Sailor Moon Episode 11 - Usagi vs. Rei? A Nightmare in Dreamland

Because I quite clearly did not cause enough mental scarring to myself last night, I'm going to be doing one more today. Perhaps a few more tomorrow, depending on how my day goes (and how much I hate myself by the end of it).

So according to today's episode in thirty seconds, something about a doll-like monster who uses an amusement park to steal girls' dreams. I'm fairly sure that if you can compress an entire twenty-minute episode into 30 seconds, you must be doing something very wrong. Why even bother to show us this crap after you've shown us how the entire episode is about to go? Additional: This is starting to make me want to do a Sailor Moon: The Abridged. Assuming someone hasn't beaten me to that punch already. (Oh god damn it all. Seems they're following the English version of the show however, so there may be hope for me yet.)

Anyhow, this title screen is already filling me with dread - as if this show needed anything else, it is now attempting to implement drama and edgy tension with a character that was just introduced last episode. Like, no time to get to know her, she's about to just be declared a total bitch? Whatever.

Today's episode starts off at the shrine, where I guess Luna is all happy and crap that everyone is getting together. Ami's trying to read a book, and the other two are... fighting over a Sailor V manga that neither one of them have managed to finish reading yet. Oh for shit's sake am I really going to have to put up with this all episode? (The inevitable answer is YES.)

Oh for.... really?! You have a goddamned computer!!

Not even a minute into the show, and the fighting between Rei and Usagi is absolutely unbearable. Luna is all getting yelly and stuff, and she's like "Man, you guys gotta find this princess chick." To which they go "Oh, I bet she's super easy to find being a princess and stuff, I bet she's totally got like, I dunno, a sign hanging around her neck running around yelling 'hey I'm a damned moon princess'." Here's an idea: You want to find someone like that, you go check the sanitariums. They're full of moon princesses I'm sure.

Of course, since it isn't that easy to find the princess, Rei just flat out gives up. Yes. Because being a freaking psychic won't give you any insight whatsoever. It's not like you sit in front of a bonfire and give predictions or anything.

Of course, since everyone seems to have the collective IQ of a wet bag of sand right now, Ami comes up with the bright idea of 'protecting everyone from the eerie enemies that threaten the peace!' until Luna manages to dig up some more conclusive leads. Of course, it might be helpful if the crazy arcade machine had bothered to tell Luna what she was looking for in the first place. But hey, that would make sense, am I right? Obviously the writers want to leave us in complete suspense.

So there's this new amusement park called Dreamland, and I guess some people have come up missing. Some fifty-some people, in fact.

Y'know, that many people go missing, you would think that they would close the park down or something. But nope, not in fake Japan it doesn't.

Meanwhile, back in Beryl's House of Fire, Jadeite is getting scolded for allowing a third warrior to join the team. As if he really had much choice, given that he's pretty much had the shit end of the stick the entire time. I mean, you could've bothered to hire a competant henchman to begin with, but I guess you get what you pay for, and something tells me you fished this guy out of a buy one get three free bargain bin, and he was one of the freebies.

Zero chances left is not very many at all.

Wait, I thought that you said last episode he had one more chance left? I mean, isn't the whole point of telling someone not to screw up again defeated if you straight up give them another chance afterwards? Okay, so maybe there were mitigating circumstances, but shouldn't she have at least mentioned that, saying "well, you screwed up but it couldn't be helped" but instead she's all "man, you really cocked this one up dingle-berry " So, here's what I can gather from the main villainess of the show thus far: She is lazy, incompetent, can't count, and appears to have the memory span of a half-dead goldfish with Alzheimer's. I guess that explains a lot.

Hang on, why are these guys so terrifying exactly? If you ask me, they're just more plain... weird at this point. Anyhow, Jadeite has a brilliant plan. Not only that, but he is totally going to kill those pesky Sailor Scouts and their little cat too! I can hardly imagine what could possibly go wrong here.

Here's a brilliant idea: Take a few of those guys in the
background for good measure. Hell, take all of them.
Problem solved.

So Beryl gets a change of skin tone, and says "you'd better remember this, I can replace you!" Which amazes me that she hasn't already. Or been replaced herself for that matter. Incompetence is like shit that rolls downhill - if it's present at the top, it flows all the way down.

Back in Dreamland, people are all having fun and nobody suspects that the park itself has anything to do with the disappearances. Or at least that's what the park management would love for them to believe. But who is the man in charge?

I just wear another hat and no one will ever recognize me.

Oh. This guy.

So they aren't even in the park for ten minutes and already Usagi is goofing off, riding carousels and shit. Luna almost flips her shit, and Rei is all "god you are worthless" which is pretty much the truth. Then Usagi nearly gets eaten by a lion.

But not ANY lion mind you.

A talking lion.

A talking, mechanical lion.

Who is owned by some doll-looking chick called the Dream Princess.

Apparently the lion is controlled via remote control. By which the Dream Princess means, she waves her friggin' hands over the apple she's holding in her hand that starts to glow.

Now, either the writers of this show were incredible visionaries decades ahead of the curve (doubtful), or I suspect there is magic involved. But is anyone going to pick up on this, much less the resident magical cat in the group? Probably not.

So it would appear that pretty much any animal you've ever seen in a Disney movie is here in the park, and is a robot, that is controlled by a red apple. This is not an episode I should be watching while sleep-deprived, because I swear this is going to mess with my head later. I'm sure of it.

Well, it would appear that the psychic of the group (being Rei of course) senses a strange aura coming from the Dream Princess. As if you needed to be a psychic to realize that there's something off about her. Or the fact that, y'know, she's controlling an entire park's worth of robots with a god damned apple. That'd be a pretty big indicator for me, y'know.

So Usagi and Rei are about to get into it, and DP is all "hey, I've got a show at the Candy House in a bit you should come." Which is totally not going to be a problem for Usagi since she pretty much only ever thinks about eating or being hopelessly romantically involved with people who work in arcades or throw roses at monsters. Truly, this girl has impeccable taste, let me tell you.

So Jadeite's plan is to absorb all the energy of the sailor scouts. Which... I am still fairly certain was already established earlier on that it does not work that way. But hey, consistency is for dweebs, who cares about something like that? The girls, meanwhile, split up into two groups: Ami and Luna in one, and team Fire and Dumb in the other. Nothing can possibly ever go wrong with this.

Nothing at all.

So Rei is all stalking DP, saying her hunches are never wrong. And Usagi is all "lookit the rabbit it's so kyoooote" and someone finally comments on the fact that her name means rabbit. Holy crap it only took them eleven episodes. Then Rei wigs out because a little boy is riding on the back of the fake bear. Cue fight between Usagi and Rei over what the boy should do, completely ignoring the fact that the little boy just wants to enjoy his day at the park. Urgh.

After about 30 seconds of the same three clips being repeated over and over, the boy's mom shows up, and then the two girls are on a train run by a giant panda. Suddenly the train stops, and Usagi rams her face into the person in front of her who oh for cripes sake.

Nothing says creeper more than being a single man alone
in an amusement park on a train full of children.

But in an amazing bout of lucidity, she actually manages to come up with an obvious question for once.

Why, it's almost as if he were stalking you or something.

She goes on to suggest that he might be a loser, and causes him to actually look a little bit embarrassed for a change. I guess it must be that early '90s mentality where someone can just be labeled a 'loser' for doing something like this, as opposed to a child-raping-sodomite, but you take what you can get with these shows.

But supposedly she's 'touched on a sore spot', which insinuates that man-with-no-name is totally a loser with nothing better to do with his life after all. But then there's an announcement! The show at the Candy House will be starting soon! And immediately after, Rei makes a startling revelation.

Rei's true psychic power is that of common sense.

Clearly, Rei's been looking ahead at the script or something, because nobody would ever see this coming. She is displaying an intellect that far surpasses anyone else's in this show so far, including that of the so-called genius girl who is number one in the country. Y'know. That other Sailor Scout.

Welp, they get to the Candy House, and Ami's already gone in, leaving the cat and the other two outside. Oh, but Rei feels an eeevil aura coming from within.

Then DP spits out a cloud and everyone starts tripping on some psychedelic aroma. They go from eating sweets to eating flowers to falling asleep, everything being absorbed by that damned apple.

I really doubt the writers would know what this would
mean more than fifteen years later.

So Ami falls unconscious, her energy absorbed despite that not working the first time someone tried that, and the girls are all 'oh hey, nerdgirl is in there, we should probably do something.' But the door is locked, oh noes. Whatever will they do.

Oh, right, they'll transform and blow shit up. This is the latter half of the episode after all, so that only makes sense right? So Rei explodes the door, and Jadeite is all doing his thing somewhere else. They meet up with DP, who spits a cloud of red crap again, then tries to give Usagi a flower crown, who is stupid enough to try accepting it despite the cat's warnings not five seconds earlier that this is an illusion.

Rei pushes Usagi out of the way and the crown is revealed to be a (probably) poisonous snake that bites Rei. Oh no! That is probably the most effective attack in the entirety of this show. A freaking snake bite. Oh, but it gets better! The snake turns to stone immediately after, and it would seem that the venom causes you to turn to stone too.

But Rei is super shrine maiden and whips out a charm to stop herself from becoming a statue, which is a shame, then demands DP stop the shenanigans and reveal her true form. Which turns out to be a marionette of some sort. Immediately, she conjures up another illusion, and Usagi loudly proclaims that she won't be falling for any more stupid traps.

Right. Like anyone believes that for two seconds.

Immediately, someone comes riding in on a white horse: It's Tuxedo Mask! Which both girls are idiotic enough to fall for. Next thing you know they're all jumping up on his horse, riding on carousels, and probably god only knows what else. Oh, but then the real Tuxedo Mask shows up, attacking the apple with a rose.

..... y'know, you would think that would not be very effective. But it does manage to dispel the illusion.

Okay, no matter how you look at this? This is just freaking
disturbing.

Welp, instead of acting and doing stuff, they wait for Tuxedo Mask to leave, and then doll picks up the apple again, preparing one more illusion. Elsewhere, Ami wakes up, and the girls all meet up again. Mercury transforms, and I guess they've got about 90 seconds to beat the monster and wrap up, boy they are cutting it close today. Ami fogs up the place, Rei slaps a charm on the doll, and Usagi does her frisbee move while Rei charges it with fire I guess. Then the monster dies, and I guess everything can return to normal.

Then Jadeite is all aggravated because his plan was once again foiled by the fact that three girls ganging up on a single monster is just simply unfair.

Y'know, again, this goes back to the whole 'if you really wanted to get rid of them' thing. Frankly, all of the villains are pretty lazy, it's a wonder they ever manage to get anything done.

So I guess today's big lesson is the whole teamwork thing, where you can overcome anything if you work together blah blah blah. But instead of listening, Usagi whines about how Rei's ice cream is larger than hers.

So help me god, if I ever meet someone as idiotic as Usagi, may I be granted the serenity to not want to shoot them in the face. Because Usagi is just plain damned annoying and unlikable. She is literally a comicbook character, in that she does things not because of an apparent motivation to do them, but because the story dictates that she must do them.

I'm going to bed now. I can't take any more of this shit.