Free! Eternal Summer Episode 01 - Stormy Dive-Dash!

... so remember that time I said I would never have to watch another episode of this again? Yeah, me too.

I believe I may have also prayed to more than a few pagan gods in the hopes that this would never see the light of day. (Note to self: Forsake aforementioned pagan gods.)

Yeah, I kind of regret saying those things now because here I am watching this goddamn beautiful show with some of the worst character writing in the history of anime.

SO HELP ME GOD IF SOMEONE DOESN'T SHOVE THEIR TONGUE DOWN SOMEONE ELSE'S MOUTH BY THE END OF THIS I WILL BE SORELY DISAPPOINTED.

So does anybody remember last year? When they opened with Haru monologuing about how the water is alive and all that jazz? Well, they've decided to recycle the dialogue, but at least they've given us all new pretty colors to look at this time around.

And just like that I am already feeling uncomfortable.

Just as a reminder: He talks about how the water will bare its fangs and attack you the instant you turn your back. Which leads into the next line, which is just... well, it's a thing. I guess.

I think he's making a statement about himself.

And then he tries to drown himself as he realizes they've greenlit a second season of this show and HEY LETS SEGUE INTO A NEW INTRO FULL OF ALL THE THINGS YOU HATED ABOUT LAST SEASON. Which is basically every character in the show doing things. And some other faces we don't recognize but WHO CARES WATER AND HALF-NAKED BOYS SWIMMING TO UPBEAT MUSIC.

... to be fair it is actually a pretty decent soundtrack. But it's still impossible for me to take this show seriously.

I'll give them credit for redesigning the logo again though.

So yeah. We now get dropped right into the episode where Makoto is busy fumbling around looking like he's forgotten something. Oh and it seems to suddenly be winter because he's wearing a thick coat and has a scarf on the bed. So glad this show is about swimming. In fact, this is looking a hell of a lot like the way the first episode of last season began. Hold on a second...

Mako leaves his house and says hi to an old lady...

Encounters a stray cat that seems friendly...

...and casually breaks into his pal's place when he refuses
to answer the door. Like every other time.

Only in Japan would this be deemed an acceptable thing. If the dude wanted you coming into his house in the morning don't you think he'd have just given you a key? I mean, that sounds reasonable to me.

... and seems incredibly disappointed that his pal isn't naked.

And of course because we just couldn't get enough of it last season...

Haru wearing nothing but swimming trunks and an apron.

Congratulations, we are pretty much tit for tat with this show. It is also spring, as Mako mentions that it has been winter for some time and Haru hasn't been able to go out and do that swimming thing much because of being cold out. But now it is time to deviate from the formula and introduce the next couple. Because I guess they're still a thing for some reason.

Stop being such a nag Rei geez.

Suddenly the gang is all together again and they're back at that other school with those other dicks for a swim thing. What is this thing? Why glad you asked, it's time for the exposition train to roll into the station.

Basically, everybody challenges the captain to a swim-off and they go until someone beats the captain of the team, or they all drown in the pool from exhaustion. Sounds like an incredibly wise decision to me!

Welcome to Rin 2.0, now with 100% less shark teeth.

So yeah, remember that whole thing last season where they made him out to be some kind of hard-ass swimmer who rebelled against the system and raged against the machine and was too cool for everybody? Yeah he got dropped off a cliff and was replaced with someone totally different. Shit look at this mother f***er, everything about him is softer. His chin is rounder, almost all of his sharp angles have been dulled, and hell even his voice sounds more reasonable. In fact I get the sneaking suspicion they got a totally different VA for this brand new character who is not actually a dick and likes to smile for some reason.

... it's kind of creepy.

Shut up with your stupid science you stupid nerd.

Five seconds later the captain walks over and is like "LET'S RACE!" and they're all kinda "uh okay."

And five seconds after that Haru is stripping. They're not even subtle with this shit. He just straight up rips that shit off his bod.

This man seriously hates clothes with a passion.

His friends have an incredibly diverse range of reactions to this.

Nagi likes it when people strip in public.

Turns out, Rei is probably the only one who didn't bring a change of swimming attire, but that's okay. At least according to the captain.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Five seconds later, he's changed into what I can only assume is one of Nitori's spare outfits. You remember Nitori, right? Annoying silver-haired bitch? Yeah he's back too, with all of like two lines of dialogue. Progress!

Admit it. This is why you watch this show. You filthy pervs.

And so they do a race thing. Do you enjoy watching people swim around? I hope you do because there is swimming happening. Oh but of course the dream team gets to go last - some hot Haru on Rin action. Oh yeah, and remember how Rei can't swim for a damn? Well he still can't and refuses to do anything other than the butterfly. In short: Not a f***ing thing has changed.

Except for their caps.

Ha ha very clever you f***ing assholes.

But just in case you thought they were going to spend the rest of this episode doing nothing but swimming YOU WERE WRONG because they just wanted to spend the first half of the show introducing quite literally every character in the goddamn show at once.

Also, I can't help but admire just how gifable this show is. Also, gifable is now a word. But not giffing. Because that's just gross you sick bastards.

Seriously this is way more entertaining than it has any
right to be.

Anyway this whole thing is a glorified 'graduation ceremony' because the captain is, well, graduating. What with being a 'third-year'. Basically seniors. So he's leaving the club and someone else will be captain and also a bunch of new folks will be showing up in April so they'd best get their shit in order.

Also, more man ass. Also, Rin is now the captain. Because reasons.

Totally not as creepy as it sounds. Promise.
(That's a lie sorry not sorry.)

Suddenly a film club thing where they use the stupid bird mascot thing Haru made as a giant monster thing in their movie. (It is the greatest thing Haru has ever seen in his life. No really.) Also something about a recruitment drive I guess for trying to get people to join their club. Oh okay I see it's a club recruitment drive. What's their gimmick, you might ask?

... it's having Nagi rush on-stage and strip for the school.

I believe this is the only appropriate response to this.

But not just Nagi. Oh no, they've gotta get Haru in on this too.

Honestly my favorite is the girl dead-center. She is
now my favorite NPC.

Oh and I guess Rei shows up to unleash the beast too.

I expect this to become a 4koma thing I swear.

Last up is, of course, Mako, but at this point the audience can no longer cream themselves.

Seriously, let's give this girl a name. I'll call her Plum.

It should come to nobody's surprise that not a single person was recruited as a result of this glorious display of skin.

So they come up with some terrible ideas which are universally panned (except for the one that involves Gou ogling boys in their skivvies some more), and they are left with the issue of not having anyone to support them. Time to go look over at that other school where that one dude has a flashback to the Captain making someone else a captain. He doesn't seem too excited by that, and blah blah lots of new members okay we get it god the other school is just soooooo amazing.

Then we cut back to that other school where they beg the lady who was blackmailed into being their club advisor to open up the pool early this year. Presumably because Haru looks so depressed. Instead of accepting their request, she passes the buck over to that other guy who barely did anything last season. Who I guess has quit his job delivering pizzas to open up another swim school that will inevitably be closed within three years.

Why was the first one closed again, exactly? Who cares, this is anime! Where nothing needs to follow any sort of logic.

Oh but some dude shows up at said place which I guess doesn't open until next month but yet the friggin' front door is open anyways. Said mysterious dude sees a photo and examines it for reasons.

PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT

I guess the guy knew that this used to be a swim club, and dude is like "oh yeah, it was, then it got closed when it went bankrupt, but halfway through the demolition the company that bought the place also went bankrupt so now I own the place."

... I think you just seriously screwed yourself dude.

Not that anybody is listening because by the time he finishes his story he realizes mysterious dude just up and left.

So they push to have the school's pool opened anyways because they want to show new members their own pool first (okay), and they get to cleaning it out even if they can't fill it with water. Also they need new members so they ask their old coach for tips and he's all "if you build it they will come."

Eh close enough.

Coach has also decided that he's opened the club early and will let the boys use the pool, presumably not because he likes to watch young men swim around wearing very little, but likely because he is hoping to get a little something something from a hot teacher.

Or maybe both, I mean this dude does seem like kind of a creep.

Second later Haru is almost naked and jumping into a pool, Nagi is clinging to an older man's back, and Gou is... well, Gou.

Seriously she sparkles more than Edward f***ing Cullen.

Enter the Mysterious Figure again. But then over to that other school where all those other guys show up out of nowhere to talk to this new captain.

Nagi with shark teeth may in fact be the most terrifying
thing that I will see all year. True story.

... also, shit like this happens.

I take it back. THIS is the most terrifying thing.

Blah blah boring swim talk blah blah oh look boys in the locker room.

You do know you can just... call one another right?

So Haru and Rin go out for a little walk and Rin is talking about how they're competing against one another and he can totes go easy on Haru since he hasn't been able to practice and blah blah shark teeth for three seconds but whatever because some kids run by and nothing matters anymore.

But then he changes his mind again anyways.

WE GET IT YOU LIKE HIM GEEZ JUST MAKE OUT
ALREADY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

It's time for another race, and then some people swim. Swim swim water stuff swimming panting heavily underwater. It's just as well animated as usual, but it feels kind of... well, samey. Kind of like maybe it's been done before? I mean there's only so many ways you can show the same thing before you begin to repeat yourself.

So epic swim battle neck and neck blah blah oh look they happen to get the exact same times. What an amazingly boring turn of events. They high five and Rin is all "how you like that fire in your face?" and Haru is all "meh".

Afterwards some meaningless talk occurs and Haru asks Rin to come by his school later for reasons. Cut to the school later for reasons where it would appear Rin is being stood up. But he gets kidnapped and dragged to a place with a giant bird-mask-thing stuck on his head while his sister cries for him to be freed, and then we see what is quite possibly the most homoerotic thing ever.

This would be pretty romantic if everyone weren't so
goddamned heterosexual.

Haru dragged Rin here because he remembers the dude once said he totally wanted to swim in a pool filled with cherry blossoms and being the caring individual he is decided to make his dream come true.

... but I'm too distracted by the fact that someone made a crappy mascot head that you can wear.

Seriously why is this thing so popular?!

Rin quite literally chokes back tears, and Gou crosses the line of acceptability.

OKAY SERIOUSLY THAT IS JUST F***ED UP GIRL.

She even pulls out a goddamn camera to commemorate everything, but then it suddenly rains on the parade. Out of nowhere. So they decide this means they can't swim. So now is a good time to talk about what to do after graduation. Rin still plans on shooting fro the Olympics, but what about everyone else? Eh, no plans I guess.

So they sit there in the rain and now it is later when the rain has stopped. And they have to clean the pool of all the cherry blossoms so they go to do that. Haru stares at a bird, boring class time stuff happens at that other school, and SUDDENLY A TRANSFER STUDENT.

His name is Sousuke and he will totally be unimportant.

Rin remembers this guy though and we fade into the new ending. Which... is just... simply... bizarre. Just... just... bizarre.

Just... what is even?

CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

It's your typical ending with random shit that makes no sense whatsoever. They dress up as secret angetns with guns at one point, kids with balloons... more Haru as a mermaid... WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN WATCHING.

NO SERIOUS. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

Smiling faces full of friendship blah blah starry skies who cares. Why is Rin a cop. Why is Nagi an astronaut. Why is Mako a firefighter. Why is anything anything? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW?!?!

I regret my decision to watch this show immediately and submit myself to the mercy of the court. I plead insanity. PLEASE LOCK ME AWAY BEFORE I BECOME A DANGER TO SOCIETY.