Diabolik Lovers Episode FINAL - Insert Title Here

With the completion of Sailor Moon R, I just had to wrap this one up as well. Because so long as I'm finishing things, I may as well finish them right off.

Plus it'll give me the opportunity to write up my final thoughts on this show as a lovely little bonus at some point. I've got a lot of material to try and cover, and unfortunately I don't have a whole lot of material sitting around, so things will likely just be Sailor Moon all day every day, until I find something else horrible enough to fill in the gaps.

(This is where you get to suggest things, hint hint, and if it's bad enough I'll do it.)

So, let's end this show, eh?

Today, they're opening with something that isn't their normal intro. I'll give you a hint though: They establish something you've only seen about a thousand times so far.

Oh look another blood red moon. I'm sure that's important!

Oh and that one girl still has a knife in her chest and everyone stands around pretending to give a shit.

Try not to look like you care so much. Also, isn't bait the wrong
word for you to use here? I mean, she's more like food, right?

These reactions are as wonderful as you might expect.

God I sure hope so.

Eventually, they decide they probably ought to pull the knife out, but figure Subaru is the best one for the job... for some reason. Insert title clock and now Richter is walking around all bloodied and shit in the sewers. Why? Heck if I know. What I really wanna know is why does the size of the moon keep changing?

Seriously there is no reason for it to be that small suddenly.

Furthermore, DUDE HAD A SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST. WHY DID ANYBODY LET HIM STAND UP AND WALK THAT SHIT OFF? Also, YOU ARE A VAMPIRE YOU CAN'T DIE THAT EASILY I MEAN CRAP, YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME YOU CAN BLEED TO DEATH? WHAT VAMPIRE EVER BLED TO DEATH?!

I guess he's not in the sewers since there's some spiral staircase or whatever but now it is time for some riveting medical drama while stupid girl lies on the couch and everyone watches her and pretends they actually give a shit if she dies for some reason.

I'm sure Google gets asked this question all the time.

Meanwhile the smart bro is all playing with his chemistry set and looking through books, and then it is still night time and Subaru looks up at the moon and at his bloody knife and, I dunno, gets mad and cuts some roses. Just because.

Oh, and that Richter guy has now suddenly sprung a massive leak.

How you managed to get blood smears on the column,
I don't even know. That side wasn't even bleeding! Also,
random entry gate what? I AM SO CONFUSE.

That image confuses me so much, I'm going to dedicate a few more minutes to identifying every single thing that is wrong with it. First of all: Why is that gate open? He clearly didn't need to get off that floor, as evidenced by the complete lack of blood over there. So the open gate is totally meaningless, except to establish that it is a gate. But why does this even matter to us? We don't give a f**k, it's just set dressing for no purpose.

Next of all, there's really no reason there should be any blood on the center column at all. You were stabbed on the left, and you've been going UP the stairs, not down them. At least I hope you have? Because the camera seemed to indicate you would need to go up. Which leads into the next point, again about the gate: if this was the floor you got ONTO the stairs, why is there blood leading both up AND down the stairs? That would make sense for the gate I suppose... but why is there even a gate on a spiral staircase in the FIRST PLACE?! You're only making things even more inconvenient than possible.

Also, if you are bleeding so heavily, why is there no blood on the railing? You know, that thing you would expect might have blood on it since it appears you are gushing Heinz 57 all over? Also, the blood seriously looks like ketchup. It has way too much consistency here.

Speaking of consistency...

Oh look, more blood smears that make no sense.

The blood smears begin up at the very top, but don't match height consistently whatsoever. Why is he smearing blood on the walls anyway? I mean, it has GOT to be pretty intentional, otherwise it would just be a single streak as he leaned against the wall for support... support which would make more sense if he, I dunno, used his other hand instead of his blood-soaked carcass. Since you kind of need that one hand to hold the wound closed, like you were doing earlier?

I know it's a lot to ask, but you're a short show, the least you could do is try to have a little consistency here, all you're doing is confusing the f**k out of your audience here.

And speaking of confusing your audience...

Can anybody explain why this dress just spontaneously
bleeds all the time? Bonus points if you can explain why
this dress also didn't somehow burn with the body.

So Ricky Suave reaches out for... something? The rose I guess? Why does that even matter? But who cares, because that asshole with the hat shows up to be all "oh so this is where the dress was, awesome."

You just summarized my thoughts on this entire show.

But back to blondie waking up on the couch, sort of. I dunno she just kinda cries out and oh look, she's still got blood in her chest. Then they tell us that it looks as though the Awakening has started. At which point, the child is all "there's no precedent for a human woman to wake up with the power of a vampire, right?"

... I'm sorry what?

No, seriously. What?

I am now incredibly f***ing confused. You are telling me that the only thing you ACTUALLY have in common with vampires is that you drink blood? That you are somehow your own freaking race?

But wait. You guys have been saying this entire f***ing show that this 'awakening' thing is coming. And now you are telling me not a SINGLE PERSON HAS ANY CLUE WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS?!?!?

F**k this show man. Seriously.

So how do you even know what it is?!

I am so. F***ing. Confused right now.

Oh but that dickhead Ayato is all "oh it's different since this time she has a vampire's heart". Which makes me honestly wonder why that makes any sort of difference, because clearly she is nothing like you guys, but whatever.

So I guess it's time to jump back to those other two dicks talking.

I hope you'll explain THIS part at least.

He asks if Richter's plan was to usurp Karl's place once he had his hands on the 'power of the sacrificial bride'. Which is a thing that still makes no sense... what is the purpose of the bride here? It sure as hell isn't to become a vampire because you just explained that's not a thing that happens. You also clearly don't use them to actually MARRY anyone because, uh, that's a thing you've kind of established via the whole 'awakening' thing? So really what power are they supposed to have, normally? You'll probably neglect to actually explain this as well.

What does anyone hope to ever achieve in this show?

Dude refuses to spill the beans, but then goes "the truth isn't as simple as you think" and neglects to realize that this is the last episode of their show, so... time to cut back to those other dudes who listen as that one dork is all "I have a thing that will kill that woman once and for all."

I have a thing too it's called CUTTING OFF HER HEAD. Seriously why do any of you people even care about this girl? I mean you've already pretty clearly stated she is probably going to die anyways so what is really the point?

Well this 'cure' which, according to some other guy is 'incomplete' (and how would he know anyways), is some kind of weird purple liquid.

Oh, burning everyone alive in a fire? That'd make it
pretty complete for me.

Oh, how convenient. The only thing he needs is "a piece of that woman". How convenient. Though, again, how did anybody know this thing was incomplete? For that matter, why would you walk up saying "I have a cure" only to reveal that you don't actually have said cure? And for that matter, you now know that SHE HAS SOME OTHER PERSON'S HEART IN HER SO CLEARLY THERE IS YOUR 'PIECE OF HER' THAT YOU REQUIRE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR YOU TO GET A BIT OF THAT AND LET HER BODY JUST STITCH ITSELF BACK UP?

FOR THAT MATTER WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES EVEN CARE?!

Oh, but don't worry. Creepy kid is all "oh I've got something", rips the head off his bear, and pulls out a vial he's been safeguarding... for whatever reason.

Okay seriously, he keeps finding new ways to be creepy.

This kid man.

WHY DID YOU NEED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

Whatever it is, it gets mixed up in the bottle and voila. It is now some kind of blue color instead.

Elsewhere in the house, those other two people are talking and the kid is all "not gonna let you control us again" and he's all "hah like this is my TRUE FORM" except that he falls to one knee and the jerk holds up an evil looking lantern.

Oh no whatever significance could this green flame have.

So he throws the lantern and... oh you have gotta be f***ing with me.

Their blood is f***ing flammable?!?!

He doesn't throw it at the guy bleeding all over the place. No, he throws it at the pool of blood beside him. WHICH IS AS FLAMMABLE AS F***ING KEROSENE. WHAT THE ACTUAL GODDAMN HELL IS THIS SHIT?!

He then leaves the room to burn in green flame, totally forgetting the fact that this is INSIDE THE HOUSE THEY LIVE IN. I'm sure it'll just burn itself out.

Oh and meanwhile, there's that thing where the only way to administer this 'cure' is by a kiss.

This show is such bullshit. Just pour it down her throat.
Use an eyedropper. YOU HAVE THIS SHIT.

But she swallows the cure anyways and then Ayato leans in again to call for her, and she opens her eyes and is all "oh it's you, and I'm not dead. F**k." Everyone else is there too and they're all happy and shit for some goddamn reason, and everything is sunshine and roses except THIS SHOW IS STILL NOT OVER YET.

But she's thirsty and... then the credits roll?

... wait I'm sorry, you f***ing end this shit on "I'm thirsty"? NO. NO. THERE IS TOO MUCH TIME LEFT. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS ENDS. And it isn't, because...

This asshole.

What is this shit. His face gets closer. He wants me to look at him with some kind of face. Oh god, now they're doing it with that asshole with the hat. They are just saying things from the show.

WAIT. THEY ARE PRESENTING THIS LIKE SOME KIND OF BULLSHIT VISUAL NOVEL.

Nothing could prepare me for this.

This just gets weirder though as he's all "are you prepared to give up everything to become a vampire like us?" Except you just said less than ten minutes ago that doesn't work? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. Now that asshole with the tea is all "you suck blah blah I'm a dick".

WHAT IS THIS EVEN. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? Seriously, it's so VN it hurts. Because it's bad VN. THIS IS A TV SHOW PEOPLE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THIS?!

I get the feeling some people think this show was hot shit. I seriously hope those people look back on this and realize how stupid they were sometime later.

Eventually, they cycle through all the characters and we get to see it is normal night for the first time in forever.

But really they just recolored the moon.

And now Yui is sitting on a balcony looking at flowers and then Ayato shows up and is all "here's your rosary". She smiles and thanks him for giving it back to her, and she smiles some more, and drops the rose which falls apart in the wind and... I guess they lock up the ghost of that one bitch again. And... now they play the intro.

Wait, what? You roll the opening to the show after the show is over?!

What. The. F**k???

I'm not going insane here, they actually decided to roll the CREDIT SEQUENCE before their opening sequence. WHAT.

JUST. WHAT.

WHAT.

And this is how they finally end it all.

... why would you... how could you... who would...

This show leaves me with so many questions, I don't even know where to begin.

I can definitely tell you that I'm pretty sure Twilight is way better than this show ever was though. It doesn't know what it is, ever, and when it ends, it does so without actually explaining anything.

Oh I am gonna have a field day when I finally manage to write up the final review for this one...