Sailor Moon R Episode 24 - A Battle of the Flames of Love! Mars vs Koan

Here we go again. Finally, the 70th episode of Sailor Moon, and the episode that proves I am well beyond the mid-point of this season finally - at 43 episodes, I'm not sure why this feels like such a shock.

Better yet though, it also means I am one step closer to that dreaded 100th episode. The true halfway mark. It's like seeing a long journey ahead of you, and realizing you've gotten so far, but you still have the hardest parts of it left.

Already, I fondly look back on villains past, and lament their passing. Nephrite? I miss you. Zoisite? Come back to me. Hell, even Beryl playing with that stupid pointless crystal ball, I would take them all back in a heartbeat if it meant I didn't have to deal with the four phantom sisters and their incredibly lame automatons.

Not to mention Rubeus. My god is he stupid or what? His evil plans all involve taking over ice cream stalls and cosmetics stores - at least the villains of the past were coming up with horrible ideas that, while incredibly contrived made some sort of goddamn sense. Like that gym that sucked people's energy.

Yes, magic is still bullshit. But at least back then the magic pretended to stand for something, even if it didn't know what it was...

I better just get this over with. Because I've been told the show is only going to get worse in later seasons.

Much. Much. Much worse.

In a refreshing change of pace (pffft that's totally bullshit) they once more tell us exactly what to expect out of this episode. Koan looking all flustered and dealing with Rubeus and probably getting her panties all in a twist, right up until the point where she gets flat out abandoned and left to die. Does this sound familiar?

So I guess Koan fails whatever idiotic task she is assigned, and blows herself up or something.

Progress!

I'm doing a good enough job of that myself thanks.

Okay so get this. Rubeus is totally chilling out in his Mystical Boudoir (oh yeah Google THAT ONE), just sort of casually chatting it up with that robed dude in the future. No big deal. Not crossing any time streams or mucking about with the timeline. They're just pal-ing around.

Oh that Prince, you know how Dimande-ing he can be,
doh ho ho-kay that was just a terrible joke.

So there's this guy named Prince Dimande I guess. Nothing to do with diamonds I'm sure. And Wiseman is all saying shit dropping plot like a boss when he leaves this little pearl of wisdom at our feet.

DUDE. HE TRAVELED. THROUGH TIME.

Already, we are off to a wonderful start. He's all "if you don't hurry, your status will be compromised". Okay, cool, but that doesn't change the fact that he just traveled through friggin' time holy shit man. You are from the future why is it you don't have more information on this shit that should change it? How far into the future are you anyways? Oh but on top of being from the future he is also supposedly some kind of prophet because he says that he foresees that "the crescent energy will appear on a sleepy afternoon".

What. The. Balls. You are from the future. And you are psychic. And yet you are still incapable of coming up with anything more specific than this shit?!

Oh my god.

Scratch that, he gets a little more specific by telling him it'll happen at the Hikawa Shrine. Okay. Cool. That just happens to be Koan's gig, so he'll go ahead and delegate that off to her pronto.

Oh, you watched the intro too? Good to know.

Then Rubeus is all "yeah whatever she's just some bitch it's cool so long as we get the rabbit".

Cue title slide.

So once more it is a lazy day in the city where Rei is out with Yuichiro who is a real bro because he's carrying a stack of shit for this girl who may or may not even care for him? I mean she takes him for granted and is all like "damn dude hurry that shit up why are you so slow I mean you only can't see where you are going because of all the boxes what is your deal anyway geez".

Typical Rei, basically.

Yeah you should be able to see through all those boxes,
what is even your deal anyway lamer.

Then Koan walks out of the store and runs into Yuichiro, and their shit goes all over and being the short-tempered hussie she is, she totally goes off on him. That's just his luck, and he gets ordered to pick that shit up pronto or else Rei will get mad. Then it clicks: She's seen this dude before. He all picks her things up and gives them back then she's like "you're a damn loser" and storms off, all while thinking to herself.

You'd know all about that now wouldn't you?

Rei yells at Yuichiro to stop looking at Koan's ass, and he's all "but baby, I could swear I know those hips which are totally lying right now" and Rei is all like "oh? Oh. Huh. Wonder what that is all about then".

Then Koan goes back home with her shopping bag, and Rubeus is all like "damn who pissed in your corn flakes" catching her totally by surprise.

... the pizza delivery guy?

She takes this all the wrong way (as intended) and he's like "baby, I need you.... to go to the Hikawa Shrine to catch a rabbit." At which point she's all like "score! This will totally be easier than all those other easy times I completely failed, I will catch her or die trying!"

Bold words, and totally not foreshadowing jack shit. Just saying.

So he tells her not to f**k this up and he all walks off but she's like "oh hey I got you some cologne" then is all "I love you". To which he just kind of 'accidentally' crushes that shit in his hands and literally goes 'whoops, guess I grabbed it too tight, oh well, good luck with that shit I told you to do for me, I'm out to bang some hottie'.

Well, I imagine he would be. I mean, what the hell else is he gonna do, right? Stare at a crystal projector all day? I mean seriously.

Koan is all sad face and zooming in on the broken bottle and then it's time to go to the shrine with a parasol all looking around. She gets there early, and since her target hasn't shown up yet, she decides to have a little self-reflection time, to puzzle some things out.

Yeah... as if.

Totally just her imagination, but then Yuichiro shows up and is like "yo what can I do ya for?" and makes her generally, well, uncomfortable.

Don't feel bad he makes everyone feel that way.

She gets her fortune done anyway, even though she knows he's a totally pathetic loser, and her fortune is Great Luck. Congratulations! Everything is going to go your way. You will be lucky in love so on and so forth.

So excited by this is Koan that she immediately strives to make herself even more beautiful for a guy who appreciates her less than Mamoru cares for Usagi. Booyah.

Yeah turns out I'm actually gay and ignoring your choice
sisters. Don't mind my spying on you.

Rubeus chastises her for wasting time doing nothing, and if she's got time to putz about just waiting for the girl to appear, she clearly isn't doing enough. He then goes the extra mile and says "if you see any girls that look like her, do me a solid and just off them too? Thanks. Also, I'll need those TPS reports by friday.... mmkay?"

He leaves her with "Koan, my love" and she's like "hell yes dude said love that means he wants to put it in me". She immediately turns around to see Rei chasing Yuichiro with a broom and is like "man, those losers don't know what love even is."

Also I'm fairly sure one does not call a 'loving relationship' one where your 'man' chills with your sisters all day and totally breaks the shit you give him just because he can. Simply suggesting that maybe you should probably check yourself.

Elsewhere, some other girls are... doing other things.

Casually narrating the scene you're in: Acceptable practice.

Mina is all like "yo Luna what is up with Usagi" and she's all like "she went to give some comics back to Rei and hasn't come back yet" as if it is some kind of surprise. The real surprise here is that she's bothering to return something to someone else. Even more surprising is that you are choosing to hang around Mako instead of your normal master. Because it's not like she's suddenly become competent or anything, what if she forgets to breathe and you're not around to beat her in the chest to remind her?

And of course Ami is at cram school and Artemis is all like "lol we got jack shit to be doing" and she gets mad at this for some reason.

Oh, and of course, Usagi, instead of returning comics, is instead sitting around reading them at Rei's place, telling her to look at that shit as if she hadn't already read the things she owned.

This would be perfect for IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZOR.

Then Usagi reveals why she's here: She can't read comics at her place because... Luna and Chibi-usa are there.

I'm sorry what? How does that even...? What?

Then Koan comes calling, in the guise of a cosmetics saleswoman. And boy has she got a deal for you. Why just this fabulous day for two very pretty looking girls who are clearly some sort of model for something, she has some truly revolutionary new products to offer them. Mmmyeeees.

Of course as soon as she calls them beautiful they flip out and totally trust the shit out of this stranger who randomly visits shrines to sell shit. Because hey, nothing wrong with that.

So what does she have to offer?

... you know, you already used this ploy once. Against
the same people even!

Rei isn't sure if she has a 'boyfriend' and of course Usagi is running solo these days, so they are totally the target market right? Of course it all leads back to how she dumped him and how she doesn't get what love is and how love is all about trust and shit. Koan is all eating this shit up though as if it's some kind of revelation that shakes her to the core.

Admittedly, she is looking sort of pretty.

Of course Rei then goes on to say that, no matter how coldly he treats you it is important to never stop believing in him. Which is some of the WORST ADVICE POSSIBLE. Especially for girls watching this show who, quite frankly, really don't understand this shit yet.

All I'm saying is that this sets some really bad examples, and once again opens the door to to asking girls to simply accept an abusive relationship. Because the more you let them abuse you, the more likely they are to accept your love for them.

Of course I am. Wait no I'm not I was being sarcastic
you idiotic twit.

Then Koan decides to put in her two cents. What matters most... is being loved.

Wait, what?

Holy... wait what? Are you... are you giving good advice?

Is this happening?

Like, is this an actual thing that is actually happening to me right now?

Nevermind she just contradicted herself in the same breath.

But hold on. She goes on to say that you should never continue to love someone who treats you coldly. Holy. F***ing. Balls. HELLO LITTLE MISS HYPOCRITE. But she goes on to say Usagi should completely forget about this guy.

And then my mind exploded because the freaking villain of the show just gave THE BEST ADVICE THIS SHOW HAS **EVER GIVEN**.

It's just a goddamn shame that she is, of course, the villain, and that her advice is, by default, to be completely ignored by the target audience because she is, in fact, an evil, murderous wench.

Shit like this brings a tear to my eyes.

But the real waterworks begin when she's all "oh but if you really want to keep him you should just remain completely f***ing fabulous looking like me, men go apeshit for hot bitches like me".

*sighs* And you made a legitimate point too...

It's at this point Koan realizes she's supposed to be doing something more important than this. Then Rei is all "uh, I don't think I need your products" and so Koan decides to go full-on creeper by asking if there are any 'little girls' around.

Usagi, that is exactly how I feel right now.

After being told there's no such girls like that here, she thanks them for their time and walks off, while Usagi, strangely enough, somehow manages to be the best goddamn thing about this show right now. When the hell did that happen?

Who are you, and where is my Usagi?

Koan has confirmed that the girl isn't here yet, but will  be showing up at some point so she's going to just kind of hang around waiting for little girls to murder like a good homicidal maniac. Commercial break!

Usagi finally decides to leave and says bye to Yuichiro, when she notices Chibi-usa running up the stairs and she's all "hey don't read comics all day that's bad for you" and pinky there just straight up calls her on her own bullshit, and skips off to do just that. Then the bus goes past and Usagi misses it, and Koan drops out of the sky to generally be an evil bitch that molests little kids in front of shrines. The kid screams and both Yuichiro and Rei hear it, and immediately run off to be generally decent human beings.

Fortunately, Yuichiro manages to bean her in the head with something before she has a chance to, I dunno, snap her neck? Stab her in the chest? I'm not exactly sure what Koan was planning here, pinning a child to the ground like this.

She gets super offended not just because he just hit her in the head though. She gets mad because he hit her with a broom. Something that is dirty and yucky and completely not beautiful.

There's too many jokes about hitting heads that
I'll just let you use your imagination.

Now she's all flipping out and throws Dark Fire at him, somehow managing to both completely miss him and also still immobilize him because now Rei has to throw a rock so he has time to get up and move away. Oh anime physics. She just straight up fires at them again though, and Rei goes tumbling to the ground but Yuichiro comes in for the sacrificial save, and Koan starts flipping out, wondering why he's bothering to protect her when clearly, she is a heartless witch to him.

Gee, that's nothing at all like your 'relationship' with Rubeus, am I right?

Then he does the "this is the only way I can show my love" and Koan is all "she doesn't even care about you!" and he's like "doesn't matter... I'm such a badass this way" and passes out. Obviously, this shocks Koan and pisses off Rei so much that she cannot forgive her opponent, and so she gets a full transformation sequence, revealing that she is, in fact, a sailor warrior. Oh, also, there's a Burning Mandala coming at her. Whoops.

But that's cool, because now Koan can deal with two things at once, and the battle begins. Fire versus fire, and Koan is actually pretty badass in this instance. Flying around, teleporting, and even straight up attacking unconscious people. She takes the time to say Mars could've avoided getting hurt if she'd just let him burn, and then takes the chance to try to mock her for having 'feelings', because 'loving' a person is 'important'. You may notice I'm using lots of quotation marks here. It's because I'm paraphrasing.

Then Mars realizes who she's dealing with, and Koan decides to drive her point home.

So that means you should be a complete and utter dick.
Not that you weren't being exactly that anyways, but y'know.

Sailor Mars tries to stand up, and Koan is all like "pfft, your love is nothing like my love" and Mars rebuts by saying that Koan is really just a narcissistic brat who doesn't think about the feelings of another person. Koan immediately goes into denial, and of course we can expect her to not realize the hypocrisy in her own words, even if she did actually have some legitimate points.

But Rei makes her question what she's saying, and Koan just gets pissed off and decides to go for the goal. But then Tuxedo Asshole shows up to stop her, all preachy and shit.

Give it a second, this will be even more hilarious.

After his rousing little speech, he just straight up jumps down right in front of her, picks up Chibi-usa, says "Good bye" and just walks off like a boss.

Like a f***ing boss.

Just as soon as she comes to her senses and asks him to wait, there's some more burning rings coming her way and oh, I guess she's still got that opponent to deal with. Whoops. She gets hurt and Mars is all like "rar" and Rubeus shows up to ask how she's doing. She apologizes for letting her get away and he's all like, "Oh, I see. That's a damn shame. Well, it was nice knowing ya. Later." She begs him to wait though, she's just in the middle of a battle with a Sailor Warrior, if he just waits and lets her finish Mars off, he can totally forgive her, right?

But nope, he's like "please, you've got jack diddly." So she asks him to help, and he gets all pissy about it. As in "seriously, you are like the most worthless minion ever". This hurts, obviously, since she's all like "but I've loved you all this time and you loved me too, right?"

Oh. Well. Glad you cleared that one up!

Dramatic music and cymbals crashing. He then promises a gift to her. It's a dark ball of energy. He tells her to use it to get rid of the warrior, and that it is totes a better gift than any of that worthless shit she ever handed him. Also, he describes it as 'the first and last give you will ever get from me'.

He then vanishes, and Koan tells us what this is: A space-time bomb. He pretty much just straight up asked her to kill herself. Y'know, like she promised she would.

Cue Haddaway.

Uhh... pretty sure that's the point.

But Koan is all "nevermind, you win, I was wrong, goodbye". Then Venus shows up and chains that shit away, and Jupiter blasts it to hell in the sky, thereby saving two lives. Oh, and the other two scouts are there too even though one of them was at cram school.

Then Koan switches to being all weepy. Woe is her, for she has nowhere left to turn, and it's all their fault. She throws herself at the scouts and completely wigs out because she has completely lost everything. She has nothing left to live for, and the one thing she had left, the sacrificial death attack, they also stole. This hits Mars pretty hard though. So hard that... well, she decides to get hit.

No stop hitting the bad guy she is making me feel
bad about myself.

None of this shit makes sense to anyone except Mars, who tells her that this shit isn't over yet, because she still has herself. So even if she has nothing else, now that she knows she was wrong, she can fix it. Little by little. She can begin a new future now.

.... holy shit. Mars then asks Sailor Moon to please turn her into a normal woman, so that she can begin a new life.

... and suddenly, seventy episodes in, I have a completely new respect for this show. I get it. But Sailor Moon is all "well I wish I could but..."

Then Luna utters the smartest and stupidest thing she possibly could:

Oh hell not that again.

Yeah, remember that thing which completely altered history? That reversed death like three times over? Yeah, it's not as powerful as it used to be but hey, you should totally be able to use it to turn her into a normal woman, according to Artemis. So no big deal. It's not like some little girl wanted to kill you for it.

No bigs.

She agrees to try though, and for the first time this entire season, she uses it to Refresh Koan, and now we get to watch Yuichiro clean the house while Rei nurses her sprained ankle or whatever. Then Koan comes a-calling - she's a cosmetics saleswoman. This time, for reals. This time she's not quite so much a bitch though, and the episode ends on a happy note. The end.

... okay. I'm torn on a lot of things here. Either I'm really starting to lose it, or this is by far the best episode of Sailor Moon I have ever seen. Because everything here just seemed goddamn right. Aside from the usual wackiness, obviously. The artwork was actually really well done. There were no atrocious color schemes, and the characters felt... well, really well thought out for a change. Not only that, but they managed to portray a rather good character arc in a very short span of time, and Koan's sudden reversal didn't feel cheap or unwarranted.

... if anything this actually felt satisfying.

What is this warm feeling stirring in my chest? Could it be I am finally warming up to Sailor Moon? Or is that merely indigestion from too much birthday cupcake?

I think I'll sleep on it. But I gotta say, if all of Sailor Moon could be like this one episode... I would be a far happier person as a result.