Sailor Moon S Episode 06 - Leave it to the Moon for Love Aid

Time sure seems to fly. My schedule has been kind of weird. I haven't been sleeping as much which is really throwing my energy levels off. Seems to be forever my curse, either I sleep too much or not enough. There's no real balance to it.

What's this got to do with anime? Believe it or not, it takes a great deal of willpower to muster the courage to watch stuff. Even Sailor Moon. Or especially Sailor Moon, I should say, given that... well, you've read about the last couple of episodes, right?

So what are we doing today? Stripping dishwashers? Stripping toy robots? Wait wait wait, I've got it: A stripping Mannequin. WAIT NO. A STRIPPING BIKINI.

I have successfully set the bar so low, this show cannot possibly hope to compete.

... right?

Today's episode will contain everybody's favorite character.

Favorite pick to be eaten by a shark is still a favorite.

I get this sneaking suspicion, due to the episode overview, that today's episode has something to do with food, what with "Umino and Naru's love tasting like lemons" or something about fried shrimp. Oh god, don't tell me we're going to put up with STRIPPING FOOD?! QUICK PLAY THE GODDAMN INTRO ALREADY INQUIRIES MUST BE MADE. FOR SCIENCE. OR SOMETHING.

SCIENCE IS A GOOD EXCUSE RIGHT?

I hate how freaking awesome the intro is. Because it is SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN THIS SHOW COULD EVER HOPE TO BE. SO MUCH BETTER.

I get the feeling that maybe the intro could be the best part of this show period. As in, people don't remember anything else except for that crowning bit of awesome.

So, guess how we're starting today's episode? Why, with stock footage of the dark evil laboratory, of course! Except today they're trying to recycle some of the bits they only showed during the first episode, in an attempt to make you foolishly believe that things are different.

Oh, and they're also reminding you that Team Rocket is looking for talismans that reside in pure hearts and blah blah the professor is worried about how many Daimon Eggs he's gonna need to make before they can do this thing.

One might think that, being a scientist, he might understand that his creations are getting destroyed one at a time. As such, it would seem a prudent course of action to hold off sending them out solo, maybe make a small batch and have them all work together or something? I mean let's be honest here, it's not like anybody is gonna catch on to what you're doing, and to be perfectly frank, why are you worried about wasting time? You've got all the damn time in the world, and it would be faster if you just grew a bunch of those things at the same time.

Ah but he wants to know what they've heard about those stupid Sailor Scouts, and he does actually acknowledge the futility of sending out the Eggs. Though, again... you keep sending them out alone maybe that is your problem here dude.

Lady, you have been there personally every single time.
I think what you really mean is you'll actually do something
for once in your goddamned life?

This seems to please Professor Darkglasses, and they actually animate something new as he sends the egg over to Kaorinite, who takes it and vanishes. Cue the title slide and welcome to three minutes into the show already. Yeesh.

After the title slide, cut to Usagi meeting the creeper Umino after school. For... reasons.

This better not be for 'research purposes'.

He has a secret to tell her: Naru has been acting strangely lately. She insists nothing is wrong, but doesn't want to go home with him after school. And totally denies not telling him something, which causes him to enter a vortex of inescapable depression. Why, he loves her, how could she possibly want to be with some other dude? He makes her favorite fried shrimp every single day. So clearly that might be the issue, he wonders?

... frankly dude, it sounds to me like you just want to fatten her up and she got tired of your shit. But hey, leave it to Usagi, she'll totally 'casually' mention this to Naru later.

Enter the girls at the park where Naru is all "man he's being weird and shit and I feel like he's keeping secrets, like what if he has a new girlfriend or something?" Which causes the moronic rabbit to burst out laughing.

To be fair, those glasses do seem to indicate his chances
of actually dating anybody else seem astronomically low.

Hell, Usagi even declares that there's no way that guy would be popular with the girls. Which is a great thing to say to your friend who is, y'know. Dating the dude. Clearly a winner is this one.

Of course Naru storms off, and Usagi realizes that both of them think the same thing, and so there's totally a really simple way to solve all of this. So off she goes to talk to Rei to get advice on the whole dating thing. Her take? Well if they really care, you just need to go ahead and make them reaffirm their feelings for one another! And boy does she have the perfect plan for this just handy.

A what.

So there's a new place opening up called "Lover's Park". And to celebrate they are holding an "Affection contest".

Remember back in the first season, when they had that thing where there was a "wedding contest" where you had to make your own dress and you could get a free wedding or something? Well... consider this the new reigning champion of WHAT THE F**K JAPAN. WHAT THE F**K.

Fortunately, the rules for this contest are pretty simple. Just show up with some significant other and stand in front of a big stupid giant glowy heart thing and bam, it rates you on some sort of esoteric Eldritch-powered algorithm probably concocted by a dude who has never had a relationship to begin with.

Oh and this 'plan' of Rei's hinges on them winning the contest. Which will totally make them like one another even more, right?

.... be right back driving to Home Depot so I can drive my skull through a 4x4.

Of course because Rei is planning for them to win (which how can she even consider this, even WITH the whole psychic bullshit which is NEVER this clear!), that means Usagi can't enter with Mamoru. Because that would be cheating or... something.

I'm still not entirely sold on their relationship and we are almost halfway through the entire series. That's a long time to sell me on a thing.

Cue the montage where Usagi leads the not-so-happy couple to the park where registration has already closed. Whoops.

... but apparently the writers thought this was clearly a dumb idea.

Oh but no worries, because they've already signed up anyways. Not that they told one another about it before now. But gee, I guess that solves that, right? Wow, what a misunderstanding, glad that all of that is out now. Guess you can go back to cooking your girlfriend fattening foods and trying not to look like a total loser in front of hundreds of people.

Also, let me just point out how f***ing creepy Umino is. Not that you really need more proof but here, just take a look at this:

Dude has a giant poster of his girlfriend pinned up in his room.

And just in case you were wondering about size for comparison....

If I were you, I'd be nervous about being arrested for being
such a total creep too. How do you normally sleep?!

Ah but now is the time to see the Daimon Egg do its stock footage thing on the stage where the heart is. Oh the noes! Also, Umino literally stayed up all night counting 30,000 sheep.

Cut to silhouettes of those other two girls going "this park is evil" and "gotta get the talismans". Oh and now it's the day of the contest and boy what a coincidence everybody is there. Those other four showed up to give support for those two characters who I'm not entirely certain they have ever really interacted with, outside of the whole fighting thing.

... and now Ami seems pretty creeptacular to me too. Holy shit.

The other girls immediately turn to her and go "wait what" and she gets all embarrassed and totally isn't about to admit that she is going to furiously... nah, I'm not even gonna make that joke. Just not even. I like to think I have some f***ing standards.

Anyways Haruka and Michiru also show up to the contest and one has to wonder if maybe they came as a couple. I mean they pretty much look at it already, and oh look the contest is starting.

... by the way? They are actually competing for some reason.

Sorry dude, I don't think you've got a chance in hell.

Our illustrious host is all "the ones with the purest heart will win!" and you can already detect me facepalming, because you just know that Kaorinite is standing there, hiding behind a tree, watching. Waiting.

... if she can't find what she's looking for, what makes her think clueless humans will be able to accomplish for her? This is pretty much a waste of her time.

So this seems to be a series of 'games' or challenges. It's... kinda weird, but at an acceptable level I guess.

Definitely an acceptable level of weird.

Doesn't take long for Haruka to grab Michiru's hand almost immediately, but when asked to please cry out her lover's name, she seems... well, a bit hesitant. I can't imagine why.

Yes see, it's right there above "lesbian makeout sesh".

Congrats, you won. Now it's Umino's turn, and he remembers that she was wearing a band-aid, so clearly that's the right person! Except it's not, and the lady knocks him out for being a creepy perv.

Oh and that bandaid was six months ago. Yeesh.

Not off to a great start, but she's touched that he would remember something so utterly pointless.

... some people would just consider that weird and uh... kind of out of touch.

Anyhow team Girlfriends are all two minds about this contest. Haruka thinks it's dumb that the others are such tryhards, while Michiru is all "I think it's kinda nice and all them taking this shit so seriously I mean, it's kinda romantic right?"

QUICK CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK WHILE HARUKA CONSIDERS HOW SUPERIOR UMINO IS TO HER.

Next is a 'three-legged race of love'. Followed by the "karaoke of love". And despite being so absolutely terrible at everything, Michiru can't help but feel that Umino is putting the most heart into this thing of all, by virtue of just being flat-out terrible at life.

... I can't say I've ever seen a "so bad it's good" trope work in a romantic story, because that's not normally how this works. At all.

Eventually they cut to the final game. The "Confess Your Love" game. Which... is totally based on applause from the crowd. Team Girlfriends decide to bow out. Or at least, Haruka decides to, because, well, it looks like they'd win. Which would truly be a crime.

Someone that is a bigger dick than Mamoru... I'm shocked.

After declaring that "true love should win", the girls walk off the stage to a crowd of applause for being... well, for being such amazing dicks or something I guess, I dunno. I mean it's a nice speech, but you're still basically spitting in the face of this contest that you totally signed up for on a whim. Why did you feel it necessary to compete in the first place? Why wait so long? Why not just observe from the crowd in the first place?

So some of the other couples begin to declare their love for one another... and one dude is so fired up you can see right through his mouth.

How the f**k do you miss THIS during the post-check?

Finally they get to Umino and Naru, and dude is so nervous he trips over a cord before he can say anything. But then he climbs to his knees and starts waxing poetic about how she puts up with all of his shit and is kind of amazing for it.

To be honest, you're lucky anybody treats you like a human
being, much less dates you, so this is pretty accurate.

So after a long-winded speech, he says that, just to see her smile, he would totally kill himself because that's how much he cares, and it's no surprise that they are suddenly the winnars. Spotlight and everything and oh look it's time to stand in front of that giant heart-shaped thing. Umino reached out and touches it, and it flashes and glows, before turning into a monster. Whoops. So what do we have?

WITH A  VENGEANCE.

Today's enemy is DIE HEART. I have to wonder if she will be joined by any other accompanying phrased like "Yippie-ki-yay" or has a sister named "DIE HEARTER".

Oh Bruce Willis, you will always have a place in my man-heart.

So Umino doesn't want to run away, but wants to protect Naru, and he gets zapped by a thing. Which means Usagi should transform in the middle of a crowd because, uh, this is a thing.

Also, I'm not entirely sure this enemy utilized a stripping attack. They kinda glossed over that. Maybe someone realized how dumb a "stripping heart" would be? Oh and I suppose they have a lot of time to eat up so better have everyone else transform too, one at a time. Because, y'know. Reasons not related to not taking the time to properly flesh this episode out or anything.

At least she didn't have to strip this time...

So this one's star is actually in a place that makes some kind of sense. On her cheek, where a beauty mark might be. I can live with that. But still... why is this even a thing?

Anyway she rips his heart out and then Sailor Moon shows up to yell at the villain for being a jerk. Oh and those other girls too I guess. They take the time to introduce themselves in turn. Oh and Kaorinite shows up to chuckle, and DIE HEART reaches into her own chest and tells people to dance or something. Oh, okay then. Wait what?

Suddenly, GUYS.

That's not a typo, that is legit what they're saying.

So after telling the girls LET"S DANCING they start dancing with the guys and immediately become ensared by the most awesome looking monsters yet. Man, where were these things when we could've really used them?!

I can't believe it took over 90 episodes for them to start using
ACTUAL MINIONS FOR ONCE.

So the girls get electrocuted, Naru gets bitchslapped aside, and then those other two girls show up just before DIE HEART can play with the new crystal. Kaorinite tells her buddy to make them dance, but before she can Uranus just kind of makes the world shake. Which frees everyone from their respective illusions, and Kaorinite is all "dude we can just make more of these things" and decides to throw lightning and leave.

... wait I thought you were supposed to be handling this situation personally, not just giving up before you even learned if the thing you were looking for is the thing you found.

Whatever she leaves and Naru cries over Umino, and the girls confirm this isn't a talisman, and give him back his heart while the monster looks at those other five.

Unfortunately, since it's the end of the episode it's time for Sailor Moon to just announce that this shit is over and plays with her baton as she informs her foe that today IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE HEART.

She seems just as disappointed as I am. Enemy smashed, Daimon Egg destroyed, blah blah everyone clap for the happy couple that won this weird contest. Then Ami is all "I wish I could..." and trails off which... is awkward to say the least. The couple is happy and exchanges brief words and the episode ends.

... man that was kind of a bland, soulless ending there. They spent so much time with the filler and went "shit ran out of time better end this" and just... Deus ex Machina'd their way into resolution. But at least we didn't have any Tuxedo Mask saving the day. Not that there would have been any time for that, mind you.

I have to wonder if we have finally sunken back to the 'normal' level of badness, where the enemies have evil plots that make no sense, who act only according to the script they are given (which is poorly written at best), and whose motivations are as fleeting as the sweet summer breeze through the forest.

... well, we'll see if the next episode has any stripping boxed lunches or something. Wait no, a stripping towel! NO WAIT. A STRIPPING SHOWER.

Seriously. The possibilities are endless with this, and I am never going to forgive this show for some of the shit it has pulled.

... stupid goddamned stripping race car. I mean seriously...