Master of Martial Hearts Episode FINAL - Flames

I kind of dread this, you know.

It's that kind of dread because of what people keep telling you: "Just wait till the end!" or "Please survive till the end!" or "If you watch nothing else, watch the final episode!"

... yeah I'm actually kind of concerned for my safety at this point.

So, ladies and gents, I give to you... the final episode of Master of Martial Hearts.

God help me.

As usual, they begin with the shitty intro. To maybe make you forget this is the final episode or something. Either that or they decided "damn it we made this intro and we are going to use it as much as we possibly can!" Which is a grand total of four times but really? It's a good thing this only lasted this long because otherwise I might have to f***ing murder some bitches over how goddamned ANNOYING this intro is.

But let's see if they pick up where they  left off - getting beat up by that fortune teller chick.

Oh, and today's title? Just great. Absolutely fantastic. "Flames". That's it. That's the entire title of the final episode of their show. Flames. That's... distressingly short. Almost like they just gave up at the last minute or something and gave it a random name.

So it begins, and the scene is BLADE RUNNER. I mean, DARKTIME IN THE CITY. Which... looked like the power is out or something across the city I dunno.

Is there not one single working light in this entire city??

Hell look at the bridge in the background, even THAT is without power. What is this, the great Japanese power shutdown of mid 2005? Then a KICK ACROSS A ROOFTOP and suddenly we have power.

Where were these lights ten seconds ago?!

So blah blah evil lady can read minds and will always win no matter what and boy lookit dem panties. And she's all "there must be some way out of this right?" as if to prove that she can somehow read Aya's mind, but people you do not have to be a mind reader to figure out this is a load of horse shit. This is just her being a dick. I don't think she can read minds at all.

But leave it up to Aya flashing back to telling Natsume about the championship bout and how she'll totally never lose. Because y'know, she needs a pep talk to remember mid-battle. Though it seems that Natsume didn't come to cheer her on, so what happened?

Though Fortune lady is all "yeah there you go blame your friend for not cheering you on" and it's like, what the hell are you on about lady? This seems to have some kernel of truth though, since Aya gets mad and stuff, and fortune lady is all talking about how people like shifting the blame to someone other than themselves and blah blah she is just so perfect amirite?

Aya doesn't want to admit that she feels this way though, and I guess they're just going to sit here and talk about shit for some reason. Looks like we're in for another flashback though, where we get to learn... uh, sort of that I guess she beat up an entire school to 'protect her friends' and wound up terrifying them or something as a result? Oh okay.

I guess this is a great time to remind us why Aya got involved with this thing in the first place. Yawwwn. Can we move on already?

Oh good christ now she's talking about false morality and WHY ARE YOU MONOLOGUING TO THIS GIRL TRYING TO TEACH HER A LESSON I MEAN SHE IS JUST GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS. But no, she's just got to keep f***ing talking. About how her being friends with Miko the miko is just her trying to make herself feel better even though it's not a bad thing to feel pity for someone else for acting like you used to? And how having sympathy and compassion are pointless evil emotions, because they're self-serving.

Good god she just will not shut up. SHUT UP ALREADY! Jesus.

IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO GET TO THIS STATEMENT?!

Four minutes. Four. F***ing. Minutes. OF MONOLOGUE. And this is your payoff? That she secretly likes to beat the shit out of things? Seriously? This is where you are going with all of that crap? Why didn't you just start with that?! It would have been way better way to mindf**k her, and saved us all this time! YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH THIS ARGUMENT AUGHGEWIHT_# TO I@JG*$#T

AND SHE STILL. WON'T. STOP. TALKING! OH MY GOD.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET ON WITH IT!

OH BUT NO. WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. IN THE THREE SECONDS YOUR EYES WERE CLOSED SHE STOOD UP AND STARTED GOING SUPER SAIYAN.

Creepy green aura is close enough for this show.

Lightning strikes and now fortune teller starts to FREAK OUT. WHAT IS THIS? WHY DOES SHE HATE ME SO MUCH?

I dunno maybe because you spent five f***ing minutes talking when you should have just crushed her throat and been done with it? Holy f**k lady. Holy f**k.

*commence flipping of desks*

OH NOES WHAT IS WITH THIS GIRL. WHY CAN SHE NO LONGER READ HER MIND. IT IS SO FULL OF DARKNESS. Then lightning hits her or something and Aya punches and the other lady screams and Miko steps out of a  car as blood flows and, well, y'know. Happy times commence.

Would you like to be my neighbor?

Enough is enough though and Miko is like "yo dude serious? It's over." And she smiles and Aya is like "uh, hi. I guess?" And Miko picks up her pal's phone to discover that congrats, a winner is you!

It's such a happy little victory screen.

So it's time to go now that she's won. But where to? Dunno. She got her wish, Aya won and now Miko is back so they should go do things right? OH WAIT HANG ON CREEPY MUSIC AND A NEW TITLE SLIDE WHAT.

Wait what why? How? For what purpose?

It's not even halfway through the episode and they spring this on us. FOR NO REASON. It gets smaller and then ZOOM IN TO SOME BUILDING. THEN LOOK UP AND SEE THE TOP. And then an elevator dings and the two pals arrive at the place Miko wanted to bring her.

Oh hey, guess the teacher is there looking all beaten the shit out of. And under some kind of weird glowy glow.

She looks oddly happy for some reason.

Miko reveals that she can't really hear her anymore, and Aya is all "wait you just watched this shit?" Then we get to see the lady lying down naked and hear some weird noise and blood comes out of her mouth. What the hell are we supposed to infer from that exactly?

Oh but it's not just the teacher, but everyone else that Aya wound up defeating.

There are only four recognizable people we've actually MET
in this show, and three of them drowned.

So it turns out that this is the 'business' side to Platonic Heart, where the strong women who lose are... sold or something. But not before they are made to go totally crazy or something? I guess some people like collecting women like this.

Uh... what? An incredibly minute segment of an already
very niche market? This seems idiotic.

I am well aware that there are some folks who are into sex slaves. I get it, there's a huge industry for that. What I don't understand is why you would need to make women beat one another to a pulp, take the losers, and then sell them. Why even bother? Why not just... I dunno, drug them to begin with? This is counter-intuitive to your project I would think.

Also THREE OF THEM DROWNED.

Oh and that lady sucks Miko's finger without even being prompted like a good little sex doll.

Uh, what now?

But oh the sudden plot twist! Miko was in on this from the start, because she just really wanted Aya to participate.

... as far as plot twists go, I suppose there are worse ones. This one, admittedly, makes a somewhat credible amount of sense, though... holy shit is it still pretty ham-handed.

Oh, but Miko just wanted her to compete so she could know her sin.

The flight attendant had no family and worked part-time at a high school. And now eats pills off the floor. Oh but hold on.

YOU JUST SAID SHE HAD NO FAMILY!!!

Oh and her brother is dead now but hey she doesn't even know that and in her current state can't so that's probably a blessing or something right?

... rage. Building. But do go on. I'm sure this is going to get super interesting at some point.

Onto the three sisters. They used to work for the organization and failed. Oh okay. Guess that's it. Onto her teacher.

Wait seriously, you give the sisters like, two lines, and you don't even tell us anything new about them?! You're just like "oh yeah those three you already know their deal." WHAT WAS THE POINT OF- f**k it moving onto the teacher. Who just wanted to find her father. Okay cool, whatever. She wanted to find her dad but oh no. Onto that magical girl and a girl in a santa hat (when did SHE ever show up?!) and what's left of mechanic girl who... don't even get a real description. Oh and a girl with bunny ears who also, when did she ever show up exactly?

"All of them faced dire circumstances." WAIT SO YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO ADDRESS THEM? SERIOUSLY?!

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE F***ING WORST AT MIND-F***ING SOMEONE DO YOU KNOW THAT?! YOU ARE COMPLETELY KILLING THIS SCENE HERE. HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE SHE DEFEATED IF YOU ONLY GIVE BACKSTORY FOR TWO OF HER OPPONENTS?!

THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAVE A PROFOUND EMOTIONAL IMPACT ON YOUR INTENDED- oh wait it is?

... SERIOUSLY?! THIS HAS AN EFFECT ON A GIRL WHO SUPPOSEDLY HATES THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE?

I'm sorry which character are you pretending to be now?

Oh but before she can answer, that dude shows up with that lady, and is like "man don't answer that shit" and Miko is all "but I'm not gonna ruin your plans!" and he's all "pfft, plans changed, whatever."

Because now he "truly desires Aya".

BRB flipping another desk.

It gets better though, because IT IS TIME FOR THE EXPOSITION TRAIN BABY. It's like the Cole Train but with FIVE THOUSAND PERCENT MORE EXPOSITIONARY DIALOGUE. Proceed.

*clears throat*

So Miko has suspected for some reason that this might be the case. After all, she heard he had plastic surgery (what) and met Aya (what) for the express purpose of courting this young lady. Supposedly he changes his face when he finds some new thing he wants to possess.

.... what?!

Say it ain't so!

Oh but suddenly MIKO HAS A GUN. But before she can use it that lady whose name is Hayakawa... screw it she is glasses chick. She is all grabbing her wrist which somehow stops Miko from, I dunno, simply popping three rounds in her gut?

I mean really, you could just pull the trigger now and it
would be impossible to miss. Impossible.

But then Miko drops the gun and proceeds to get choked by glasses lady and Miko is ordered to hand Aya over. So of course she begs her friend for help?

You can tell Aya is thinking "uh why do I care?"

Oh but they're friends right? Even though she is supposedly being choked, she is somehow still able to talk. Which means you are NOT in fact being choked to death, because when you are being choked you cannot even breathe. Much less form coherent sentences. That's kind of what being choked means.

But then a gun goes off and the lady goes down. Who is the mysterious savior? It's... WAIT WHAT.

... the real Haruki?

Turns out they must be twins or something, because he's all talking about how dude 'screwed up their schedule' and... I'm sorry what is going on here exactly because you just lost me in a clusterf**ked tornado of shit you just started throwing in here.

So after saying "even if you kill me the organization" and gets shot in the head because, reasons or something.

... I'm still confused, what is going on here? Because nothing is making sense at this point.

This is the real Haruki, and hey his sister is there totally okay with her brother shooting some dude who looks exactly like him. And Miko was in on this thing too, because the three of them wanted to use that guy to... get revenge on Aya?

.... this is the most idiotic plan I have ever heard of.

So Miko is all "yeah my mom died 15 years ago. I was four. Oh but we have the same dad."

What?

Huh?

Oh hey, remember that thing where her dad died fifteen years ago in a car accident? Yeah actually Aya's dad and Miko's mom stabbed one another to death. Casually.

Say what now?

So... on her fourth birthday, this shit went down... and... why exactly does she decide to exact vengeance upon her half-sister? Because I guess since her dad was a douche that's somehow Aya's fault or something?

... this show is completely falling in on itself in a hilarious spiral of insanity, and I think my brain is melting as I continue to watch.

Uh, okay then. So... why exactly...?

It keeps getting more confusing though, don't you worry. See, there's suddenly a shot of DEAD GUARDS. SOMEONE POURING GASOLINE. Oh but I guess the Trio of Trouble aren't done with their little story just yet. The whole Platonic Heart thing was made by her dad, who really hated women I guess. Turns out that two of the participants were Miko's mom, and Natsume's mom. Which... means that in a weird sort of way they are all kind of related when you think about it? Cousins or something?

Speaking of moms, Natsume's mom is at home using an exacto knife to stab the shit out of Aya's photo. No reason, it's just a thing she enjoys doing in a drunken stupor.

The blush means she's drunk right because that's
kind of how it seems to me.

Oh but there was the winner, who of course was Aya's mom. PREDICTABLE. I guess she was kind of amazing or something, and went two-on-one against the mom-sisters and used "their bond of sisters" against them, like how Aya did with those other sisters.

Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

So the whole thing is that Miko's mom was made just a lover, by Aya's dad, while the other sister was left voiceless and sold to some foreigner? But Aya's mom totally didn't recognize her neighbor was, y'know, that one chick she pretty much beat the shit out of to win a contest or something?

But I guess her mom escaped that particular fate and just went on with her life without being sold so... wait your stories are starting to fall apart again GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER HERE GUYS.

I'm sure it was a truly riveting read.

Miko lived on her own or something, and secretly searched for the missing daughter. For reasons. Then stumbled across Natsume one day, and they decided to orchestrate this whole Platonic Heart thing all over again, just to get revenge on a girl who, quite literally, had nothing to do with any of this shit.

That's my biggest issue here. They aren't mad at her mom, they are mad at her daughter who had no idea about any of this shit.

This is a really stupid f***ing plan.

So the point of this whole freaking five minute long story is that her parents were horrible people and for that reason Aya must suffer.

This is a really f***ing stupid idea!!!!!

Really. F***ing. Stupid!!!!

If you include the bullshit about the other women and Miko talking shit, technically it's ten minutes to get to the point. TEN FREAKING MINUTES OF NON-STOP DIALOGUE.

Of course, Miko has to point out that technically speaking, she has half of that 'evil blood' running through her too, which makes her sick to her stomach. Also, Aya is dumb for not having ever really noticed any of this shit before.

Your explanation for the explanation of the answer
to this question is stupid as hell.

Don't worry though, it gets better, because not only were Miko and Natsume sick to death of having to treat her all nice and shit, that charm? Actually a bug and transmitter, for reasons.

Y'know. Reasons.

So everything has come down to this, and Natsume tosses her a gun and asks her to kindly up and kill herself now? So they can tape it and send it to her mom. Y'know, because they are such great friends I am sure there is NO WAY that this plan could backfire whatsoever.

.... flipping another desk in three, two, one...

Aya picks up the gun, and kinda looks at it, and looks at it some more, and then looks at it more, and asks the question: Why the hell does she have to die? So she gets mad and tries to shoot the three of them, but hey, it wasn't even loaded so what's the point right? Natsume finds this hilarious. I find this incredibly aggravating because THIS IS STUPID.

No I am pretty sure she is justified in wanting to murder
your stupid faces in right now.

Boy, it sure is funny how she still attempts to cling to being innocent in this whole thing right? Even though, in all actuality, she is innocent here. I mean, you people goaded her into becoming some kind of monster, and then you deride her for doing the things you wanted? That doesn't make any sense. Of course, neither does SOME MYSTERY PERSON SETTING BOMBS but hey, who cares there's some kind of plot thing happening. I think? I'm really not sure I'm still very unclear on all of this and there's less than five minutes left.

That you're pathologically insane? Sure. I get that.

Of course now the girls have guns that just appear from nowhere, and everyone advances on Aya, which is a really dumb idea if you plan on shooting somebody. Do you want to beat her face in or shoot her? PICK ONE YOU CANNOT DO BOTH IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Oh and just a reminder Aya did kill a girl. I mean, that'll kind of happen when you pummel their head into red paste? I guess Aya just kind of forgot that but again, I mean she was kind of pushed into this. But better remind her anyways that she is really an evil person.

So Aya falls to the ground all sad or some shit and gets shot in the shoulder, and now Miko is grabbing her by the hair and I guess lifts her up just to shoot her in the leg. Blah blah they're not gonna let her off easy, maybe they should start cutting off fingers and shit right? Oh the things they could- oh wait EXPLOSIONS. And the sprinklers aren't working. Who is the mystery lady?

Oh, it's Aya's mom. And boy does she look pissed.

So they say some things about how this is so unlike her, and she's all "man your mom is a weak little bitch making you do this shit on her behalf" and f***ing snaps Haruki's neck when he tries to punch her. Yeah like that was a smart idea to begin with. Also, she intends to set the record straight about their moms.

See, they didn't inflict that pain on their mothers for fun. It was just business.

I am running out of furniture to flip.

It's a vicious cycle that just continues. Miko tries to shoot Aya's mom but she runs up and snaps her neck, then runs over and snaps Natsume's neck. But boy is her mom kind of sorry about all of this, I mean, she tried to spare her kid of all this crap so that she could grow up and live like a normal girl. Y'know, because that's the kind of thing a responsible parent does.

And proceeds to bandage up her kid, ignoring the fact that she has set the building on fire and presumably damaged its foundations. I mean that's what bombs are for right? But hey, no worries, I'm sure that the bandages you are literally pulling out of your f***ing ass won't take you any time at all, nor will it destroy any credibility of the fact that THE BUILDING IS ON FREAKING FIRE being a thing which is actually DANGEROUS.

So yeah, it's up to Aya to live on and shoulder the responsibility of living or something, and it's up to Aya's mom to take responsibility for everything that's happened. Or... something? Wait why don't you just carry your kid out instead of leaving her on the floor and talking? Can you not talk and walk at the same time or something?

But as she picks up her kid's phone, she gets a text message about how there is a Platonic Heart meeting going on! How... convenient. Wait what? How does that even work if you killed all of the people who created the damn thing?

For that matter... f**k it.

The origin of BlazBlue's awesome tagline. How pathetic.

I really wish this line wasn't here. I really do. Because a few months after this show's release, BlazBlue would be released in Japan. November of the same year, except this show was done airing by the time it would come out. Even though I'm pretty sure the tagline was firmly set by Arksys long before pre-production for this show would begin. But I'm getting off topic here aren't I?

Then the building explodes and shit starts falling apart I guess, and... I suppose she just leaves her kid there who is somehow able to wander away from the building, past all of the firefighters and EMTs, and is able to drag herself home? Oh no, to Natsume's place where her mom answers the door and goes OH SHIT.

THE END. Were you expecting exciting credits? TOO BAD YOU GET BLACK SCREEN AND SCROLLING TEXT HA HA.

Okay. So. Breathing time. Gotta breathe. Can't just be all screaming, throwing things while crying out  WHAT THE FLYING F**K DID I JUST WATCH.

Actually screw that. I'm going to do do that now. HAVE FUN ASSHOLES.