 90's.

So, Usagi is all "oh hey this one looks like Luna I should totally buy it since I am always late for school." Usagi. You already have a clock, and that never stops you from being late. A new clock is not liable to change that for you at all. But even more disturbing is the fact that the proprietor literally teleports behind them. Straight up, no lies, just appears out of god-damned nowhere.

See that? It's like the bad guys aren't even trying
to keep a low profile anymore.

But of course, Usagi never seems to have more than ten dollars to her name (or a thousand yen, which I guess is actually much less than ten dollars? Oh conversion rates, how fun you are). She can't afford the clock, but Ami is all "oh no worries I'll totally pick you up for school every morning", inadvertently saving our heroine from an age-sucking magical vortex energy collection... thingy. Probably. I'm guessing that's how it's going to work, given how every other episode has been thus far.

Sadly, there is no saving her from her own mother, who already went and bought her a new clock from that very same store anyways. Nice try Ami. Better luck next time, I guess. So, her mom went out with Naru and Umino's mothers while shopping - Umino's mom bought seven clocks. Seven. Clocks. This further reinforces the theory that his family has way more money than sense, because why in the name of sanity would you need seven freaking clocks? The answer? Your parents are clearly insane. Though, they send him to school with a laptop in the early '90s, so...

Hilariously enough, it just happens to be the very same clock that Usagi was looking at earlier, and it was purchased, astonishingly enough, for the exact same reason Usagi wanted one. Her mom must be psychic or something, because this is all too convenient.

Luna takes offense to the clock looking like her, and is all 'that clock looks far too sneaky to be me', and whines on and on about how much better she looks than that clock. Midnight strikes, and of course the clock starts doing its soul-sucking whatever, and Luna is all 'oh noes, the clocks are teh evils!'. But somehow, everyone is all awake and aware and way too far on the ball for anyone's good. In fact, the entire town is all in a rush to get everything done. Even Usagi and Naru are all 'other students are late this is bad we should go find them so we can start class.'

What? But even stranger is, their teacher is all "yeah, study on your own, I can't sit around for this I got four dates to go on so have fun."

.... what?

It's eight in the morning, and they're already looking to be done with their days? Talking about eating lunch at 8am, even though five seconds earlier Usagi was just finishing breakfast? There is something seriously wrong with this picture, and not entirely because of the whole evil freaky magic thing. I mean, don't you think these people would be aware that something really odd is going on, that they've finished a whole day's work in world-record time? Or that they finish one meal to just be ready to eat another?

So, mere seconds after getting to school, they decide to stop wasting time and go home. Meanwhile, Luna catches up to Ami, with a clock strapped to her back.

You're right: IT IS TIED TO YOUR BACK. How the hell...

I don't even want to know how she managed to accomplish this task. Truly she is, in every sense of the word, a magical cat.

Speaking of magic, Luna produces a 'compact supercomputer' from Hammerspace for Ami to use. If you don't know what Hammerspace is, google it, I am too lazy to go link it. According to the cat, it is useful for analyzing and calculating things.

Oh, so it can do math? Awesome. Shame you just gave it to the nerd. Not that Usagi would understand how to use a glorified calculator I suppose...

I love it when I say things mere seconds before the
characters in this show say the exact same thing.

So Ami opens the clock to examine it, and a blue bullet comes flying out, to reveal: the clock is empty! Gasp, who would've thought. There be magic at work here! The darkest of magics. Not that, y'know, there was any doubt given the whole going to be absorbing your energy in the middle of the night light. But I guess you've gotta be sure about these things, right?

Well, now people are in such a hurry that they're totally ignoring traffic lights and all crashing into trucks stopped in the intersection. Also cutting their fingers and crying how they have to go to the hospital so instead of waiting they just go running off to the nearest hospital. One guy says he's missed his plane, and will be running to Paris.

Because truly, running to Paris instead of, I dunno, waiting for the next flight is totally the appropriate response. But at least it looks like for once Team Evil's plan is succeeding. Not that, y'know, the whole thing makes any sense at all, because the villains need energy for their leader. But what powers their magic? I mean, you've convinced an entire city almost that time is flowing five times faster than it usually is, I'd think that would be a difficult thing to manage.

Oh, but there I go, looking for sense in a show that couldn't give two shits about it.

All the energy goes into that giant clock in the store, y'know, that one I said that made no sense that it should be in there. This week's monster is named Ramua, and Usagi is all jogging on the bus because she's in such a hurry. Then some old lady tries to strangle the bus driver because he's decided he's not making any more stops until the end of his route.

Yet the show seems to regard this as a light-hearted thing. You just showed an old lady trying to strange a guy driving a bus on the wrong side of the road. Are you freaking kidding me?! And this shit got aired on television?!

Elsewhere in Too Busy Town, Ami is all "oh gee, we should find Usagi, I don't think I can do this on my own." Mere seconds later, conveniently enough, the bus crashes nearby, and everyone gets off, scolding the driver for not understanding none of them have any time for this crap. Yes, let's totally ignore the fact that you probably should've just died in an horrific traffic accident. But nope, just go about our business like it ain't no thang.

At least Usagi not wanting to waste time is actually helpful, because she's all "screw this, this is the badguy's place, let's just get this done and charge in from the front because if it's a trap it doesn't matter" and just straight up transforms. Huzzah, looks like we might finish this episode in record freaking time. Of course, with the lengthy transformations, odds are we're still looking at breaking even, time-wise.

So Usagi blows open the front door, which promptly seals shut behind her, leaving poor Luna behind, and they go rushing into a place that looks absolutely nothing like the store they were in. They get to the giant clock, confront Ramua, and proclaim their intent to fight, while quickly striking a pose.

That has got to be painful for Ami.

Well, Ramua is all "yeah, wasn't expecting you here already". I mean, it's not like you've been forcing everyone to run around at five times their normal daytime speed or anything. She leads them into the clock, and then we're led into a world that is loosely based off of something Salvador Dali once painted. Very loosely.

Usagi starts rushing around and Ami is all "yo, we should totally advance cautiously since we have no clue what's going on," and while she's trying to put that new compactop to use (that is now totally a word), Usagi starts turning young. Or as they say in Japan, she gets chibified. Meaning, she is a tiny caricature of herself, which tends to be how they portray children in the animes. Sadly, it is not permanent, as Ami hurriedly pulls her back and she returns to her normal form. A shame, because it was a tremendous improvement for Sailor Moon.

So, time is screwy here. It flows faster or slower or even backwards in certain places. Which is kinda cool, I guess, except that its effects don't appear to be permanent, so what the hell's the point of it all?

Meanwhile, Tuxedo Stalker is all making an appearance finally, and is trying to find the girls, apparently. Ami, on the other hand, is putting her new computer to good use.

HOW DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?!

Somehow, this screen manages to tell Ami that there is a 78% chance that their opponent is in a given direction.

Girl, I think you need glasses.

Amazingly, they manage to find the villain, who has been waiting for them, and they declare that they are going to beat the crap out of one another. But then Usagi can't move, because her energy has been absorbed by the clock, and then Usagi gets scratched on the cheek with a spear.

Oh, and then Ramua just kind of stops time for Ami.

Y'know, if you could do that, why didn't you just do it from the very start? I mean, seriously. And how is it that their being sailor scouts no longer protects them from having their energy absorbed by the baddies, as was established in the previous episode? Maybe it has something to do with Usagi just utterly failing period. Yeah, I like that explanation, let's run with that.

So, Ramua sucks as a villain, because somehow, despite the fact that both her opponents are effectively immobilized, she still cannot hit a stationary target with her spear. The girl cannot even stand, and you are somehow missing her with every strike? Lady, your villain license is hereby revoked.

Then Tuxedo Mask throws a rose at the clock, breaking it, and Ramua starts freaking out. Usagi's energy returns, and I guess Ami can move now that the villain has no more energy. Ami does the whole misty thing, picks up Usagi, and now we get to end it all with a well-placed tiara throw. Finally.

Predictably, the villain explodes into dust, and the shop vanishes.

Okay, so we've managed to establish that the villains operate their shops exclusively with magic, or at least in this particular case. Other times, they have to jack things that exist in the real world for their stuff to work (such as in the case with the musician and the recording studio... I guess). So, they don't have to operate with a cash flow, which makes you wonder: What exactly do they do with the money they earn? One does get curious about these things.

Everything's over, and now Usagi's all "I am so totally tired, not gonna do anything stressful ever again" and Naru shows up and goes "yo, cake shop, cake speed-eating contest, RETSU GO", and Usagi rushes off, only to fall over and start crying, while everyone else is laughing about how she will never, ever change.

These people are officially the worst friends ever.

EVER.