Sailor Moon R Episode 07 - Mamoru and Usagi's Babysitting Mayhem

I was seriously considering not posting anything today. Mostly because I'm just really tired and there's the fact that my new job pretty much has my schedule all turned upside down. And the fact that I haven't been able to prepare these ahead of time just yet.

Then I remembered what happened the LAST TIME I decided not to update on schedule.

IT DID NOT END WELL FOR ANYONE INVOLVED.

Right. So where were we in this show? Something about a Tuxedo Arab who may or may not just be a figment of someone's imagination, who still somehow manages to keep the main character safe, despite the fact that should should have died from asphyxiation. Due to forgetting to do that thing called 'breathing'. Also, some aliens came down to Earth and decided Tokyo was prime for sucking up all the energy, and also for banging hot people that aren't your weird clone-twin-sibling.

Yeah. That's a thing.

So in this episode? They continue the trend of lowering the ages of people to be put in danger.

Now I'm really sure they're sending the wrong message.

Anyway some crazy bitch is stealing energy from babies. That is literally the entire plot of this episode. They are only seven episodes in, and they are already scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas.

Now, you might recall my thoughts regarding absorbing the energy from children. But now? This is just... there aren't even words to describe this now. Babies. Really? I mean, let's face it, the adults aren't giving you much of a challenge, now you have to involve BABIES as the main thing to be attacked?

This is pretty low in terms of filler episodes. Still not nearly as bad as, say, Naruto's  Filler Hell, but this is pretty close to fart, shit, and piss jokes. Which comprised 90% of Filler Hell. The other 10% was flippy ninja shit. (Note: If you are going to make a show all about doing flippy ninja shit, you should have more than 10% of the show devoted to that very thing. Just saying.)

So onto the show. It begins with a baby crying. And other babies doing cute baby things. Oh, and the evil people going "BABIES MUST DIE." So they immediately jump to picking a card, talking all soft as though the babies will somehow hear them. Or even if they could, that they could somehow understand them. They're babies bro, I think you got this.

So they immediately hop to summoning today's monster: Amaterasu. Yes, I'm well aware the subs probably misspelled it as "Amaderasu". Frankly, I'm inclined to believe that they are, in fact, summoning an ancient Japanese goddess. Because that shit kind of makes sense. Oh look at this. So it's not a misspelling, it's actually intentionally spelled that way. Even though their d's sound a lot like t's. Whatever.

So it's a happy day at Juban Nursery school, and who comes to visit? Ami and Usagi. Then there's an evil light and our not-a-goddess shows up in what has got to be the most anticlimactic arrival scene ever.

You know how there's all those millions of parodies where something happens, and the characters are all "oh man is it X"? and the thing shows up and is like "raaugh"? Well, imagine that parody actually being the real thing that happens in a show that is not supposed to be a parody at all. Welcome to Sailor Moon.

Look at how excited she is to be here.

So she lets out her hair or something which goes around sucking up the energy from the babies, and the girls are all just standing there, watching as everyone in the nursery school gets drained. Energy gotten, the monster laughs and immediately vanishes.

Something useful would be a start.

Oh but one of the babies miraculously avoided being sucked dry, and then Mamoru runs up suddenly, telling the girls to call an ambulance. Why is he suddenly showing up? Who knows. What's more is, why isn't he freaking out over this whole monster floating in the sky thing and then vanishing? Who knows.

Then the ambulance scene just casually happens, and everyone goes along for the ride, and we pop back over to the Doom Tree where Ali is all laughing about how easy it was to get energy from babies.

Y'know, it's always a lot easier when the heroes just kind of sit there and let you do whatever. That's usually the best way to get away with things, really. So they decide they should do some more of this.

Perception Fail: They were there the whole time you dolts.

Oh but now they decide they should be more careful in the near future. As if that wasn't pretty obvious. Anyway, the babies bounce back pretty quickly, and should be out in a week, and the mom that got drained is gonna be down for the next 3 days. Of course, the baby that is perfectly okay doesn't have anyone to watch it during that time - it's dad is away on some trip or whatever, so guess who gets to babysit? If you didn't guess Mamoru and Usagi, then please, email me: I have a bridge for sale that you might be interested in.

So Mammy boy is all like "I'll do it!" and Ami is like "You require that takes effort right?"

No shit. You realize he's like, ten years older than you, right?

Right, so the baby can apparently understand every word that Ami says, because we get to hear her thoughts. Oh holy christ it's one of THOSE. Suddenly we're back in the '90s, and we're watching Look Who's Talking, except replace John Travolta with like, Bob Saget. No, that's too high class. His character's brother from Full House. No, not Joey. That other dude. Yeah. Him. Oh god Full House. Also, did you know there was a third LWT movie? Except in the third one it was the pets. Yeah, I liked it better when they just called it Homeward Bound.

Anyways, Usagi and Mamoru start playing with the baby and she's all getting blushy because daww babies and a guy she likes. Eventually they just spend all night making faces at the baby, until Mamoru decides its time to send her home.

Casually taking strange children home? No problem!

Instead of going home, she decides to stick around. And just casually plop down right beside him while he's holding the baby, to kind of start working her mack magic. Mackgic? Man I don't even know. Because it sure as hell isn't Mojo we're dealing with here.

Please tell me she can't hear the baby thinking.

So remember that thing where the younger you are in this world, the smarter you appear to be? Well I guess everyone is born a friggin' genius, because this kid is not even a year old and clearly understands complex human relationships better than the ADULT in the room.

He glares at her though, and she realizes oh hey, she's alone in some guy's room. Then the baby cries and Usagi fails at warming milk for the baby, who seems to not want to eat. So she decides to just casually suck on the bottle. You do know that's for the baby... oh wait, I forgot you are one. Carry on!

Seriously.

The baby reveals that her diaper is wet, but hey, nobody is gonna notice that I bet. Until Mamoru takes a look and Usagi begins wondering if the baby has somehow contracted measles or the chicken pox. Literally. What?

Then she tries to change the diaper and is somehow surprised by what she sees when she takes the baby's diaper off. But she is a girl so why would she be surprised? I just don't even understand this show. How can you possibly be so hopelessly inept at everything in life?

Literally the first penis she has ever seen.

So the next several seconds are dedicated to showing us bare naked baby penii and blue baby ass. No, seriously, that shit is bruise blue. So once the diaper is changed, the baby cries more. You literally just put the thing on and now you think he's somehow peed already? Oh dear god.

The brat gets fed, and she feels the need to insinuate that maybe he has already had a baby of his own once. Even though she should clearly know this is not the case? Considering she knows more about him than he knows about himself. But hey, we're expecting consistency in this show, right?

Then they decide to try teaching the baby to talk and walk. Which is clearly going to end in failure, because the people looking after this child are complete idiots. Eventually Usagi leaves in a huff, and she begins to question whether such a jackass is really worth pursuing.

Gee I don't know, he only kind of helped destroy your kingdom, treated you like shit on your second go around, and tried to kill you on his third life. There's never been anything substantial there to begin with, and it's only now you begin to question whether this is a good idea?

So, commercial break I guess. When we return, Usagi has somehow gotten out of bed on a sunday before the cat, and is spending it walking around with Mamoru and the baby. Oh, and someone just happens to see all this going down.

I think you mean Unbelievable.

Immediately after Mako and Mina show up, and Rei is all "whoa when'd you have his baby?"

Do you... do you even know what sex involves?

Ami somehow decides to jump in on all the fun too, even though... she's the only one that knows what's going on? I guess they're just having too much fun making their friend look like a complete idiot in front of that guy she likes. Also, forcing her to pretty much deny that she even likes him in that way, despite pining over a dude that could give two shits about her general well-being.

While there, Ami decides to tell her to show up at the shrine at some point, since they're gonna try to find out where the next evil badguy is going to show up. Because I guess the whole computer thing is beyond Ami in this episode, despite clearly pinpointing a specific pattern based on a single attack from last episode. Again, consistency. Who needs it?

So all the girls are together watching Rei play in front of the fire, and they discover this card is based off the Sun. If you know anything about Amaterasu, you're not surprised. If you don't, then, well, look it up on your own time I guess.

Oh, and Rei gives us a crash course in Tarot meanings regarding the Sun card, and the girls wonder what kind of relationship Usagi has with Mamoru.

I believe the correct term is "nonexistent".

Then she storms off when asked if they're just going to be 'friends' forever. Because that's clearly the important thing here right? Besides, asking a teenage girl to make up her mind is like asking a woman if she'd rather have cake or ice cream. Because both are really goddamn tasty, and she'll never be able to figure out which is better. Except in Usagi's case, she wants to have a relationship that is nothing like an actual relationship. Oh, but she wants to have said relationship with a guy who doesn't even like her.

... that is distressingly normal.

Anyway, Rei proclaims she'll find the Cardian when it appears next, and then Mamoru is pouring milk into a bottle, while the baby is emptying a box of kleenex. Then En shows up and is all like "hay I herd u got a beby an I wanna doooo youuuu."

You'd like his hands to be full wouldn't you.

Clearly, the baby hates this chick, and won't stop crying no matter what. So maybe his diaper is wet. Time to change that while Mamoru gets the milk ready. Nope, not wet. Her face is now, however.

... I am suddenly forced to redact everything I just mentioned earlier about Naruto's Filler Hell. Because we are reaching those levels with frightening speed. In fact, we may be close to exceeding them just by sheer virtue of the disturbingly well animated stream of piss that slaps her in the face.

You realize he is clearly quite gay at this point, right?

Immediately after she picks the baby up again, who, despite sucking on a bottle, still somehow manages to pee on her face. AGAIN.

So then we get into literal baby-tossing, and she gets fed up and decides to leave - just as Usagi shows up. Cue the melodrama machine.

One, you're volunteering, two, you don't have a relationship
to be basing any of this shit on.

Oh, but he feels the need to somehow explain himself to her, because that's what manly men in Japan do or something. Even though there's really nothing to misunderstand here. But Usagi gets all huffy and decides to leave anyways.

Capable of making rational decisions? Who are you,
and what have you done with the real Usagi?

Anyway she is about to storm out, but before she can, the baby surprises everyone. By suddenly having pants again.

No, seriously, how the f**k did you get those pants on.

So the baby starts walking towards them and blah blah it's the most epic baby walk cycle repeating you will ever see. Walks over to the tissue box, and prepares to empty it out, which causes them to dance for joy like idiots just as Ami walks in.

You know, I am beginning to suspect the Japanese are very lax when it comes to home security, because it seems like just anybody can walk in any time they damn well please. Anyhow, Ami decides to let Usagi know that the monster has shown up again, so it's time to be heroes or some shit, and end this thing since there's less than five minutes left.

So Amaderasu shows up screaming her name and prepares to suck up the energy, but Sailor Mars (and friends) show up to stop her, and proceed with attacking her because that's just how they're gonna roll this episode. So she proceeds to react by... putting all the babies in bubbles, and surrounding herself with them.

Oh but then we get Sailor Moon's transformation sequence, because nobody else can get it, but she gets hers because her name just happens to be in the show's title. Anybody else notice how the most useless character is the one that gets all the face time? Oh, but guess who else gets her sequence? SAILOR MERCURY. Screw all the first responders, or the people that will actually get shit done, because both Moon and Mercury are immediately immobilized by hair, which drains their energy away. How tragic.

Enter the white rose that inexplicably saves them yet a-f***ing-gain. Prince Ali, Fabulous He, Ali-Ababa shows up and talks about how Sundays are peaceful days of rest and he won't allow a monster to go running amok. He will, instead, however, talk about how monsters suck and then proceed to do nothing about the monster itself, despite clearly having the power to do just that.

So somehow the babies are freed, which lets the girls act again or something. Mercury throws up a new bubble move which freezes the enemy in place, surprising everyone else. Including me for the reason.

That is the lamest trigger for a powerup ever.

Oh, and I guess Sailor Moon gets to purify her now since the enemy is just casually floating in the air encased in a block of ice. No rush there. Then she gets cleansed blah blah babies crying and the Shah of Shameless Rip-offs heads out.

Then the baby's mom is out of the hospital and she's all "thanks for taking care of my kid, free childcare rocks". And just because this show doesn't give a shit, the baby decides to just say Mamoru and Usagi's names as they are saying goodbye - because hey, why the f**k not. Oh, he also manages to say bye-bye.

The mom regards this as perfectly normal behavior for a baby. And walks away.

Cue the idiotic cheering of the couple that isn't, and roll credits.

They could have had a nice little bonding moment there. Instead? They just say "Yattai!" and end the episode.

I'm going to sleep now. Because that is the only legitimate response to watching this show. Besides drinking. Or getting hit in the head repeatedly.

How could they justify intentionally making something this level of bad. HOW?!