Sailor Moon S Episode 03 - A Wonderful, Beautiful Boy? The Secret of Haruka Tenoh

There is a lot of anime coming out this summer that I actually want to watch.

Between Sailor Moon Crystal (obligatory since I write this), Space Dandy, Persona 4 Golden the TV, and now Sword Art Online too (yeah it's not that great but whatever I liked it), I have to say there's a lot to look forward to for the first time in what seems like forever.

With that having been said, I'll admit that I am really surprised with Sailor Moon S thus far. It's... improved. Greatly so. The first two episodes are pretty much better than everything that's come before it. It still relies on the old formulas but they work so much better.

I may have to rethink the 'bad anime' tag in relation to this show. It may have finally gotten good.

Hopefully I don't regret these words by the end of this episode though.

So today on Sailor Moon... some beautiful dude shows up with a hot girl. Oh god.

Spoiler alert: That's not a dude.

Oh and those 'mysterious soldiers' show up. Who happen to look EXACTLY LIKE THE OTHER TWO PEOPLE WHO JUST SHOWED UP. Gee I wonder who they are.

QUICK, ROLL THE INTRO SONG. FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

Once the episode starts up, we see Usagi strolling around that shopping strip that she always walks through on her way to go hang out at Rei's. But when passing the arcade, she finds herself unable to just walk past, and freaks out as she sees something inside. Title slide!

Who should be chatting up a storm inside with that guy she totally had the hots for before she got a boyfriend? None other than Mina, who is talking about Artemis eating caramels.

I used to have the same reaction watching this show.
What happened?

She goes off on her friend for messing around when she, of all people, has been trying hard not to goof off. How is this fair at all? But leave it to the guy to really increase the creep factor once again. It's nice that some things never change.

Yeah, that makes everything sound so much better.

His excuse is that she looked as though she could use a break. All study and no play makes... uh, something something he just wanted to chat up another blonde teen at his job? Then Mina starts going off on a thing about how she's all "what if we fail our exams and regret not taking the time to have fun boo hoo" while totally missing the point entirely. But that's par for the course really.

Oh Japanese puns. You never get old when transliterated.

So yeah, Mina is still an idiot.

Best. Reaction. Ever.

But then the girls go off to play some racing games to blow off some steam, and Usagi loses spectacularly. But some mysterious person walks into the arcade. Who is it that will walk up as the girls argue over whether or not to continue playing F1 racing games?

Hey man turn down your backlighting I mean geez.

Cue the sakura petals flowing past as they realize...

Oh never mind they did it for me.

So Mina and Mystery Guy play some racing games. Or, rather, Mina plays some racing games while dude is all "yeah I'm giving her a handicap because she'll need it."

But then he takes up the wheel and breaks the rules of the game because he has the magical power of making the game do impossible shit. Needless to say, she loses.

Asshole. I hate you.

Of course it's about this time that other girl shows up. Also complete with sakura petals.

Yeah they're using the same effect on the other one too.

Haruka, as he has now been revealed to be, is all "next time I want to race with you, bun girl" and walks off. Cue the cheesy romantic music for a third time as they just still frame into the blinding gateway of the outside world.

Future so bright etc etc.

Motoki is all "yeah they've been coming around a lot lately" and Mina goes "oh you were still here?" At which point he's kind of offended because, well, he does kind of work there. Cut to a coffee shop where the couple is sitting around talking about stuff. As well as being stalked by those two girls from the arcade.

They continue to tail them, having considered that they must be dating or something. I mean they're all kind of always together right? But then Haruka walks into a motorcycle shop, and they wonder if maybe they might have been wrong. Turns out it's actually just a garage of some sort, and Haruka has pressing business with one of the mechanics there.

So now is a good time to cut back over to that evil lab where evil people are doing evil things. And using that lovely stock footage for the third time in the row. Seriously, it's just totally blatant. They have truly taken stock footage to a whole new level, having entire conversations with stock footage. It's amazing. An art form, if you will. They have elevated their game to new heights.

So now the Daimon Egg flies out of the sewers to infect.... the car being worked on in the garage. Lovely! Oh and those two girls are still standing outside, waiting for him. Mina wants Usagi to get over to Rei's but she doesn't want to leave because she is curious about things.

Commercial break time.

After the break, Haruka is all "okay girls you can totally stop following me now?" He introduces himself as a tenth grader named Haruka Tenoh, and totally doesn't blame them for stalking him. They ask about the girl  he was with. What is she to him? Well, her name is Michiru, and he tells Minako not to give up because... wait. I think someone is getting the wrong idea here.

There's definitely some confusion going on here.

Then this Michiru shows up and is all "yeah don't mind this dork, they always act like this around cute girls." And then they act all super familiar and Mina has to ask: Are they lovers? No, according to the girl. Which means she has a chance! Wait why does Usagi want Haruka all to herself suddenly?

You know that Mamoru is the guy you marry in the future.
You know this. And yet, you still want more.

Cue Usagi talking about how Mina is acting like Rei today, and cut to Rei sneezing because Japanese jokes people! They are super funny like that.

At least this is a good way to segue into the other girls wondering where their friends went, and showcasing that Rei actually does have psychic powers that work inconsistently.

That she even thinks Usagi would do a thing like that can
only spell disaster for Mamoru's future relationship with her.

Anyways back at the garage Haruka is all telling them about Mr. Kameda who is working to become a mechanic in the international race scene. And Haruka likes going there because of that. I guess he likes cars. And racing. Which explains why he's all super awesome at the racing games because such pro expert driver EXTREME.

Yeah I think we got that.

Oh, but then Haruka is all "no, that's not my dream anymore. Now I just want to do something only I can do. No matter what it costs." And this makes Michiru super sad. CUE THE BLOSSOMS AGAIN. So that dude finishes working on the car and grabs the steering wheel, and then it freaks out on him and the couple is all "Welp guess we gotta do a thing."

And the car transforms itself. Won't lie, it's kind of spectacular to watch.

Of course, when this is your end result...

What is it with this show and having totally bad-ass transformation sequences that, in all honesty, could be pretty horrifying to behold, only to wind up turning into something like THIS?! It completely kills any sense of dread the viewer might be experiencing, and replaces it with gut-busting laughter.

ESPECIALLY with names like this.

Steeringoo. Which is just someone saying the word "steering" in Engrish, because they don't actually comprehend the hard 'g' sound at the end of the word. But don't worry. She has some really well-written dialogue too.

That last thing I said was a lie.

Her first attack is "Jack Up".

I shit you not.

Jack Up.

... I missed you stupid monsters from last season.

Usagi and Minako try to get involved but slip on some oil because they are blonde and klutzes and only draw attention to themselves while the mechanic is, uh, getting jacked up. Seriously, he's just kind of hanging out.

Oh, but did I mention not only is this monster a race car, but a stripping race car?

No, I did not. I should have though.

This is so dumb, I can't even.

A stripping formula 1 car.

... oh my GOD. I just. What is happening?!

So the star glows and does a thing and the crystal is extracted and she zooms off to return it to Kaorinite, and after the girls unbury themselves from the mess they got themselves into, it's time for them to hurry up and transform and get that heart back.

Oh and Sailor Venus now has her own theme song complete with lyrics. Lyrics that are "Sailor Ve-nus." Moon also has similar snappy lyrics now too. In case you forgot who these characters were or anything.

Meanwhile, a getaway car is getting away.

Seriously. This show. I just. It's too much.

Oh but then Michiru and Haruka show up on a motor cycle, drop out of the sky and land on top of the stripping race car, and knock her down.

HA HA HOW SUBTLE.

Oh and those other girls show up on... a bicycle. Guess they introduce themselves and punish her in the name of the moon. But Steeringoo is all "can't let this happen" but then rose petals from the sky and Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune finally make their debut, declaring they have 'reasons' for seeking the talismans.

Also, now it's time for us to finally learn their attack names. See, Uranus has the "world shaking", and Neptune has the ever snazzy "deep submerge". You can see that they thought long and hard about these names. After nailing her with the attack, Sailor Moon does her super-recursive wand thing, and Lovelies the hell out of this evil race car.

I guess you could say she gave her opponent... a heart attack.

... I cannot promise that this is not a joke I will not make again. Because seriously. It is just too good.

Anyway, the new girls determine that this crystal isn't a talisman either, so they hand it to Sailor Moon to deal with as they make their exit into the super bright sunset.

Seriously do they not do ANYTHING that isn't
super freaking dramatic?!

Now we're back at the arcade, explaining to their friends why they never showed up to study. And now Luna and Artemis are "researching" these new Sailor Scouts, and that super hot couple shows up.

They've been waiting all episode to make this joke.

So yeah. Haruka is finally outed.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!!

Oh and of course they end the episode with Usagi totally reaffirming that she never wavered in her love whatsoever.

A million facepalms.

Oh and now we get a new ending.

... huh, this is weird. Why did they choose now to suddenly have a new one? This is the 92nd episode... it doesn't really make much sense. It's pretty boring though, it's jjust credits rolling past as we see faded images of all the characters in the show pass by, beside a twirling statue of Princess Serenity.

In other words, like the others, it's nothing to write home about. The song is different too, but also forgettable.

Stripper race car. I'm never gonna get over that one.