Sailor Moon S Episode 05 - Protect the Pure Heart! A Three-Way Battle

So, once again, I seem to be falling behind. It was a rough weekend, and things happen. No big deal. Not like I have any impending onus to ensure I do this on a regular basis besides just plain hating myself.

That having been said, man, the new series will be starting up in just a few weeks. I have to wonder how it will turn out, and if it'll be better than what we've already seen. One can hope.

I was gonna put more words but I forgot how to English so let's just get down to it today.

So I guess today's episode has something about Usagi trying to kiss Mamoru and it being ruined. The villainy of it all! For once, they managed to give us an episode overview that actually told us very little. And showed us even less! So this means either it's going to be a really great episode, or that they are already out of ideas for episodes and needed a quick filler ep to throw into the mix.

... this is probably going to wind up being romance filler isn't it oh god help me.

We begin this episode with Usagi doing what she does best: Yawning and complaining about how studying at Rei's is such a drag which is why she isn't even there yet. After all, who cares about entrance exams when it's such a nice day out? Surely the other girls wouldn't get mad if she skipped out. Besides, it's not like they spent the entire last episode talking about how desperately she wanted to be better at everything because her boyfriend was all "dude serious why you gotta be so dumb this is like seriously embarrassing shit".

Gee if only your grades weren't such shit.

Cue random dude riding up in a bike and Usagi immediately assuming that it MUST be Mamoru, why he is the only person who would ever ride a motorcycle in this town! Except for that chick who looks like a dude. But hey it's fine, he's... got someone riding with him? QUICK THROW IN THE TITLE SLIDE FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

Just how many times are they going to throw us this BS?

This is like what, the fourth time we've seen a "three-way battle" for Mamoru's affections in this show? Plus we already know that it is clearly established they get married in the super future, and THEY know they get married in the super future, so what the hell? I mean aren't you kind of risking the very fabric of reality itself when you have a daughter from the future that travels back in the past to attempt to kill her mother and then wind up helping to save the universe from destruction? Am I the only one who remembers this shit? It was only like five episodes ago!!!

Wait who is this again?

Okay so I had to look this crap up, but it actually is a callback to something that happened way back like, thirty episodes ago. Basically, she's Motoki's little sister. I think there was a thing about her trying to get cozy with Mamoru back in the day? Whatever.

Anyways, there's a thing about how her brother was supposed to go on a big trip, and forgot the tickets at home and Mamoru just happened to be passing by and decided to give her a lift. For... some reason. I guess to deliver the tickets to the train station, and so they just kind of wound up at the park for... reasons.

They both seem pretty clueless about Usagi's insinuation that she thought something funny was going on, but you have to kinda wonder... is it really that far-fetched?

Uh... this is a kid's show right?

Cut to Usagi sitting at the restaurant Unazuki works at (man what a hard to remember name...), where she asks if blondie has managed to kiss him yet. Blah blah noise blush guess that means you done none of that. Enter her twisting the knife by saying it's a good thing she hasn't done any kissing yet because she is still in middle school and entrance exams blah blah...

Except that I'm pretty sure they've already kissed a few times in this show so really, what does it matter?

Oh but what about her friend I mean she's in high school right? After a few moments, she reveals that she too is in love with a boy, but also hasn't even made out. Why, you ask? Well, for all the best reasons, of course.

Did you just friendzone your own boyfriend...?

So basically, she's holding off for "the right moment" with "the right person" at "the right place". Cue the couple sitting right next to them who happen to be incredibly familiar faces, chuckling at the kids playing at grown-up.

Uh, what now?

"The first kiss in the world was between Adam and Eve."

Oh god. This is going to be that kind of episode now isn't it. Now Haruka is talking about different types of kisses, and what they mean. Then they're talking about what kissing meant in 15th century Italy and how if you kissed you had to get married.

WHAT THE HELL DOES ANY OF THIS RANDOM SHIT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHAT IS THE POINT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO CONVEY AS CHARACTERS? YOU ARE JUST FORCING YOURSELF INTO A CONVERSATION AND SPOUTING RANDOM SHIT.

This is the equivalent of hearing someone talking about how they think owls are neat, and then coming up and going "Oh hey, did you know? Owls fly. Oh! And they have feathers. And did you know that owls hunt at night, and in ancient Greece they were regarded as animals of wisdom?" WHO CARES WHY ARE YOU EVEN TELLING US THIS STUFF.

I guess the point that Michiru wanted to make was "a first kiss is precious" and then Haruka is all "Welp gotta go, outies!" They leave to rose petals flying int he air, and then Unazaki is all "dude come over later for cake" and Usagi is like "crap I'm a kid for getting excited about that shit".

Now we get to see the super gay couple talking about first kisses, and how they don't have time to be falling in love.

Can you look any more evil when you say that?

I guess Haruka's big deal is that "girls like her are easy targets for the Daimon Eggs". Oh, well okay then. I guess that means YOU TWO ARE PERFECTLY SAFE. After all that kid might have a pure heart or whatever. ENTER THE EVIL LAB OF REMIXED STOCK FOOTAGE! Their target? Who else but that one random person we met earlier in the episode.

... be sure not to take that out of context.

Lots of evil laughter blah blah oh guess who is vacuuming her room and looking at one of the most bizarre photo frames I have ever seen.

Like, seriously. What the what? There is way too much frame
for this little photo!

I don't understand. If it's just a piece of another photo... why all the jagged lines? Wouldn't you just cut that shit straight? For that matter, if it ISN'T, who the hell would take out all of the photo like that? I mean, what about the actual background? The story behind it? What kinds of things were going on when they took this photo?! WHAT SENSE DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE?!?!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU DEMON GIRL!

OH LOOK A DAIMON EGG COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW. OH LOOK IT POSSESSES THE ELEPHANT VACUUM.

Seriously who the f**k has an elephant vacuum in their home?!

STOCK FOOTAGE OF POSSESSION. OH NOES IT IS NOW AN EVIL STRIPPING VACUUM CLEANING ELEPHANT.

I think I'm going to cry now. Because I just wrote that.

I. Just. WROTE THAT.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

I just had to spend the last five minutes wiping tears from my eyes. Because. This. Just. Happened.

I don't know if I can handle this man. I just. I don't know if I can. Is this what the show has come down to? Is this really all that Sailor Moon has become, finally? Evil stripping household appliances?

*starts crying again*

This. This. This f***ing show. This goddamned f***ing show. Just.

Her ability is "suction", and she extracts a heart crystal blah blah oh noes evil appliance leaps out the window but those two girls stop her.

You know, this is only the first half of the show too. But whatever, it attacks them with her evil powers of reverse-suction and calls it a 'hurricane', but y'know, these girls think nothing about destorying the town to get at the crystal talisman thing. But hey, they're fighting a damned sweeper, and the crystal falls into a passing garbage truck, and all THREE of them lose sight of it.

Also, a random dog passes by and does a weird thing, I dunno.

Seriously what is with that dog.

Cue all those other girls and their cats showing up to have some cake, but her friend isn't answering despite ringing the bell like fifty times. Gee this is weird guess they better open the door and find her lying on the ground. Even though it has no reason to be ajar like that but whatever it's time for a commercial break.

They discover that her "pure heart crystal" is gone so they'd better get it back before someone else sweeps it up.

I'd make a joke about sweeping the streets of Tokyo but
f**k it. Just f**k it. I'm done here.

So. She runs through the streets, sweeping up... nothing I guess since she's leaving a trail of dust so thick you could see that shit from space, and picks up the signal of her "tick sensor".

Tick sensor.

Tick. Sensor.

... tick sensor.

What the what?

Enter Ami doing some bullshit computer shit to magically find shit there's no way in hell she'd have any reason to be able to find other than they just needed a way to get the heroes to the action. Her answer? "Somewhere within 10km to the north." THANKS. YOU ARE SUPER USEFUL OR SOMETHING. WE THINK. NOT REALLY ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT BUT THANKS ANYWAYS.

So the girls decide the best plan is to split up and... wait what. Suddenly Unazuki wakes up and has hearts in her eyes and is all "kiss".

... what? I'm sorry but.. what? Did we suddenly have a romance zombie now too? Is this the thing that is happening?

Asian Kissing Disease? Japanese Kissing Zombie? There's
gotta be some other way to define this syndrome.

So after being almost violently refused by Makoto (though to be fair, I'd probably want to play a few wet sloppy ones on her too), Usagi needs to give her the "you need to save your first kiss!" and then Ami comes up with a startling conclusion:

I'll just be over here, in the corner, driving my forehead into it.
Don't mind the sounds of crying, that's just the pain working.

So Rei puts a binding talisman on Unazuki's mouth, and she begins to convulse and oh god I suddenly realize there is probably an entire genre of porn dedicated to this kind of sick shit. Also? The way she convulses is... disturbing to say the least.

I need an adult...

So off they run to try and find this thing, but Ami picks up on a nearby Daimon. Then Mamoru shows up fast and she's all like "aw yeah I wanna ride your bike alright". Meanwhile, Rei is babysitting the kissing zombie and discovering that she is quickly on the route to becoming a real zombie. Zoom zoom goes the bike and they wind up at a junkyard. Which explodes because people are fighting.

Guess you'd better transform or some shit!

Also is it weird that Tuxedo Mask doesn't get a transformation sequence ever? He just runs off screen and comes back looking like a dapper sumbitch. Whatever, those other two are fighting the other thing who doesn't want to give up the crystal, but then Sailor Moon makes her debut about not forgiving someone for meddling with a first kiss pure heart kinda thing.

You couldn't just, I dunno, want to get rid of her because she's an unholy abomination that never should have existed?! She is a STRIPPING ELEPHANT VACUUM CLEANER FOR GOD'S SAKE.

That attacks with its extending tail-plug because vacuum cleaners.

Oh and she also ejects bags of dust from her stomach. Because vacuum cleaners.

I'm going to cry for a few minutes and see if watching gets any easier.

It seems that our heroes are having a hard time dealing with a stripping household appliance but Sailor Moon is all "gotta save the day" while the other two do all the actual fighting, and just as she is about to try and kill them, Tuxedo Mask steps in to plant a rose in her forehead. While standing on top of a pile of rejected toys. One of which looks like him.

This is becoming another recurring theme which is just weird.

So he tells her to "show it the power of justice" and then she jumps into her wandy cutscene where she stands there and twirls a thing and everybody goes "ooh aah ooh" for no reason, and then attacks the enemy fifteen seconds later with a giant heart.

Having been lovely'd to death, they hopefully decide to leave that wretched thing int he junkyard where it belongs. Also now the girls are fighting over the talisman, and while Uranus is restraining Sailor Moon she's all "we need that or she'll die!" and Uranus is all "yeah well, I know but too bad". Why, she asks?

That's okay I'm sure NONE of us will understand by the
time this whole thing is done and over with.

Meanwhile Neptune and Tuxeod Mask continue fighting, but then Neptune realizes it's not a talisman, it's just a normal crystal so I guess Sailor Moon can just run off with it or whatever. They're going to walk away and not care, and Tuxedo Mask is all "uh what just happened?" Oh and then those other three scouts show up too late for this episode, and now we focus on Uranus and Neptune talking about how they kind of hope that girl survives and boy it was so nice that it wasn't what they were looking for. Which I guess ticks Uranus off a bit.

Yes for vague reasons you don't even understand!

Hey it's their 'duty' so they gotta do it right? Cue flower petals and fade in to Unazuki getting her heart back and coming back to life yay. All the girls are totally relieved by this I guess. Or something.

Well... I wouldn't go THAT far...

Blah blah talking about how important a kiss is and how back in the day it meant you had to get hitched and boy isn't that a thing Usagi does a lot with that one dude and oh hey entrace exams better study or something right ha ha the end.

But not before Usagi and Mamoru have a touching moment on the porch and look at each other and are all "welp better make out right?"

Wait from which lifetime?

He doesn't seem able to remember their first kiss, probably because he was dying or something, and they fade out onto the moon THE REAL END.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to drown myself in bleach and hope I can get out STRIPPING ELEPHANT VACUUM CLEANER from my brain. Forever.