Free! Episode 11 - Furious All-Out!

I already know I'm going to regret watching this. They're going to do the same thing they've already done before - set up a major cliffhanger that could be strung out over the entire episode if they really wanted to maximize the dramatic tension, only to have it resolved within the first three minutes of the episode, only to relegate the cliffhanger to a miserable existence of never really having needed to exist in the first place, because any dramatic tension associated with it has since dissipated.

In short: This show will fail to become awesome. Rei isn't going to deliver an amazingly awesome speech. He probably isn't even going to say anything particularly noteworthy. My predictions? He's going to be all espousing the values of friendship and teamwork.

I'm ready to be disappointed. Are you?

Actually, to say that I could be disappointed would be suggesting that I am somehow holding out any hope for this show whatsoever. Instead I should be saying, I'm prepared to be proven exactly right and that my expectations for this show will at least be met, if not exceeded. I've set the bar pretty low, after all.

Probably not your penis.

Today they begin the episode with Rei wanting the answers to two questions: Why do you want to swim in the relay? AND THEN THE OPENING SEQUENCE.

... wait, what? Really? You set it up with two questions and the first one is so important and moving it isn't worth asking the second one?! That's a pretty ballsy move you've made there KyoAni. Seriously, super ballsy, in fact. It's like you're pinning all of your hopes on this one episode to save the entire show, to make everyone who dropped the show take notice of the five people still watching this show to make everyone who gave it up come back and suddenly watch the whole thing out of surprise.

But that's giving you too much credit, so I'm going to settle with you trying to do the best with the literal pile of shit you've got sitting on your desk. It's okay, I can't fault you for using good animation principles and film techniques on shitty material. I can, however, insinuate what a massive waste it is.

Anyhow, after the heart-pumping intro, Rin gives his answer: He just changed his mind, that's all. Pfft, like Rei is gonna settle for that, did you forget that he is a super sleuth? A veritable f***ing Sherlock Holmes, this kid is. He pulls out the big guns, saying he's really just been wanting to race Haru this entire time, and that is his only motivation for anything.

But of course, Rin is too cool to be casually observed by other people, even if the things they are saying are completely true. Rin's a tough guy who doesn't admit to anything ever. Rei is all accusing him of only wanting to beat Haru, and he finally did so what's the big deal? But hey, Rin is quick to counter with the denial. Please, like beating Haru was ever an actual thing for him, because that's for lamers. He just wants to be the best in the world.

So finally, Rei gets to the f***ing point of this entire show.

He asks because Nagi really wants to make sure there's
no competition for that sweet, supple ass.

He goes on to talk about how happy Rin used to be back in the day, so what the hell happened? When did he turn into such a massive douche nozzle? What really happened in Australia?

Wait for it... wait for it...

Um... yes? Isn't that the point?

Why does Rin have to explain himself to him? Oh, because Rei is a victim. Poor Rei, got all dragged into this stupid swimming nonsense all because he couldn't grow a spine and stick to his original answer. Baww. Rei wanted to swim like Haru, because it was awesome looking and seemed like fun, and blah blah his stupidness aside he felt like he was part of a team and that was awesome.

Of course, those words cause Mr. Sharkface to feel like a complete ass and have all the emotions of a regular human being, because hey, he had friends that he used like tools and then set them aside to become super pro. Until he came back home and got his ass beat and cried and gave up.

F***ing poser.

Then Rei gets really mad about how everyone is always saying Rin this, Rin that, and he finally flies off the handle, ignoring that thing called logic and straight out assaults the guy, saying it's totally Rin's fault that Haru stopped with the swimming, while at the same time giving the ladies something to ogle.

Incidentally I am now tearing off your jacket.

Then Rei lets slip that Haru gave up the swimming because he beat Rin that one time back in middle school, and all of this crap is his fault because he is a truly horrible human being, so why does he continue to persist chasing after Haru and trying to follow him even though he got everything he supposedly ever wanted? It's really burning Rei up for some stupid reason.

The ladies are loving this. Me? My laughter is holding
back the tears. Because of how bad this is.

Then Rin goes silent and ask what Rei is doing here in that case, giving him this raft of shit. Oh, and also flying off the handle, now taking the upper hand and doing all the grabby stuff.

May I suggest a make-out session? No? Okay.

Rei's purpose is simple: To be part of the best team ever, that's all. This makes Rin shut up, and Rei just kinda casually walks away, but not before telling Rin he'll never forgive him if he comes between Rei and that goal.

So, my predictions were pretty spot on. Espousing the values of friendship and teamwork blah blah blah. He could have been amazingly awesome, all he had to do was say he wanted to take Rin's place, to become better than him. Instead, he just wanted to be part of a team, which says a lot about his self esteem, in that he pretty much seems to have none. But what was I really expecting from this show, anyway?

The team decides to go check on Rei who they think is sick, so they head over to his place. Then Haru gets right to the point: Is Rei feeling bad because of that thing Haru said yesterday? Way to put Nagi on the spot by being totally right dude.

Over at Rei's, he's flashing back during homework when everyone else shows up to see him. Then Nagi gets uncomfortably close, and gives him the "everyone was worried" speech since he missed practice. Of course, they get distracted by all of the awards and trophies and books he has in his room, and Haru has to ask him: Did he really go to see Rin?

But yeah, he did, and he comes clean about it all. It wasn't because of the things Haru said though, he just had his own reasons, for which I don't even comprehend. Then Haru is all "yeah we're a team now" and now he's one of the guys. Yay. Congratulations. Nagi breaks open the Melon Bread (because real melons were too expensive) and proceeds to force feed Haru.

... I'm dead serious.

Nagi just loves shoving things down Haru's throat.

Oh, and then Haru starts dying due to choking and they instruct Rei to get him something to drink. He then spends the next three minutes while Haru is literally dying talking about how awesome barley tea and melon bread is.

I'm sure there's no way they can possibly fail. After all, they're a team.

He had to study a book about teamwork. God help me.

Then the pool where Rin is swimming and flashing back to that thing Rei said five minutes ago! Also other flash backs to when he was a kid wanting to be part of an awesome team, and his swimming sucks now. Prompting the others to wonder what is up.

Gee I wonder why.

The captain then asks if he knows why he didn't decide to join the team when he got back from Australia. But nobody knows. Not that it matters because the only thing that matters here isn't being a team, it's being THE BEST. AROUND. SO NOTHING'S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN.

Next we get to see Gou hanging out with that one girl who probably had a name but nobody really gives a shit about, helping her carry some stuff, presumably to the pool. She says that she's got some friends who want to come cheer for their team, because they made it through regionals and hey, it's always cool to jump on the bandwagon once it's the popular thing to do. Which is to say, when a team is good, everyone wants to cheer for them, and when they suck or are nonexistent nobody gives a f**k. Just like real sports.

More swimming practice, and it cuts to Goro saying he's taught them everything he possibly can, so now it's up to them. Tomorrow is the big swim thing, and their teacher tries to tell them something Caesar said once, but nobody gives a shit because the bus is here so off they go.

Cue the bus trip montage where everybody is eating food out of one another's hands and doing random things that make zero sense because we get no context for any of it! Also lots of sunsets and walking around town getting lost finding the hotel. Finally they get to their rooms, and like at camp, the sleeping arrangements are the same. But now it's time to eat, so they go eat at a restaurant.

Not that you get to see them eating, since it immediately cuts to after the meal. So what's the best thing to do? Check out the pool of course! But it's too late to get inside, so they decide to go to some overlook in the middle of the night to take a look.

Nagi, that is your entire character description.

Now we get to see the girls doing stuff, and Gou's phone goes off. A text from her brother, wanting to talk. What could it possibly be? Not that we're going to find out yet because Mako and Haru are going to be doing that thing where they talk all night because neither of them can sleep.

Haru takes a moment to express his gratitude for Mako being there for him all the time, before announcing his next intentions.

Off the roof?

Then off he goes, leaving Mako to just kind of laugh for no reason. Over in the other room, Nagi is talking in his sleep, telling Rei not to eat squirrel or something. Then his phone starts going off or something?

So then Haru is out running and Nagi sees him, and drags him off to a playground because Rei is missing. Again. This is becoming a regular thing. So instead of, I dunno, looking for him, they sit around talking about being nervous about the whole swim thing tomorrow.

But it's all good since he gets to swim in a relay, even if they are facing off against Rin. Then Haru is all "man, this is totally all your fault, but I guess I gotta thank your stupid ass anyway". So he thanks Nagi for dragging him into this shit, and then he decides to leap onto Haru's back, because that's just what he does all the time.

Oh, and then Rei meets with Rin in the middle of the night in front of the windmills, because he wants to give his answer about his feelings towards Haru. Yeah, he was pretty much a crying little bitch when Haru beat him that one time, but that wasn't why he quit swimming. It was because he couldn't swim the way he wanted to, and it felt like the Olympics were getting further and further away. All because he once swam in a relay, and he couldn't ever swim by himself.

So he comes back to Japan, and runs into Haru that one time, and they raced together, which made him want to swim again. But then he saw them all swimming in the relay and it made him miss the old days, but he's all like "I'm gonna swim my best, so you better not screw up your team with your shitty swimming" and walks off.

... yeah, because that totally resolved anything.

Did I mention that's the end of the episode? Because that's the end of the episode.

Next week cannot come fast enough. I can't wait to replace this slot with something else. Almost anything else, really.

I'm open to suggestions. JUST NOT THAT.