Sailor Moon R Episode 08 - The Culture Fest is for Me?! Queen Rei Sings With Passion

Okay, okay. So I've come to the conclusion that somehow, Sailor Moon is my favorite series to cover out of all of these. Not because it's particularly good, but because it is just horribly bad in all of the right ways that are tolerable, even though they do some incredibly questionable things.

Y'know, like mindf***ing people out of your love for them. Even though that 'love' may really only just be one of those stupid teenage illusions. Because seriously, in all of the flashback stuff, not once has there been actual evidence that those two were ever in any sort of real relationship. After all, how the hell do you get romantically involved with a guy you've never met, who just so happened to show up to say "hey, Earth is about to kill you all, just thought I'd come and warn you, and then kind of die right after they show up along with everybody else. Sorry."

The answer: You don't.

So after the babysitting fiasco, it's time we sit down and examine just how much further this show can sink. Trust me, it's gonna get real weird later this season when *spoilers* shows up.

In this episode, Rei sings. And wears a red dress. Then some flying mermaid comes in and messes everything up.

Now that we've established this, today's episode starts with people actually visiting the Hakurei shrine. Only I bet poor little Reimu wishes her shrine were half as popular as this one, given her donation box is almost perpetually empty. Kind of like this one's used to be, but somehow, it is now super happening, possibly because Rei is selling charms to cure lovesickness. To quote her: "No matter how many times I was heartbroken, thanks to these charms I found a new boyfriend every single time!"

Shrine Maiden purity just ain't what it used to be...

Must to her grandfather's disdain, if only because by using their amulets, they shouldn't be having troubles in love ever. Also, Mina is somehow working there now. What? When did this become a thing? Hell, even Makoto is working there now. What the hell?

So much for just coming to hang out I guess.

Eventually Usagi and Ami show up, and it seems like the other girls have been helping out at the shrine because Rei's been off doing something involving the 'cultural festival' and coming home late as a result. I guess she's probably singing or something without grandpa's approval, which might get her into hot water later, depending on how controlling they decide to portray this guy.

So it's time for the good ol' 1993 Culture Festival. Yes, the sign clearly has the date on it. So Rei is all making sure things are getting done like a good culture fest president. Except nobody knows what to do unless she's standing over their shoulders I guess.

With heroes like her, who needs villains?

She then goes on to complain about more things that are out of place, and the girls love her for it. No, seriously, she literally bitches at people to get things done, and they absolutely love her for it. Like, seriously. Who the hell likes being told to do things like that? It's no wonder Rei is annoyed, she's literally dealing with god damned Lemmings here. They're so dumb, they don't do anything unless you are actually focusing on them doing it.

No, Lemmings at least keep moving forward. That's a bad comparison. They're more like people from The Sims - if you aren't constantly telling them to make food, go to the bathroom, and go to bed, they'll literally just kill themselves because they're literally too stupid to take a piss. There's a time and place for micromanagement. Doing it all the time? Not the best.

So who decides to show up with help?

At least I'm not the only one thinking this is the
stupidest thing ever.

See, the reason this is funny is because Rei said she was "so busy she could use the help of cats". Except that's a thing that is probably a poor translation of a Japanese joke. A better way of putting would have been to say, "I might as well be herding cats", in which case, bam, now you have cats to herd. But just in case you were thinking this couldn't get any weirder... well, it does.

Chalk another one up for animal abuse.

Let's just ignore the complete impracticality of having one cat on each shoulder, and instead focus on just how completely insane it is to try to pull said cat off of your shoulder like a sack of potatoes. That look on Ami's face? That is pure horror.

Anyhow, Rei asks what she's doing here, and the answer is THROWING CATS. Because that's immediately what Usagi does while stating they came here to give her something. And for some reason, despite the horror on Ami's face, she now finds this whole situation completely hilarious.

Not even a look of concern about the thrown cats.

So then they ask if they can hang around doing nothing, and Rei is all "totally! I'm about to rehearse anyways, so have a seat!" Then she proceeds to pretend to be an amazing pop star of some sort. Which is probably why all the girls are swooning over her.

Of course, this whole "culture festival" is really nothing more than Rei wanting to get on stage and sing like a pop star, because literally this entire thing is geared around her performance. Nothing else, just making sure she looks as good as possible while she sings. I know this because during her rehearsal she starts yelling at the girls manning the lights because they're picking stupid colors while she is singing.

So gets backstage, and somehow the cats have managed to remain completely unharmed, although I will note that Artemis is now hanging off of Ami's shoulder. Why they don't just walk around is beyond me. Perhaps the better question is, why are cats allowed on the school grounds to begin with. Then Rei gets into more shameless self-promotion with her besties.

Oh good god this is like some horrible fanfic, except
Rei is the one writing herself into it.

Okay, we get it. Rei is an amazing person. Cool. We get it. Then Ami makes the most astute observation.

WELL NO F***ING SHIT.

Rei then immediately admits to this. Why else would she be going through all of this trouble to oversee everything, if not for her own immense personal gain? It's not like she would be bothered with other people or anything.

So from being a guardian to a self-centered bitch. And yet, these are the people defending your planet from hostile alien forces. How do you feel now, Earth?

.... I'm not.

Wait. Rei has always been this selfish? I understand she had a thing against Usagi, when they were competing over the attention of the same guy. But that was different, the rest of the time she always seemed, to me, to be concerned about the welfare of everybody else around her. She was always quite serious, and while she might have been a bit snappy, it was always for the benefit of others. Now you're telling me she's just wanted the spotlight all along?

Cue that music that tells you that we're about the see the villains. Cue seeing the villains just casually chilling out in a tree, for no real reason. Clearly, if they wait until the day of the festival, they can get a lot of energy. Oh my god, is this a plan that is actually well thought out?!?! No, seriously. That is actually a good f***ing idea for a change. Unlike the last few, which were "target people one at a time" or "attack children/babies". When really, they should just be terrorizing the f**k out of the populace, because seriously, who can really stop them (aside from the Sailor Scouts)? If they really wanted to, they could probably do more damage than the girls could really mitigate. But of course, they can't do that, because they're too busy wanting to bone certain humans because they so sexy.

Back at the shrine, we discover the festival is tomorrow. And who is going to be stuck watching the shrine while everyone else is having fun? That homeless rich dude. Yeah. Him. He seems sad but nobody cares. He's pretty useless now anyway.

Then they start gushing about how awesome Rei is, and she goes on about how it took her no time at all to come up with everything. While we are treated to a montage of her doing the exact opposite, including being all teary-eyed because she sucks.

Then Artemis gives this completely incredulous look and wonders if it's really okay for a Sailor Scout to be spending so much time on all of this, while Luna is all "yeah, it's cool, whatevs." Good thing there aren't aliens attacking or anything.

Day of the festival arrives, and grandpa is already hitting on little girls, asking them to 'work at his shrine'. I bet he's got some brass knobs they could polish if you catch my drift. Then we get treated to Usagi, Mina, and Mako going around visiting various clubs, doing random things, because this is the obligatory Culture Fest episode. Y'know, for someone that was organizing this entire thing for her own benefit, there sure are a lot of other clubs that have set stuff up.

What the hell is...

Oh, and I guess Rei and Ami are off doing things too? Anyway, better just ignore the creepy kids next to the giant tree exuding an evil aura.

No big deal, there's always one or two weirdos in every class.

There's an awful lot of energy here, but before the siblings can go off to 'enjoy this to its fullest', homeboy Ali gets snagged by a trio of girls who describe him as "the perfect man". They want to "measure him".

I'm not sure if I should be aroused or horrified.

His sister gets dragged off, and the girls start ordering him around while they measure him. Turns out, his sister is also perfect too. What for? Why, for modeling their fashionable clothes designs. What's their theme this year, you ask?

*insert sound of horrible keyboard mashing and wailing here*

It is at this point that I must come to the following conclusion: It is impossible to create an 'abridged' series of this show. Why? BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY DONE IT FOR YOU. All the stupid, inane nonsensical bullshit you'd expect out of guys like Team Four Star is pretty much thrown in. I know this is filler stuff, but sweet Jesus on a pogo stick people, what the hell!

Then the twins are all OH GOD THEY KNOW WHO WE ARE. But then the girl is like "oh god, don't tell me you guys think aliens are real?"

No, clearly they could never believe something so utterly stupid. Then it's time for Rei's performance, so everyone better show up or else.

Over in the auditorium, someone else is about to make their big debut as well.

Oh sweet mother of god that is horrendous.

The opening act for Rei's performance is the fashion show. Which has the entire audience laughing at them. Of course, they take it the wrong way, and continue to show off all their different costumes.

Zieg Zeon!

Oh god.

How does THIS say aliens?!

But they're happy because the energy is rising, so then the dramatic music starts up and they're all like "aww yeah" and then the not really Jaws theme plays and we get the commercial break. F**k.

Now it's time for Rei's performance, and so the curtains rise, and everyone is excited to see her chubby self on stage. No, seriously, she put on some serious pounds all of a sudden.

Yes, that dress does make you look fat. So do your shoulders.

No big deal of course. She starts off by thanking everyone to come and see little old her. Even the cats are groaning over this completely unsurprising development. Grandpa is pretty happy, but Rei is planning on milking this whole Idol thing as much as she can, and finally she starts signing while the crowd goes wild and the aliens are on top of the auditorium playing children's card games.

I summon Pink-haired Blue Mermaid!

Okay so this one's name is Seiren. Or Siren. Because Mermaids are technically Sirens from Greek mythology. Then there's water and fishlady comes out and she starts swimming around the auditorium, spreading golden dust all over the place. Of course our heroines know what's up, but grandpa is stupid, and asks the flying fish monster to come work at the shrine. Before passing out with the rest of the crowd.

Now the aliens hold hands and vanish back to the Doom Tree, and the mermaid breaks her pearl hairband and threatens Rei with her eeeevil hair, while her friends sit there and watch. Time for the girls to do a transformation sequence, that doesn't involve Rei. Because clearly, she is helpless.

In case you've never seen the show, they're kind enough to yell out their names for you. It's a thing they do.

So Rei is grabbed by the hair and her energy starts getting absorbed, but the girls hit the monster with a combination of bubbles and lightning, making her super angry. So she decides to choke them out with her hair. Like, all of them at once. Why not?

Guess it's time for Sailor Mars to make her appearance, despite being drained of energy. Also, she needs an excuse to get her super-powered bullshit move.

F***ing diva.

Then she nearly faints, but decides to burn everything anyways. She sets the water elemental's hair on fire, which really irritates her.

Dude, she's covered in water what did you EXPECT.

All the other girls are lying around on the job while the monster approaches Mars threateningly, but then guess who shows up? That asshole with the white rose.

There is a place known as.... the Twilight Zone.

So after he sucks us all into a black hole, he draws his dagger, and asks Rei to sing one more time, before actually doing something useful, which is attacking the goddamn monster. Of course, this causes all of her hard-worked music to be ruined as the fish slaps the music stand, wetting all of her precious music sheets. Now she's pissed, and speaking in tongues, and she decides to summon up a Fire Soul Bird, turning her Ofuda into a pheonix which ignores the fact that this chick is made entirely of water.

Then all the energy gets returned, and Sailor Moon waves her stupid little stick around like a pretty princess.

Now that this is all wrapped up, it's time for the Arab dude to vanish again because that's just how he do. Oh, and everyone in the auditorium is awake, so it's time for her to do that Idol performance thing. Rei decides to steal everything the Moonlight Knight said as if she totally came up with it on her own, and does her final performance. Then there's singing, and panning shots of the crowd sitting there, listening. Then another shot of Rei singing, and a transition of her continuing to sing. I'm going to spare you and just spoil the rest: She keeps singing.

During the singing, you see the girls sitting around a campfire on the school grounds (that's legal?!), and Usagi and Rei have a little bonding moment where she suggests that maybe Rei is actually a hard worker. Then they go back and forth wanting to kill one another and the episode ends.

If only our schools would let us set things on fire on
school grounds.... that would be awesome.

So what have we learned? It's okay to be a self-centered egotistical prick, so long as you also happen to be the savior of  humanity.

... these life lessons suck.