Strike Witches Episode 09 - Defend At All Costs

So I finally got to see Pacific Rim.

I'm not sure I need to say anything else. Considering anyone should know that I'm going to say it was f***ing awesome oh sweet god yes give me more. I mean, seriously. Wow.

I could say some pretty similar things about this show. Except replace 'awesome' with 'horrible' and everything after with the word god with 'why'. But other than that? Spot on.

Where did we leave this show? Oh, right, it was trying to develop a plot. Which means they open the episode right where they left off: with Minna holding a gun at Mio. Oh, and then... she asks Mio to never wear a Striker again? Wait, what?

Are.... are you hitting on your commanding officer?
Like, for real??

So Minna is all freaking out because somehow she knows that the next time Mio goes into a fight... something. What, is she going to die? So your answer is... to kill her before she dies? That is literally the absolute worst reasoning I've ever heard. Though, Mio just walks away, saying she totally plans on flying anyways, and Minna just sits there until the OP begins to roll.

Remember all that dramatic tension they spent a whole week developing? Welcome to it being completely deconstructed in the span of about thirty f***ings seconds.

Welcome to Strike Witches. If you were expecting a good show with decent plot, you are clearly watching the wrong thing.

After the OP, we return to little Sasha coming back from night duty, just like the last three episodes. And, once again, we see her stumbling into the wrong bed. Because this was clearly not established well enough. Then Yoshi and Mio go to see Minna with a bunch of data on their enemies. Stuff about when they first showed up, and other stuff about Sanya and her little song, and radio wavelengths and shit. Basically, Mio thinks something's up and that this is worth investigating. I get the feeling the commander is too busy thinking of other things.

So they were going to bring Barkhorn in, but her sister woke up and she's off to London to see her. Y'know, because family. Very touching stuff. So she's out. Speaking of her, she arrives at the hospital in London. In record time, no less.

You act like you've never seen a lady with no pants before.

Oh, and her sister is awake and laughing, and presumably also not wearing pants. But she's got a blanket on, so that's up to debate I guess. Then they talk about how this top ace is a reckless hotshot who is all like ZOOM BANG KILL. Then they start talking about Yoshi because hey, why the hell not.

Then they talk about how Chris should come meet Yoshi, and how they'll be the best of friends. When they get back to the jeep, there's a letter on the windshield, for Minna. Meanwhile, back at base, Perrine is stalking her commander.

Pretty sure it was episode 3. Maybe 4. Pretty much ever.

Blah blah she's freaking out, and goes to talk to Mio, who just walks into Yoshi's room. So obviously, Perrine starts to freak out over this. Mio is here to congratulate Yoshi on her first combat kill, and how she's suuuch a good pilot and an asset to the team.

... yeah I think she's full of shit too.

So now she gets even more training so she can continue to be better, and Lynne notices Perrine at the door, which opens like, two seconds later.

I'd say she could use the excuse of polishing knobs,
but I think that joke would be lost on this crew.

Cue more Perrine freakouts and threatning Lynne to say nothing or else. Then everyone goes out flying for... some reason. Training exercises I guess. Now Yoshi is become the super amazing ace that is taking down the entire squad by herself or something. Oh, then she gets felt-up mid-air by Lucchini because hey, that's just what she does. Feels up boobs.

I think I would be losing less brain cells by going to the bar every night than watching a single episode of this. Yet, here I am, continually making the same mistake over and over.

I'm sure there's a joke there, but I can't think of it.

Cue the NEXT bath scene, because what we really needed was to see everybody naked AGAIN. Especially with Yoshi going "Oh Lynne, I think you're amazing too," with Lynne going "in what way?" while bouncing her chest up and down, which of course we get a nice full visual of because HEY LITTLE GIRL TITS. Of course Yoshi can't answer.

Then Perrine shows up to make a big fuss about how Yoshi is awesome and totally stealing Mio's moves, when that's not something even she can do and trust me, she knows everything about the Major. Everything. Because, y'know, she's kind of stalking her. But not in a creepy way. More like in a watching you pee in the bathroom for your own safety way. Because, who knows? You might slip and hit your head in there or something. And then where would you be?

Well, in the bathroom I guess, but that's not the point.

Oh shit. When did I start watching Yu-Gi-Oh!?

IT'S TIME. TO D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL.

Oh, then those other two get back, and because they're nosy little bastards they read the letter, which says something ominous like "Don't get involved, you know too much." DUN DUN DUUUUN. It's almost like Minna knows... the future.

But of course, the girls are pretty upset over this, and want to know more about this whole thing. Mio has a pretty good idea who sent it: That one dude from that one very short scene during episode two or three, during that little board meeting thing. Air Force General. Which one? Who cares.

Then Perrine is all "hey, use a real gun, not those paint gun things for a duel", and Yoshi is all against it. But apparently they are 'just for show'. The duel rules are simple: Stay behind the other person for ten seconds, and you win. Oh, but you're using real guns here. Just wanted to point out that Perrine is insane.

Yoshi checks to make sure her safety is on (which is is), and then they're off into the sky, utilizing graphics that would have been right at home on early-gen PS2 games.

Y'know. Harvest Moon! Wait, this is Strike Witches?

Oh those guys. They always know how to bring us quality material. Just look at that 3D! Why, you can't even tell it isn't real. It's almost just like a 2D cel-shaded drawing.

Meanwhile, Sasha is sleeping, and her devil horns come out, and a giant enemy crab is approaching. So Perrine and Yoshi decide to go charging on ahead, despite orders to remain. Well, at least Yoshi decides to move ahead, that other chick doesn't matter.

Then Minna confronts Mio before she heads out, talking about how her shield didn't work in the last fight and blah blah blah. Dude, that was a fluke, okay? That thing was really tough. Or so we'd been led to believe. But turns out that's not actually the case.

And yet, Mio's grandma is still an awesome healer.
God damn it you stupid glaring plot holes.

So the thing about Witches is their powers get some crazy drop-off as they get older, which means they have a really short lifespan. Oh, and by the way, in case it wasn't obvious, Mio's been grooming Yoshi to be her replacement.

Speaking of Yoshi, she's found the enemy, which looks less like a crab, and more like... a flying wing... with wings.

I mean it. A flying wing. With wings.

HEY GUYS, HOW DO WE MAKE THESE WEIRD FREAKY ALIENS CREEPY? OOH, I KNOW. LETS MODEL THEM AFTER ACTUAL THINGS THAT FLY. OH, BUT WAIT, LETS CHANGE IT UP BY THROWING OTHER THINGS ON THEM THAT NO HUMAN BEING WOULD EVER IMAGINE, TO MAKE THEM LOOK DISTINCTLY ALIEN. IT IS SOOOO ORIGINAL LOLOLOL.

I just want to make it clear.

I hate you.

No, not you, the reader. Unless you came up with Strike Witches the show. In which case, yeah, I mean you. I hate you for making this show as stupid as humanly possible. I hate you for not even pretending to have tried to come up with anything visually interesting. But most of all? I HATE YOU FOR FORCING ME TO LOOK AT NAKED LITTLE GIRLS JUST SO THEY COULD DESTROY THE MOST RETARDED-AS-F**K LOOKING PIECES OF SHIT.

F***ing HELL. How did these aliens even manage to get to Earth in the first place?! These are literally the shittiest f***ing designs possible!

So this is a small Neuroi. Yoshi can handle this one, right?

No worries. It's just a baby.

It's at this point that she remembers to have taken off the safety, but then it mimics her.

Alright, I take it back. This is actually a cool-looking enemy.

Though, despite being kind of awesome, WHY DOES THIS THING STILL NEED TO BE WEARING FORM-FITTING PANTSU?!?!?!

So since this thing looks vaguely human-ish, Yoshi will never be able to shoot at it. Then the cavalry comes along, and now Yoshi gets the bright idea that they are mimicking humans. So she decides, hey, if that's the case, what happens if she just kinda doesn't shoot at it? Clearly that's going to work here.

In this case, it sorta does maybe? Because it decides not to attack her, so... she's gonna talk it to death.

Yeah. She's talking it to death. Nobody can get in touch with her, so they're all assuming the worst, while she's busy trying to make peaceful contact mid-air. So they just kinda fly around aimlessly for awhile, and then she realizes that, oh hey, she's laughing at a thing that is responsible for kind of attempting to depopulate the human race.

It's like everything I ever said about Yoshi is suddenly
coming back to bite everyone in the ass.

Oh, then it's shiny core is just sorta sitting there in its chest, and because we all know Yoshi is clearly a lesbian, she's busy staring into it. Then Mio does her looking a head thing and notices that hey, Yoshi is with a thing that looks like a witch with a Neuroi core. Then she gets into radio range, and tells her to shoot, but nopes, not gonna do that, becasue this thing is totes peaceful.

Then Mio's shield fails and she goes down like a sack of potatoes from a really shitty laser. Gasp. So Minna makes the extremely hard decision to HUNT THAT BITCH DOWN. While breaking down over Mio getting shot down.

On the ground, Yoshi is dealing out some healing, and this episode is to be continued.

And yet? I still can't care about this show. Because honestly, it's long beyond saving at this point. There is nothing that could happen in this show, short of everybody dying in some horrible and hilarious manner that would make this show worth watching.

And even in that case, I'd only ever recommend that one episode. But that's not gonna happen.

Maybe in a doujin though.

.... maybe.