Kodomo No Jikan Episode 03 - Fast Rise

You ever have one of those friends that you make a deal with, fully expecting that they won't follow through on their part of the bargain thereby leaving you off the hook, then they immediately turn around do do the exact opposite of what you expect them to?

Welcome to the reason I am watching the third episode of KnJ. Perhaps if I had a bottle of alcohol to keep me company, this might actually be tolerable. Sadly, I don't, but I hate myself anyways so why the hell not. Let's get this over with.

Today's episode starts as a pretty standard fare, trains all passing in front of people, reflecting pools of water on the school grounds. It's just lulling you into a false sense of security though. You know that within the first three minutes of the show, something just completely messed up is going to happen.

I should've said thirty seconds because within that amount of time Rin is taking naked pictures of herself and preparing to mail them to someone. Gee. I wonder who that could be.

Yep, straight to Daisuke. Kuro freaks out though, and comes charging out of the classroom, hopefully to stop him from seeing such terrible things. Meanwhile, at the office, Daisuke learns that it is probably about to become "That Time" for his students, as it 'happens to women earlier than with men'.

I think I wanna puke already.

Daisuke gets the mail, and it reads "An elementary schooler's H picture", but believes it to be spam and promptly deletes it, just as Kuro runs in screaming not to read the mail sent to his phone. I have to admit at least the part where she falls flat on her face was pretty amusing.

Of course, she's running around in what equates to a nightgown, and when Daisuke asks her why she is dressed like that, she kicks him in the nuts. That seems about right.

So today's homeroom is gym class or something, and he tells them to warm up with stretching exercises, then gets excited by Mimi's breasts as she bounces on Rin's back. God just die in a fire dude, and end this series please. Then he doesn't understand why she's developed so quickly and isn't wearing a bra. Immediately after, he makes them run ten laps.

Not long after, Mimi falls down (because he huge knockers are giving her issues) and lands right in one of those water puddles I mentioned earlier. Daisuke is all "what' wr- hrrrrrrng" and Kuro sends a basketball to his nuts. If she wasn't quite so much of a bitch, I might actually start liking Kuro for the things she's doing to him.

Later in the teacher's lounge, he agonizes over how to tell Mimi that she needs to wear a bra. Obviously, it would sound weird coming from a guy, right? So maybe he'll ask that hot teacher lady for advice? No, he'll ask Rin to help him with it instead. What a moron. You should clearly be asking the female instructors for help with this crap, not the students who are clearly attempting to jump on your balls.

Oh, but hot teacher lady comes up behind and asks what's wrong, to which he replies "breasts". Then he leaves her thinking he doesn't give two shits about 'em, leaving her understandably... devastated.

Sorry, seems like your assets are useless now.

Back in class, Rin is all telling Kuro maybe she should ease up, then offers the rest of her milk box to her. Obviously, this sends Kuro into dreamy star land, because OH MY GOD INDIRECT KISS etc etc. As if we all didn't see this crap coming.

Of course, the next part I honestly didn't see coming: Daisuke comes in, says "hey, confiscating this milk, you shouldn't have it here". Kuro practically begs him to let her finish it, given that it would count as 'wasting food'. What's he do? He drinks the remainder of the milk carton.

So, not only is he a pervert and a horrible failure as a human being, he's also a complete and utter dick to boot. For stealing her indirect kiss, Kuro falls over, then nails him in the nuts again.

After school, he's all sitting outside thinking to himself, and Rin comes over and is all.... well, offering to care for his penis. Again.

I mean really, it couldn't be any clearer, and it's not as though she's tried hiding this crap in the past.

Then she offers him some candy to recover his energy. Candy that is currently in her mouth. Can this possibly get any more vomit inducing? The answer: Most likely. She then runs off after teasing him a little more, and I am left wondering why the hell anyone ever thought this show was a good idea.

Well, hot teacher lady is all agonizing over her breasts and feeling herself up in the bathroom, and when she comes up she sees Mimi waiting, and wonders what is wrong. I'll give you a hint: It's the same problems you've been dealing with your whole life lady. The ones you were just agonizing over.

If this were any other show, this would probably be hilarious.

Her response: Drink milk every day. Because clearly, that is the correct answer. Not that there honestly is a correct answer, but at least it's innocuous enough, given that milk is healthy for growing children. To an extent.

Of course, now Mimi is convinced she doesn't need milk at all. Kid, you not drinking milk is not going to miraculously shrink your boobs, it doesn't really work that way.

But Mimi is scared because she doesn't want to stand out in the class, and be the only kid wearing a bra.

So her reason for having to deal with pain every day is so she doesn't get picked on or singled out any more than she already is? Well... damn, okay, that is actually kind of reasonable given their age.

On his way home, Daisuke picks up a teen magazine that Kuro seems to read, and immediately thinks he is being a pervert by looking at it. Truthfully? HE IS. HE IS BEING A GIGANTIC PERV AND HE DESERVES TO HAVE LITTLE BOYS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE'S BEING A GIANT FREAK.

He keeps trying to understand what is going on in Kuro's little mind, so that maybe she won't be quite so violent with him all the time. It's not that hard to understand, she hates your friggin' guts. Deal with it.

Not gonna lie, this is officially the best chair ever.

Of course, this is where this show goes completely into WTF-territory, because she looks at a book about Lincoln (y'know, awesome president, hunts vampires), and is reminded of Rin. Then there's some dude doing the Limbo under a flaming pole, and she just starts going "RIN RIN RIN RIN RIN". Yeah. Chick has some issues for sure.

Elsewhere, there is a grocery store called "Hey! You!" I would not be surprised if this were a real thing, given some of the crazy shit you see in those lovely Engrish photos that pop up now and again on the internet. Inside the store, Rin is running around with some dude named Reiji (probably her brother), and Mimi goes up an escalator by herself. What was the purpose of this scene? WHO KNOWS. Because suddenly it is the next day.

Magically, Mimi is wearing a bra, and the boys are picking on her already. As Daisuke walks in, her friends are already beatin gthe crap out of the boys who were doing the picking on. He questions them about what's going on, and reflexively covers his nuts as Kuro turns to him, then they run out leaving him wondering what just happened.

So Mimi is crying because the bra is suffocating, and Kuro is all "the hell did you get this thing". According to her, she is wearing the wrong size bra because her mother was too much of a  stuck-up bitch to not go with her daughter to buy her first bra, instead just giving her the money and letting her do her own thing. This sounds to me like irresponsible parenting, and given how often this show veers into that sort of territory? Wouldn't be surprised if that was actually the case.

Somehow, though, Kuro and Rin know exactly how this stuff works, so they offer to go shopping again right after school.  But Mimi has no money, whatever shall they do?

Kuro sells the bra at something called a "recycle shop". You ever have one of those moments where you go to google something and immediately feel you are going to regret it? Well here we go.

According to the internets, they are the Japanese version of thrift stores. Which I guess makes sense, calling second-hand shops 'recycle stores'. Though, it would seem that in this case, it's the sort of store where you sell things that have been worn by women.

There are no lows this show will not sink to. NONE.

So off they go to measure Mimi, in every way, and their attention to detail is... disturbing to say the least. This is not made any easier by Rin's stroking. The only thing keeping this from being full-on H is the fact that they show zero nipples. Yet, this still somehow managed to get aired in Japan, which is astonishing to say the very least. You'd think this would have thrown up at least a few flags, even over there.

Meanwhile, hottie teacher is all trying to figure out how to bag herself a Daisuke, and comes to the conclusion she needs to be more forward. Gee, who would've thought. Of course, she totally ignores black-haired teacher lady, and declares that she should go drinking with Daisuke, leaving the other teacher... bewildered to say the least.

Back in the lounge, other teacher guy is talking about his daughter owning a pet, making 'gabu gabu' noises, and then talking about shellfish. I am pretty sure there's some perverted nonsense in there but I am just too braindead to consider what it could mean. Then hottie comes in.

You've already had too much I think. Alternatively:
Lady, go home. You are drunk.

Somehow, she invites both of them to drink, and she is left by her lonesome. Her conclusion must be that he is gay at this point or something. One would hope so at any rate.

So, like a total tool, he goes to Rin to ask her advice on how to deal with Mimi wearing a bra... why in the HELL is this man a teacher?! He should be asking the lady with the huge knockers this shit. She's kind of got EXPERIENCE with this kind of thing. But no. Then Rin starts trying to show him her breasts again, and he's all 'no I get it geez'. Why is she offended he isn't talking about her needing a bra? It's an excuse to expose herself.

But she agrees to 'do something' for Mimi, but in exchange wants 'a really tight hug'.

What a coincidence, that's almost the exact same face I'm
making right now. Only with 200% more facepalm.

Not that she lets a little thing like waiting for a response get in her way because she immediately launches herself at him. Then reveals they already went out and got her one, and everything's cool.

Then Daisuke goes on some whole thing about how he shouldn't be hesitating or whatever because his students are growing, mentally and physically. Then goes to walk into his homeroom, overhears them talking about having a 'baby doll'.

Oh god. I think I know where this is about to go. Or not, because he promptly walks in on all the girls in their underwear once again.

At least it was better then seeing Mimi attempting to pretend-breast-feed a baby doll or something, which is where I was pretty sure that was about to go.

I hate this show. I hate myself even more for making myself watch it. But most of all? I hate the people who thought this should ever see the light of day.