Sailor Moon S Episode 08 - The Labyrinth of Water! Ami the Targeted

It would appear that the ending of Master of Martial Hearts about damn near killed me. I didn't feel the energy to do anything for days, and worst of all, it gave me insomnia for a few days.

At least that's the excuse I'm going with. It all started after I watched that show so clearly that must be the cause of my troubles.

Fortunately however, I've got a whole new lineup of shows to go through, so we'll see. And given that the new season of anime is finally upon us... well, maybe I will do a thing where I discuss some of those shows. But briefly. Very briefly.

Also, last related note: Sailor Moon Crystal has finally started, and it is a billion times percent better. That's a whole lotta zeroes, and a topic for some other time... But for today, you get the classic stuff! Classic-ish? Screw it roll the footage Tom!

According to today's episode over view, something is wrong with Ami, and she gets attacked by a bald swimmer.

... well, on that high note, let's go ahead and cut right to the chase then? ROLL THAT BEAUTIFUL INTRO FOOTAGE.

Picture the school, where Ami is talking to some fat teacher about how she left a book in the A/V room. What's up with that? She better get her shit together. Also, I guess she's been 'taking care' of 'delinquent students' lately?

... I think I need an adult.

Oh clearly he must be talking about her friends. Y'know. The ones that are keeping her from studying and getting in her way and dragging her down. Dude is literally "if they get to be too much for you to handle, you can talk to me about it."

... okay first of all that's just kind of creepy and second of all that is some cold-ass shit. Oh and who is this fat ass mind you? Nobody special, just the Vice Principle. Think of them as like the Assistant Principle. They're basically the guy who actually does stuff around the school? Kind of like how things tend to work around here.

Anyways, even Ami thinks this is, well, slightly questionable to say, and calls him out on his shit.

Truly your wit knows no boundaries. Either that or you're
just really shitty at coming up with jokes.

So he runs off and Usagi just happens to overhear this thing, which depresses the hell out of her. Then Naru drags her off because someone promised someone else pizza for copying their homework and uh, well, bitch it is time to pay up. You don't mess with the redheads.

As she gets dragged away, Ami is all depressed thinking about how she should be focusing only on her academics (which is almost a stereotypically Japanese thing to say even if it is slightly flawed reasoning) and we get the title slide. Hang on, is this a decent story to be told in MY Sailor Moon? I smell something fishy.

Things move along, with Mamoru stumbles across Ami in a park somewhere, who is currently suffering from a startling realization that she lacks depth as a character.

Uh... hm... hold on, wait, I know this one. Uh... the color blue?
And bubbles? Yeah that sounds about right. Blue and bubbles.

For the first time in what is literally forever, we start to actually kind of learn things about Ami again. I'm sure they got covered at least once before, but I suppose they are pretending to hint that maybe character growth is a thing that should happen to someone other than the villains who are about to die. In Ami's case, she decided early on that she wanted to be a doctor, because her mom was one. Now, however, she's starting to question if this is actually a thing she even wants to do.

Almost as if you were a literal two-dimensional character who
only acts according to the whims of the plot.

Of course, they wind up tying this all together by making Ami slightly jealous of Usagi, who "has dreams that make her shine so bright I can't compare".

... aside from the whole living with Mamoru for the rest of her life thing, I cannot think of a single dream that girl has had which doesn't involve food, so I'm calling bullshit on that one. You can't just try to ham-handedly tell us that your main character is awesome, when you've spent your entire show telling us how useless she is. I mean for crying out loud, she can't even fight on her own anymore, she literally has to flail around crying until someone comes to save her useless ass, and then she does a spinny thing and yay the monster is defeated go you.

Sorry. What dreams does Usagi supposedly have, aside from the baby-making?

Dude, even her boyfriend admits she's kind of a flake.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around this. I get what they want to say, but what they are actually saying defies the reality that they live in. Certainly, our titular character has a lot of dreams, but she lacks the drive to pursue any of them with any kind of seriousness for more than a single episode. So... what exactly makes her seem better than Ami? It's not her depth of character, that's for sure - neither one of them is really even all that fleshed out to begin with, and any actual character progression? Yeah, that doesn't happen despite all of the shit they go through.

One would be inclined to believe that they all just keep missing the point.

Also, Mamoru is a dick for hitting on his girlfriend's friend.

This is NOT the appropriate thing to say here...

Even if he follows it up with "I wouldn't mind getting a shot or two", that's still somewhat inappropriate. Okay sure, he just really hates getting shots, which is understandable but good lord. Did you really need to say that she's 'cute'? You guys even look like you're flirting with one another at this point.

But hey, who cares, she feels better about going off to study group, though she's off to the pool first. For uh... some reason. Not sure why. I guess because Sailor Mercury is related to water or something? As Mamoru watches her run off, he once again makes me question his character.

Or "I hate it when you leave but I love to watch you go."

Oh hey look, it's Kaorinite. And wouldn't you know it, she just happens to be targeting that super smart girl who surely must have a pure heart, right? One with a talisman in it?

... yeah I'm pretty sure the answer is 'nope'.

So, the pool. Because everybody wanted to see Ami splash around in the pool by herself, because swimming is awesome. Free! this show ain't.

Add some speed lines and drop the beat, then we'll talk.

Turns out Ami isn't alone though. Michiru is also here, because she loves to swim. Which is a thing they established early on, so I'm not even gonna get huffy about that, but uh... you totally couldn't notice the one other person in the pool with you? Seems that Michiru thinks that Ami swims super nice though. I just hope she doesn't plan on starting some kind of half-assed rivalry with the other girl. Or that she's been to a swim school in Australia.

Why am I still talking about this?!

Anyways, the art takes a sudden drop and some awkward dialogue occurs.

Like I said. Awkward.

Suddenly she's all "Let's have a race" and off-screen Haruka is all "READY, SET!" and again: WHEN THE HELL DID THEY GET THERE. AMI CLEARLY ESTABLISHED LIKE, NOT EVEN A MINUTE EARLIER SHE WAS ALONE. THAT IS WHAT "IT'S LIKE THE POOL IS RESERVED FOR ME" MEANS. IT MEANS, HEY, THERE IS LITERALLY NOT ANOTHER SOUL AROUND.

But suddenly, super intense boring swimming action. I guess Ami is an okay swimmer or something.

... I'm not going to compare this to Free! I'm not going to compare this to Free! I'm not going to compare this to Free! I'm not-

God damn it.

So the girls tie and Michiru climbs out to ask why Ami slowed down. I guess it's because she just didn't feel like winning? So she runs off and Haruka is all "lol you bitch." To be fair, Michiru did kind of come off strong, all sort of mad about her opponent slowing down and all just to make her feel better. I mean, who does that girl think she is anyways? The smartest kid in Japan or something?

Wait.

But blah blah just wanted to race at full strength, such misunderstandings, and now Ami feels like crap. Guess it's time for that study session, which has been going on without her. Soon as she shows up, all of the girls pile on her to explain all this shit they don't understand, except Usagi. Who shoves them all away and tells them "hey, studying is a thing you're supposed to do on your own power!"

Saying something intelligent? Yeah, end of the world I know.

The others think something must clearly be wrong with Usagi. Ami says it's okay, but her pal sticks to her guns, declaring that she won't let anybody get in Ami's way. After all she's got to study to be a doctor and stuff right?

Eh, misguided, but her heart is in the right place. Even though she's probably doing more damage than good at this point. She tells her pal that hey, it's okay, you just need to study, and that's it. Which only serves to reinforce that hey, Ami has no character whatsoever. She's just that girl who studies all the time.

... so when does she snap and start stabbing people in the throat exactly?

Either she forgot her character motivation or her stabbing shiv.

Ami turns and walks out, and Usagi notices that she's trying not to cry as she leaves, and probably feels like shit, so runs off to find out what she screwed up this time. Which leaves her friends going "wait so she's not all about studying today? Dafuq."

Now we have the requisite "getting tired of shit" on the bridge, and Haruka is all "yo, my girlfriend wants to race you again, so hop on my bike and let's roll."

Did we not just go through something very similar last episode? You know that thing with Makoto? Oh we're doing it again, except this time with Ami? Ah. So we're going to get two more episodes like this? Awesome. I love watching the exact same plot repeated four times in a row. Especially when they pass it off as something totally not the same as last time.

But Ami is all "eff your bike Imma walk" and the cats happen to be walking around arguing when they notice that, well. Ami is not only NOT at her study session, but she's being followed by a bike calmly cruising at like, two miles an hour.

So the cats decide to check that out, and we get our EVIL GENIUS STOCK FOOTAGE. Go find a heart thing we have no time for our own stock footage today it seems. EVIL LAUGH THOUGH. ALSO COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Are you guys ready for some EPIC SWIM RACING? Well if you are then I hope you're ready to be disappointed.

Don't take this out of context.

So they have the "I'm here to swim" and "Awesome I want to compete against you" conversation while the cats are freaking out by someone desperately trying to escape their character archetype by doing something unusual for them. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Wait no, no it is not. Why are you guys flipping out over this seriously, just give the girl some room to breathe okay? Seriously.

God damn you KyoAni. God damn you.

So it's time for another wonderfully animated swim race sequence, this time with extra speed lines, but no amazing dubstep soundtrack. In fact, they're using a smooth sax solo, which cuts out halfway through as this race gets amazingly real. By which I mean to say, time slows down, the color fades away, and Ami starts wondering if she can actually win this. Also, why was her opponent smiling? I dunno maybe she's having fun. Maybe she just wants to swim Free.

... GOD DAMN IT WHY DO I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THAT SHOW AUGH.

Asking myself the same question here.

Ami comes to the realization that, she wants to give this her all because she doesn't want to run away. Okay. It ends in a tie anyways, with both girls totally exhausted, and I'm just going to call bullshit here because you were totally "holy crap she is fast" like, thirty minutes ago, and now you're on totally equal footing? What the hell Michiru, did you off-screen training montage or some shit?

 But all of this was Michiru trying to make the point that giving your all in a competition is fun and friendship is awesome and they should totally race again sometime and SPARKLES AND SHIT. Welp, I guess Ami is alone now so it's time for the EVIL POSSESSION OF THE POOL thing.

Yes, it possesses the pool itself. But is this the most surprising part?

No. Not even. Not. Even. Close.

ARE YOU EVEN TRYING AT THIS POINT?!

I will note however, that this is the first monster that had to re-introduce themselves because they were completely unintelligible the first time. She calls herself Dovlin. Y'know because it sounds like Dolphin.

... f***ing somebody shoot me now.

By the way. Not only does she have a snorkle, but she's also got a scuba tank. This is too much. This is just too much for one person. There is everything wrong with this. Everything. EVERYTHING IS WRONG HERE.

Blah blah she's gonna take her heart and uses the pool to slam poor Ami against the glass, before ripping her cap off and doing that thing where she steals a heart.

... so does this technically constitute as stripping? Also, she is actually a pool, right? So... that means we're basically dealing with a stripping Olympic swimming pool? Just wanted to point that out.

IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZOOOOOOR

Oh but disaster, a Daimon has shown up! Guess Usagi better do the transformy thing and save her pal.

Predictably, she shows up, gives a stupid speech where... her mouth doesn't move for some odd reason, until she cries out "Sailor Moon!" etc etc. Wow, they are really getting lazy already. Don't worry about lip-syncing, nobody pays attention to that shit anyways.

And this is the original version, mind you. Not the dub. This is the original Japanese not even giving two shits about lip syncing. That's bad.

But then Kaorinite is all "yo just grab the heart already" and Sailor Moon gets trapped by a life ring, and Ami loses her heart. Sad music time!

I'll admit this is kind of dramatic though, because this does seem like the worst case scenario, since she has no backup this time. Ami is somehow barely conscious still, despite the whole heart having been ripped out of her thing, and Usagi begs for the enemies to return her heart - after all, Ami has to become a really awesome doctor, right?

Now, if I were a smart enemy (and thank god I'm not), I would make note of this. And then probably take a look and go "oh hey, look, she hangs out with someone else that we targeted and gee isn't this a coincidence" and then blow up the shrine or something. Sadly, this is not a show where our villains think much beyond the next couple of minutes due to have goldfish-like brains, so you can just totally ignore all of that stuff I just said.

Kaorinite gets frustrated because hey, this isn't what she was looking for, and is about to smash it on the ground when a rose darts out of nowhere to stop her. Tuxedo Mask is kind of mad, and Kaorinite slips away.

Also, he throws the monster into the pool, which can't swim.

You are literally a pool.

Cats tear the thing, she crawls out of the pool, Sailor Moon gets freed and does a thing. Whoopdie doodles. You had about ten seconds of dramatic tension before immediately resolving it because who wants character development or high-stakes fighting? Certainly not this show.

So now they give Ami her heart back, and those other two scouts just kind of stand around going "eh, I guess it sucks she didn't have a talisman, but oh well." Then Ami is all "I was depressed but now I'm better!"

Please tell me you didn't forget her real name while she
was transformed. Please tell me this is not a thing.

So today's lesson is that you need to put your heart into a thing. Also, you shouldn't try to steal your best friend's boyfriend because she will totally stab you in the face over it.

To be fair, he did kind of start this.

No, seriously, she will stab you in the oh for the love of-

OKAY WHAT THE HELL GUYS.

I mean it she will... probably just cry about it a lot.

Awkward boner moment.

The spend the rest of the episode going "I won't lose!" and "No! No! No! He's mine! No!" until Ami says "oh hey we can't do this forever let's go study" while the cats do what they do best: Watch.

... f***ing cats man.

Holy crap. Just. Holy crap. So things we've learned: It doesn't matter if someone is already in a committed relationship with another person, or if one of those people is your best friend. It also doesn't matter if you already know they are going to be married in the future. Because you can still totally try to take that man for yourself, with zero repercussions, especially if you are supposedly the smartest girl in all of Tokyo.

What the hell, Sailor Moon. What. The. Hell.