Moonlight Punishment: Free! Episode FINAL

It's over.

Finally, it's really, truly over. This is the last episode. There's no trolling here, this is the actual, honest to god last one of these I'm going to have to watch. Because the show is ending. For good. Forever. Never to see the light of day ever again.

I'm going to have to give this show an evaluation, sure. But y'know what? I'm going to do that on my own time. I won't use it as precious filler to delay the inevitability of needing to consume terribleness and share it with the world, no. It'll be a bonus, for when I finally decide to get around and... wash the taste of this show out of my mouth.

Yeah. I went there. Now shut up and just read how this train wreck of a show finally ends.

The year is 20XX, and war is beginning. By which I mean, there's a bunch of scraggly little brats looking up at a leafless tree somewhere in Japan. Y'know. That same f***ing scene they've show us in almost EVERY GOD DAMNED EPISODE SO FAR. But hey. It's the last episode. So fine. I'll let it slide.

That's what she said.

It's Rin's last day and he wanted to see the tree bloom before he headed off. How sad. He's not a dick for some reason right now, despite clearly having been a dick pretty much all the time. Then they look at all the stupid things they wrote on the bricks. You know what Rin wrote? "For the team." Oh, in English. So that NOBODY ELSE CAN F***ING READ IT. Because that's just how awesome he is.

No, really, Nagi asks him what it says because Rin is the only one that can read English. Little Haru is shocked by this.

"Wow, I thought you were a self-centered egotistical
little shit who cared nothing for others!"

Haru's, on the other hand, is right beside Rin's. It says, "Free".

Fast forward to today, where the new team is standing right in front of that tree that didn't bloom, and they're all like "oh my god is that the tree from when we were kids?" and they kind of laugh and the intro plays and just please god let this be over soon before I decide to strangle someone with an ethernet cable because these characters are JUST SO MOTHER F***ING IDIOTIC AND I WANT THEM ALL TO BURN IN HELL FOR SOMEHOW REMEMBERING TO BREATHE.

Slow, deep breaths, you can do this.

NO. NO. JUST.

MUST. RESIST.

So they're at the pool and totally not using euphemisms for something totally different. They promise. Haru starts looking around, but Mako is all "Hey, Rin's not here yet but he will be," prompting Gou to ask Rei if something happened with her brother.

Nothing big, he just called me up in the middle of the night.
To talk. Y'know. Like real, manly men do.

Then Gou's friend shows up with the teacher saying they got seats and everything is now suddenly hunky dory. Woo hoo. Yay. Yippy f***ing skippy. The tension is beginning to mount, they have to worry about just swimming, who cares if they make it to Nationals or not.

Then Rin is just sitting on the bus for no reason, listening to that insipid little platinum-haired moron spout about how he'll totally have another shot at the nationals and he doesn't need to worry about the relays and whatever, Rin is too busy being the angry red-haired child who runs off for no really explainable reason.

Next up is the opening ceremonies.

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT HER GODDAMNED HAIR?!

Rin looks pretty miserable the entire time, and he sees a photo of his original swim team in his duffel bag, which really pisses him off for some reason. Cut to the part where folks are lining up to swim, because hey, that's what this show is about, right? Watching dudes swimming in pools?

So Gou is all "BRO YOU CAN DO IT", but he's all like, not doing it since he launched late or something, and he is completely in last place. Nobody knows what's going on, and he's literally coming in last because he almost drowned himself. Oh, then he can't even get out of the pool, and Haru and the rest of the bros go running off because WHOA SOMETHING IS CLEARLY WRONG DUDES.

There's a hallway, and that one dude is pestering him all over again.

Dude looked half dead coming out of the pool.
Were you... did you eat paint chips as a child?

It's all good, he just had a bad day, right? He'll get another chance an-

Emotions? What?

After twelve long, grueling episodes, he finally decides to get fed up with the most annoying character in this entire show. Instead of hitting him in the face, however, she settles for slamming his fist against the window or something, scaring the living piss out of his little buddy there, and drawing the attention of the other team.

Rin then proceeds to throw a hissy fit, not giving two shits if he gets thrown off the team or disqualified from the tournament by trashing the place because he is no good for anything, which is why he was taken off the relay team. Y'know, because the thing a team needs most is a guy who only thinks about himself.

After drop-kicking a trash can (which actually happens to have a LOT of stuff in it amazingly enough), his friend there is starting to look as though he might actually be reconsidering his choice of pals to hang out with.

Rin quits swimming. Again. Because he can't be the best. What a surprise. Little buddy turns around and notices the rival swim team there, and he's all like, 'oh, I hope you didn't see that but you probably saw the entire thing', and goes running after Rin.

So Gou and her friend notice taht Rin was removed from the relay, and Haru is all bothered by the whole Rin quitting swimming thing again. So much that he just sits down and gets all teary and shit because he'll never get to swim with Rin again. How sad. So Rei decides now is the time to make everything magically better.

Oh god this is about to get real awkward isn't it.
Oh god it's about to get awkward.

He lays out his big secret: last night, he and Rin went out to talk and Rin told him all about the whole quitting swimming thing back in the day. It wasn't because of Haru, it's because he topped out and couldn't move forward during his training, and that's what shattered his massive, planet-sized penis ego. But after coming back to Japan, he put it all behind him, after racing Haru, and he totally wanted to give it another shot. That's why he said he'd take part in the relay for his school.

Spoilers: It probably involves Haru's ass.

What he really wanted more than anything was to swim with his bestest pals again. That's the truth. So Haru wants to know: How does Rei know all of this?

KILL IT WITH FIRE. DO IT NOW. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

Y'know, I had this feeling that the show would actually level off, and be... I dunno. Tolerable. In its final episode. They've been doing fairly okay for the most part, but now we've just hit rock bottom. There is no hope whatsoever. Consider this the final nail in the coffin. Because this guy? THIS GUY. He just proclaimed to have become the very person he was supposed to be replacing. Which is probably THE WORST THING EVER. HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT A COLOSSAL F**KWAD THIS ASSLICKER HAS BEEN? HAVE YOU?!

He wants to swim in a relay with the best teammates possible, which is all Haru is supposed to want, which proves emotional and inspiring to a guy with the emotional diversity of a sea sponge.

Yeah. A sea sponge. Like, you could show this guy a video of, I dunno, puppies in a box in the rain and he'd probably get all teary eyed, I dunno. He's a real pussy when he decides to actually try feeling anything. So this is really not a surprise at all.

So now, he wants to swim with Rin. Oh who really f***ing cares. But now is the time for them to have to do something, to quit Rin from not wanting to swim ever again. Because they clearly care about a guy who has been nothing but an incredibly abusive, neglectful, and downright spiteful antagonist ever since he came home. Because once upon a time he wasn't quite so big a dickhead? It's up to the team to save Rin. But how can they do it?

Why, there's only one possible solution, Rei proclaims. Haru gets it. But is Rei really okay with it?

Oh sweet christ that is a rapeface if I ever saw it.

It's almost time for the relay swimmers to get in place, and the entire team is out looking for Rin like it's the most important thing in the goddamned world. They even have dramatic music playing in the background. Time is running out, but then Haru gets an idea, and magically finds Rin staring up at the sky. He turns to look at his old friend, then displays the only two emotions he knows: utter terror, and then pure contempt. In that order.

Obviously, Haru is here to laugh at him, along with the rest of the world. Right? But then he gets frustrated because nobody's laughing, and wants to know what Haru could know about how he feels.

Is this what they call gay sex these days?

Oh god.

I think I'm gonna hurl.

Then Rin grabs him, and gets super angry, and Haru is all "I found my answer!" but Rin doesn't care. He's just angry. He goes to punch the f**k out of Haru, but he grabs Rin's arm in defense, and they go tumbling to the ground, with Rin on top. Come on, you knew that was going to happen ever since episode one. You knew it. They start rolling around, and somehow manage to come across the message that Haru scrawled in the ground beneath that big ol' tree from the start of the episode.

There's a joke about taking one for the team, but
I'm just not sure how to fit it in...

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

Now everything gets all peaceful, and suddenly Rin starts to cry because... f**k if I know.

Because you're a volatile, reckless jackass who only
cares for himself?

Aww, all he wants to do is swim with his old buddies. How f***ing tragically sad. But it's too late. But wait, no it isn't! He can swim with them now! The other three finally show up, and Rei is gonna give up his place or some shit, and then they do that thing which happens in EVERY SINGLE YAOI ANIME AND MANGA EVER. CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND SLOW MOTION CLOSEUPS AND F***ING ALL.

It's called my penis. You may have been lusting for it.

But seriously. These guys are all so totally straight.

Straight as a curly straw.

Oh yeah, remember that thing where this show is about swimming? It's time for the swimming.

But where is the team? Will they be disqualified? Nope, they made it in time for the check-in. They get all checked in and get ready to do this thing. Then they start doing this thing. Cue the super dramatic hyper tension super electronic beats while Mako goes to some acid-induced trip state where he is just alone in an endless body of water surrounded only by clear skies and a brilliant sun shining down upon him.

Then Nagi goes in to do his thing, and he too experiences this most euphoric state of being, complete with DOLPHINS, KILLER WHALES, AND GODDAMNED SHARKS.

I'm going to cry. I am literally going to cry now. You just
know he's been wanting to say that for the last 11 eps.

Rei is next, but it's not Rei, it's Rin! Surprising everyone. Except us because we knew that was gonna happen. So Rin is off like a goddamned rocket, showing off the pure talent of the animation crew at work here. No hyperbole or sarcasm here, this is literally some absolutely gorgeous animation work. It's just a shame because... god. I want this kind of animation in other shows, damn it.

Of course, Rei has to step in and be super critical of everything.

Those expressions.

Yeah. You know this show is over now.

Because he's clearly been replaced, duh.

Rei promises to explain later, but who cares? Everyone is cheering for Rin, even his opponents. Guess who gets his trippy swim trip thing now? Rin. He swims towards the light.

And now, we come up to Haru, who is already in the air before Rin even slaps the wall. He's off, and in the zone. That place where it's just him and water and nothing else but the sparkles and bubbles surrounding him. Oh, and the voices of all his friends sounding like they don't want him to drown. Then there's more swimming, and screaming, and everyone getting all excited and shit, and the competition is over!

Then Nagi starts crying and they all made first place. Oh, and then this thing happens.

Oh god this isn't awkward at all.

Cue the giant group hug filled with everyone crying. Or at least Nagi and Rin crying because they're both such goddamned GIRLS.

Shame they're probably going to be disqualified despite doing so well. Then Rei watches on, pleased that he could see something so beautiful.

Called it.

Blah blah they're forced to apologize, but their teacher says that kids do stupid crazy things, and they explain themselves by saying that, even if they're on different teams, they're all on the same team. Oh, and then Rin has to apologize to his captain, and fully expects to be kicked off the team. Then he apologizes to his little buddy for yelling at him. Y'know, like, the entire time they've ever been together.

The captain has a good way for Rin to atone, of course.

Instead of half assing everything.

Rin is touched by this, and the captain is all "welp time to go home". Then Rin is all, "hey, uh... practice with me tomorrow." Okay.

You said it sister.

They talk about how they're totally going to be back for next year's meet, and we are left with the fading image of the message scrawled in the dirt. BUT WAIT, IT ISN'T OVER YET. Because Haru has to tell you about how the water... is alive.

Remember the very first thing we ever saw in this show?

Yeah. This thing.

With all of the exact same creepy visuals. ENDING TIME. Oh wait, they're animating through the new song. Because I guess they decided they needed an epilogue. DAMNIT.

So Goro goes back to delivering pizzas, the boys all go swimming and have showers together, Gou totally stumbles across a magazine with Miss Ama's picture on it and there's some montages of lots of boring things going on. Then Rin transfers back into their school, with the same speech he gave when he was like, eight.

THAT'S WHAT THE OTHER FOUR GUYS SAID.

Turns out his pals are criticizing his intro, and truth is he's not actually transferring, they're just doing joint training and they are only goofing around. Then there's more talk that is boring, then some running across the school grounds, and Rin declares he is following his own dream. But what about Haru?

He's.... CUE THE PAN UP TO THE SKY AND WE WILL NEVER ANSWER THAT QUESTION. QUICK, END THE SHOW WITH A PHOTO.