I Wanna Be the Strongest! FINAL - To the World!

You know, I like looking at statistics sometimes. I think it's kind of fascinating. Specifically right now I am referring to ones related to this blog. Despite the low amount of traffic it gets, I have to say it really provides some fascinating insights.

All I can figure is that this must be getting around in certain smaller circles, because every now and again I take a peek at how people are finding their way here. I am actually amazed at how this manages to hit front page on things I never could have guessed.

Although, why people are thinking this blog is called "Moonlight Princess Punishment" I have no idea. But I think it's pretty neat that some dude (or dudette, I'm not judging) in Japan seems to keep hitting up the ol' Google for it. Good on ya.

So Christmas is just a few days away! What better way to celebrate than to get this utterly horrible waste of time out of my way? After all, I've got more important terrible shows to ruin my life with. Like Astarotte. Oh god why did I ever start watching that why...



Finally, the time has come to lay this thing to rest for good. That is until I decide to get around to a FINAL REVIEW, which reminds me I'm still needing to do one for Free!. And Strike Witches.

I'll get to it soon enough. I've been busy.

So for anyone that's decided to skip the entire show... why are you even reading this?! Go back and read the last one. It's literally the previous post. Go do that and then read this, unless you really don't care in which case... well, I gave you the chance to know what was going on.

*ahem* Right, today's episode picks up right where we left off last week. Which is with good ol' Sakura being choked to death by her best frenemy. Yes that's a word damnit. We get to see that thing where she's being choked like crazy refusing to give up, and the ref is like "yo, you okay?" and Moe screams and we get the opening. Dramaaaaaaa.

You know what the best part is? I will never have to hear this opening song ever again. Because it is incredibly forgettable. It's like they were trying too hard when they came up with it or something. Like they wanted to prove to the world 'hey we can action animoo too!' only to prove that no, no they cannot and they should stop trying because holy shit how can they even afford to eat ramen with the way they're producing this show.

Anyway once we get back they're all "oh wow she isn't moving" and the crowd is calling for her to move but then she magically wakes up when what'sherbutt is all like 'hey it's not over yet' and then she just dramatically stands up and tells physics to just straight up f**k off already, it has no place here.

Insert comments about carrying the show here.

She manages to completely slam Elena down on the mat, who turns around to slam her back down and bury her face in those tig ol' mammers, but they're just going to keep rubbing each other's lady bits in their faces until Sakura finally decides to just kick her in the face outside of the ring, and then full on body tackles her after diving off the post.

Honestly this is already way more entertaining than the entire rest of the show.

Whoa there lady I wouldn't go that far.

Up on the booth, Juri gets asked if she orchestrated this and she's all "please, do you think I'm that clever? This is all them". Then we're back to the ring and seeing Elena do all the shit she's wanted to do to her ever since the first episode of this show aired. It's almost oddly cathartic when you look at it that way. But now we're back to the screaming and reaching for the ropes and them inner monologuing about how this is all about feelings and not wanting to lose so on and so forth.

It occurs to me that, shouldn't they have had, I dunno, a rest break or something by now? They've gotta been wrestling for like, twenty minutes already. Do they even get rests in wrestling? Hell if I know, I don't even watch wrestling. All I know is that Hulk Hogan is a cool guy, and you should be able to smell what the Rock is cooking.

But back to this show, Elena is back to powerbombing  her pal into the mat, and a realization dawns on me: THESE CHARACTERS ARE ACTUALLY ANIMATED. Like holy shit, they've actually taken the time to put time and effort into this shit. It's no wonder I find it moderately entertaining, it's because instead of static image after static image, the characters are actually goddamn moving for a change.

In fact, I think this is the most animation I've seen since episode one. It's actually... decent. Passable. If you ignore the fact that everything is still close up shots of things all the time, there's little movements all over teh place. Though as soon as I say this it looks as though they've already started reusing footage from last episode. Also, they love doing close-ups of faces.

There's more wrestling, more slamming on the mat, more almost pins but not quite there, and lots of heavy panting and staring at one another. Oh and then there's the fans I guess.

Oh yeah real friggin' subtle there. Jackasses.

Here, let me just pull up an old screencap from awhile back.

They're almost carbon copies of these guys.

Whatever happened to those three ronery nerds, you might ask? Why, they've graduated to a new camera angle it seems.

Not much of a graduation, mind you....

The whole while photo girl is all "what the heck this is like a Sweet Diva show". As if this was somehow a revelation. What, is everyone surprised all that much that red there would really want to beat the ever-living hell out of the girl that continued to beat her for five years straight despite literally being her equal in every way? Come on. You could tell she was about ready to start busting kneecaps from the first episode.

We get to see more of the world champ and Juri being all amazed at this shit, and there's more heavy breathing and staring for a minute, and then Sakura goes down for her double kick thing suddenly and straight up jacks Elena's shit up, and somehow, even with a bad knee, from which her teammates declare she could never complete a flip, despite the fact that earlier she was lamenting how she couldn't make a full-powered kick what with her injured leg, she manages to not only execute the complete move...

But somehow also manages to land on top of the f***ing ring post.

Even though there is clearly no possible way this would ever actually be capable of happening.

Remember that thing where I mentioned she told physics to go to hell? Well... now she actually has.

She stands tall, turns around, leaps fifty feet into the air as Elena dramatically tries to rise up, and full on bodyslams the living shit out of Elena with her massive jugs yet again. Is this finally too much? The music goes away, the countdown goes on, and it turns out that this is the dramatically appropriate moment to end the fight, so they actually make it to three this time.

Then the announcer gets to tell us exactly that thing we just saw.

Typical sports anime, just chaining random shit together
to make it sound awesome.

Elena is now gasping for breath and Sakura manages to stand and is all like "yeaaaah" and everyone is cheering except for her best friend who is now going to quit I guess. Then someone is all "I wonder if this is really okay?" and Sakura holds out her hand and is like 'yo take it' and Elena gets all weepy and shit because she just couldn't compete.

Here come the wetworks, oh boy she's crying like a baby once again. At least this time it's public. Oh and then she acts like a spoiled friggin' brat.

Oh boy, here comes the five stages of grief...

So she straight up is like "please come back to Sweet Diva, I'm not the same without you and I can't be me unless we're competing and trying to make our idol group the best it could ever be".

... I think you pretty much just made your case for needing to quit your job kid.

Well damn you just had an awful lot of her a moment ago.

The entire arena is stunned, and Elena's supporters are all WHOA WHAT THE F**K.

Why did you even... why would... oh forget it.

The crowd starts chanting Sakura's name and are like "please come back to Sweet Diva!" and the entire crew is kinda like "whoa what the hell is this creepy shit" and then... Sweet Diva shows up. As in, the other singers. They just kinda show up, and are like "we want her to come back too!", as if they're trying to exonerate the fact that Elena literally just tried to kill her. Everyone is all 'we've been waiting for you' and 'don't give up now these fights are awesome!' and Moe is all like 'you can't quit wrestling' and everyone is pretty much confusing the hell out of Sakura. What's she to do, with all this attention?

What are her fans to do?

You act like you ever had a choice in the matter...

And then, finally, that one lady makes her appearance at the top of the stairs. You know, the strongest woman in the world? Jackal? She's all walking down the stairs and shit, and the announcer is announcing things because hey, gotta make a living, and we get the commercial break.

So Jackal steps into the ring and is all like "man, you guys put on a great show, you just totes raised the bar for women's wrestling". Oh, and then she decides to invite Sakura to come join her in Shangri-La.

I'm sorry. Seriously. That just happened. She asked her to join her. In Shangri-La. I can't quite explain why but that makes me just erupt in a giggling fit that is difficult to control.

Of course this move stuns the entire stadium and they're like "well damn, that makes her a world-class wrestler" and the other half is all like "whatevs she's done with that wrestling shit she should come and sing again", and of course now is the time that Sakura should actually say something, instead of letting the audience bitch each other out from opposite sides of the stadium.

Seriously though how the hell did they manage to orchestrate that anyways?

She goes on to say that while she'd love to advance to the world stage, she can't exactly leave her friends behind either, because hey, what's a good, high paying career with the whole world watching if you can't be with your friends? If only there was some way to get the two to play together...

... oh god damn it convenient anime timing.

Words simply cannot describe this image.

Jackal is all like "yeah you can do both, you already realized that shit also that girl you just beat the shit out of has secretly been doing that shit so you can just do it openly and we can have a happy anime ending just because". 

OBJECTION!!

She then goes on to challenge her to being 'number one in the world' by rising to the challenge of being both the greatest idol AND the greatest wrestler in the world. Then the whole arena begins chanting her name, and Elena realizes something: She is never going to be this awesome.

But at least she got to beat the shit out of the source of all her frustrations.

Oh, and then Juri is like "hey Elena you're gonna do this shit too, even though this is your first match ever but you're world class I guess".

If you like it then you put a ring on it... wait that's
not like this situation at all.

She also tries to be all "besides I lost so I have to retire" and Juri's like "eh whatever nobody actually gives a shit about that here have some more flashbacks of this match and last episode's match since we blew the budget in the first half of the episode" and the crowd is like "yeah don't stop wrestling we like to see your titties!"

And they're right back to their old lazy habits of animating as little as humanly possible.

Then Jackal shoves a microphone in her face and tells her to answer the crowd. What have they decided?

Wow, could they look like they're about to propose
to one another any harder right now? The Yuri... so strong...

They turn to deliver a rousing speech about how they could never choose between both and won't half-ass either, all delivered to an audience (and teammates) that are stiff as boards, as they declare they are going to become.... wait for it...

THE STRONGEST IN THE WORLD.

Misaki and Juri and Photo Girl are all "welp can't let them show us up anymore" and Jackal is all "Oh yeah by the way this ring is now an idol stage. GO."

Are you seriously saying.... yes. Yes she is. She's saying that, after spending half an hour of beating the ever-living hell out of one another. That they should go on. And perform a f***ing idol song.

But you know what also makes a return?

Do you want to know?

What time is it?

IT'S SEIZURE TIIIIIIIIME!!!!

After three whole episodes (maybe more I lost track), SEIZURE TIME IS FINALLY BACK. IN ALL OF ITS HORRIBLE 3D-IFIED QUALITY. OH YEAH AND THEY ARE TOTALLY GOING TO ROCK OUT TO THE ED SONG NOW.

WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO KEEP WATCHING BECAUSE THE SHOW IS STILL GOING WITH MORE SEIZURE TIME AS THE CREDITS BEGIN TO GO.

THESE ARE THE LAZIEST F***ING END CREDITS EVER.

LITERALLY. THE LAZIEST. They are re-using animation cels with a different backdrop, and interspersing that shit with slow pans across AN AUDIENCE WAVING SEIZURE-INDUCING LIGHT STICKS BACK AND FORTH WILDLY.

NO. NO NO NO NO NO THIS SHOULD BE MOTHER F***ING CRIMINAL.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!@#$

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER. SOME GIRLS ARE HIGH FIVING. ALSO, SAKURA AND ELENA ARE RUNNING TO THEIR MATCH TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ONE ANOTHER AFTER AN IDOL PERFORMANCE. AND THROWING CLOTHES AROUND IN PUBLIC JUST BECAUSE.

THE END?! THE END. EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE THEY PROMOTE A LIVE SHOW. THE "SWEET DIVA FIRST LIVE SHOW".

.... wait. Wait.

"Also if you buy all the DVDs or Blu-Rays you can get a free invitation to another event!"

I am confused. What? The Hell? First Live? April 20th? You're telling me THIS SHOW HAS AN ACTUAL LIVE EVENT ASSOCIATED WITH IT?!

What could possibly make this any worse?

.... of course.

.... I'm not sure I want to live on this Earth anymore.

*edit*

Just because I have to document the physical effects these shows have on me: By the end of this, I was physically trembling. As in, I was about ready to flip my desk or punch a monitor or just flat out break down crying because WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD DO WE ALLOW THINGS LIKE THIS TO EXIST.

F**k this show. And every other show like it out there because this shit is still getting made, and somehow this shit manages to be profitable.

Oh wait it's profitable because they spend as little as possible while whipping their animators and forcing them to put as little effort in as possible to shit out the worst product possible.

THAT'S IT I AM OUT. SEE YA. GOODBYE. WE'RE DONE HERE.