The Master of Martial Hearts Episode 01 - Destiny Sprints Into Motion

This is clearly a decision which I shall regret very quickly.

I have been informed that this series is only five episodes long. Which means that it can only get so painful before it is finally over. I have also been informed that, if I do not make it to the final episode, I am Not A Man.

Alright bitches. Challenge. Accepted.

It is Japan. Modern day. There is a train. And some Shinto priestess that looks a lot like Reimu Hakurei getting kicked in the gut. Already we are off to a fantastic start, but with a name like "Master of Martial Hearts" you have to expect there to be some in-your-face brutal hand-to-hand combat. I mean, don't you?

This seems to have escalated quickly.

So girl is getting beat up by what looks like a train conductor or something, but she slaps the girl back and five seconds later, they are... no longer on the train but on a bridge underneath.

... huh. Curious. But okay. Maybe that's where they were the entire time, and that initial scene was just set there to confuse us. Continue!

Round 1, FIGHT!

Nameless Girl looses the scarf around her neck a little bit, compliments her opponent on being sorta skilled, and going on to say it's no wonder she managed to make it this far in the tournament. Oh, so there's a tournament too? Well, again with a name like Master of Martial Hearts I guess this is to be expected. The Priestess thanks her for her kind words, and then basically says that she's sorry but she will have to totally rock your face now.

Eh, close enough.

But of course the big city flight attendant disses the girl, drops her bag, and says "come at me bro". Wait did I say drop her bag? I meant USES THAT SHIT LIKE SOME KIND OF FIGHTAN GAME WEAPON COMPLETE WITH STRETCHY POWERS. And then delivers on the flight attendant thing... damn. Can't believe I figured that out.

This is exactly what you'd expect out of a cheesy fighting game.

INTRO TIME. THERE IS THE TITLE. AND GIRLS FIGHTING AND FLASHING THEIR PANTIES. AND MORE TITLE. AND MORE GIRLS FIGHTING AND FLASHING PANTIES. HERE'S THE TITLE AGAIN AND TAKE A LOOK AT ALL THESE GIRLS WITHOUT NAMES. THERE IS ONE OF EVERY VARIETY. EVEN THE MECHANIC GIRL.

No seriously, they have a mechanic girl.

They gave her a wrench and everything.

There is literally everything here. The flight attendant, the homebody, the mechanic, the moe catgirl (that means super cute you non-weaboo plebes), the maid, even a cop and a fortune teller. Seriously, they got everything. Even a fighting nurse from the looks of things. Also, the most annoying intro song ever. Now, by watching this intro, you might be asking "what the f**k is a Platonic Heart and why is it plastered all over the Japanese title?" and the answer is: For some reason Martial Hearts got translated from Platonic Heart.

No, seriously. I have no idea why this is the case, but it is. The actual title of the show is Zettai Shougeki: Platonic Heart. But let's be honest with ourselves: Master of Martial Hearts sounds way cooler so that's what we're going with here.

Best. Lyrics. EVARRR.

Can I just take a moment to point out that the song in the OP sounds like some Japanese teen discovered rock and wanted to become a pop rock star and decided to record herself on a home microphone with a guitar? Because that's all there is. It's just a single guitar and a single vocalist and she definitely does not understand how J-Rock works. I have to wonder if maybe they hired some J-Idol and said "hey, do a rock song" and she's all "but I only do J-Pop" and they went "Roll with it anyway!" and they did.

Seriously. This song man.

But the OP is over so look at that train passing and meet some other girls with no names we care nothing about yet! One asks the other to stop for a moment, however, because of something super important.

HAVE YOU SEEN HOW LONG HER HAIR IS?! OF COURSE
THERE IS HAIR ON HER SHOULDER.

I'd also like to point out that the animations for walking basically equate to their torsos bobbing up and down to simulate walking. So it is awkward when they stop.

But hey, we have names. These are Aya and Natsume. Natsume seems to pay attention to all the little things, and clearly is not attempting to get into her best pal's stockings. As evidenced by her incredibly critical view of how her friend must always keep an eye on all of these "little things" like stray hairs. And pay attention to her unbuttoned shirt.

OH GOD OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE NOW.

It is at this point that things begin to get weird. They have established that they are best friends who are only friends but they are the best at being friends and do everything together. When they decide they should grab a burger, some crazy teacher shows up behind them and is all "yo, school regulations forbid you from buying things to eat and taking needless detours when going home!"

I'm totally serious that is almost exactly what she says.

Better add the big-breasted teacher to the roster.

She tells them that if they eat burgers between meals, they'll get fat so it's better they starve to death. Also, they should get home before it gets dark, despite the fact that, I dunno, it's only like five in the afternoon or something? I mean look at all that freaking daylight! They have plenty of time! Why are you even following your students around anyways?

Not that she's going to answer any of those questions because she's too busy walking off into a dark alleyway while her students are all "she's so nice." If by 'nice' you mean 'batshit insane' then yeah, I guess she is kinda nice.

Okay is everyone in this show perfect or something?

Gee I wonder why she doesn't seem to have a boyfriend HMM GEE I WONDER. Insert title slide.

Was that subtitle truly necessary?

Upon returning to the show, we find that those two girls are just so happening along that bridge underpass where that one fight was going on earlier. At least they tied that together pretty quickly.

Sorry did you think that car was just decoration? THIS IS
STREET FIGHTER BITCHES.

Obviously, the girls think this is strange. Why are girls fighting in the street? Especially one that is a Shinto Priest? But the other girl is pretty torn up too, spouting her flight attendant shit, and our Miko pulls out a spirit wand and prepares her incredibly witty retort.

Yeah you tell her nameless person.

But it turns out that wand has some extending powers, and whips out the extending bits of paper that shreds her opponent's clothes. Entirely.

Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes in, and we have naked titties.

"Aren't you a lesbian? Hang on I wanna watch these titties."

Now the flight attendant is fighting with only one arm, as the other is covering up her not-so-ample chestage, and our Miko pulls out a fortune charm that turns into shuriken. Did not see that coming. But she dodges it and continues to ineffectually cover her slipping nips, and chastises her opponent for using charms in such a manner. Which... leads to another amazingly witty retort accusing her of basically doing the exact same shit.

By now, the flight attendant has had enough of this shit and is all "yeah well you have no friends so it's pretty obvious what you'll wish for with the Platonic Heart." WOW. GLAD THAT MYSTERY GOT SOLVED WITH ALL THIS EXPOSITION. Also, I guess talking shit is better than finishing off your opponent to get that thing that you want so badly that you will beat the living shit out of other people to get to. But hey, wishes are important things.

... you know, she actually does kinda have a point there.

Oh, and that bag also has a giant blade hidden inside of it, in addition to being insanely heavy.

Fighting Game logic.

Additionally: That blade can cut through a car roof. But not her target which jumps and lands right on top of that one girl who totally isn't gay for her best friend. But Flight Attendant doesn't give two shits about things like collateral damage or innocent people getting hurt, and narrowly misses hurting all three girls somehow, before spouting off more flight attendant nonsense because I guess it makes her sound like a badass or something.

... can you tell this is already starting to wear thin on me? And we're only six and a half minutes in... and there's thirty minutes in this bad boy.

... it's gonna be a long day isn't it.

Oh but turns out she can't pull back her weaponized bag because that other girl is all holding it like a boss, being all "you tried to hurt my friend". Aya is clearly not having any of this shit. But nameless topless chick is all "man just go somewhere else if you don't want to be involved I mean god seriously this is legit none of your business and I don't actually care if you go?"

The classic "NO U" argument.

Aya calls her an old lady which makes her mad but then the Miko runs in to punch her in the face or something. But the animation is so laughably bad that her pathetic attempt is truly... pathetic. She is quickly brought to the ground and OH FOR THE LOVE OF F**K WHAT IS WITH EVERYTHING BEING A GODDAMN WEAPON? THE SCARF TURNS INTO A SWORD THAT SHOOTS NEEDLES OR SOMETHING?! WHAT IN THE HELL.

Except that the needles... do nothing. I guess? They just vanish or something as Aya kicks into the air, causing the villain to go "wait what" and then she jumps into the air and flashes her skirt some more and then lands behind her opponent to elbow her in the back and then almost piledrive that bitch in the middle of the street.

... needless to say this show is turning out to be pretty brutal. Cue her friend looking... uh, something as she realizes her best friend that she is totally crushing on and thought she knew everything about is now suddenly come kind of consummate badass.

Either she's suffering PTSD or she just creamed herself.

OH LOOK MORE TRAINS. And then she's all "holy crap that was awesome here hold me!" and they got to MoeBurger.

Seriously, it's MoeBurger.

Also, Aya's mom was a "full-contact fighter". I did not know they had female MMA fighters in Japan, but I guess they do now, which magically explains why Aya is some kind of ninja warrior who can will deadly needles out of existence by lifting her foot.

White Lotus Kung Fu? Wait no her mom can't be the Killer
Kung Fu Wolf Bitch.

Apparently her mom, when she was younger, went to some dojo or other and fought in a few competitions that probably weren't THE KUMITE. And decided that her kid should probably learn a few DEADLY MARTIAL ARTS to kick the shit out of everyone. Like we see in a flashback.

But hey Aya is cool right? Natsume fears nothing, because she totally is in love with her best pal who gets angry on her behalf. So she is awesome and not scary at all and here eat my fries while I gush about how awesome it is to be friends with you.

Now they get to wonder what was going on between those girls and what the deal with the Platonic Heart was. Oh wait she's from out of town and doesn't know about this thing everybody knows about? Well better exposition the hell out of that then!

It looks like a crappy 3DCGI glass heart with sprinkles on it.

Supposedly it makes any wish come true, but only works for girls. And to get it you have to go through "an intense trial" and if you fail, you get dragged into "the Dark World".

Gee I can't imagine how anybody would have missed that ever.

At least Natsume is honest when she says that it was just a kids rumor and that's why it's so vague. The show may be somewhat terrible, but I have to give credit where it is due: At least it is outright acknowledging that it's not being straightforward about shit. So that's refreshing.

Cue the Miko walking up as they keep talking about this Platonic Heart thing, to apologize for the shit that went down earlier. But it's cool since nobody got hurt, except that one chick. So it's all good. Oh and she just happened to have a spare Miko outfit that she could change into, because one always needs to carry around a spare set of the exact same clothes, just in case.

Aya wants to know, why were they fighting as if they wanted to kill one another? The Miko sets the record straight though: That was no fight, it was a D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL. In the name of the Magical MacGuffin. Also Miko is hungry so why doesn't she sit down and eat something? How nice of them, she'll order everything on the menu like the typical broke priest girl. COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Ugh this is really what you're going with?

Upon returning, there is an actual mountain of burgers in front of the Miko who apologizes for forcing them to buy all of it out of kindness.

... you know for a priestess she is actually pretty damn greedy.

I got nothing.

She gets to work demolishing the food and Aya wants more information. While it might have been a rumor at one time, the Platonic Heart exists now as an actual fighting tournament. Where the fights are conducted in secret. And nobody knows who is actually competing. Except for whoever is running the thing who just sends texts to people on their cell phones telling them "go to this place and beat the hell out of whoever is there".

... personally I'm amazed that the Miko happens to own a freaking cell phone in the first place.

Nobody knows who is organizing the fights, and Aya thinks this is pretty stupid that anybody would believe in this crap. Which... yeah I'll be honest, I'm having a hard time believing it too. I mean, she basically says "some dude says he'll grant your wish if you fight these other people to the death and you actually bought that?"

She's got a point, I'll give her that.

But the Miko counters by saying that it isn't that she necessarily believes in it. But she wants to. Because when she was a kid she wished desperately that she would have friends and oh god seriously this is what you are going with? It's no wonder you have no friends because anyone who might want to be gets chased away by your f***ing crazy talk.

Oh and she hear the rumor while sweeping the front of the shrine one day when some other girls were passing by. OH THE LONELINESS. IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T TRAPPED AT THAT SHRINE DAY IN AND DAY OUT oh wait you're not anymore.

So she spent some time praying that her wish would come true and magically got a text message on the phone that... one honestly has to wonder why she has a cell phone. Like, who would she even call? She has no friends. Her family would be living at the shrine. SO WHY DOES SHE EVEN HAVE A GODDAMN CELL PHONE?

Congratulations! You have been selected to be one of many
lucky contestants in a deadly battle to the death!
*Some restrictions may apply Data and Text Message fees may apply.

The text is oddly specific however. Not only is it addressed to her, but it also states that the specific wish that she had made has been accepted and they hope it will come true. I'll admit, that is pretty compelling evidence.

Oh, and her name is actually Miko Kazuki.

You just named the Miko... Miko.

... yeah I'll just leave it at that.

I JUST EXPLAINED THIS!

Oh but she claims that her name was "just a coincidence".

NO. YOUR PARENTS NAMING YOU A THING AND THEN YOU TURNING OUT TO BE THAT THING IS NOT A COINCIDENCE, THAT IS SOMETHING WHICH WAS SET UP FROM THE START.

YOU HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT?!

You know, I am beginning to think that this may be the most progressive Miko in the world. Because they are generally tied to their jobs, right? Family tradition and all that? That she not only has a cell phone to talk to other people (which is a thing she can't do often due to NO FRIENDS EVER) but she also has a BANK ACCOUNT. For someone whose life is supposed to be dedicated to only ever caring for a shrine.

... my mind, it is f***ing blown, my friends. F***ing. Blown.

... and that's why I became a serial kil- I mean entered the
Platonic Heart championship.

I guess she was always hated or something growing up and this strikes a chord with Aya who remembers what it was like beating up an entire schoolyard's worth of boys.

Oh but it gets even better, you see. For Miko the Miko's logic, it is FLAWLESS.

Yes, because allowing your wish to come true before
allowing your wish to come true would be devastating.

But Aya's all "f**k that take my hand let's be friends and go on ADVENTUUUUUUURE." And then forcibly takes her hand instead of the burger that was originally offered and introductions are made and congratulations you now have two friends. And you didn't even have to kill anyone for it.

She pinches her own cheek but turns out, nope, she's not dreaming! She just made friends. Boy that was hard. Which makes her cry about how after 19 years she finally has friends. Which makes her older than the other girls but who cares. There are BIRDS FLYING IN THE SKY as they walk around.

Miko talks about how she will never forget this day for as long as she lives and that now she doesn't need to fight for the Platonic Heart and it can go to someone else far more deserving. Who says you have to die to get what you want?

Oh but watch out for the upcoming PLOT TWIIIIST. Because Natsume's brother shows up and Aya totally has the hots for him. But his sister has the hots for her, and... oh god. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth there.

They introduce their new friend and he's all "man you're in high school study or something already, oh and please watch over my sister because she's kind of a pain."

And then they walked their new Miko friend named Miko home to her shrine. And she won't let them leave without giving them something first: a little bell charm.

... y'know if I had a need for a cell phone strap, I'd probably buy it.

She got three of them but never had anyone to give to but hey, now all three friends magically have matching charms so isn't that great? FRIENDSHIP YEAH.  Guess those other two better get home, but they'll see Miko around some other time, so time to go home. Oh but Aya can't leave until she reassures Miko that the whole 'friendship' thing isn't just temporary. They'll still be friends a few days from now. Unless you keep pestering them about it, then they might have to stop being friends. Shut up about it already will ya?

But then guess who gets a text message telling her that she too is a lucky contender in the Platonic Heart competition?

NIGHT TIME IN THE PARK. SHE IS READING A TEXT IN THE DARK. OH HEY SINCE YOU GRANTED THAT ONE GIRL'S WISH YOU GET TO FIGHT IN HER PLACE. HA HA. HOPE YOU LIKE NOT GETTING A WISH FOR WINNING.

Of course, this whole thing just kind of rubs her the wrong way, and she doesn't like this whole "people needing to fight other people" bit, and decides she wants to find out just who is behind the whole thing. And what is a Platonic Heart anyway? Oh look, it's that flight attendant from earlier who is all pissy because she became friends or something, and now she's part of this stupid fight thing, so hey, glad to see you're in the fight, here's a ton of cash for it.

Wait, why did she get elected to drop off the money? Also, why did this not happen with the miko? THAT WOULD HAVE MADE MORE SENSE THAN HER HAVING A BANK ACCOUNT. Seriously. Also, the whole getting money thing is payment for taking part in this fighting contest thing. Though... she's all "if you win you can get any wish, and there's nothing in this world money can't solve". Except that if you're doing this for money, you're probably still doing it wrong. Then she's all "well if I win here I'll take the cash and run bitch", and makes the lights in the park go out and another fight begins.

Except that we can't see much aside from close-ups of arms and legs swinging past the screen. Great job guys!

At least it's still better than Idol Wrestling, but... god it is ranking pretty low.

So here's another bit of gold. Aya can't see because the lights went out so suddenly and her eyes can't adjust. How is her opponent attacking?

Yeah because this makes perfect sense.

Holy WHAT.

So she grabs the girl from behind and starts choking her, then Aya reaches into her skirt, pulls out a coin, and flips it, which somehow manages to distract the woman long enough for her to get elbowed in the gut.

WHAT. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY F***ING SENSE AT ALL.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

Boy those goggles sure are fancy but her eyes are all adjusted now and she will totally end this with the next attack.

Those are her words, not mine.

Flight Attendant rips off the goggles and was all "boy you sure talk a lot of stuff but oh well I've got your friend tied up behind me" and snaps her fingers and the lights come back on.

.... I'm sorry what?

What the f**k is even going on at this point?

Somehow, she managed to not only predict that she would be dragged into this contest, but also managed to kidnap that guy she saw once, strap him full of bombs, and drag him without being noticed to the place where she is now.

That? That is some seriously stretched logic there. In fact, one might go so far as to suggest that the writers are just pulling bullshit out of their ass by this point.

So here's the thing: She gives up and dies, he goes free, but she resists, he dies. Wait, I'm sorry, you were all offended at first about how you were putting your lives on the line here for some stupid prize and she didn't care, so now you're all "die or uh, watch some other dude die?" That... that doesn't make as much sense as you seem to think it does.

Oh, and now her carry-on luggage IS TURNING INTO A F***ING JET GLIDER.

What. The. F**k.

Now we get into the arm slaps and kicks that somehow manage to shred clothing upon contact. Because that... makes sense.

This show is quickly devolving into madness. It was okay before but now it is just rapidly descending into the Metal Glen. It doesn't take long before Aya's clothes are basically reduced to bra and panties. But it's okay because she dodges the last final fatal attack and manages to magically kick the bombs off the boy and send them into the air before they detonate and what in the hell is even going on in this show anymore?!

Aya is angry now, and scary and the flight attendant is all getting horribly animated uppercutted and... I don't. What. Just. What. Uppercuts are causing boobs to pop out and... what.

I don't... my brain hurts. What is happening? She beats the hell out of the woman and looks all sad and shit for some reason, and the wind blows and she runs home asking what the heck this whole Platonic Heart bullshit is about. Thankfully she had a track coat to cover herself.

Arriving back at Miko's place, she decides to seek out her wisdom, and just enter her apartment. Oh but the place is trashed and Miko is nowhere to be found. What happened to her friend? Why does any of this matter? Will her friend ever find true love? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON CRAPPY FIGHTING SHOW.

ROLL THEM CRAPPY CREDITS.

Wow you really put on weight from that burger fast!

The ending is even more boring than the opening, and for some reason everyone has put on about twenty extra pounds since the end of the episode.

Seriously, chub-tacular.

Oh and the hallway/tunnel they are in is FLYING IN THE SKY.

They love using skies for endings because they are so peaceful and require no thought to create.

Not only do they have the exact same face now, but
they have taken on an extra twenty pounds. Serious.

And then they give you a next episode preview which spends a lot of time not really showing you anything. Or saying much. So it's a boring typical preview that promises watching Aya get the shit beat out of her by her teacher. Okay. Feel free to skip these as they are boring and pointless and not even entertaining.

My god. I thought Mars of Destruction was special but... but this? I'm not even sure Ikki Tousen can compare, and that was a self-loathing hentai that never actually showed anything.

I am going to go, and reconsider what I am doing with my life now. And really, truly ask myself...

Why am I watching this show?