Diabolik Lovers Episode 11 - World of Darkness You Ain't

Things just have a way of getting in my way lately. Having finally overcome the illness that plagued me, I'm trying to get back into the normal swing of things - which is pretty hard when I've gotten so accustomed to not sitting down to watch things I utterly despise.

I think that you will agree that it is not an entirely bad thing to not sit and watch things which make you wish to strangle the nearest human being. But since this is the Internet and we do things that make little sense...

I bring to you once again, and almost for the last time... Diabolik Lovers.

As if the plot of this show wasn't hard enough to keep track of on a week by week basis, considering I haven't actually sat down to watch it for almost a month makes me all the more appreciative of the fact that I actually stopped watching this piece of shit. Seriously, the intro is giving me the shakes.

It hasn't even started and already, I can't wait for it to just be over with already.

When the show opens, it is night at the mansion. How predictable. There's even a happy little cloud... for some reason.

Seriously look at that cloud just hanging out like it's no thing.

Also there is a blodo red full moon. Oh and I guess what's her butt is still possessed. So square glasses comes over and he's all "oh, hey, I hear Uncle had someone over but I never would have imagined that it would be the girl who has been living in our house for months that is totally possessed by that one chick we killed back in the day. Funny that, right?"

Is this his serious face? I can't tell.

They show us the stupid title clock and she's all "man, you are just a stiff ass like you were back in the day, kinda like your dad" and he's all offended by the fact that she used his dad's name.

Much like how you keep clever insults like a sieve.

So she's all "man, why you gotta be like that? I just wanna stay young. Also, the thing I hate most? Boredom." Okay, first of all, you already DIED. I know, this is a concept pretty goddamn foreign to vampires, but when you get burned to death, you're supposed to stay actually dead not inhabit somebody else's body. Also, since when does a heart contain a vampire's entire being?

Anyhow, I guess boredom is the worst thing an immortal being can feel. Reiji is all "yeah, you got a point, boredom isn't very you. Death though? Yeah that's you." She then invites him to sit so that they can talk.. face-to-face?

YOU ARE ALREADY TALKING FACE TO FACE. HOW IS THREE FEET GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE HERE, HE IS LITERALLY STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU. THAT IS WHAT TALKING FACE TO FACE MEANS.

Like seriously he is just out of frame here.

After standing there silent for a moment she's all "man, you're so like Beatrix who is a person who was never mentioned before and never will be but I guess that'll make you mad but hey, she liked your brother better anyways lol".

At which point he's all "man no wonder you managed to get my family to rip themselves apart".

Uh... you remember that bit about being a vampire, right?

There's more incredibly thrilling talk and she gets up to talk to him even more face-to-face and is all "man your eyes are like Karl's so let me tell you why I came back to life."

Her reason: because she really hates Karl and wants to murder him. Since that's the most flattering thing in the world. They kiss and she's all "maybe this will shut you up" and then they make out which has got to be awkward, and she's all "hey you're kind of interesting, but what about the uncle?" and she's all "pfft he doesn't give two shits."

Given the mounting evidence one might suggest he is not
attracted to women period. Just saying.

So she gives him the slowest slap in the world for this, and more staring happens and then Laito, or that guy who looks like Yosuke, shows up.

I guess he hasn't realized that he's already in hell.

But turns out that he and his brother are happy because they get to kill her all over again. She's all "hey, why don't you sing for me like you used to?" and Subaru shows up to get all pissy all of a sudden, and tells everyone to go away.

But then Richter talks about how he couldn't protect his mom and they suddenly get into a brief tussle resulting in Richter just looking like a boss and going "lol can't touch me". Because I guess that's what they need to do? And now everyone in teh house is suddenly here as Shu reveals he was just lounging on a nearby couch. Just because.

Hey they're your family lady.

She then proclaims that her family is the reason she feels that they are all keeping her from being awesome, and orders Richter to kill them all with Subaru's knife. According to the exposition train, a knife stab through the heart will instantly disintegrate them. Awesome! Why haven't we done this before?

Anyway she goes on to say that if he kills them all, he will be the next head of the family, somehow ignoring the fact that, by virtue of being the oldest, he kind of already is? And if you kill the entire family, won't that make such a title meaningless?

Though, he thinks this is strange, since wasn't that kind of the thing she was supposed to give him before? Y'know, for making sure she was able to come back to life again? That was kind of the deal right?

As long as what he desires is actually a thing you want.

But then he is all "meh, you're useless, don't need you but your heart is a thing I need, I'll just wake the other girl up and make her mine and take control of the family again that way."

... hold on what now? I'm sorry I am even more confused what is going on?

PLOT TWIIIIII oh f**k it already.

Then he grabs her and is about to bite her neck but main guy shows up and is all "hey that's my girl" and Richter  pulls a sword and tears his shirt which makes him made. So Ayato gets a sword and they're all gonna have a sword fight over a chick neither one of them actually likes.

Wow this is super exciting I wonder if I have any new
email hmm... oh sorry keep fighting I'm paying attention, really.

Doesn't take long for Richter to wind up being the guy who wins of course because I guess having a lifetime of experience just makes sense.

Oh no how tragic this would really hurt if I weren't already dead.

Then he falls to one knee and just as he is about to have his head chopped off she wakes up and starts crying and... I guess Richter just lets her run off. Okay. Then she holds the knife in front of her on the stairs and looks as though she will stab herself to keep anyone else from getting hurt and... stabs herself in teh chest. Awesome.

Of course she doesn't even stab her own heart so...
I guess this whole thing is pointless.

But Richter gets mad about how the heart is all his and Ayato all stabs him with a backwards strike through what might be the heart. Like a boss. Because he is the mainbro of this show and suddenly vampires are susceptible to things like normal sword wounds. Despite being immortal?

Also didn't she stab herself on the stairs?

Blood goes flying and he falls to the ground and Ayato is all "hey wake up already" and she wakes up but it's that evil chick who is all "man what a dope, she shouldn't have tried to kill herself I mean I'll just take over anyways" and then passes out again. EVILNESS. BLOOD RED MOON. END OF EPISODE.

Oh, turns out she stabbed herself on the middle landing of the stairs, so these scenes were just confusing because they never bothered to establish the area in general but whatever. Fact of the matter is, NOBODY HAS ACTUALLY DIED YET WHAT THE HELL.

This is officially the lamest vampire show EVER. Vampires are all about KILLING PEOPLE. And yet the only person to have died came back anyways so WHAT THE HELL.

God I'm glad there's only one more of these...