Sailor Moon S Episode 07 - Cold Hearted Uranus? Makoto in Trouble

Happy Monday folks. Today is Sailor Moon Day (since the new re-dubbed episode is out and all that). No, I haven't been watching it, but that shouldn't stop you from watching it! After all, I'm just a bunch of words on the Internet, what do I know about anime?

... yeah I think that's about all I've really got for today. Seems like some people think I talk too much so I'll just try to keep this shit brief or whatever. Episode time.

According to today's Episode Preview, it would appear that girls may or may not be making out. Oh the horrors!

Oh and I guess Makoto gets attacked or something ROLL THE INTRO BOBBY.

We begin today's episode with BIKES. PEOPLE ON THEM RACING AROUND. And then a title slide. Boy that was... something. BUT NOW IT ACTUALLY STARTS with Makoto and that other idiot wandering around the shopping district, and Makoto promises to bring roast beef sammiches to the meeting tonight because man, roast beef. Then Usagi declares "I love you Makoto!" and it makes her look a little bit wistful.

Oh man, all the feels already from this one expression...

Makoto declares that, well, it's not really about talent or anything, she just thinks that big, boyish-looking girls (such as herself) should be good at cooking. Because I guess otherwise they wouldn't be very girly at all. Which is why she tries to hard to be able to, I dunno, make a roast beef sandwich or something.

Seriously that doesn't take a lot of effort why would you tell someone they are an amazing cook when they promise sandwiches that's just weird.

Anyways Usagi tries to make her feel better by saying how she totally looks girly and shit and boy she's always thought she looked cute from the start and man, hit on your friend more why don't ya. I know, you're trying to make her feel better but you are kinda laying it on a little thick there.

As they cross the street, some asshole on a bike nearly runs them over, and totally stops just in time.

Yet somehow, still manages to completely flub the save.

The physics of this is just completely wrong. She pushes her friend out of the way, only to land on top of her friend... directly in front of the bike, which shouldn't have even been that close by this point. I mean, the way this looks, if they had stayed totally still the bike would have missed, since we clearly see the biker change direction at the last second before applying the brakes.

Turns out this mystery biker isn't so mysterious at all. It's just Haruka who makes Makoto totally blush like crazy. Usagi is totally okay, but Makoto? Different story.

This is not the appropriate reaction NOT AT ALL.

I'm just going to go ahead and play my GOD DAMN IT SAILOR MOON card already. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING. That reaction should be reserved for the first time you meet someone BUT THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME. YOU HAVE MET HER A FEW TIMES BEFOREHAND.

Turns out Mako is bleeding a little bit due to a scrape she somehow got on the back of her hand, and apologizes profusely for this, even giving up her handkerchief to wrap around her hand. She seems definitely distressed by something, but Makoto? She's totally cool with this.

Greaaat....

Cue the flower petals as Haruka tells her that she's super brave. Also super sorry for almost killing them, I'm going to pop a wheelie and blow you a kiss through my helmet as I drive off. And wink. Because SUPER COOL AND FLIRTY.

... good god lady. Just good. God.

Usagi waves goodbye and turns to her googly-eyed friend, snapping her out of her little reverie, just because.

Way to be a killjoy, jerk.

Then they have a good laugh together and someone is at the pool. It's Michiru! And Haruka who is like "we gotta find the Messiah at any cost, even if it kills some people. For reasons we don't understand." Because they're doing it for world peace. Also, the end of the world is nigh I guess? So they've gotta make sure that gets stopped. Okay, makes sense. Then we see their transformation thing is a watch of some sort. Also, Haruka somehow goes from standing beside her at the pool... to being on her bike and talking into her magical watch.

... that was kind of a leap. Also, just behind once-again-biking Haruka (who detects something is amiss but hasn't started moving yet) we see that Ami has joined the group power walk with pals. And already, we see Makoto turning into the Overly Attached Girlfriend. Who wants to know where Haruka lives. For... uh, reasons. Yeah. Reasons.

That look of "Oh god what am I going to do with her address?"

She totally just has to return that handkerchief, and isn't thinking about being so close she could lock lips with that lovely, luscious little... I mean, oh look, there's the villain standing around just as they walk past. Whoops! Better play the evil guitar riff!

Target is confirmed, and seed is already deployed. Then a gust of wind blows and the handkerchief goes flying, so what happens next? Well it wanders into a small parking lot and then she finds it on the ground under a car. But as she reaches for it, the evil seed pushes the Stock Animation Possession button and enters the handkerchief, and immediately becomes a creeper of the Nth degree.

THIS IS THE STUFF NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.

Yes, it is still trapped under the car but manages to wriggle its way out, and those other two girls stumble across and decide to transform. After they run off-screen for... some reason.

There's not even anyone around why would you need to shove her off-screen Ami? That doesn't even make sense.

We're treated to the full kit and kaboodle too, since there's really only two of them that need the sequence this episode, as Makoto is quickly wrapped in red ribbon. But she gets saved by Sailor Mercury, and Kaorinite is annoyed and has her minion retreat.

This thing is just plain weird yet still feminine, and I kinda
like it for some strange reason.

It runs off with a creepy damn laugh, and those otehr two Sailor Scouts are just hanging around, not sure if the girl is a talisman-holder or not. Neptune is all "uh why don't we just tell them what's going on so that maybe they could help us?" and Uranus is all "NOPE CAN'T DO THAT, IT SOUNDS TOO REASONABLE. SILENCE IS COMING CAN'T LET THAT BE A THING THAT HAPPENS, THERE ARE NO TIMELORDS IN OUR UNIVERSE."

Virgin sacrifices: All the rage these days.

They decide to keep an eye on her for awhile, because the badguys will totally be back. Also, it's time for a commercial break.

Now it is go home time, but Makoto left long before Usagi. Turns out she's gone back to that parking lot from earlier to find out where the handkerchief went, when those two stupidly attractive ladies roll up in a car, all glad to see Makoto just hanging around because boy were they hoping to just casually bump into her. While driving. Just not bumping into her with the car because Haruka kind of already almost did that once and why am I still talking there is science to do.

Mako is super glad to be offered to hang out with the Cool Girls, and Usagi says "whoa dude seriously you don't think this is a problem?"

I'm not sure what's more hilarious: Haruka's reaction, or
Michiru's smirk of "yeah, she drives me around every day."

It doesn't take any more convincing than that, and Michiru and Mako meet officially for the first time, I guess. Even though they already met once before but this time they're properly introduced so it's all good. By the way they're both in tenth grade so is it really okay for Haruka to be driving around?

... nailed it.

So yeah she totally uh, is okay to drive. Also what nice earrings Mako has, and it's super nice of her to tag along and all that. Oh right wasn't there a reason Haruka asked her to come along? Well it's so that they can become better friends. And she totally says that while pouring on all the charm she can muster, which makes poor Mako just all happily uncomfortable.

Now is a good time to slip on over to those other girls finding out that Mako is totally going on a date with two other girls.

Those are some... pretty angry responses actually. Wow.

So now they are struggling with the thought that, well, maybe their friend is suddenly into chicks? I mean she is pretty butch to begin with and OH GOD WHAT.

WHAT IN THE FLYING F**K IS THIS?!

Ami is the only one to scream that her preferences aren't the issue here. The issue is that someone is targeting her and none of them are around to help out if she's in trouble! So Mako is all telling her pals over her less-impressive watch communicator that it's all good, and she'll totes kick some ass if need be but damnit she's with Haruka and she wants to enjoy this so shut up and leave her alone already geez.

But before she hangs up her friends beg her not to just give up on guys because there's a ton of them around and all that. No worries though, I mean, she totally isn't thinking about swapping spit with her or anything I mean she just looks up to other attractive women. Speaking of which...

Yeah it's right behind you.

She is promptly flashed by her opponent. Though... she's still kind of oddly reserved for some reason I guess.

I guess this is... technically a stripping handkerchief...?

Then Scar ribbons Mako, and is hit in the face by a rock from Haruka which reveals... she was just wearing  a mask the entire time?!

Scar appears to be awfully ashamed of her super pretty looks.

Then those other two girls get slapped away and out of the way and OH MY GOD. THEY'VE FINALLY DONE IT.

A stripping handkerchief elf or something. I don't care. We're done.

Yep. That's it. I think we've finally managed to hit a new low. I predicted a stripping towel. How foolish I was. No, this is a stripping handkerchief... elf... thing. I don't even know anymore.

I just. Do. Not. Know. Anymore. So her heart gets removed and those other two girls suddenly show up transformed and feeling maybe a little bad about all of this, but now they get to steal the crystal from Kaorinite to make sure it's a talisman or not. But Makoto seems osmehow still aware of what's going on, even if she can't move, and has discovered their secret.

... or not, since I guess she interprets their sudden appearance as them having watched on the sidelines while Haruka and Michiru got beaten up.

... you are really straining credibility here, show. GOD DAMN IT SAILOR MOON.

But then those other girls show up to dispense some hot lawful justice and shit, and do a thing where they attack the monster, who is having none of that shit. Turns out it's not a talisman though, and they quickly hand it over so Makoto can not just die. Not that they care or anything? I mean, these kids are so lame right?

Doesn't stop Neptune from coming in with the save anyways, hitting the foe from the back while Makoto decides screw this, she's gonna transform anyway even if her pals think that's dumb. Cue her transformation sequence, and then the enemy running forward but she hits with a really angry lightning ball so the bosslady can HEART ATTACK the monster to death.

Also, Kaorinite is kinda gone already, which is curious, but whatever.

After being reduced to a handkerchief again, Jupiter starts yelling at Uranus and Neptune about how they're just as bad as the Daimon, because... well, they simply are. Uranus' witty reply?

"So?"

So uh... I guess Jupiter will try to beat the crap out of her, and they get right into them running at one another, and Uranus putting the green girl into her place before leaping away. Oh but not before somehow managing to hurt her hand I guess?

Immediately after Uranus says "she's powerful".

I have no idea how you manage to cut yourself punching someone in the gut, and then attributing it to them being particularly powerful. But you managed it anyways, didn't you? Meanwhile, Jupiter goes to retrieve the handkerchief, wondering why it is here. Oh and also they've found those other two girls who are playing at being 'unconscious" so that Makoto can wake up Haruka and save the day or something.

"I'm so glad you're such a cold-hearted dick!"

This takes pretty much everyone by surprise, and she sees that, surprise surprise, Haruka's hand is hurt so guess I better bandage that with the thing you bandaged my hand with yesterday.

Sorry, I think I vomited a little bit there. Oh god it burns so bad.

Haruka smiles and Makoto blushes and boy Haruka is awesome and boy wouldn't it be nice to be just like her some day. NEXT DAY IN THE SHOPPING DISTRICT. Everyone else is walking without her talking about Mako's weird attitude and what it could possibly mean.

This is an incredibly fair assessment of the situation.

But Ami stops to see Mako trying out a scarf in a shop and emulating Haruka and the episode ends.

So in the end... uh, what the heck? You seem to be tempting us with the same-sex romantic inklings, yet you don't actually push forward with them or anything? This seems... incredibly strange to me.

Color me confused, because what the heck does this do for Makoto as a character? What does it do to clarify anything, when you send us conflicting messages? When someone blushes, that's an indication of liking that person a great deal - not looking up to them. Those weren't just awe-inspired puppy dog eyes, those were "I want to spend all my time around you" lovestruck puppy dog eyes.

In the end... I'm absolutely baffled. I have no idea what to make of this episode. None whatsoever.

... I think I'm just going to sit here for the next few hours, and try to process what I just watched.