Sailor Moon Episode 05 - A Monster's Scent! Chanela Steals Love

It is that time again, when I hate myself enough to subject my poor brain to another episode of Blondie In Tokyo Screws Up. I only have 196 episodes left to go, so no time like the present, may as well try and slog through it.

If I've never mentioned just how much I hate 'episode previews', or in this case, 'episode overviews', then let me just take a couple minutes and go over that. I HATE EPISODE OVERVIEWS. I AM WATCHING THE EPISODE BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING TO UNFOLD, I DON'T NEED TO SEE THE ENTIRE THING CONDENSED IN ABOUT TWENTY SECONDS BEFORE I WATCH THE STUPID THING. IT IS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND A WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME.

If you happen to be in the business of making anything for television, take this to heart: DON'T SHOW US WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE IT HAPPENS. JUST LET IT FLOW NATURALLY.

Seriously. I'm not even five seconds into this episode and I'm already getting fired up. This is gonna be great.

At least the episode title this time is relatively short.

So this episode seems to start with Usagi either being completely terrified, or with a terrible case of constipation. Turns out, she's just having a nightmare (though who bites the sheets in their sleep? Seriously). Some evil dark force is pursuing her! But then Tuxedo Mask swoops in with roses and everything is magically awesome.

Then there's some screaming from her little brother, who I guess is absolutely terrified of cats. Oh, looks like the family is finally going to learn that there is a cat in the house! She wants to keep it, brother Shingo wants nothing to do with it. Why she was sleeping in his room, well it turns out that she's been so busy looking for this "moon princess" that she must have picked the wrong room. Way to totally drop the ball on that one kitty. Then she passes by a pet shop and gets some weird sort of idea.

Meanwhile, back in the palace of the eternally color-challenged Beryl is all "Dude, what's your plan." And he's all "I got this monster, his name is Iguana, he's got this covered."

Who names a monster Iguana?

Does he look like an Iguana? Probably not.

So why do you name it Iguana?

Because it sounds cool?

Oh, also there's some BS about them taking energy from people, which we totally haven't managed to figure out over the course of the last four episodes, or the fact that it is for her master. Seriously, Beryl employs some truly, truly dumb individuals if she has to keep reminding them every single episode what their job is supposed to be.

I mean, how hard is it to remember, "Go out, harvest energy, come back with energy?" How stupid do you have to be to forget that? Also, yes, we know it's all for your 'master', but let's face it lady, you've pretty much done jack so far. Are you out getting this energy yourself? No. You're just sitting there staring at a black crystal ball. For what purpose? Are you molding this supposedly nonexistent energy that you keep not having enough of? Does it require constant attention, that all of your time must be devoted to this singular task? If so, then somebody really got the raw end of the deal here.

But maybe I'm looking into this too deeply, I dunno.

Anyhow, back at the school, the rabbit is talking to her bestest friend in the whole wide world about how her brother has this irrational fear of cats because one bit the tip of his nose as a kid. The tip of your nose, seriously? It's not even anything serious. Having been bitten in the face by a dog we owned, I can kind of sympathize, but you'd think that you could go "yeah, that's kind of dumb". I mean, I'm not scared of dogs, and still love the heck out of them, despite having been bitten by one when I was four.

But kids are dumb or something, I dunno.

Speaking of dumb kids, that Umino guy busts in and is all "I got bit by an alligator." By which he means, he was swallowed by a purse. Why is this kid allowed to live?

Okay, so, seems like Luna is trying to get on Shingo's good side. Her brilliant idea? Leap onto his shoulder after school, lick his face, and run away. Yeah, that's a great way to get on someone's good side. But seems like little Shingo has himself a girl who thinks this is funny, and wants to help him get over his irrational fear of felines. It would seem the shop is called "pet shop perfume", and smells really nice because of the pets inside.

Warning flag number one, risen.

So, the pets in this store are called Chanela. Except that it is pronounced "Ky-nell-ah". Which sounds suspiciously like a bad translation of Chimera. Gee, I wonder if that'll mean anything.

So these furry little creepozoids emit their own perfume. Oh, they also hypnotize people into 'buying' them. Well, at least this plan seems to be working well so far, in terms of finding energy to harness. Also, these things also make you ignore stray puppies looking for affection, making them your sole object of desire. Which is pretty awesome, actually, when you think about it. From the villains' perspective anyway.

Anyway back home, the cat and the rabbit are talking about the whole 'get along with Shingo' thing, and Luna is all "meh, I don't have to be a house cat". I guess this sets Usagi off for whatever reason, saying she shouldn't be 'giving up' and that she 'needs to set a good example for me'. Whatever that's supposed to mean. This is the same cat that has forced her to fight monsters, given her magical powers, threatened her life, and physically abused her. I'm not sure how much better of an example the cat could be at this point.

Oh, Shingo's home, and he's brought a new friend. Oh, and he kicks Luna. And he's only being "mean"?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE OKAY LUNA? YOU JUST GOT KICKED BY A LITTLE BOY LIKE A FOOTBALL. WAY TO BE A ROLE MODEL FOR LITTLE GIRLS AND BY SETTING THE BAR FOR ANIMAL ABUSE DOWN TO PRACTICALLY NOTHING.

I can't believe some of the crap that got aired back in the day. Anyways, at the dinner table, Shingo is all "yeah this new pet is great, doesn't eat anything or make noise, just sits there looking cute." Instead of questioning it, the dad is all "oh, that's awesome, we don't have to spend any money on it then!"

Wait. You are seriously telling me you believe that an animal does not have to even eat to survive? What in the hell is wrong with these people?!

Anyhow, as is easily predictable by anyone with half a brain, Shingo doesn't want to even go to school the next day. He just wants to stare at the creepy glowing pet.

At school, everyone seems to have one suddenly, and they're allowed to bring them to school. Or not. Seems people can't go more than two minutes without being able to look at their Chanela. Oh, and they get violent when someone even thinks about trying to take it away from them.

Well gee, seems like Usagi might actually be attempting to use that brain for a change, and figures out that something is actually kind of seriously wrong here! And here I was thinking she was going to remain utterly oblivious for the rest of time. She vows to go visit this Pet Shop Perfume after school - but alone, because her besty has cram school (and yes, besty is now totally a word, deal with it).

Anyhow, at the pet shop of horrors, our heroine bumps into... STALKER BOY! Who's all 'gee, hope you're not gonna buy one of those things, perfume doesn't suit you.' Gee, not only is he a stalker, he's a total douche too.

It's not like he's stalking you at all. Or dressing up, throwing
at night. Yeah. Totally not doing that.

Well, turns out Luna was checking the place out too, who also got the feeling that something was not entirely right. Tragically, Usagi looks at one of the Chanela, and Luna is all "no don't look in its eyes" which totally means "look into its eyes", and she is now hypnotized. Guess she has no use for a cat anymore, threatening to kick her and all that crap.

Nice to know that these things also make you immune to children who fall down and get hurt. But Luna is forced to take drastic measures, and steals the stupid thing away! Which, interestingly enough, does not cause her to go berserk. They hurry home, worried about Shingo, and Usagi attempts to wrest control of the beast from her brother, culminating in physical abuse. But not even this is enough to dissuade him, and he runs off after shoving her to the floor.

Clearly, this is the work of the devil, so it's time to become Sailor Moon and show those pet shop owners what is up.

Speaking of the pet shop, these things are breeding like friggin' Tribbles, and the owner is telling little kids to spread the Chanelas all over. But then Sailor Moon shows up, spouting some babbling nonsense, then promising punishment. Then the owner, predictably, turns into a monster.... that kind of looks like it might have been based of an Iguana. Huh.

Some people find may find this oddly arousing.

Oh, and all the kids look the same way now, which is kind of hardcore. Y'know, it's around this time that Tuxedo Mask usually shows up, or so the rabbit says. But he isn't coming! Gee, it's almost like you want some guy to be following you around to make sure you don't get into any trouble, totally spying on you at any given moment.

Luna's got the right idea here: STOP RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. Even though she's totally relying on Luna to tell her what to do right now. STOP WITH THE CONFLICTING SIGNALS CAT, YOU KNOW SHE HAS A HARD TIME WITH BASIC ARITHMETIC.

So she uses a variation of her tiara action called "Moon Tiara Stardust", which is probably going to put everyone to sleep. Or, it could just remove any negative influences on them, that works too.

But now it's just her and the big bad lizard lady with a big chest. Whose weak point at the base of its tail is glowing. You'd think that would be a bad thing. Anyhow, monster is dusted, along with all the Chanela, and Shingo runs out calling for "Sailor V". Who is really just his imposter sister hiding behind a car, but the kid is pretty much dumber than a box of rocks, so he can't tell that she clearly has completely different hair that is entirely identical to his sister's. But then she's all "No, I'm Sailor Moon!"

Kid, you just called your sister hot. Ew.

Words alone cannot describe. I just. I don't even.

Stop. Stop. My brain hurts, and there's still a good two minutes left.

He still wants his sister's autograph, and can't understand why Sailor Moon knows his name. She claims to "know everything", and uses this as leverage to make him play nice with Luna.

Well congratulations, Luna. You are now officially part of this completely dysfunctional, neglectful family that has no right raising children or animals within it.

I think I am going to go cry in a corner now. Because this supposedly innocent show meant for little girls is clearly showing animal abuse, promoting animal cruelty, and destroying our youth as we know it.

WHY DID WE EVER THINK THIS SHOW WAS GOOD?!