Sailor Moon R Episode 09 - Is Seijuro the Moonlight Knight? Mako Falls in Love

One of these days, when I'm feeling not entirely all that lazy (re: probably no time soon), I'm going to go through and compile a list of every single sin committed by this show. No, I'm not talking the Cardinal ones (though those will likely be included in the list). I'm talking about things like incest, beastiality, necrophilia... you know, the usual stuff. Every time someone in this show does something morally reprehensible. Then, I'm going to make a running list of good guys versus bad guys, and find out just who is really the more questionable of the two.

I hope to be pleasantly surprised by those findings. By which I mean to say, I really hope to find that the heroes are even more f***ed up than the villains.

And since we're talking about hopes and expectations, I'm going to go ahead and set mine pretty low for tonight, because let's face it - we're nearing the end of a relatively blase filler arc. And really, how good could that possibly be?

I think I might have questioned once why it is I still sit through the full openings, but completely skip the endings. The best I've managed to come up with is that it somehow mentally prepares me for the absolute shitfest that I'm about to endure. Either that, or it's just to get my mind in the mood of "oh god why am I about to watch this".

Six of one half a dozen of the other I suppose.

So in today's episode: Ali plays the flute, the Moonlight Knight appears, and some bullshit about Mako and love and making bentos for Ali. Why? Because it's clearly Mako's turn to get her power up before the filler arc ends, seeing as how everybody else has.

What's the best way to open this episode? Why with a thirty second montage of Sir Moonlight Knight! Riding camels in the desert and everything.

You ain't never had a friend like me.

So who is daydreaming about this manly stud? Mako and Ami, that's who. But mostly Mako. Becuase... he reminds her of a dude that totally snubbed her when she was younger.

Then Umino shows up to give Naru a lunch box filled with fried shrimp, much to her dismay, while Ami and Mako just kind of look on.

You know, I'm sure that's always been a 'thing' in Japan.

Poor Mako hasn't made any lunches for guys in a long time, and then they are so very disappointed that Usagi didn't show up to sit around and daydream with them about who the Moonlight Knight could possibly be. Oh darn.

Unlike any episode that has ever aired before, Usagi is late for school and forgot her lunch. Then she gets yelled at for not doing her homework, and also sleeping in class. So now she's stupid, tired, and sleepy, which is an incredibly dangerous combination in my books. Also, her teacher is jealous of students who are making lunches for one another.

Look, okay. I get it. Love is a huge part of this show. But oh dear god, why are the teachers looking at their students like that?

That is one shifty-eyed looking character.

Then Usagi sits and watches as Umino tries to force feed Naru (who may or may not be his girlfriend at this point) nothing but fried shrimp for some reason that just manages to elude me. There's now way she could break up this happy couple's moment however, so she's going to go bug Mako for her lunch instead, because she's always such a kind, considering, sharing sort of gal, right?

Speaking of, moments after she leaves Mako and Ami arrive on the scene, and hey, there's some dude playing  a flute while all the girls are all swooning over him. Who could it possibly be? Certainly not the only established character who has ever been shown to play such a thing. Certainly not him.

Of all the places you could play a flute, you choose
to do it in front of a piano. Why?

So of course Ami and Mako go to check this out. They aren't all that interested in swooning, even if he does happen to like music, like some senior that once told her to take a hike. Which is about all she really needs to start considering swooning over him.

Then Ami, being the incredible genius that she is, makes a startling connection: Seijuro transferred in the same time that the Moonlight Knight showed up. What a coincidence! You know what's an even bigger coincidence? That two siblings showed up at the same time two twin aliens showed up and started sucking the city dry. But, you know, for a girl who can establish a pattern based on a single event, I'm sure that's a really easy mistake for her to make.

So now Mako starts thinking about how he could be the Moonlight Knight, and he wraps up his song, only to tell his crowd of adoring fangirls he's too cool for lunch.

F***ing hipsters man.

Then he goes to walk off and passes by Mako who gets her heart going aflutter, and now she starts daydreaming because that's what she does. In her dream he's all eating her lunches and turning into Arabic princes. So she's asking Ami to leave the investigation to her! Not that there was ever an investigation really insinuated, merely a casual observation...

But hey, things like facts and logic are too cool for this show. Because it's all about love man. Before it was cool, that is.

So I guess the female student body literally has nothing better to do than follow him around literally everywhere. Every step he takes. Like some poorly programmed video game AI that follows the exact path you take. He eventually gets fed up and just turns a corner and jumps up to the roof to get away. Of course, Mako happens to see him suddenly up on the roof, and then her brain starts to make some connections. The wrong ones entirely, of course, but hey, this is a show about villains and heroes falling in love and shit.

Cut to him playing the flute on the roof again by himself, because I guess that's our main focus today, his flute playing skills, and complaining about lunches. Then Mako shows up to tell him what the deal is with everyone trying to give him lunch. It's because they like him. And possibly want to have his babies.

Meanwhile, Ami is clearly not listening to a single thing Mako said, and is in fact doing her own magical technological investigations. Which is to say, she's using a computer to bullshit an answer.

It's amazing that not only did you get him to pose for that
photo, but that you needed a computer to tell you this.

Then Usagi shows up to beg Ami for her lunch, only to find that she has already eaten it all, and then passes out just because.

Meanwhile on the roof, Mako is terrifying the local alien with her cuisine, and possibly bullying him into forcing it down his gullet.

Draining energy from kids and babies, that's cool.
Loving your sister, okay. But THIS is where you draw the line?!

While he puzzles over the mystery of the squid food, Mako gets right down to business, asking if he likes white roses, because subtlety is really her thing.

Oh my god you are the worst investigator possible
please stop talking now.

He then eats the food, and discovers what human food tastes like for the first time.

There are no words for this.

Then he wants to have more. So he begins to help himself while his sister looks on, and Mako starts talking about THAT GUY WHO WAS A SHITTY BOYFRIEND. Of course, Ali is a complete numbskull like everyone else in this show, so he asks what's the big deal about lunches anyways, and Mako has to explain the mundane concept of DOING THINGS FOR PEOPLE YOU LIKE to him. As if we're trying to tell our children, hey, this is an acceptable manner of expressing your feelings to another human being. Also, it's okay to fall in love with people who abuse you. Or are way too old for you. Or who happen to lie all the time.

Real subtle foreshadowing there, kiddo.

Finally, his sister walks over and... oh god.

Even taken in context, WHAT THE F**K.

So then Mako gets all up in her face, blah blah angry about her cooking being insulted, dude is stuffing his face paying no attention, now she decides to notice his sister is jealous. Which causes him to choke and she just kind of freaks out, while he literally turns his natural color.

Bro, your natural skin complexion is showing through.

And we get a commercial break. Afterwards, we get to see Usagi is still getting yelled at for sleeping through the entire school day, and she looks pretty dead, which is an improvement over her natural state. Of course, Luna finally shows up with her lunch, and it won't take long for that to get devoured.

Elsewhere, En is getting all bent out of shape because Ali ate human food. She goes on to say he has "defiled our world, where our beautiful love is nurtured by the Doom Tree's energy!"

First of all, what? Second of all... what? But Mako shows up to see if he wants to walk home, and En gets all bent out of shape and walks off alone, clearly angry. So Mako takes this opportunity to ask about his sister, but he decides to ask about the whole 'lunch' and 'liking' thing, and how they're related. Almost like he has absolutely no idea how this shit works.

So En reveals her TRUE FORM and decides to get up to something, looking all glowy and shit. Elsewhere, Usagi is stuffing her face and freaking out about the fact that not only is Mako on a maybe a date with some dude, but said dude might possibly be the Moonlight Knight? Well she just can't be having that, now can she? Usagi needs to have all the men, so she decides to go running after her friend, to break up any possibility of a happy ending.

You are so dumb it's astounding.

Regardless of whether or not she likes the dude, she can't stand someone else trying to be happy, so off she goes to once again denounce the evils of truth and love. Not to enforce them, but to outright destroy them. I wish this was the first time this had happened, but it's really not. I also doubt it will be the last.

Like herpes and syphilis, yes.

Insert dick joke here.

Blowjobs.

I could sit here and do this all night. But I won't.

Mako thinks it's sad that he thinks love is something that you take by force.

F***ing animals is wrong!

Then En shows up to teach Mako a lesson and force pushes her to the ground, stepping on her lunch and telling her she doesn't deserve to talk about love... because... she's human?

... welcome back to Negasense. It's been awhile, but we've found our way here again.

So Mako has absolutely no right to talk about a human concept because... she is human.

I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

....

Moment over. Moving on.

Then she gets force blasted again and barely manages to stand while Usagi and Ami arrive on scene. What's Usagi do? Freak out! Oh noes, her friend is getting attacked by an alien! Again! What should she do? Definitely not that thing she has literally done over FIFTY TIMES now.

You would think she'd get the concept by this point.

You can't even make the bullshit excuse about her mind getting wiped because they completely retconned that at the start of this season. So she literally has no excuse for acting this way, except because the plot demands she be completely and utterly incompetent.

After the transformation, Mako gets all pissed off because that bitch done stepped on my lunch box. But before En can finish her off, Sailor Moon appears all enraged because this bitch went and ruined the date she was totally going to ruin herself. Then Ali shows up to do his thing and make out with his sister in front of everybody, and to lock them all in some weird black vortex thingy while they prepare to play children's card games. Today's monster? Utonberino.

I don't even know, so don't bother asking. He plays the flute and then this thing comes out.

Damn kids and their Halloween costumes get more
and more out of hand every year.

So today's monster is a little girl in a torn ballerina outfit sporting dreads and a conductor's wand.

... I think I am literally going to find a corner to go cry in now.

So the monster headbangs and goes around blowing up the playground, and Mercury gets Mako out of things since she is incapable of doing anything more useful. But now she's safe and angry about the whole lunch thing, so she transforms into Sailor Jupiter. Funny how Mercury didn't get a transformation sequence. So now suddenly the other two girls are ready to fight, and the aliens are just kind of sitting around, completely amused by this whole ordeal.

I decided to take a moment to look up this week's monster, because I was really confused. There was no way there wasn't some sort of theme going on here, some obscure reference I just wasn't getting. And this is what I found. Her weapon is a chopstick. And her name is an unholy amalgamation of different foods found in a bento box.

So, quite literally, this is a food fight. In every. Sense. Of the word.

What throws me off most about this? The enemies specifically chose this monster. First of all, it's weird enough that they have a MONSTER related to FOOD - something that is supposedly too good for them, being ALIENS. But the fact that they decided to unleash it here at this point in time because of a food grudge? That is just...

I'm beginning to question if they're really even interested in beating their opponents, given their track record of wins versus losses against the Sailor Scouts.

So after getting electrocuted by Mako, the monster literally takes a moment to wash her goddamn hair. Yes, you read that right: SHE WASHES HER HAIR MID-FIGHT.

And her masters give zero shits about this.

If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that bottle she's holding was actually a part of her character design. As in, the only reason she HAS that as a part of her design is because the artists knew she was going to be electrocuted and would need to wash her hair.

Is this what an aneurysm feels like? Because my head is really starting to hurt. After powering up, she fires a seaweed cannon, and Jupiter is unable to get her attack off again before getting wrapped up herself. Then she proceeds to put Sailor Moon and Mercury into a giant seaweed ball, and tosses them over in the fountain.

Then the Moonlight Knight shows up to free Jupiter, because he's kind of been sitting around hoping they'd figure this shit out on their own, but that never happens so he has to say something incredibly corny about what true love is like it actually has some bearing on the situation at hand.

This moving speech is enough to give Jupiter her powered-up attack: Supreme Thunder Dragon.

Then Venus and Mars finally show up to chase the aliens off and free the other two, so all that's left is to deal with the monster, which is Sailor Moon's job. Since, y'know, she doesn't ever do anything else useful other than deliver the finishing blow to each enemy.

Then the Cardian becomes a card again, and the aliens slip off so that the Moonlight Knight can congratulate them. Oh, and tell them all that someday, they'll learn who he really is.

Then Jupiter talks about how not being the person she thought he was just so happens to be exactly like that one guy.

Meanwhile, at Chateau de Villain...

No. That's how we express hate. Seething, burning hatred.

Ali made En a lunch. Which is less of a lunch and more of just a bunch of shit piled on top of other shit.

Not even touching that one.

I'm thinking of taking up drinking. Why? Because I'm likely to kill fewer brain cells that way.