Sailor Moon S Episode 09 - Save Friends! Moon and Uranus Join Forces

It's been a really difficult last couple of weeks for me. Lots of personal things came up, and kept me from being able to sit down and do a thing. A thing which resembles this thing you are reading now. (It's a thing.)

For that, I'm sorry. But life must come first, and not having the energy to sit down for two hours (or an hour and a half or however long it takes me) to write this just has to take a back seat. On the bright side however, I've got a pretty good backlog of stuff that I should be writing about.

Stuff that I won't tell you about yet but I can assure you will be coming soon. Perhaps tomorrow soon. Perhaps fives days a week for a few weeks soon. Crazier things have happened am I right?

Anyways, it's time for Sailor Moon Mondays. Let's kick this off right, and see what motorcycles have to do with today's episode huh?

Mmm, Motorcycles. Have I ever mentioned I enjoy a bit of Kamen Rider from time to time? This reminds me that I really ought to be watching Gaim. Yeah, I know...

Is it can be SUPER X-CITE BIKE tiem?

I think that image is about all we need to know about for today's episode preview. It's pretty self explanatory. Tells us everything we need to know and more.

Trust me when I say the rest of it both makes me excited and disappointed all at once. HOW IS SUCH A THING POSSIBLE? Um, because it means I can write about something that is just truly horrendous but also means I have to sit through it all.

God help me I think I'm going insane.

We begin today's episode in a very cool way, with an entire wall full of monitors which are slowly turning on one after another.

This is definitely one of the coolest damn things I've seen in
this show.

Finally breaking up some of the monotony of resorting to stock footage, they instead resort to simply recycling previous stock footage to be displayed in a new manner. Which, while still somewhat lazy, is at the very least an acceptable level of laziness. Even if they aren't even bothering to animate anything new?

She is just kind of standing around not talking.

So Team Rocket finally decides they should look into these two, and find out what their deal is. I mean they're always showing up and stuff, they also seem to have the same goal, so it's in their best interests to deal with this situation before trying to tackle those other five girls and their silly Tuxedo-laden guy.

Title slide time!

Picture rural Japan. A dirtbike track. Off-road bikes majestically sailing across the screen through the air without anything resembling an arc. Flags are waved, races are won by a woman and wait why is the whole gang suddenly here watching this exactly?

Wait since when is everyone great friends with Haruka?

Boy, Haruka sure is awesome, winning against all those boys. She has so much talent, so much that it allows her to outshine those guys. Sorry I'm trying not to throw up with all the backhanded misogyny permeating this episode.

... oh that's just too easy.

Oh yeah an Ami is still being all "oh crap I forgot one of my English vocab words" and its like who the f**k cares already you are a bland and meaningless character who just does the exact same thing all the damn time shut up already.

So then Haruka and La Blue Girl are standing around after the race and both are surprised as the rest of the gang shows up suddenly. Oh but then some guys come up brandishing wrenches in their uniforms all angry because they got beat by a girl.

Wow, this suddenly took on a pretty dark turn.

But then a dude who literally has his name on his chest shows up and is all "the hell is wrong with you losers? Quit whining and win the next one god."

His name is actually Yamada.

So then those guys walk off and we find out Yamada just placed second in this race, and those two girls whisper about how he must have such a 'pure' heart and they should keep an 'eye' on him.

... okay yeah this is just sounding a lot like bullshit. How are you determining if someone's heart is 'pure' exactly? Because I'm thinking the whole 'pure heart' thing is really bullshit.

So after almost sharing a kiss, the gang walks through some outdoor market stalls on their way to the bus, and wind up leaving Usagi behind because she got distracted by fluffy things. Oh no, whatever will the group do?

Oh, right. They'll just ignore her. Great plan.

Whoops. OH well, guess she's going to have to just hang out until the next bus shows up. An entire hour? My god, the horrors. Good thing Haruka shows up to just give her a ride out of nowhere, totally not being followed by a truck full of bikes and guys who are mad. Who are probably going to try to run over her and an innocent girl because motocross racing is serious business.

The most serious of business.

Guess they'll just have to make a hasty escape. Oh noes bike guys, who'd have thought that someone who just won a motocross race on her bike would be able to outrun your truck full of bikes.

I get the feeling they may not have thought this through very well.

So Haruka and Usagi head off-road and wait for them to stop nearby, and just kind of hide out while the guys get out of their truck and begin looking around. Which means this is the perfect time for Usagi to start fantasizing about Haruka, who is currently holding her closely.

Wow, your life is in danger and you are actually doing this?

But then Haruka steps out and kicks the shit out of some guys before telling them that racing should be won fair and square and they should just cut the shit.

So now it's time for a montage of off-road... stuff on a bike I guess. Yamada isa ll like "totes gonna win the next race" while Neptune keeps an eye on him, but then Kaorinite shows up with an egg to infect a dude and his bike. Or just his bike I guess. What a surprise!

Anyways back with those other two girls, they reveal that they probably do not know as much about motorcycles as one might imagine.

You almost get run off the road and you blame the spark plug?

Of course now is the time when Haruka's watch starts going off and her girlfriend says "yo, bike track hurry". Which means she can use the clever cover of "Uh, I have an errand to run and since my bike is broke I can't take you home so... uh, you're on your own later."

Even Usagi wonders what is up with this, but meanwhile Yamada is probably pissing himself right about now.

So help me god if she opens her 'headlight', I am done.

At least this monster's 'hidden area' is on her forehead. But her name is "Tiren". So... bonus points for idiotic names. Tiren? Really? That doesn't even sound awesome. It just sounds dumb. This whole show just keeps sounding dumb. STOP SOUNDING DUMB GOD DAMN IT.

So blah blah dude gets hit wit ha star thing, his heart gets pulled out, and Neptune shows up to do a thing. Water water time to attack a monster blah, monster goes boom and crystal falls down. Turns out it's not a talisman, but that's okay because she just activated their trap card. Which was waiting for her to show up alone. Oh and the monster isn't dead because bikes have two tires.

*sigh*

The monsters turn into Kirby-like tires and run around and tie Neptune to a tree or something... somehow, and Uranus shows up much to Kaorinite's pleasant surprise. So now we'll just cut over to that part where Usagi runs through the woods to catch up for no good reason, presumably to spy on her, before running across a commercial break.

Afterwards she discovers that there's a thing going on and Uranus is under attack by tire monsters, so she should transform and become Sailor Moon and save the day in the name of Love and Justice and something or other.

That quality animation bruh.

So after doing a flip, Uranus is told to do nothing or a bitch gon' get shanked, but then a tiara shows up to give physics the middle finger, and in a super dramatic fashion the monsters of the day are like "who are you?!"

Oh, and even though Sailor Moon is mad at those girls she is totally gonna save their butts anyways. Of course neither really wants to work with the other, but in this case Sailor Moon is the only one willing to swallow her pride and try to help them out at first. Eventually, Uranus decides the girl probably has a point or something, and they should fight together. But not before they get handcuffed together.

Evil lady has a laugh and the girls wind up bumping into one another again and again, but then Neptune calls for Uranus to get the hell out before getting choked by Kaorinite's hair. And then getting thrown off a cliff and into a waterfall.

... wait what?

Are you guys even trying to animate at this point?

Bonus points of hilariously bad animation: What the hell is up with this frame?

This just makes no sense at all. Why is it even here?

Anyway the water girl falls into the waterfall, and Uranus drags Sailor Moon away so they can be chased by monster tires. Eventually they wander into a cave to hide while Uranus tries to get the handcuffs off.

Headlight joke goes here.

They only stick around for a few seconds before giving up and moving on, and Uranus and Moon get to have a lovely conversation about how Uranus is totes a heartless bitch for not even caring about her partner. Which makes her mad because she's just following through on a totally unreasonable promise that she made awhile back about how they wouldn't let things like 'emotions' get in the way of doing what needed to be done.

Even though really right now what needs to be done appears to be making sure your partner isn't, I dunno, drowning or something?

Regardless, Uranus makes the point that the most important thing is finding these stupid talismans. Prompting Usagi to summon up the courage to actually ask a reasonable question for once, and since they are handcuffed together, at least she knows the other girl won't just run off without saying anything this time around.

It's awfully refreshing to see our heroine actually asking
the right questions now and again.

... not that this is going to prompt her to actually answer the question. Because... reasons I guess? She pushes though. I mean, what's the point if you're hurting all of these people whose hearts you just allow to be snatched? To almost die? I mean, what kind of cold, heartless monster do you have to be to allow such a thing to occur?

This is enough to make Uranus snap and totally sound like a crazy person by declare that "silence is approaching the world". Oh and the talismans are the only thing that can stop that so it's kind of important they keep this from happening I guess.

Blah blah hard choices what would Sailor Moon do blah water dripping from stalactites. Time to look at that waterfall while Kaorinite wonders if Neptune is dead. Oh what's that we're going back to that other scene where Uranus is hurt and oh no how rude of Moon? Okay, cool I guess. Guess this is the part where they decide to work together and stop being assholes to one another for like five minutes to go kick some ass and part ways.

A healing handkerchief later, Uranus wonders why Sailor Moon woudl bother helping, and she's all "dude, can't just see someone in pain, but by the way can you scratch my back?"

Truly, they are bonding in the greatest of fashion.

........

Headlights come back and Sailor Moon gets pushed up against Uranus' chest, and she smells that same cologne from when Haruka was holding her earlier. Wait, could it be? Someone that looks and sounds exactly like that other girl she knows and who always happens to be around at the same time those other girls are around could actually be the same person? My god. WHAT A REVELATION.

Better cue the monster fight though before things get too serious.

Of course now they suddenly have perfect coordination and are able to convince the monsters to break their bonds, while Kaorinite wonders what the hell is going on. Oh and Neptune is still alive, but Sailor Moon steps in for the intercept to make sure girl stays alive.

Then Uranus does a thing and kills a monster, and Sailor Moon does her thing to actually end the damn fight. Which makes the villain run off, and Uranus begrudgingly accepts that maybe Sailor Moon helped out a little. Still better not get in her way though.

Oh and Uranus totally didn't come back to save Neptune, that was all Sailor Moon. THE END.

It is at moments like this, just after the episode has ended, that I tend to take a few moments to collect my thoughts. To ask myself why I bothered watching this thing. To figure out what I should say to end the entry I am working on.

And today, I've got nothing. I mean, nothing. They have rendered me unable to process what I have just watched.

So I'll let you, the Internet, tell me instead.

What the hell did I just watch?

Also. Why the hell is everybody in this world so god damned stupid?