Astarotte no Omocha Episode 09 - Backslash of Slight Fever

You know, as each of these episodes come to pass, I find myself continuing to invoke the "not as bad as Kodomo no Jikan" line, as though that were somehow supposed to give me comfort. As if the knowledge that, despite how bad a thing is, it could somehow still be worse just makes everything all that much better, even though in actuality all it does is add another layer of horror on top of everything.

Well, I mention this because today, I may have discovered something worse than KnJ. Let that sink in for a moment.

Something worse than reverse loli rape.

... assuming it ever actually makes it onto TV (there's been some delay on that, and for good reason based on everything I know about it), I may be forced to watch it. And possibly vomit all over my keyboard.

... and not actually possibly joking about that either.

With those happy thoughts, let's see just how bad Astarotte can affect the human mind hm?

So today on Astarotte? A f***ing beach episode.

Just kill me now.

... this might be the single most agonizing thing I watch all month.

*begins slamming head against brick wall*

Asuha then proceeds to attempt to kiss her half-sister on the lips. Oh good christ what. Then Naoya is all like "hey guys you should stretch" and then the girls all start stretching while Naoya realizes that everyone is in bikinis. Everyone.

Except for the sage I guess but the point is, most everyone is barely wearing anything.

Popping boners around little girls? Jesus.

Even Olaf, that old guy is getting into things by... opening a food shack.

... why is it already a minute and a half in and we have yet to see the opening play? Then Naoya is all 'I hope she has fun' and we see her getting splashed with water and then the OP plays.

I get it. Beach episodes are a recurring thing that a lot of shows feel the need to do. Along with the hot springs episode and the obligatory camping one. It's a thing that they just always do. But this show is only thirteen episodes long.

So after the intro, the dragon is dragging (see what I did there) the two girls with the biggest breasts around the water on what looks like a giant f***ing banana. The whole point here is to let us ogle their bouncy bits. Even some of the other girls are excited for them.

This is so far from okay right now...

Oh and the swordsman is doing that thing where she holds a wooden blade blindfolded to cut a watermelon in half. A living watermelon, but a watermelon nonetheless. Also, Judit eats roasted squid on a stick while her not-quite-father teaches her to swim sort of.

If I had a baseball bat I would be hitting my screen with it.

Asuha is also teaching... the great... sage... to swim.

I'm sorry. I thought she knew everything in the world? Yet she doesn't know how to swim despite being 300 years old?!?!

Then Naoya is all "hey Lotte let's go somewhere deeper, don't worry I'll be holding onto you the entire time" which causes a vomit-inducing love sparkle scene to commence.

Sweet jesus, I've seen less sparkles in a glitter kit.

But then Naoya sneezes and she gets all worried about him, but he says to ignore it, and she's like "kaaay". Then that asshole from last episode shows up suddenly with a snorkling mask, all intent to get the attention of his 'future bride'. Oh but he is displeased that Naoya is around, and goes over to harass him, but is stopped by Dora, who decides to ward him away with a crossbow. While wearing, of course, a two-piece swimsuit.

Literally everybody in this show is now wearing swimwear.

Of course after he flips Dora's little raft we discover that she can't swim. How very tragic. But now whatever-his-name is has free reign to... oh hold on.

Oh look it's the melon.

Doesn't take long before he is being chased by a crazy woman with a wooden sword that can f***ing stand on water. No big deal.

Too adorable not to share.

Back on the beach, guess who else is taking a vacation? If you guessed the Queen and her gal pal, then you are absolutely correct. So much for merely joking about everyone in the series being in skimpy beach-wear because jeebus. So then the Queen all takes her top off and is all "hey oil me up baby". Then they prepare to make out and totally do each other on the beach? Until they hear the sound of, y'know, someone being attacked by a member of the royal guard, no big deal.

Ursula seems to thinkt hey seem to be in a group, and the Queen... is aroused. She must investigate.

You just want to flash dem royal baps all over the place.

Then Ursula was sad, and the Queen ran into her daughter on their lovely day out at the beach. So they stand under a tree and talk about what they're doing here. They discuss school, and how that's going, and this thing called 'friends'. We get to learn some of their names which is great because in four episodes nobody will care since the show will be over, but it's nice of them to pretend.

Of course when she starts talking about Asuha, she paints a very clear, unabashed picture of what she's like: She randomly runs around hugging and kissing people. Then she mentions that she's kind of like a big sister and the Queen is happy, asking if she likes her. So yes, of course that is the case, which is good. Then Naoya comes looking, and she decides to head off before he shows up, and then she's off to bang her servant because that's what royalty does.

Next time the Queen wants to hear about the 'person she likes' and then she's off after giving her kid a peck on the cheek. It's time for lunch so off Lotte goes, but Naoya's face is kinda red and is he sure he's o- nope he's out. Cool story.

So back at the giant log roll...

Seriously I don't know what the hell else to call this thing.

Naoya is waking up with everyone staring down at him. That's quite the reverse harem you've got there, and everyone is all "man you're running a fever?" and he's... fidgeting in bed. Oh god. Is he... is he trying to masturbate while they're all watching him?!?! Because that's the insinuation here. EVEN HIS DAUGHTER IS STANDING THERE HOLY SHIT DUDE.

So they decide to make him some sort of weird drink, and Lotte has to pretend that she doesn't really care about how he feels. As they all leave, Judit is all like "Yo, boobs and not-so-boob, gimme a hand real fast."

It's called a stiffy. You may have experienced one at some point.

Guess who shows up in nurse uniforms? Boobs and not-so-boob that's who. They're here to... help him... get something out?

Right. Sure you can. They believe you. Perv.

Just in case you had any doubts about what this show was getting at? Oh holy god I hate when I'm right.

This show needs to die in a fire now.

Now the two girls are all trying to find some way to get into his pants for his own good, but Zelda is all like "take your damn clothes off" and he panics and does just that. Apparently being served by two hot chicks is enough to turn you on like crazy, and then Zelda is all like "damn man quit touching yourself let's just get this shit over with". Then Judit comes in and pretty much decides to rape him.

This show is refreshingly direct about this stuff,
if nothing else.

He refuses to let himself be ravaged by women, and is beaten back into a corner with nothing but a blanket to protect him. So Judit is all like "Man you haven't exploded your man-juice in awhile, and we totally can't wait for the princess to come of age, and you do care about her right? So stick dat dick in her and get this show over with."

You want me to rape the royalty? What could go wrong?

Of course she then also threatens to replace him if he doesn't want to do it, which is just great. So let's just lay it out: You want a man to rape a little girl that is not only a princess but also the half-sister of his own daughter, not to mention the same age as her, and you're going to fire him if he doesn't comply to your demands. Oh, and you also totally know that he banged the girl's mom, let's not forget that.

And yet, she seems to think this is a totally okay thing.

Down in the kitchen, all the other girls fail at cooking because none of them know how to. Oh and now they're all hungry. Then Sigurd shows up and everyone yells at him and he's like "the hell is this shit?" Cue the scene where he actually knows how to cook, and quickly whips everyone into a cooking frenzy because this man takes charge of shit.

Sigurd shows that he's somewhat concerned about his 'rival' and is even willing to help fix this issue, and then the great sage shows up and is all "you always wind up just a friend don't you?"

Scary thought: What if she wants to be friends?
With benefits? OH GOD NO THANKS.

Back in the upstairs room, Naoya is once more clothed and he thinks back on Judit and this whole f***ed up scenario, and he hears a noise outside, which happens to be Sigurd, who wants to know what Naoya plans to be to Lotte in the future. Which is a great question that someone who was watching this show for real might be interested in. Then Sigurd falls down after Dora finds her, and he goes running off out of shame.

The bad kind, clearly.

Cut to the scene where Olaf hurts his back closing up his shack, and then Lotte is all watching over him as he wakes up in the evening, and they're all 'daww' and she serves him and blah blah. She gives him some tea and soup or something, and then his kid shows up and brings in pudding dessert, which he tries and is pretty good I guess, making Lotte all blush and shit. Everyone else is all watching, and Asuha is all like "she put love into it" which is not a thing you should be saying in this case. He asks for seconds though, and then asks her to show him how to make it at some point. Then there's some buts and cue the montage of people sleeping with other people in various states of dress.

Naoya winds up with Lotte and Asuha though, and she tells him that she talked to the Queen, and he's all like "man, I screwed up your vacation" and she all leans up on him and falls asleep and shit, and he's all like "I'm a pretty happy dude."

You need to die a horrible, horrible death.

End episode.

.... this freaking show. Somehow, it just finds new and inventive ways to get even more wrong. And it will continue to.

But it's probably not the worst thing I will ever watch... and that? That does not give me comfort in the least.