Free! Eternal Summer Episode 02 - The Stroke of a Chance Meeting!

I've been avoiding this show like the plague, but I fear I can no longer ignore it. It has simply become too big. It is a thing. It keeps happening. And unlike Endless Eight, I'm not sure I like it.

... or if I do somehow like it, I'm not sure that can be considered a good thing.

Well, the first episode showed zero minimal some moderate progress. In that it did everything last season's first episode in pretty much the same way, cut out all that other bullshit and managed to somehow introduce every single character in a single episode.

... that's progress, right?

It begins with this guy we don't know yet meeting up with Rin, and they proceed to have the manliest greeting handshake ever.

DO YOU SEE HOW MANLY THIS IS?!

Wait, I'm sorry. That's not the right image. Where the hell did...

How appropriate is it that this is my 69th animated
gif for this blog? I'm not sure.

There it is. That's the one I was looking for.

So dude's name is Sousuke and he just transferred in or something? And they haven't seen each other in five years? Say remember that time when he was in the sixth grade to transfer to Haru's school to swim with them? What's the deal with all this nostalgia-talk anyways? Oh what's that, Sousuke has his post-primary-education life figured out? Shock and amaze! What is the deal?

Does he have to say everything with such sexual tension?

Rin's reaction to this is, well, genuinely priceless.

That's the same face I made, but for entirely different reasons.

Then some dude borrows Makoto's eraser, and we see they are taking a "career path questionnaire". Just call it a goddamn Career Assessment geez.

So now Mako has enough Emo to fill an entire Linkin Park album, Haru is staring off into space thinking about f***ing dolphins or some shit, and all Mako wants is someone to look at him. TIME FOR THE GIANT FLYING BIRD INTRO. WITH SOME OTHER SHIT. HOPE YOUR BODY IS PREPARED FOR ALL THESE PECS FLYING AT YOUR FACE.

I'll admit though, this OP is a HELL of a lot more awesome than last season's. In fact, it's... well, almost legitimately bad freaking ASS.

So once that's over, we see that the recruitment drive for the Iwatobi Scary Birds is simply not attracting anyone. But as always, Nagi is the man with the plan.

I like how he acts as though this wasn't always his intention.

I'm about to coin the phrase Nagilogic. Because that is the only way to describe what is going on.

I don't. How does. Who would. STOP HURTING MY BRAIN!

Eventually, Gou decides to stop fantasizing about these two supple young men stripping down in front of her and realizes that half of their team is missing. What's up with that?

Haru is being asked about why his career assessment contains nothing but the word "Free!" And teacher lady is all "dude seriously you could be an awesome athlete or something maybe you should consider a thing that gives you money?" But of course he just stares there ignoring her attempt to use 'wise sayings' to inspire him.

So let's cut back to that other school where that new dude shows up to join the team. He is introduced as being the hot shit from Tokyo and now he and Rin are totes bestest of bros now.

Oh yeah and this guy found a new piece of man-ass to follow.

Sousuke pulls the "I don't like you naaaah psyche I don't give a shit." Then Nitori is all "you must be friends with Dolphin boy" and he's like "yeah I know him, we raced once, it was awesome" and Rin is all "wait what".

Oh for god's sake.

I think I could watch this show purely for Rin's reactions.

Anyone who can make Rin this uncomfortable is okay
in my book. Even if they're even gayer than Nagi.

More gay double entendres get dropped, and they spend time critiquing wonderboy's amazing Butterfly technique. It's less swimming and more just launching himself above the water to reduce surface tension blah blah sports talk.

But let's get back to that other team at that indoor pool which was totally provided purely for the benefit of four young men.

You're right, you rebuilt it purely to give them a place to
swim for the first quarter of this season. Duh!

Anyways Nagi dreams of being famous, Haru just swims and Rei is usless, until he spots the recruitment poster for the reopening.

SPRASHU FES!

At least Rei is kind enough to point out that he TOTALLY ENGLISHED WRONG. I'll admit though, one of the 'events' he has planned is the "Armored Sidestroke" which is a thing that dates back to Samurai days - a swimming technique warriors would use that didn't require them to remove their armor. That is kind of cool.

But he can't come up with a main event, so what should he do? Hey maybe he could get that teacher to help out by wearing a swimsuit an-

On second thought nevermind.

I appreciate a good "so angry flaming aura suddenly whips out around you" animation. And this? This is top f***ing notch. I hate these characters, but I can't help but appreciate all the love and attention to detail that's gone into this. It is simply superb.

I can't argue with animation like that.

Cue the team putting up posters with a short montage, then show them talking about stupid stuff. What kind of contest should they suggest? Haru decides maybe they should do a relay or something? That'd be awesome right? Man Haru you are so cool, you should all tell Rin how awesome of an idea this is. Why, you can even get their whole team to jump in because shit man we've gotta get our competitive swim on pretty fast in this show or else. But man, who is gonna team up with Rin?

Oh right, that other guy they just introduced. What a novel concept!

There's a catch though: He wants to do the Freestyle part. Well, okay then. Nitori is in because he has no life, and they've got to intro some other dude who has never been mentioned before and will probably only get screentime because they needed a fourth at the last minute.

Seriously can we just get ONE guy who is ACTUALLY
STRAIGHT in this f***ing show already?!

So looks like they've got the four, so oh sorry Nitori is still talking about how he wants to be as good as Rin? Oh okay. Time for some english lyrics to lead us into the Haru/Mako morning jog montage. Also what's he going to do with his life? Meh, who cares we have a swim thing to do. So where's the fourth member of Rin's team anyways?

Oh good god. He didn't even make it to the meet that is
how truly inconsequential he was.

Supposedly the guy has to do a sudden "make-up exam" for his "unbelievable scores" on a test the previous day.

... seriously how many euphemisms can they cram into A SINGLE SHOW?!

Oh no, they don't have a fourth whatever will they do. Let's go watch Mako gather his little brother and sister and joke around with Haru. But then suddenly Sousuke grabs control of the scene from halfway across town and is all "I'll swim two parts of the race" when they hear some dude get called out by another dude. And they go "wait a second. I KNOW THAT BRO."

I guess they've suddenly found their fourth.

Remember the captain that just retired? Meet his little brother. You can clearly see where this is going. His specialty is even the one stroke they're looking for someone to do! What a coincidence, gee lucky that happened or this show would never get to the swimming part.

This dude is so awesome he even has a nickname: The Sea of Japan's Sea Otter.

.....

This. Just. Happened.

Fortunately, he is totally adamant about not joining the swim team. Which means he is totally going to join the swim team. He's gotta go mack on chicks and chicks don't like guys on the swim team so he's never gonna join.

STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER DANGER.

Rin has other ideas though. He totally wants chicks to like him right? Riiight?

So they drag him off to a place with "lots of cute girls". It just so happens said girls, while cute and also being girls, are also cute girls because they are like twelve. And totally not what he wanted and man he hates this. Until he sees Gou running towards them (because of her brother) and he goes "HOLY SHIT BOOBS I AM INTO THIS NOW."

You can tell he is related to his brother because they are both totally digging the same girl. Oh god I think I just vomited a little in my mouth oh god ew ew ew.

DRAMATIC ENTRANCE OF SOUSUKE EYEING UP HARU. Oh and Gou knows him too and man it's been forever. She's mad he never bothered to keep in touch. Meanwhile, Nagi fills Rei in on the Cool Kids Club Membership Enrollments.

Oh you mean that wasn't just some generic kid in those photos?

Welp, both teams have met, and one very awkward speed-hitting-on-session occurs before we get to the real part of this show: THE SWIMMING.

There is no way this doesn't somehow sound weird.

Hell he even tries to tell her the first place he showers.

OH GOD THERE IS NOTHING ON THIS EARTH THAT CAN EVER MAKE ME FEEL CLEAN AGAIN.

SWIM MONTAGE. PEOPLE WHO AREN'T THE MAIN CHARACTERS DOING THINGS. At least they show us the Armored Sidestroke, which is pretty neat. Though it would be more interesting if they'd show us more of the swimming and less of the characters talking about the swimming. Jesus I thought you guys used every f***ing excuse you could to show us that shit? Now you're cutting it?! But now there's a muscle contest, and Gou is a judge. But ignore that, let's go to Haru visiting a vending machine and Sosuke talking to him about last year's regionals. And how dumb they were, but man he finds it funny.

Oh yeah he also is totally mad at Haru for dragging Rin into that shit.

Oh look we have a new Rin. Fabulous.

After staring longingly into one another's eyes for an uncomfortable five seconds, it's finally time for the actual race thing! And they actually refer to them as "Team Dolphin and Team Shark".

... just... just... just... oh forget it.

Let's watch Nagi talk about the other team and then get to the swim thing. Looks like little Captain is pretty good but he's no Mako. Now it's Nagi versus Nitori and they're looking pretty good against their other team for once. But now it's Rei versus Rin and who cares because OH SERIOUSLY DUDE.

STOP HITTING ON THE OTHER TEAM.

Dramatic super techno music and now we're Haru versus Sousuke. Haru gets a head start but this dude is SUPER AMAZING PRO ATHLETE or something. Oh gee I bet this isnt' totally going to be like last season where Haru just barely loses. End result? Who cares this wasn't an official tournament! This was just them being awesome and showing how awesome they were. Even if Nitori was basically useless.

I still find this distressing.

The fire is lit in the newest new member of their team who has totally decided to join the swim team and follow in his older brother's steps, and people laugh and clap and everything is great. Except Sousuke looking back at Haru all "I WILL CUT YOU."

Time to play the stupidest outro ever and I think we can just leave this here.

... but at least the ED makes SOME kind of sense now. Except for the merman thing. I don't know how that can EVER make sense.

For every step this show takes forward, it seems to be taking three back.