Master of Martial Hearts Episode 04 - Silently, Like Secrets

Episode 4. God, it feels like forever since I started watching this pile of crap, but with every passing moment, I come closer to the end of our relatively short journey. It makes me wonder what I should do next - there are so very many choices, and I've got quite the extensive list to go through.

Maybe something like Dragonaut if I can find it.

Anyways, enough pondering and shit, let's get on with the show! And what a show it will be. Or would be, if it were any good. These are the guys who gave us Wanna Be the Strongest in the World!, remember?

Just like the last couple of episodes, they lead us in with the crappy opening with the annoying song. What pisses me off the most about this isn't just how crappy it is, but how much this horrendous song keeps getting stuck in my head. It's trying oh so desperately to be good and peppy and upbeat and a good song, but all it does it just really emphasize how out of touch this entire show really is.

I mean, we started with a martial arts anime and now we've moved into the psychological thriller/horror territory, and not even in a very good way! It's just... kinda happened like that.

Anyhow, they start off with the recap of her beating that one girl who is in the intro and never got a name (and her boobies because hey who likes tits we like tits here have some naked tits) and they try to remind you why you should care about the characters and the struggles they endure in the first place. Oh and that one guy she wanted to badtouch is secretly the evil villain.

... by the way what the f**k is up with this episode title? "Silently, Like Secrets"? How does that make any kind of goddamn sense?

IT IS DAYTIME. EVERYTHING IS BRIGHT AND HAPPY AND AYA WILL BE LATE IF SHE DOES NOT GET UP AND EAT HER DAMN BREAKFAST. It's what she gets for coming home late or whatever, but then her mom stops yelling as she sees her kiddo finally come crawling out of her room looking all mopey and shit. Guess she was already up after all? Gee, looks like she's leaving without eating, must be a school thing or something?

Nah, she just wants to beat the crowded trains. I mean, she wants to get on the trains while they are less crowded, not beat up entire trains full of people. Although really, let's be honest, that would be entertaining as f**k to watch. Not to mention way out of their budget and a billion times more interesting than the rest of the show. Moving along!

Mom code for "okay, are we gonna have to kill some bitches
because, y'know, I kinda taught you White Lotus Kung Fu."

Instead of answering her mom and enlisting her help she just kinda leaves or whatever, and is like "I just don't want her to worry". Cut to the mom doing the dishes and going "hold on a second" and looks at that photo of when her hubby was still alive, and... I dunno. Was there a point to that or something? Because it just kind of happens out of nowhere. What are we supposed to take from this, exactly?

So, train station. There are people waiting for the train. Also more internal monologuing about the whole Haruki being some kind of evil billionaire genius... badguy thing.

Why does he have to? Can't he just want to?

She wonders if her buddy Natsume knows about this, and if that was the reason she was brought into the contest, and then the train is off. She is riding the train and watching the wonderfully shitty still frame image scroll lazily by, Aya begins to question the reality she is living in.

Except for the part where, I dunno, he's kinda been around?

Oh, of course, it must be an evil twin. That'd explain it. She looks at her phone charm and is like "what should I ask Natsume" and uh... shouldn't you have been asking that like, awhile ago or something?

Anyhoo, that one girl that totally doesn't want to bang her silly shows up because her pal is depressed at school or some shit.

Well, your brother saw my tits and I beat up a bitch so yeah,
I guess that was kinda fun in a weird way.

Doesn't take long for Natsume to pick up on something weird going on, and wonders if she got another fight thingy. But then Aya asks about where bro was last night, and it turns out he did go out somewhere. But where? She must know!

She just asked a bunch of questions about him, and now you're
wondering if she wants to know something about him?

So she reveals that she met the guy who runs Platonic Heart and looks a hell of a lot like her brother. But surely they couldn't be the same person right? I mean, I'm sure evil twins just show up all over the place.

But then Natsume is all worried and shit and tries to cover up by saying she's just tired. I mean surely, that's just it. She's tired and there is no reason at all that Natsume would look like she wants to shit a gold brick or anything.

I'm sure you would have noticed your brother was a
crazy billionaire, unless you were in on it or something.

And now Natsume begins beating herself up for being useless and unable to help her friend out. But she is easy to please and is paid off with just a smile and a "that was fun". After reaffirming her vow to find something out, she gets a text about how the semifinals are taking place at 10am over in Akihabara.

Let me just pause here for a moment. Akihabara. It's... well, a pretty freaking awesome place, or so I hear. I've never been there but I want to go, because it is more or less a giant shopping district for all kinds of awesome shit. Book stores, electronic stores, or as any anime nerd will tell you, anime and video game related bullshit. You want your pervy childporn comics? You go to Akihabara.

That having been said, let's see how an anime decides to portray the supposed fans of its own genre. I'm sure they'll be super flattering, right?

That's what he said...

Childish humor aside, turns out that brat decided to tag along because she can't let her best pal just skip school alone, right? I mean that would be wrong. Who cares if she's a straight A student or something? Wait, since when did she have great grades...? Eh, whatever.

So they show us, once again, that shitty 3D rendering that would have been acceptable over a decade before this show came out, and are all "no matter what I must win!" Thanks for reinforcing that yet again. And telling us about how you're totally gonna find out who is behind this whole thing... for the third time this episode. You keep talking about how you're gonna do shit, just padding in time whining about it until you can justify rushing through the fight scene.

Finally they decide "yeah the place must be near here, called Pine and Bamboo", at which point they single out two dudes, and slowly have the camera crawl in on their faces.

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, your stereotypical
Otaku Loser Dudes.

Cue the funny music as they wander into a store and it turns out, oh hey there's the place they were looking for. It's a Maid Cafe! And they are greeted by waitresses who bring them into the front of the packed room for... oh good christ.

Just kill me now. Please. Just do it. I don't care anymore.

The music dies down and the maids introduce some super star or something named Rin something or other. Time to get the show on the road! So welcome her, or else you losers.

What's going on, wonders Aya? What is this? But then Rin shows up in a poof of smoke: A Magical Maid.

I don't think I want to live on this planet anymore.

A magical girl who is also a maid. What is my life. Then the spotlight isolates Aya, and the otakus are all "a schoolgirl? Meh, who cares, just die already" and congratulations, you are totally portraying your audience 100% faithfully: a blind mob who cares only for their "super cute" mascot girl. They are really here to watch their cute idol beat the shit out of somebody?

That's some pretty sick shit.

But then Rin compares Aya to a Gorilla, and the crowd laughs, so that means it is on. Like that thing which is now totally copyrighted.

Just kill me. In a fire. Please. Burn it all away.

She's all "I'm going to break into the entertainment world" and we get our commercial break finally! God, they practically wasted the entire first half of the show, so I was wondering when they would try to salvage this mess, and it looks like that time is now. Because for reference, the only thing that has been established is that, yeah, dude is probably actually in charge of this whole twisted ordeal. Yeah. And whining about it.

So now they're on the stage and it's time for them to fight! Two undefeated warriors ready to tear one another up for fun and profit.

Even the crowd's stern disapproval of the opponent is
just hilariously bad. Just. So f***ing bad. They sound like
growling dogs man. What the hell.

The bell finally rings and they get right to it, with the maid dancing around because, well, that's what she does. Oh and she makes fun about how she's totally just kicking and flashing her panties in front of all those dudes, I mean, how shameless can you be?

Welcome to a thing Otaku NEVER say.

Blah blah she's fighting without rhythm, time to put on some music and start... singing a magical girl theme while promoting her album.

.... WHAT.

WHAT. THE. F**K. AM I WATCHING. There is no fight at this point, she's just singing and then I guess she'll finally do a magic attack or something. But everyone better chant the magic at- THAT IS NOT A MAGIC ATTACK.

THERE IS NOTHING MAGIC ABOUT THIS, IT IS A
GODDAMN SPEAR.

I'm sorry. It's a chainsaw spear.

A CHAINSAW. SPEAR.

I need to take a break, to inform you of just how difficult it is to continue watching this show at this point. I'm all for trying to use character themes in new and interesting ways, but this? This is almost sacrilegious. It flies in the face of everything else. I mean, you are doing this shit in front of a live crowd. And NOBODY SEEMS TO SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS?!

Welp time to start cutting her clothes up. Which kind of makes Aya mad because what the hell is up with that anyways?

Of course she is singing the whole time, and once Aya's skirt gets cut up, the crowd begins to go wild. SO MUCH FOR NOT WANTING THEM PANTY SHOTS RIGHT GUYS?

And Aya is like "Man, if I'm holding my clothes together like this I can't fight like I want to." BITCH. THIS CHICK IS CRAZY AND TRYING TO KILL YOU. F**K MODESTY AND JUST PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AND YOU'RE DONE. I MEAN REALLY.

Leave it up to Natsume to point out that she always winds up fighting in worse condition than that, and she's all "but I can't show myself to these icky guys I haven't even shown Haruki that" ignoring both that he totally saw your nips yesterday at the pool and that OH WAIT HE'S KIND OF AN EVIL BASTARD ANYWAYS but please continue your timely freakout.

But she falls back through the door and out of the room, and Rin declares a victory. Hooray. The crowd goes wild, and now she's going to start her solo concert so oh wait hold on she's back and wearing OH FOR-

A catgirl maid outfit.

According to the other maids, this is no ordinary maid outfit, you see. No, it is the legendary catgirl maid outfit. Which annoys the resident champ, and winds up winning over her own crowd.

Pretty sure you meant penis there, buddy.

And now all the fanboys want to fight over who gets to have the catgirl maid. It's a little bit distressing, to say the least, and it makes the resident champ kind of mad, so it's time for them to fight some more. Oh but, she's using a wand as a weapon and that makes her a coward, boo, hiss, evil little girl, what was she thinking.

The more I watch, the harder it is to find the will to continue living.

Turns out that one evil lady from the last episode is watching and is all like "blah blah something deep and philosophical but not really" and then the maid goes nuts about how Aya stole her masters. Oh and creepychick is like "her defeat lies in relying on the nerds' cry of support and her maid costume".

... sure. Okay. Whatever gets us to the end here.

This really isn't even applicable but whatever makes
you feel more legitimate, evil lady.

Then Aya talks about strength from within and punches her so hard her dress rips wide open and sends her into the crowd which then presses in to molest her. Because that's how they show their love for someone.

Then some dudes show up to cart the body away and the guys won't let her go because it's so hot the way she treats them with contempt.

Pardon me while I throw up a little.

Eventually she manages to break her way out of the crowd and the lady is like "welp championship is next hope to see you there" and by the time Aya gets outside, the entire area is deserted. And a cold wind blows and now it is evening and time to eat at MOE BURGER. In your new outfit, just because. I mean it's not like they've got much choice what with no change of clothes, unlike every other time. They discuss this as they walk through the streets... wait they're not at Moe Burger. So why show us that? Is that where they are going? WHY DO YOU ESTABLISH A SCENE AND THEN GO TO SOME OTHER SCENE INSTEAD?!

Spoiler alert: She just wants you naked in her room.

After all they can't let her mom worry so they'll go back to Natsume's place. Y'know, get some new clothes so her mom doesn't suspect things because hey, it's not like she's told her about the whole fighting contest shindig. But who should show up but Natsume's mom and brother!

Man he is a smug dick about this isn't he.

He calls her cute and she's all "ooh hoo well yay" and he's like "so you skipped class huh? Oh well whatever, let's go get you that yarn mom" and they walk off, somehow making Aya totally forget about how he is orchestrating this big fighting contest for women thing, and Natsume is like "seriously, that guy behind this whole thing? You must be joking" and then OH NO THE MOM COVERS UP A NECK WOUND SUDDENLY, THE HORRORS.

Why even bother with the facade after revealing yourself? What sense does that make?

But we're not done yet. Because THE FINAL FIGHT NOTICE IS HERE. IT IS DARK IN THE CITY. AYA IS GETTING THE SHIT BEAT OUF OF HER BY CHINESE DRESS FORTUNE TELLER CHICK. THEY TALK. AYA GETS FLIPPED. BLAH BLAH BOY SHE REALLY SUCKS AT THIS THING.

I guess this fortune teller is a mind reader because she talks about how Aya is looking for a girl named Miko.

This seems like an incredibly impractical thing to carry.

Oh but it's not the crystal ball that's magic, see, she's just psychic. Yeah because I believe that one too. Blah blah I can tell you don't believe me etc etc but Aya is like "yeah that's probably some bull" and gets kneed again and then the lady is like "I'm totally gonna win this thing ha ha" and episode end.

...

I am... I. How do I even begin to describe this mess. How do I even begin to wrap my mind around it all. What words do you use to express these feelings of incredible confusion and utter disbelief at how poorly this show is cobbled together.

I am beginning to suspect that this show is so godawful bad, that it's actually a work of art. Because... my god. How can you have something this terrible?! Just... how do you manage it? How?!

I think next week, I may find my answers. Or probably not. My brain will likely explode first.

What is this show...?