Sailor Moon R Episode 10 - Steal Mamoru's Kiss! En's Snow White Strategy

It's that lovely time of night again, where I reflect upon the things I do in life, and ask myself: Why the hell did I ever want to start watching this show again?

I mean, okay sure. Yes, it's a popular show. Yes, I've railed it pretty hard, and I do actually take offense to a great many deal of things that happen in it. I mean this is some pretty sick shit that goes on in this show, and nobody ever really bothered to take a look at that and ask themselves, "is this really the sort of show I want my kid to be watching?"

But no, there's got to be some other reason for it. Perhaps I've been deluding myself. I mean, I can watch something, then go "I hate it" and move on, and be totally justified by it. So why do I actually have to sit through every thing that has ever been, to completely deconstruct and disassemble it in all of its entirety, for the entire world to see?

If anybody can actually come up with a legitimate answer to that, I welcome you to leave a comment and let me know, because I'm f***ing stumped. Anyhow, I guess it's time to get the show on the road.

You know one thing I don't miss? The "this is what you're going to see in this episode" before the intro even happens. I don't miss that one bit. I love coming straight into the opening, because it just feels smooth and natural, and honestly like one of those things classic shows did right. They wanted you to know what you were watching before telling you what was going to happen. That's good structure there.

Sadly, all they did was shift it to after the intro, which means I still have to put up with it, but hey, at least they lull me into a false sense of security FIRST before just unloading all of their emotional baggage upon me.

Speaking of baggage, there's a play, Usagi is the star, and she is totally making out with Ali. Oh, also a joker wrecks the entire play as usual.

So today's episode starts with Usagi sleeping over an English book that is really just Sleeping Beauty, which Japan loves to tout as a love story. Really, I would hesitate to classify any fairy tale as a 'love story', but then again, the Japanese love to turn anything and everything into a romantic dream. Including tanks and airplanes. Some are better than others, obviously.

Anyhow, Luna is all hugging herself and getting all dreamy and hot thinking about getting into a tousle with some handsome hunk of a tomcat (quite literally I might add) when she slips on a pen, and wakes the sleeping moron. Why a cat is walking on two legs, I don't know, but her master gets all mad because she was totally about to eat that dream meat bun and now she's mad because she can't go eat a real meat bun.

Ugh.

What happened to the supposed integrity of this show?

Then the title slide happens and any shred of remaining hope fades as I realize just how horrible this is going to turn out in the end.

So our favorite incestuous duo (no, not the gay brother tag team from last season, the twincest one from this season) just so happens to be lounging around in their apartment, reading books and looking at collectible card games decks. Or maybe they're tarot cards, hell if I know.

Fifty bucks says it's the Disney version.

Today Ali is questioning the virtues of learning English, as opposed to, I dunno, draining the planet of all of its energy. I mean that is kind of the thing they came here to do in the first place, after all. But his sister is too busy being a girl and going all "oh love is a thing we take" and blah blah. First of all, Snow White is far from a romantic story. In fact, it's actually pretty dark and grim. You know what's also amazingly grimdark? Red Riding Hood. Does anybody ever bother to actually read the source material?

... yeah maybe I should just stop asking serious questions and make jokes instead.

And yet she gets pissy when her brother-lover looks at
another girl that isn't her. Double standards.

There's a meeting over at Rei's shrine, and Rei asked them all to come because Mamoru is in trouble. Gasp! What could be the matter? He has to perform a play at Juban Hall. Because I guess all of his pals threw a fit and left, and he has to roll up his sleeves and make sure everything goes well himself. He was so worried about it, he even left a prayer thingy at the shrine, because showing devotion is the way to do it.

Actually, that's a pretty cool thing to do, and I can't actually knock him for doing that. Especially since it's one of those cultural things that just makes damn sense. Of course, when the shrine maidens know you personally, that can become just a little bit awkward...

So of course that means the girls will be pitching in to help.

First of all, you don't make those decisions, he does.
Secondly, why are you deciding this shit?

Rei wants to play the role of Snow White, and of course Usagi takes issue with it... I'm not even sure why Mamoru is even bothering to entertain their idea. I mean, clearly they are just doing this for their own good, not even caring what the guy who is supposed to be in charge might have to say. But this is an anime, and this is all about what the blonde heroine wants, despite the fact that she is a horrible little shrew of a woman.

Way to nominate yourself.

So everyone is going to make their case for being Snow White, including Ami because she... doesn't have much time to contribute, and therefore will have less time to practice lines and since Snow White sleeps all the time...

Give me a minute. I'm just going to slam my face against the keyboard a few times to try and get rid of the stupid. Ajf{wdGAE[J34W9A-[GFj olsgj$*GTWEARG

So yeah. The girls have all decided that Mamoru is going to be the prince, and one of them is totes gonna be Snow White so they can kiss him. BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD EVER.

Despite the fact that it has already been established that he is supposed to be the rabbit's 'man-thing'. Even though, honestly, there's no actual basis for any of that, due to the lack of evidence. Did they just casually forget her sole claim to his manly heart, or are they all just not caring that they are all vying for the same length of trouser snake?

Then Umino and Naru show up to tell them they should stop being such pricks, and get told to shut up and Mamoru laments this entire turn of events.

SO PICK A DIFFERENT PLAY.

Let's just identify everything that Mamoru is doing wrong here: He's letting everyone make his decisions for him, not asserting himself as being in charge, and is failing to control the situations that develop because he seems to lack any sort of leadership skills completely.

This play is doomed from the start because nobody knows what they are even doing.

But of course, En is the one to come up with a helpful suggestion.

This is how you know this game is totes rigged.

She's got this whole thing figured out. So everybody draws. Usagi gets to be the Evil Queen. Oh boo-friggin' hoo. And everyone else is a dwarf, so of course En gets to be Snow White. Even though she clearly *rips* the tip off the final one so that she would obviously win right in front of everyone else but who's gonna notice that? Exactly NO ONE.

It's really a wonder anyone gets things done in this town.

So they're short by one dwarf, and En wants her brother Ali to take part. But he wants to be the prince, and is the one throwing a hissy fit this time about not making out with his weird-ass twin sister this time around. When did they swap personalities? He decides to summon a Cardian without her input for once: Bipierrot.

Oh dear god it's an evil Ronald McDonald.

He instructs his new monster to totally suck the entire theater dry next week, and then we get to see everyone practicing for the play. As is with every other anime ever, they have to practice the part of Snow White being awoken from her slumber over and over. And over. And over. Hang on a second, didn't they already do this play once in this show? If they did, it's all becoming one big blur to me. Maybe I'm thinking some other show. After all, it isn't as though this is an incredibly common thing in any school life anime or manga ever.

So they run through the motions and do the whole kissing thing, but En keeps jumping the gun and trying to embrace him and totally take advantage of him. Eventually everybody leaves except for the five girls, but En wants to walk home with Mamoru, to 'get to know him better' despite wanting nothing to do with him after the baby fiasco a couple of episodes back. Obviously, this burns Usagi up, and the rest of the girls kind of get all bent out of shape about the whole thing too.

Turns out, everyone but Usagi was hep to En's little game, but let it go because she's new in town and doesn't have any friends and they just wanted her to get her way, even if it meant she cheated.

You guys... are literally the worst kinds of friends ever. Because these things rarely turn out well. In fact, it usually only leads to even more resentment once the other party finds out you let them get away with it. That's the kind of thing you do with an actual friend, not someone you're trying to make a friend.

Holy F**K. HOW DID YOU GET SMART SUDDENLY.

I'm living in some bizarro world. Because the main character is making sense. Either that, or it's almost 6am and I've not had nearly enough sleep in the last 48 hours. Or I'm drunk. Or I'm slowly dying of some rare airborne illness that is slowly eroding away my perceptions of reality.

Or the most likely answer: The writers managed to actually pull something out of their ass, and just so happened to assign it to the one character who always manages to f**k everything up with her utter uselessness.

Oh wait, then she gets mad about everyone letting her get away with cheating which is totally wrong. Right.

On the way home, they happen across her visiting the shrine, so they decide to spy on her. After the commercial break of course.

Despite being an alien from another planet, quite LITERALLY, En is still sitting there at the shrine praying for the play to be a massive success, while secretly just wanting those luscious lips of Mamoru's. Sadly, this is enough to convince the others to allow her to continue playing the role of Snow White. Then the play rolls around and OH DEAR GOD WHAT THE UNHOLY F**K IS THIS SHIT.

THOSE. ARE. NOT. DWARVES.

This. This is the shit. That nightmares ARE MADE OF. Umino rented this horrendous costumes in an effort to make the play 'different', but frankly? DIFFERENT IS SERIOUSLY BAD IN THIS CASE. Back at home, Ali walks in on his sister trying to make out with a pillow, and Ali notices the play book, and immediately imagines himself making out with Usagi, because that is totally how he rolls.

Oh, and Usagi is actually practicing her lines or something, much to the chagrin of her little brother, who is still a douche. Finally its the day of the play, and everyone is getting the jitters. But it's time to go on stage and look like complete fools. The curtain rises, and I am prepared to watch the most agonizing play ever.

Except that instead fo a play, today's daily monster shows up and starts spnning on a unicycle and repeating her name like some kind of broken pokemon. Oh, and she wrecks the stage set and attacks En with a giant rubber ball.

There's so much wrong here...

So now that everyone is aware this is a real monster, they all freak out and become a giant pile of animal costumes, which gives the monster all the time in the world to prety much drain the audience. Usagi somehow manages to free herself and shed the old hag costume, and does that thing where she turns into Sailor Moon, despite the fact that Umino and Naru are clearly still conscious, but who cares about them?

Sailor Moon appears on stage bemoaning all the long months of practice all down the tubes because of this, to classic Kabuki claps, only to be electrocuted by the enemy and immediately freed by a white rose from that one douchenozzle.

They call me... Big Poppa.

So suddenly the other Scouts show up without even so much as a transformation, and everyone in the audience is all OH HEY A SAILOR MOON PLAY WHOA DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Everyone makes their debuts with their stupid introductions, and more Kabuki noises, and then the real fight begins. Talismans, fire, lots of yelling about lost time and bubbles, you know the drill by now.

Hell, Jupiter and Venus don't even do anything before Sailor Moon just straight up purifies that shit, making their appearance completely and utterly pointless. They are literally just there to be there.

Then there's applause and suddenly this is the best play ever.

Okay, I'll admit. This is actually a classy exit.

The Moonlight Knight exits, stage top, and the crowd is cheering for the girls.

Oh, and over at the Ali and En Inn, En gets all pissy because her brother sent a Cardian and ruined everything, and he's still all "damn I wanted to be the Prince". THE END.

Just a few more episodes, and this filler is over... it can't happen soon enough.