Free! Episode 09 - Hesitant Loosen Up!

I've got a fever. And the only prescription is WHATEVER WILL KILL THIS SHOW WITH FIRE. FOR GOOD.

Yes, sure, it's definitely not the worst show in the world. It's also not terribly good either, with characters that have about as much character as a Jim Hensen puppeteer. That's right, not the puppets, the people controlling those puppets. Those nameless dudes.

Because Kermit de Frog is a hell of a lot more entertaining than watching these schmucks swim around in a pool. AGAIN.  (Disclaimer: I actually love the Muppets, so don't take that as a bash, but lots of folks do for some dumb reason. That said? As a Muppet he doesn't really have much character, aside from being a frog.)



So for those of you just tuning in, this is a show. About swimming. Where a bunch of guys throw off their clothes and go swimming. Don't worry if you've never watched this show before, because honestly all you've missed are just reasons for people to go swimming. In order to attempt to make up for the fact that they've tried to tie some sort of 'plot' into things (because I guess you can't have an anime without a plot of some kind), this episode is all about swimming. No, honest. We promise. That's why we've opened today's episode up with a bunch of guys swimming in a pool.

I hope you like watching man ass.

So Haru is doing the last leg of the relay, and he's pretty much kicking everyone's ass while Rin just kind of watches on in awe, and all his buddies cheer. Guess who wins? If you guessed team Haru, then you guessed right, because that's the whole point about this entire show: Regardless of your actual ability, and the training you endure, if you want something bad enough you just gotta reach out and grab it. Even if that's what the other seven guys you're sharing a pool with are intending to do. But they don't matter - they're just extras in your life anyway.

Turns out they'll be going to the Regionals anyways, and... NAGI FRIGGIN' MOUNTS HARU.

IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS EVER OKAY?!?!

I bet you thought I was joking. I WAS CLEARLY NOT.

Oh, then Rin has a flashback of that one time he was in a race with those guys and we are supposed to assume he grows a heart or some shit, because they spring the intro on us.

By the way, I'm going to guess that you've probably read all my complaints about just how really WEIRD the opening to this show is, compared with the actual content of the show. If you care to have a look, then go no further. Beware: It's pretty f***ing fab. Though not nearly as homoerotic as the ED.

Seriously. FREEDOM MACHINE. Do I need to say more?

So after the OP, guess who is the pride of the school? Yeah, those guys. Y'know, the dudes who formed a club like, not even a month ago and are already looking like they might make it to the national competitions.

Shit. I just realized: we might have to deal with them actually advancing to the Nationals. F**K. Maybe they can wrap that all up in the period of three episodes. We could only be so fortunate.

Oh, and then this happens:

You know your school loves you when they just slap
your club name on an old banner.

Somehow, the characters are having a hard time believing that they actually managed to win. I AM NOT ALONE. Then Haru spends all day flashbacking to the race, and just how much his teammates looked like they wanted to make out with him once he got out of that pool. After school, Haru goes missing, and Gou informs the others that they should focus on getting to the Nationals. Whee.

So that means its time for swim practice, and everyone that isn't Haru focuses on their chosen form. Oh, and it's about this time they realize Haru is already in the pool swimming because that's totally a thing he does.

May I just ask, why is it that every time Haru goes missing, everyone is all "he probably went home early" when, as his best friends, they should know HE WANTS TO SPEND EVERY MINUTE OF HIS LIFE IN THE WATER? You'd think they might stop being surprised by now.

So while Gou is practically slobbering over his already drenched pecs, the others are wondering what's up with Haru. Is he upset at losing the freeswim race? I would think that he probably just really likes to swim, but what do I know, I'm not like HIS BEST FRIENDS EVER. Of course, Haru is all like "I'm not motivated, I'm just swimming because I dunno what else to do."

GEE. WHO SAW THAT COMING.

Haru: Asking the elements for advice since Episode 1.

Then they just jump into the practice thing. Speaking of practice, sharkboy over at the other pool is still trying to pretend he is an actual person with real emotions. He should just go back to acting like he doesn't care about anything, because being a complete and utter dick suits him better. All this moping about does is piss me off even more, because they spent all that effort portraying him as a complete and utter DICKHAT and now they want you to like him so that he and Haru can run off at the end of the series and get married and adopt five dolphins or some shit.

GO AWAY, I AM HAVING A CASE OF THE FEELS.
WINNING, IT FEELS SO TERRIBLE FOR SOME REASON.

So little buddy there is like "man, you were so happy when you beat the shit out of your best frenemy, so now you can move on with your life" and he has this startling realization of some kind. Either he just got a serious hard-on, or he just discovered what a complete prick he has been ever since he got home. The Cap'n shows up and is all "yo, time to go", because they are heading... off... to the Hachiman festival.

Because praying to the god of water for victory is... y'know. A thing. I guess.

So all the boys get together at the festival wearing... whatever the male equivalent of the yukata is. Which, according to the internets... is a yukata. Well. Funny how that works out I guess. I should note only Rei and Nagi are wearing them, while Mako and Haru are in normal garb. So, I suppose you could make an argument about 'couples' and 'shipping' and I will just end that right there because the fangirls have enough yaoi-bait to nosebleed over as it is.

... then Nagi says something about what you should say when arriving early for a date.

AND YET. THEY WANT US TO BELIEVE THEY ARE CLEARLY STRAIGHT MEN.

See, I know this might be hard for some of you to understand, but I have nothing against gay people. Yes, I do throw it around quite a bit, sometimes in a negative manner, but my issue is not with the fact that the characters are gay. No, my issue is that they are not only in denial that they clearly ARE, but the fact that the show basically flaunts around the fact that they must be gay. Seriously. Like, just stop beating around the bush, because that shit isn't funny, it's a running gag that might have been amusing in another show that wasn't relying on that to be the pivotal crux of the entire show. That's not a running gag, that's just plain damned annoying.

Speaking of annoying...

How does this asshole deal with this kid?

I feel kind of bad for the kid. Seriously. He's best friends with an asshole because, presumably, nobody else will give him the time of day. For some reason, Rin decides he's probably too stupid to realize he actually kind of hates his guts? Which makes him all the more tragic when you think about it, because his 'best friend' really could care less about him. Yet, despite being such a colossal f***nugget you could observe that shit with the Hubble telescope, that is still the only person willing to put up with him.

But that would be giving this show way too much credit. Also, it would insinuate they had thought about character dynamics this much. Which they really can't have done. Honestly.

Oh, then he watches as four little boys meet up together, kind of like he used to do back in the days when he was just a whiny little bitch, as opposed to some lone wolf renegade with no heart.

Back at Team Haru, they are looking at all the cooked squid. And doing all of the other things you are pretty much required to do in your requisite slice-of-life festival episode. While Nagi is busy trying to educate Rei on all matters squid-related at the festival, Haru is... distracted.

NO, YOU CANNOT SWIM IN THIS HARU. YOU
CANNOT EVEN WADE IN IT.

Of course, Mako manages to keep his attention away from the water, by suggesting they shouldn't lose sight of the girls wearing yukata. By which I of course mean Rei and Nagi.

Then there's some guys catching live squid in a wading pool, and Gou shows up with... some girl? They're also wearing yukata, because they are girls and in an anime so therefore they will always be wearing yukata because that is a law of anime. I think that girl is her nameless friend. Or if she ever got a name, nobody ever cared because she's shown up like, two other times this entire show, so whatever.

Gou is the manliest of the entire group. Seriously.

So the group decides to go eat some squid or something. I guess this entire festival is squid-based. So they debate on what kind of squid they should eat. Meanwhile at the shrine, those other guys are busy wrapping up their prayers, and Rin just casually tries to ditch his tagalong, which doesn't work. I was half expecting him to grab Rin's arm when he caught up because that is how clearly effeminate this guy is.

CHRIST WE GET IT. SQUID.

Rei eventually notices Rin with his tagalong, casually wandering around the festival, and he kind of nudges Nagi and draws his attention to shark-mouth's hot date.

Seriously, this guy is like that girl who won't get a clue.

They decide to keep it a secret from Haru and Mako that those two just happen to be wandering the festival, and do everything they can to distract them away, including using super-secret wink signals to tell Mako to get him away from here or do whatever it is they are suggesting no matter how completely idiotic it might sound. Somehow Mako actually understands this, and he drags Haru off to "find a place to sit".

Really? Because I could swear you were just trying
to get into his trunks.

Clearly they can't let him run across Rin, because then Haru might decide to totally ditch the Regionals. This means it is up to Nagi to come up with the most brilliant plan in the universe: To have Rei follow Rin around, to let Nagi know where he is.

The sheer amount of stupid coming out of this show is just unreal at this point. Like, we are approaching Sailor Moon levels of dumb here. Like, we are way past stupid, and coming up on the border of Negasense. It's a thing, damnit. It's a thing that I made up and I am sticking with it to showcase how STUPID ALL OF THIS IS.

Sayonara, Zetsubo Rei-sei.

Moments later, Nagi is busy selling a raft of shit about Rei winding up having found someone he knew and totally hanging out with them instead of with the rest of the guys. Because, y'know, they're squares or some such. Haru isn't even allowed to go get drinks, so they leave Haru at the table by himself to get drinks.

At this point, Nagi straight up tells Mako what is going on. Rin is at the festival. They need to keep Rin and Haru apart, or he might just quit on them or something. Oh, and Rei is off following him.

By the way? Rei is seriously doing the hard-boiled detective thing. I thought he was all horrified by this, but he does what he always does - jumps in with both feet and with zero regard to how utterly ridiculous the thing he is doing happens to be.

No, you cannot be Kamen Rider W. Sorry.

... but that won't stop you from trying anyways.

I seem to have a talent for setting up these kinds of scenarios without knowing what is going to happen next. It's like they are IN MY BRAIN or something. Or I've seen so many slice-of-life shows that I just happen to be able to tell what is going to be coming up. Although, I never, EVER would have seen the whole putting on a mask thing. That just makes the timing of the Kamen Rider reference ALL THAT MORE TIMELY.

Meanwhile, Nagi is trying to win a game console, while checking in with his new bestest stalker buddy. Haru has to go to the bathroom! Oh, but he can't go over that way because that is where Rin happens to be. Of course, he can't tell him that, but he respectfully requests that he "hold it in a little longer". Mako swoops in with the save, suggesting a porta-potty might be nearby instead.

These are totally the worst best friends ever. But then again, I could just say that hey, I just described the entire show. Worst Best Friends Ever. It would be a hell of a lot more descriptive than Free!.

Then Mako... follows him to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Rin finally manages to suggest that his little buddy there can basically go f**k off, because he can go back if he wants to, Rin is gonna do whatever he wants to do. Which finally gives this guy some pause. Maybe.... maybe Rin doesn't actually like him?

Rei continues following Rin, and Haru is super amazing at that water balloon thing for some reason. He hands all his balloons off to some kids, and while he does that Mako and Nagi check in with Rei. Turns out, their old buddy-turned-dickwad is off to their old elementary school. Why? F**k if I know.

So Rin is all standing there looking at the tree he left his pals at back in the day, which overlooks the pool, and he looks miserable as shit, with him doing all that flashback to the past stuff, remembering the days when he used to do things like cheering for his buddies, because that's something a friend does. Also, something a team player does.

For whatever reason, Rin decides to feel all emotionally distraught over this whole thing, and even chokes back some tears before running off despite the fact that nobody is watching. Oh, and then Rei vanishes, and Haru is wondering what Nagi has been up to this entire time. Welp, guess the secret's out. And Haru gives precisely two shits, given that it is not directly related to SWIMMING IN SOMETHING RIGHT THIS MINUTE. So Rei can come on back, because you're kind of a jerk for having all the fun without him this entire time.

Next Mako brings Haru a drink as they look down over the festival below, and Haru is doing his usual stoic silence thing, but then he breaks the ice by telling Haru about what it was like doing relays back in the day, and how he really just wanted to swim relays with him because that was kind of a cool thing. Then Haru starts feeling all weird, and is like "man, I don't need a reason to swim", but then he gets all bothered by Rin saying they'd never swim together again, and how that one statement caused him to suffer a crisis of self-worth like Simon after Kamina died. Except, y'know, nobody died here. Oh, but seeing everyone else swim totally snapped him out of it, so he decided to just kind of go with it, since they wanted to do the relay.

That caused him to remember the feeling of seeing everyone waiting for him at the finish line, which made him super happy. Then Nagi and Rei show up to hear that, and now they have discovered the power of friendship. Believe in the me that believes in you etc etc, you don't need skill or even talent to win a swim match, you just need to want to swim in a team with your best buds that break into your house all the time. And break in on you taking a bath. Casually.

Oh, and Rei gets Mako some new goldfish, which makes him sound like he totally wants to just cry over it. Then they try to come up with names for the fish, which fails.

Rin gets back to his team, and he's decided. He's gotta talk to the captain. What about, you ask?

Oh nooo, what a tweeeeest.

Then the dubstep starts up and Haru does that deer-in-the-headlights look again, and then they end the episode with everybody's favorite characters dressing up as Arabian princesses in the desert. Seriously. In case you haven't seen it, let's just put it right up here for your viewing (dis)pleasure.

And finally, I just have to say: For a guy who spends his entire time crying out to the world how happy he is to never swim with someone again, he spends an awful lot of time trying to swim with him.

This show would be so much better with actual substance. Or hell, just characters you can possibly give a shit about. But hey, at least we have half naked men, right?

Right?