Free! Episode 10 - Irritated Heart Rate!

Oh thank God. According to AniDB, Free! has now been officially listed as only being twelve episodes. That means in two weeks I can drop this show like a bad habit and forget it ever even existed.

No, wait, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. Not without a great deal of alcohol, electrodes, and twelve volt batteries. Y'know. For electro-shock therapy.

Right. Three episodes. I can do this.


Okay, so once upon a time, there was this kid named Rin, and he had to transfer schools.

Who for some reason still acts and looks like a girl.

Enter the OP.

No, I'm dead serious. Fifteen seconds and then BAM WATER ALL UP IN YOUR FACE. It's like they've suddenly decided, eh, f**k it, the show is almost over, let's just get this crap on the road and get people through all this crap as quickly as possible.

Afterwards, there's a big tree. How big is it, you ask?

That's. What. She. Said.

Our least favorite girly elementary boys are sitting in front of this big ol' dead tree in the middle of winter talking about how big it is, and how awesome it'll look in the spring when the cherry blossoms are all over the pool.

... that does not sound girly at all.

Totally manly. We promise.

Then Haru decides he has a question to ask this kid. He seems pretty serious about it. Turns out that they've all swum at the same tournaments before, as competitors. It's just a coincidence that he happened to show up at this school. A coincidence.

Joining the same swim club? Also a coincidence. Honest.

Also, there are some very uncomfortable close-ups of Haru's groin while he's in the water. Seems to me that Rin has come for one reason and one reason only: Haru. Oh, and by the way, this kid? He's going to run three kilometers home. Because, hey, it's only three kilometers.

I am beginning to suspect he has some of the worst parents in the world. But considering they aren't the only ones who thought it funny to give a boy a girl's name, I'm beginning to also think that all of the parents in this show are suspect.

So Rin attempts to rope Haru into teaming up with him in the next swim competition. It'll be fun! But he only swims free, because that's just how Haru rolls. But he doesn't want to be in some dumb relay, no matter what. He just wants to goof off. Then Rin shouts in class that Haru can 'be free', causing everyone to look at him, prompting him to suggest everyone in class should write messages on bricks outside. Y'know. To be 'free'.

Oh god that was just a stretch.

More little boys swimming, and Haru is now deciding to run home too because it's the trendy thing to do.

Then little Nagi finally shows up, sticking his nose into places, wondering if Rin is really doing a relay with the other two, and he's like "yep, that's totes the plan brah", and Nagi is all "I wanna be the dude!"

Excuse me while I vomit a little.

Rin cuts him a deal: If Nagi can place first in the Breast stroke, he'll totally let him on the team. Then Rin is all wondering what's up with Haru, and Mako is all "I dunno, I guess because he just wants to be in the water." But that's way too deep for Rin to understand, but Mako asks why he wants to be in the relay so bad. His answer? "Reasons."

Then there's the whole Australia thing, and they're looking at the bricks, and he's like "I wanna be an Olympian and I'm leaving after the thing". Then Haru is all "I only swim free", and Rin's all "So let's do this? I'll show you something you've never seen before."

Cut to modern day, when he's sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, thinking about little boy Haru. I'll let you process that for a moment. Oh, and cue the training with their old coach immediately after. He's really laying into them.

He gets so aggravated, he sets up an incredibly expensive camera system to show them exactly what they're doing wrong from several different angles. Oh, and now Rei has a problem with how Haru is swimming now. It's no longer beautiful, and we know this dude is all about things looking good.

Oh, and then it's revealed that pizza dude (whose name is Goro) used to swim at this school. Then Rei gives Haru The Look and leaves. On the train home, Rei is talking to Nagi about why Rin would suddenly join the relay, and even Nagi has no clue. Then again, trying to analyze this guy is like trying to understand Hannibal Lecter. It's just not a good idea.

So blah blah who cares who is swimming in the relay, they're just trying to get to nationals, but if that's the case why is everyone going on about this asshole.

That's okay, we don't get it either.

Then everyone gets together for a hot pot in the middle of summer. Without air conditioning. It's pretty amazing food, with some folks enjoying more than others.

Nagi's enthusiasm makes Haru look miserable.

It is then revealed that Goro was the last member of the club before it was disbanded and... oh god Nagi what are you-

If it looks like a girl, sounds like a girl, and acts like a girl...

Oh, so Nagi winds up knocking over a ton of old magazines. If you can't tell where this is going... he heads over to clean them up, and all of the magazines are ones with girls wearing swimsuits in it. Again, if you don't know where this is going? Goro almost outs her true identity, and then she distracts everyone's attention with CRAB FIRE. There is no crab on fire.

Then there's watermelon and sparklers, and Goro is trying not to cream himself over that teacher's last job. She really doesn't want to talk about it. Then Gou comes barreling through with a book of old club memories she found in Goro's house (because it's clearly an okay thing to just rummage through some other's dude's belongings), and then they start looking at all the old photos of when everyone was kids in the club.

More pictures of Haru looking miserable, and oh look, Rin is in the background with some dudes he knew back in the day, looking smug as ever, even though he's totally not in the picture of Haru.

YES, WE GET IT. THEY'RE GAY. OKAY.

They continue looking at pictures, and Rin is always all sharkface while Haru would much rather be picking counting the holes in ceiling tiles or something. And Rei is feeling all left out because nobody cares about him, he's just the spare tire. Then all the boys walk home, and Rei is all sulky and shit again, because he wants to know what exactly happened with Rin.

But then Haru decides to tell him what happened, even though there's probably no point to it. Well, at least he's honest. So it's time for story time once more. Ahem.

Once upon a time, Rin was all about relays, but he never told them why until the last day. All of them were into the relay because they wanted to be in the relay. I get the feeling Rin wanted them there because he wanted to make himself look better by placing first. Because this is when he tells them his dark secret: His dad was one of the first Iwatobi swim club members. Back in the day, he was pretty awesome, winning a medley relay in the sixth grade. He wanted to be an Olympic swimmer, then he died in a fishing accident.

So Rin wanted to follow his dad's footsteps and achieve his dream. In short, he wants to use those guys as his stepping stones to success.

... so basically you just spent the last three minutes going over EVERYTHING WE ALREADY KNEW. Except that you explained it to Rei. And you continue to tell us the same story OVER AND OVER AGAIN. After the race, Haru thought he saw something he'd never seen before, but then Rin up and bounced and left to be an Aussie.

Because Rin's an asshole!

I get the feeling nobody is actually facing reality here, because the same questions keep being asked over and over again. Haru decides to answer, though - one time during winter break, he met Rin while he was back on vacation. In true anime fashion, they met on the opposite sides of a passing train.  He was all hurt because Rin never called, but he doesn't care. Haru is still swimming, so he wants to know who's faster.

So they head back to the old swim club and see Goro, and they have a little match up, where Rin gets his ass handed to him, and he runs off crying like a baby. He's decided to quit swimming because Haru is better than he is, and as a result, Haru stopped swimming too. Boo f***ing hoo.

It's cool, there's still two more episodes left.

Haru doesn't get why he's all upset about losing to Rin either, but he's definitely looking forward to it. Meanwhile, Rei continues to be a sulking sally.

No Nagi, he does not want to share your ice cream. Jesus.

Then Rei blows up at Nagi for saying he "doesn't have to get involved" with things from the past when, in fact, he already is! My god, for a smart guy who has done a number of intellectually questionable things, he actually manages to use that grey matter of his to formulate an opinionated reaction that makes perfectly logical sense! Of course they immediately cut away to Rin practicing at his team's pool, and ignoring his teammates.

Then Rei decides to quit practicing, making everyone wonder what's going on. Oh well, guess they need to go without him. Speaking of Rei, he shows up at the rival school to have a little chat with Rin, in totally epic fashion.

If this suddenly becomes the story of Rei, the replacement,
I will have no choice but to like this show.

They sit there staring each other down, until Rei says they need to talk, and then END EPISODE.

No, I'm serious here. If this entire series was just one incredible build-up to Rei becoming not only the main character, but also the one who is slotted to be someone's replacement who he winds up completely surpassing, and therefore somehow becoming an Olympic champion? I would actually be okay with that. Why?

Because that my friends would be THE MOST BADASS THING EVER.

I fully expect all of those hopes to be dashed away within the first two minutes of next week's episode, of course.