Sailor Moon Episode 10 - Cursed Buses! Fire Warrior Mars Appears

In the forecast for today: A double dose of PAIN, followed by a little bit of agony, with a 15% chance of skull fractures. I've decided to just go ahead and do the next episode because why the hell not. Also, I need to be prepared for when I finally get around to doing the movies (of which, thankfully, there are only two, and even more thankfully, are ONLY an hour long apiece). But I'll burn those bridges when I get to them.

So, this episode is listed as being 'uncut'. Now, when I see the words 'uncut' beside an episode, the first thought to my mind is, zomg, there must be some boobies shown. But this has not been the case for the last two episodes listed as such (episodes 04 and 06), so thus far I am disappoint. It is almost as though the universe is attempting to reverse-troll me, in some weird way.

The only thing I can think of is that these episodes that are 'uncut' are ones which were altered in the English release - which I'm not watching. I'll do more research on it some other time, if I care to.

So in this episode, we're finally going to meet Sailor Mars, otherwise known as Rei, the Shrine Maiden. Shrine Maidens are pretty cool, and I think that, personally, their role in Japanese culture is very interesting, and one of the places I would love to go to if I ever manage to visit Japan would be some of those shrines that are still open.

Of course, I could gush about all that stuff for hours on end, but what purpose would that serve? This blog is about PAIN, not INFORMATION. So let's get to the good stuff.

I love the title of this episode already. Cursed Buses. What, are we going into some bizarro world where suddenly Sailor Moon is thrust into the role of those guys in Speed, where they must race around the town without stopping lest the bomb on the bus explode? Hell, that's probably far too exciting for this show. I bet they'll go with something dumb instead, like 'once you get on the bus, you never get off again.'

Yeah, that sounds about on-par for this show.

Hokay, so let's get this: According to Beryl, in her home of the Dark Skull Palace (which is still half on fire), there is this 'legendary Silver Crystal' that they are looking for and need to find before the heroes do. Don't you just love plot exposition that will probably only exist for a single episode, or which shows up like, once and doesn't get mentioned again until about ten episodes later? Pretty much calling that one already.

Also according to Crystal-ball-tits-McGee, her empire (not hers as in she is the leader of I guess, since she works for some other dude) is the only one that should be allowed to have this thing. Whatever it is. Also also according to her, she will show 'no mercey to anyone trying to hinder (their) Dark Kingdom."

.... so you're going to get rid of those Sailor Scouts, right? Because uh, they've been pretty much wrecking shit since day one. You think that might be a priority at this point. She's all "Jadeite, you find that crystal yet?"

And he's all, "Yeah, about that. See, I've been busy trying to get this other laundry list of shit done for you, like coming up with ill-conceived plans for harvesting energy, things like that. It's a lot of work trying to get evil cassette tapes into studios, or opening giant exercise gyms, or creating fake clock stores that nobody seems to think twice about, so sadly, no, I haven't been able to fit 'find Legendary Silver Crystal' into my busy-ass schedule quite yet."

Or at least, that's what I would have said if I were in his position. I mean, if the damn thing were so important, wouldn't it be a great idea to have more than one person working on everything? I mean, if the background is any indication you have no shortage of villains to put to work. Literally, they are just standing around waiting to be given work. But hey, this lady is too busy staring at a ball all day to do anything else, so what do you expect?

Ah, but she's all "yeah, you've kinda been screwing up lately, but I guess I can give you one last chance, so get this thing done for me or it's back to kibble for you." Assuming they eat kibble. Or anything at all for that matter. So she assigns him to gather energy, kill the scouts, and probably also find this stupid crystal thing at the same time. I mean, no pressure dude. It's not like she is literally giving you every task ever.

No rush.

Back in Tokyo, Police go rushing by Usagi and Luna, who meet up with Ami, who is waiting at the bus stop to go to cram school. I can only surmise, given the title of the episode, that this is going to turn out horribly.

Anyways, they are soon joined by Naru and black-haired-girl-whose-name-is-unimportant, and Naru's all "hey you hear about the bus" and they're all like "omahgawd no". She goes on to tell them that, seemingly, the bus that left after 6pm suddenly vanished.

Did I call it, or did I call it? I think I called it.

So, this is a thing that has been going on for some time now - lots of people have been vanishing - the other day, some fifty people on a bus just up and disappeared. Of course, there's this temple near that line that is famous for selling anti-evil amulets or something, and the girl who runs it is psychic and super-accurate with all her predictions.

Gee, this doesn't sound like they're going to get the wrong idea about her and attack at all.

Well, Ami asks Usagi to get her a charm while she's at it, so she doesn't catch a cold for her upcoming tests.... yeah. So, off to get some amulets I guess. Outside the shrine is this creepy blonde guy (who probably isn't Jadeite - no, I mean that actually I really don't think it's him this time) who is watching girls pray, and is all 'mmmyeees pray more you stupid girls'. Creepy, but I'm honestly not convinced he's the badguy. I could be wrong. Hell, I probably am wrong. But who cares.

Anyhow, there's this short bald guy who is all hitting on girls, asking if they want to become shrine maidens, then tries pushing more stuff on them. He is the grandfather of Rei, it would seem, and his favorite pickup line is 'how would you like to become shrine maidens?'

... yeesh.

So Usagi and company show up, and sadly creepy blonde guy turns out to be... Jadeite. He holds his hands out at the girls who just left, does some magic-thingy, and then the girls become zombified. Rei freaks out, and starts slapping Usagi with evil-warding charms. Awesome, it's like she knows that this blonde-haired freak is destined to screw everything up.

It would seem that Jadeite is... working for Rei. Who, despite being able to tell when evil stuff is around, is completely oblivious to the fact that he is the evil thing. Great going, you are already going far, Mars. Luna takes one look at him and goes "hrm, I feel like I've seen this guy before." Gee, I dunno, probably only when he was sucking the life out of people at the gym. But hey, his hair is covering his eyes, that totally makes him look different right?

According to Rei, her grandfather hits on everyone regardless of gender. And decided to make blondie a live-in helper. Already he is winning Creepiest Old Guy Ever. So Rei is all bothered because there's something evil around, and it's been throwing off her normally-accurate prophecies. Luna is suddenly wondering if this is the princess she's been looking for?

I'm sorry, but your princess is still in another castle.

Moments later, some old hag busts in demanding to see the head priest, and is all upset because her daughter never returned from buying amulets. Then the old hag is all accusing the old man of wanting to run his ceremony at 5:30 to force people to take the 6:00 bus... and Rei tells her to STFU and GTFO. Or something like that.

Well, Luna is all convinced this has something to do with the villains, and wants to get with Ami and figure stuff out. Then they find a whole bunch of zombie girls who are in love with people and happen to have amulets from the shrine. Every single one of 'em. Love charms, super popular, and eeeeeviiiiiil.

So the bus is arriving: The Red 66. Yeah... that's not a thinly-veiled attempt at a devil number at all, good going Japan. It looks like a normal bus, except it's driven by this guy:

Your rang?

This dude looks like friggin' Lurch from the Addams Family. Everyone gets on the bus, and Ami is all "hey we should get on too," but Usagi is too much of a wuss and hugs the pole instead, thereby not vanishing into nothing. Which is exactly what the bus does, after it flies into the air.

Welp, mystery solved folks, the bus vanishes into a dark vortex that defies all physics - or at least the phsyics that Ami is aware of. Amazing how two girls manage to accomplish in five minutes something the police have spent weeks trying to understand. Perhaps this is a poke at the effectiveness of the Japanese police force...

Anyhow, the bus floats around in space, and all the girls have their energy drained, and then we hit the halftime show. Yay.

Back at the shrine, Rei is feeding her pet crows. Which are named Phobos and Deimos.

Seriously? Phobos and Deimos? You couldn't possibly.... y'know what, it's not even worth flipping out over. Of course they'd go there. I can only imagine what they're going to do once they introduce Jupiter. What, is she going to have like, fifteen boyfriends or something? Cripes. (Note: Wiki says that number is way too low. I say, I don't care.)

So Usagi goes back to Rei, and is all "I saw the bus vanish" and immediately thinks that she's trying to accuse her grandfather of having something to do with the whole thing. Rei chases her off, but Luna drops a pen for the girl, who is all "guess she dropped this, does she know?" Then looks over at Not!Jadeite, and is all 'ever since he showed up, we've sold more amulets but...' Oh, looks like the gears are finally moving again. Maybe she'll figure it out?

Nope, goes right back to praying by the fireside again. Oh well.

Back at the bus route, Usagi doesn't know why Luna left a pen, but Ami is running late and the Red 66 shows up again. Looks like Usagi's doing this one solo. Or would be if she wasn't such a wuss. Once again, the bus driver just kinda laughs, and prepares to drive off, but then Usagi comes up with... a brilliant... plan?

Dressing like a skank: Totally empowering.

So wait. Let me get this straight. You are a coward, so your plan is to dress up as a bus attendant. In front of the enemy. So you will be less afraid? HOW DOES THIS MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE AT ALL? IT DOES NOT. In fact, this is beginning to approach the Negasense zone again. Because that just... ARRRGH.

So, she hops on just before the bus leaves, and is all saying things about how it's her duty to ensure the passengers are.... safe and comfortable. Even though they're all passed out and stuff. Meanwhile, the bus driver is just laughing. I would be too, because this shit is just utterly ridiculous it is almost downright comical. Even Luna is wondering what the hell is up with this.

But predictably, the bus just drives off, and they all go flying off into a black hole sun, leaving Ami behind. Way to be late, nerd.

Back at the Shrine, Rei is all asking who is at the source of all this messed up crap, and sees... Jadeite! Gasp, who would have thought. She goes to confront him, crows in tow, and asks him to reveal his true form. Instead, he just sucks her into black hole land. Where there seem to be a lot of buses.

Then the bus driver turns into a monster, grabs Rei holding her hostage, and Usagi whines about being too scared to fight before promptly transforming. I'm not even sure why I am caring at this point.

Sailor warrior of truth and justice and blah blah blah, Rei gets a mark on her forehead, and is probably about to turn into a warrior. Usagi throws a tiara while the crows distract the Youma, who drops Rei. Then the monster just grabs hold of the tiara and laughs. Oh gee, looks like Usagi is useless. Guess she gets to die now, right? We can has new main character?

Oh, no, instead it was part of her brilliant plan, and the tiara turns into a binding thingy that wraps around the monster.

.... yeah, okay, I didn't get that either, she's just pulling things out of her butt at this point. Luna is all 'yo, take out your pen and transform' and Rei is only surprised for like three seconds that the cat can talk. Now we can have Sailor Mars transformation, and she is all about the fires. Pretty sure there's like, some sort of innuendo there, but she dies the giant fireball thing and roasts that monster but good.

Oh but good going, now your only way out is closing. Meanwhile, Ami is still on the sidewalk, praying? Somehow, she magically sends a beam of light showing them the way out (despite clearly being able to see it?).

Oh, and then Tuxedo Mask suddenly shows up.

Wait, what?! When did he get here? This makes even less sense than usual, normally he has his calling card or something, but he has clearly upped his stalker powers in that he now has a Michael Myers level of off-screen teleportation.

He doesn't give two shits about your pocket dimensions.

Somehow, they find the time to chain a bunch of buses together and drive them back into the real world, and Jadeite goes back to the palace of pain. Then Tuxedo Mask vanishes, and Usagi immediately accuses Rei of trying to steal her man, and then she cries because Rei accuses her of it being a one-sided love.

... god I hate this show so much. I think I can safely say that at this point. Nothing makes sense anymore at this point, the writers are just chaining nonsensical bull-shit together.

I think I'm going to give myself a break before I hit myself. Thank god that was the end of the episode.