Shimoneta Episode 09 - Do Androids Dream of Electric Masseurs?

Every week rolls around, and some part of me forgets about Shimoneta. I start my week with bright, wild-eyed enthusiasm as I dive into Sailor Moon, and all the wackiness that entails.

And then I pick up Shimoneta, and my soul recoils in abject horror, screaming for Cthulu to save it.

When you would rather have a lovely little chat with the King in Yellow than watch a particular anime, you have some issues.

But I have been given a task. And much as it pains me, it is my burden to carry. Let us get on with it.

Before the show has even truly started, already I find myself weeping into my drink as I steel myself for the opening entendre.

Somehow I forgot that's what this was all about.

Everyone but our main hero are all excited about this "war" thing which has some "very risky plan" that is supposed to resolve everything.

Let me get the bottle, I suspect I shall be nursing it heavily.

First, they need something.

Suddenly, I no longer want to know.

Oh god and now they're rolling the intro.

OH WHAT THE F**K. STOP DOING THIS SHIT. YOU ARE NOT A GOOD SHOW. YOU WERE NEVER A GOOD SHOW. YOU HAD A STUPID NOVELTY ELEMENT BUT THEN YOU RUINED IT BY TAKING THINGS TOO FAR. AND NOT ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.

STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU ARE A GOOD SHOW. BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY CUT YOUR SCENES LIKE YOU ARE, IT CAN NEVER FORGIVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

ALSO I GUESS TODAY'S EPISODE HAS PEOPLE LICKING THE CROTCHES OF BOXERS (NO SERIOUSLY) AND TENTACLE RAPE.

WE HAVEN'T GONE BEYOND THE F***ING INTRO AND ALREADY I WANT TO QUIT. PUNCH ME OUT. WE'RE DONE HERE. NOTHING LEFT TO SEE. HUMANITY IS FINISHED. WE HAVE ACHIEVED MAXIMUM OVERLOAD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALLOWED TO QUIT RIGHT AT THE START? F**K YOU! I MAKE THE RULES AROUND HERE. FINE. I'LL KEEP GOING. I JUST HOPE YOU ALL APPRECIATE WHAT THIS SHIT IS DOING TO ME.

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH. HOW MUCH I DO NOT WANT TO BE WATCHING THIS SHOW. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT. IN TERMS OF SHOWS I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND TO ANYONE EVEN AS A CRUEL JOKE, THIS ONE RATES JUST SHY OF KNJ. THAT IS NOT A JOKE.

After the intro, I suddenly remember why I didn't want to
watch this show anymore.

The bell rings, and once more our protagonist asks the hard-hitting questions.

I wish I had a good answer to that.

We flash back to the meeting (which is a sin in and of itself) and we find that there's a very good reason that they needed his boxers for this. See, Swiper has been swiping at their school, and there is a very scientific reason for this.

Please excuse me while I go vomit all over the bathroom.

I legitimately have no f***ing clue what you are on about.

I get the distinct impression no amount of alcohol can wash this away.

How much more of this shit must I endure??

They're going to use the pantsu as bait, and now it's time for artgirl to make more SFW porn about the student council members and their... bananas.

I may never look at porn again because of this show.

Then randomly someone shoves a popsicle into penisgirl's mouth.

I think it was art girl but I honestly have no idea anymore.

Normally I might have many questions, but anymore I just
want this to be over.

Also somehow manga girl has a bunch of... popsicles in her bag.

Not in a cooler.

In her tote bag.

I have many questions, and I suspect none of them will be addressed, so let's just move along.

Oh good, we're flashing back to the meeting again. I can see this whole episode is going to consist of jumping between the 'action' and the meeting the entire time. Which irritates me because while it can be done very well, when you jump back and forth every two minutes it gets aggravating as hell.

We find that one team will be hiding magazines because reasons.

Awfully liberal use of that timer you have there.

Given your group consists literally of four people, team names
seem quite unnecessary.

Anyways those two we saw earlier get the job, what a surprise. The other team is, of course, inside the school.

You really thought very hard about this, didn't you?

I get the feeling this is what all their production planning
meetings were like. "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!" "Fiiiiine..."

So she's gonna run around in her costume that nobody will ever recognize her in (seriously how has nobody put this together yet it's not even that difficult) and throw dirty pics around so that broseph there can deal with the panty thieves.

*shudders*

Now we're back outside where people are drawing porn and eating popsicles and pondering the truly important quandaries that life has to offer.

Ah priorities.

Anyways that one girl does the one thing and gets the whole school in an uproar oh nooooo.

I hereby refer to you for the remainder of the episode,
R Kelly.

Oh god no.

Then she shtorws pictures and everyone is all "HELLS YEAH" and people report about the thing and that this is the time to steal some briefs. Also, Goriki calls up bro and is like "DUDE WHERE ARE YOU" and he's like "doing a thing with the girl" and he's all "BRO SERIOUSLY GET OVER HERE AND HELP WITH THIS" and then he's like "OH HEY LOOK SORRY DUDE UH PANTY THIEF OR SOMETHING? UH, LATER" and hangs up like a boss.

I. I don't. Why would. Who even talks like this?

I'm not sure if I've said this about Shimoneta before, but this is basically an edgy 13-year-old trying to write the edgiest edgelord material that was ever wrung out of a bucket of Edge clearning supplies.

She goes on to say some other ridiculous bullshit and we're back at the briefs where nothing has really happened yet.

More running, and he goes to take a look, and someone comes into the room. Two someones, and uh, well. Remember that thing I told you about at the start?

Yeah well... uh... yeah.

He goes to confront these 'strangers', and who does it turn out to be?

Did you actually have to ask that question?

I mean, they didn't try to hide the VA or anything, and even if they did you'd have known ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD WOULD TRY TO LICK SOMEONE'S F***ING TROUSERS.

NOPE.JPG

She was lured by the scent and believes he is ready to 'accept her love'.

This isn't creepy at all.

Then he gets the suplex of love and she rips his pants while the hired help does absolutely nothing because it's fine when a girl does this stuff, but it's rape if you look at a girl wrong.

Beginning to suspect the creators may secretly harbor some
hatred for the female gender.

Anyways Judge Judy there is like "whatever I was told to follow her orders so I do what she says because I'm a good girl" and allows this assault to continue. I mean sexual assault, sorry, because she then sits on his face and creams all over the place.

Anna, I mean. The other girl just watches because that's what she's into I guess.

RAPE SURE IS FUNNY WHEN A GIRL IS THE ONE DOING
IT YUH-HUH.

He manages to somehow struggle out between her violent hip gyrations that the whole boxers thing was to lure out the panty thieves which she has ruined. She seems disappointed, and a little heart broken. Also, she refuses to give them back because, y'know. Reasons.

You are one of the most disgusting people in the universe.

Once more he asks the person in charge of upholding the law to UPHOLD THE LAW but it doesn't apply in this case because Anna. What a shame.

See, she's not here to uphold the law. Instead, she was given five, let's call them 'rules'. First of all, anything that could make boys look bad, or any information from an intelligence agency should be kept secret.

... uh what.

Number two is to ensure that nobody walks in on Anna any time she is not clothed. That's reasonable I guess. As is number three which is that any time she is near anything 'lewd' to never leave her side. Sure, fine. I'm expecting these to suddenly get worse.

Number four is to "protect Anna's eyes from anything lewd". Yeah, you've done a stellar job there.

But the last one? Do whatever Anna says even if it conflicts with any of that other stuff.

This seems like a good time to slam my head against the wall again. If you'll pardon me for a moment.

But conveniently said nothing about her committing lewd
acts upon anyone else.

She is the very model of a modern major sheeple dude.

Once more, our 'hero' finds that he is so utterly screwed. Maybe he should just take a long walk off a short building ledge somewhere.

But then the panty thieves show up, who are girls, and they run off with his briefs and Anna gets all mad and decides they must punish the wrongdoers for stealing her 'reward'.

Oh look, it is meeting time again.

I wouldn't be surprised entirely if this were all part of the plan.

Goddamnit.

What the f**k are you talking about?

Blah blah everyone is mad at art girl for drawing, which is what she was originally brought on for. Also the butler comes down with their latest order.

... I really don't want to know.

Oh look, it's tentacle time.

Not even joking. She pushes the button, and tentacles come out of the floor and ceiling and hold the art girl down so that R Kelly can tickle her to death with a feather.

I don't know what's more disturbing, this or the thing about
you wanting to pee in people's mouths.

More talk about how her genius plan worked.

Funny how NOBODY noticed this drawing earlier.

Oh look more innuendo. Ha ha ha so witty.

Now we fade to another scene with another feather.

Why? Because f**k you that's why.

So now they're going to do their original plan all over again. Because I'm sure it will work better this time around. Only this time they're using art girl's panties instead.

Urge. To vomit. Rising.

Then penis girl wonders why R Kelly is always all over that other dude in the group and resigns herself to her fate.

Oh good it is literally the exact same scene all over again.

People rush around over photos and some dude with boxers on his head (covering his eyes) tracks panties via smell.

Again. I'm going to vomit.

YOU ALL NEED SOME SERIOUS F***ING HELP.

Dude finds the thing and Okuma straight up suplexes the dude.

Heyoooooooo!

Meanwhile those other two are doing things outside while they replay MORE footage from earlier and then some girl is like "I WANNA DO THE THING TOO" and goes to run with R Kelly but slips on some suspicious looking liquid and oh god no please god no DO NOT DO THIS TO ME LORD PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE DO NOT.

I ASKED YOU NOT TO AND YOU DID IT ANYWAYS.

Now things are quiet and it looks as if they've rounded up a few guys but then some other perv gets up to the roof and Okuma is about to slap a bro down when those other guys show up and are like "wait why are they attacking each other?"

Okuma then tosses the dude at the others and is like "HAS PRESENT" and leaps off the roof.

That will have to be the strongest glass in the world to supp-

Oh. Well okay then.

Lapgirl is watching the whole thing and penis girl is like "hey lap girl you helped us do a thing once right?" and she's all "I'm watching some birds f**k leave bitch" and she's like "whoa don't be like that I got a thing you can help us with" and lap girl is like "bitch I'm so smart I already know what you're about so don't f**k with me".

Wearing panties on your face but doing nothing else to
disguise your appearance: hallmarks of intelligence.

Anyways Kosuri is like "no seriously though I'm a SOX member and I'd seriously like you to do me a solid".

Meanwhile Okuma brings down another bro and wonders if this is all going too well. But then the fire alarm goes off, and some mystery person walks in and trips over the body and bro attacks their crotch with his foot.

I can already see where this is going.

Did I mention the lights were off? Anyways they come back on and he realizes he just gave the single-greatest foot-to-snatch massage a human being has ever had.

I'M TELLING YOU. SHE'S A ROBOT.

Oh except she is... actually a dude.

... wait what. I don't.

No.

No no no no no.

NOOOOO NO NO.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Basically Anna's dad had him dress up as a girl so he could go basically everywhere and also to make Anna feel more comfortable or some shit? Also, still a robot.

But mostly the idea was that if dude pretended to be a girl there'd be no chance he'd 'develop lewd feelings for Anna'.

That noise you hear? The sound of a tea kettle boiling over? That low rumble in the ground? That sudden flash of light in the distance? That's me. Don't mind it. This is normal these days. It's par for the f***ing course with this f***ing goddamned piece of shit show.

Anyways now the kid is going on about how he is whatever other people want him to be and that's his whole identity, which is not having an identity.

IN OTHER WORDS A GODDAMN HUMAN ROBOT.

"Moral society" at work.

Then Anna knocks on the door asking if the changing is finished yet, and dude is like "oh yeah I came here to change because the sprinklers went off and I got wet whoops".

Anna is all "WELL GONNA COME IN NOW" and dude has to deal with a wild Anna now.

Sure is weird how much alike they look.

Then she growls and dude is like "REMOVAL OF PANTS!"

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

*sobs incoherently*

Now it is later and dude tries to tell his terrorist boss what the hell happened and she's like "man your story is shit seriously?" and he's like "I SWEAR THAT GIRL IS ACTUALLY A ROBOT BOY HUMAN."

N O P E

Also the fire department showed up so they need to stop and Kosuri shows up and they're like "the f**k are you even doing here?"

Then we go back to the meeting room and... wait what.

.....

Also Kosuri says she "squirted" on everyone by setting off the fire alarms. Also, insinuating that she too performed an R Kelly.

Art girl tells her all of this was totally pointless though, and everyone should take some time to chill out.

I'm not sure I could for a WEEK after watching this shit.

Spare me your Linkin Park lyrics.

Basically, her actions have drawn more attention to their group and made it pretty clear that the leaders are members of the school and that's not what anybody wanted so GOOD JOB PENIS HEAD R KELLY GIRL. YA DONE GOOFED.

Also, leader person tries to make it clear that their goal here isn't to really 'defeat' anyone. Mostly because that's violent.

I actually don't have anything negative to say about this.

Kosuri then thinks that maybe these folks are all just exactly the same as her dad, but frankly she's just missing the entire point again. Not that anybody actually cares.

Oh, and then a message arrives via butler.

This is the sort of thing one might attack with a pair of
cleaning gloves and tongs.

Obviously it has a message written on it.

What do you know someone managed to figure out where they
were. I can't imagine how that possibly could have happened.

Midnight. Park. Dude covered in panties.

I'd say keep your pleasantness in your pants but you're not
even wearing any.

He introduces himself and the episode ends.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH. WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS.

So, let me just try to process all of this show.

When I started, at first I was just upset. And then I was distressed. As time went on, I grew weary of the show being nothing more than just a series of dick jokes.

But now, more and more, I find myself physically sickened. Literally watching this show makes me queasy, and legitimately makes me think about throwing up with some of the shit they keep throwing in my face.

There are only three more episodes remaining. And I pray I have the fortitude to survive. Even if I do though... what am I really proving? What victory can really be born of this?

I hate this show, and everything it embodies. But most of all, I think I hate myself for ever agreeing to watch this shit in the first place.