Sailor Moon Episode 13 - Girl Power! The End of Jadeite

Friday, friday, friday. Most people would go out and drink, or see a movie, or go out with a loved one. Or all of those things, given the end of the year-ness. But me? I'd rather watch things that make me want to beat my face into a bloody pulp.

So once more we are go for some Sailor Moon. I refuse to add 'goodness' to that statement, because so far I just want to punch myself in the face for this. Let's see how this goes.

Apparently, Jadeite should 'not underestimate the power of girls'. Which is pretty laughable given he's been doing that the entire time and getting his ass handed to him repeatedly. Also, there's an airplane, and Tuxedo Mask shows up at some point.

Congratulations, Japan, you've managed to make an opener that absolutely confounds me. I have literally no idea what's going to happen in this episode. Like, what does a plane have to do with anything? But if the title is any indication, it's about damned time something major happened.

Today's episode starts in Beryl's Skull Palace of Fire. Jadeite gets put under a spotlight, and it almost sounds like he's getting a promotion, what with the whole "you've collected a lot of energy on Earth". Wait, he has? Because uh, he doesn't appear to have gotten jack crap from what we've seen, what with every single plot of his being foiled. But whatever, shows this bad are allowed to have things happen offscreen I suppose. Beryl goes on to start talking about 'setbacks', and pretty much blames him not only for failing to kill the Sailor Scouts, but also for the fact that they've appeared in the first place. Man, this lady is completely out of touch with reality. But then again, this is the same woman that okayed a plan involving an evil cassette tape. In a world with CDs. Yeah...

... what, can't just say 'snap your neck like a twig'?

Supposedly this whole "Eternal Sleep" thing is pretty terrifying, where one 'falls to the bottom of darkness never to return'. In fact, it is so terrifying that someone in the peanut gallery in the background actually comments on it. Wow. And here I thought they were just a static image, now one of them are given a voice for all of five seconds.

Note that only one of the crowd of, I dunno, hundreds actually says anything. Budget constraints much?

Back on Earth, Usagi is looking at the stars, identifying constellations, and eventually making up her own as she goes along. Or rather, re-purposing real constellations as whatever she desires.

Totally a thing in ancient Greece.

Yeah... just.... yeah....

Then she laughs and goes on to call herself 'unfaithful'. Wait, what? Woman, are you bonkers or what? You don't even have a boyfriend, how the hell can you be 'unfaithful' when you are not even in a committed relationship with anyone. I can understand the whole girly thing, but christ on a cracker that is just downright creeptacular. If she keeps making comments like this, I'll no longer be surprised that supercreeper Umino is somehow her friend.

So there's more going on about being in love, being one-sided, yadda yadda, and goes on to wonder what if Motoki were actually Tuxedo Mask?

Clearly, you have yet to realize his hair is ENTIRELY THE
WRONG COLOR. They say love is blind, but sheesh...

Then Jadeite laughs, and there's a dark vortexy thing, and his face appears in the clouds! Looks like he's calling the girls out. To the AIRPORT! On the runway. Or else he's gonna burn the town! Oh, but that thing was totally an illusion he just showed them. Let's ignore the fact that he was looking directly at Usagi. Which means, presumably, through his magic, he learned who they really were and where the three of them lived.

Oh, wait, there goes me trying to use logic in a show that doesn't even follow its own damn rules. They're not even more like 'guidelines'. It just makes things up as it goes along, and damn whatever consequences might follow.

So they meet up at Rei's place, and they're all 'probably a trap but we should go anyways', with Ami being the one trying to be the scared one, but Usagi is all 'yeah nope don't wanna go too scared'.

On the very next day, there's a news report about an 'strange image projected in the sky' which is said to have been a 'vicious prank'. So I guess this actually does rule out the whole 'found you with magic', they just happened to shoot it looking directly at the camera. Which one would think is from her point of view. But now he's broadcasted the thing to the entire city, which makes you just wonder - wouldn't a much better idea be to not show up at the airport, and burn the city anyways? Then you've got an entire city hunting for the girls who never showed up.

This is why I shouldn't be a villain. I come up with ideas that are just entirely too good.

Anyhow, because the threat to Tokyo cannot be ignored, there will be POLICE at the airport. Oh gosh, police, whatever will they do, now they have to contend with the cops. Not like they've ever been effective in the past at all.

There's some discussion about it at the school, and Umino starts talking about it being aliens. Honestly, with as little grasp on humanity as these guys appear to be, they may as well be aliens. So, everyone else is all 'maybe we should go see what happens' and Usagi is all 'that is a dumb idea and you guys should stay home' and they accuse her of knowing something more than what she is saying. That's kind of a leap there, y'know? She's only agreeing with her teacher, and even a blonde like her should be able to put together that this kind of thing is actually pretty dangerous and you should leave it alone.

Of course, she ruins the whole thing by suggesting that if they have time to be going out at night to have fun, they should instead be studying.

Any credibility she might have just had? Right out the window there. Clearly, she must have some problem. Or be sick or something. The teacher immediately thinks she needs a doctor of some sort.

Even the dude at the arcade says she's being weird and she should continue to be weird and he likes weird girls. Which sends her skipping off, and off comes her shoe, which hits someone in the head. You know where this is going.

While not entirely unwarranted, I'm pretty sure she couldn't
hit the broad side of a barn if she ran into it.

So mysterious creeper dude who I'm pretty certain hasn't actually been introduced yet calls her 'not cute' with such a super serious look on his face. How serious is it?

Just add speed lines and GO SPEED RACER GO.

He goes on to ask why she can't be more like normal girls, and she's all 'because some dude I like said he likes me like this'. Then he says guys who say that are losers. Given the man works in an arcade... yeah, that's not really winning any points I guess. They're not exactly the pinnacle of employment.

She counters by saying he's not exactly charming himself, and he goes on to start a line of dialogue that seems very familiar - birds of a feather flock together, dust goes in the dust bin, so on so forth. Of course, this makes her cry, in front of a lot of people, and he goes running off after feeling like an utter jackass (which he is, really).

Later that night at the airport, Jadeite causes people to fall over like mannequins. No, seriously, it's downright comical how they fall over. The girls get to the train leading to the airport, and despite nobody operating it, it mysteeeeriously starts up. I guess you could say it's magic.

They get to the airport, and all of the officers are back up, but now they're zombies or something, and attacking poor little girls with nightsticks. How very threatening. Nightsticks. How were they planning on stopping a terrorist threat again?

Anyhow, Ami realizes something's up, and gets her first transformation in the last few episodes, followed by Rei. This somehow stops the zombies, and Usagi is all 'oh right, I should probably do something too, being the titular character of this show and all that'. The zombies are kind enough to just sit by and wait, of course - another trope of this style of show.

Heck, they're even nice enough to sit back while Ami scans them, and notes that they aren't really officers, they're just clay likenesses. So this means one of two things: Either the Japanese police are so inept or strapped for cash they can't actually arm their officers, or the villains are so inept at making copies they don't know what a friggin' gun is. One is just as bad as the other, and honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to try and analyze this, because I'm never going to like the answer I find.

So Mars blasts them to bits, and they're all 'yay we won'. Then Jadeite shows up and is all "ha, I saw who you really were!" Wait, so your entire plan was to lure them here... so you could find out they look exactly the same as they do in their uniforms? That doesn't tell you who they are, just what they look like! Now, some people have tried to explain this shit away as being part of the 'magic', which has been evidenced once before very early in the show. But honestly, I think everyone in this fictionalized version of Japan is so incompetent, it's surprising they ever managed to invent something like cell phones or hell, automobiles for that matter.

Then Jadeite starts off on some sort of tangent thing that makes no sense at all.

What the hell did you say? No, really. What the hell did
you say, I don't understand crazy.

To which Sailor Moon cries out that because she is beautiful she will die young, because of some weird, backwards saying. Rei comments, then they start comparing beauty and ARGH JUST MAKE IT STOP ALREADY. Thankfully Mercury is the voice of reason that stops the fight, and Jadeite hits a plane with lightning that makes it move.

So.... that was his brilliant plan. To try and run over the Sailor Scouts with airplanes taxiing on the runway.

Clearly, the girls are in trouble here, and Mars is all "welp, just gonna burn me some planes." Not on Luna's watch, however.

I'm going to guess more than 10,000 yen, which is what
Usagi generally has in her purse.

According to Luna the wonder kitty, all of their allowances pooled together for the rest of their lives couldn't pay for a single plane. Well. Gee. Good thing they won't be stuck on allowances for the rest of their lives. Are they trying to teach kids some kind of values here or something? Because now I am genuinely confused again.

Well, Mercury comes up with the most brilliant plan in the world: Running. Which is kind of funny when you think about it, because they are somehow kind of weak to this sort of thing. By which I mean to say, going off the runway. But that would probably damage the planes, right?

Oh, and they run out of runway pretty quick too. Gee, wonder what's going to happen next? Oh, right, I bet Tuxedo Mask is going to show up and save the day. After all, the episode overview showed us that not even fifteen minutes ago.

As predicted, he shows up, somehow stopping the Evil Magic just by attacking the ground with a rose. Like, what, does his rose generate an anti-magic field or something, that stops all Evil Magic from being used in an area? It's a goddamned rose for crying out loud. The worst it can do is prick your thumb.

Now there is an epic showdown between manly men, and Jadeite dives into the water holding onto Tuxedo Mask. Jesus, just kiss and make out already. So a lonely rose floats to the surface of the water, and oh noes, looks like he might have died. What a shame. After all, he probably had like, the most badass name of anyone in this show. Jadeite rises out of the water like some sort of god-like figure, and declares Tuxedo Mask to be dead. Then he gets downright sexist.

Okay, whoa, wait, what? Did you really just say that?

Of course, this understandably angers the girls who proclaim such feudalistic things, down with sexual discrimination, so on so forth. But then he sends another plane after them.

Yeah. So they're running and Luna is like "y'know the plane isn't our problem, it's the dude controlling it right?" Yes, sage wisdom from a cat that not even the smartest girl in Japan could have seen. It's like she has that fancy computer thingy for no reason, I swear.

The girls have to work together now, it seems. Wait, weren't they always supposed to work together to begin with? Why is this a new concept, exactly? Whatever. If it means they kick ass and get this episode over with, I'm all for it.

So Mercury sends out her blindy mist thing, while Sailor Moon is all playing the part of a decoy. Mercury sneaks up behind Jadeite and is all 'boo bitch', but he's all 'yeah got a plane for you too HA' so off she's running. But then Mars shows up with a talisman and slaps on on his back while he isn't looking, and suddenly the planes are targeting Jadeite.

Now the trapper has been caught in his own trap, and Sailor Moon throws her tiara at him, and misses. He does, however, get run over by a plane.

Many Bothans died to give us this information. Also,
I got run over by a plane. Cut me a little slack, please?

Of course, Beryl just encases him in crystal anyways, and sends him off to nowhere, before calling her next minion to be defeated to the forefront.

Who's this douche bag? Five bucks says he's named after a gem.

Back at the airport, the girls are mourning poor Tuxedo Mask. Who of course chooses now to reveal he was standing there the entire time. They take the time to ask, 'why do you keep saving us' and 'who are you really?'

Of course you can't, not only would it blow their little
minds, and ruin the rest of the season, you only have like
15 seconds left.

He tells them to value their friendship, and flies off into the air, ending the episode.

This show breaks the fourth wall so hard, while attempting to maintain an air of seriousness, not to mention being aimed at kids, it's a wonder anyone ever thought this was a groundbreaking concept. Because the only thing groundbreaking about it is the fact that the entire cast of heroes, bar one, is pretty much a woman.

Oh Japan. How far you've come.