Dog Days Episode 03 - I Want to Go Home! But I Can't? Sir Hero in Flonyard!

Dog Days. It's a thing, and it just keeps happening. Or kept happening I guess. Why this show was given the green light for a second season is truly beyond me. I'm not sure what audience they were hoping to capture with this show. It's got the kid-friendly designs of Nanoha but the kind of crude humor you'd expect out of your typical Shonen series.

Ugh, just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt, let's just get this over with...

They begin giving us the recap that we already know about, where women just lose their clothes around our AWESOME MAIN HERO and then suddenly opening theme.

I wish I could call this show clever. I wish I could call this show witty. It has some pretty neat ideas and concepts, but fails just so goddamn hard with the execution, because they couldn't decide if they wanted to keep everything serious or just go with a fun-filled kid romp.

Nanoha had some pretty dark themes running throughout it, but they always managed to keep bringing it back home again, back to the roots of what makes a magical girl show... well, a magical girl show. It had its share of awkward moments, but they were the good kind of awkward moment, not the overly perverted shit that we're getting stuffed down our gullets this time around.

What happened to you guys? Was Nanoha truly the only GOOD series you ever managed to put out or something?

So we begin with fireworks and the announcers declaring that the war is over and Biscotti wins by defensive points or something.

I'm not even going to go into just how you can fight a succession of battles where you get your ass handed to you only to somehow 'win' suddenly because you were some kind of defensive master in the final battle. That shit does not make sense. You know what would make sense? "The enemy is no longer able to field enough soldiers to win." THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE. THIS DOES NOT.

Also, these titles are super literal. These aren't chapter titles they are the production notes on what the episode should be about!

The announcers continue to be annoying talking about talking to other people we could care less about, and I can just imagine that if the entire show is going to be like this, I may as well just fall asleep now. Oh but they're going to go ahead and try to push forward the 'plot' anyways, by showing us why the 'hero' isn't getting an interview.

Where'd all that excitement and adventure go?

Meanwhile the princess is trying not to freak out because she has royally f***ed up good. But she has no time for that because she has interviews and... meetings with their sponsors?!

Hold the f**k on. You are telling me these literal war games HAVE SPONSORS?

... oh good god what in the hell am I even watching. This... this is... this is just horrible beyond words.

Oh and she's got to go on tour so ignore all that crap you messed up and let the researchers do some research. Speaking of...

This is our lead researcher.

She's blaming herself for not stopping the princess from summoning the dude and wants her to smile again so BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS. Oh look now we're in a town and Cinque  can't get cell reception. Also he explains the whole situation to that one chick he made nekkers. He explains that this really isn't his fault since the dog just kinda did a hole in the ground thing, and said dog produces a very tiny circle with very fine print which they read. It basically says "this is a summoning circle and if you come in here you can't go home."

Obviously this is total BS and nobody really cares, but he just has no choice but to hold out until they can figure out how to get him home. So what better idea to 'take care' of the stranger than to hand him a giant sack of money and go "have fun"?

Alternatively you could just pocket it or something...

Begrudgingly, he decides to accept his 'reward' for battle participation, and now is the perfect time to talk about how wars work. See, people do it for 'fun', but they also do it for money because the more you contribute, the more you get paid.

Isn't war just grand?

Oh, but wait, it gets better. See, there's a participation fee.

Which means they need to earn back what they put into being allowed to take part in the war.

This, my friends? This is seriously screwed up. That's almost extortion. Even Cinque seems to think this is pretty screwed up. But then promptly goes around shopping just because. I mean, let's just forget about everyone IN THE WORLD being extorted for the entertainment of whoever these mysterious "sponsors" are.

By the point where they start bringing up civil wars and battles between villages and stuff, I can't help but just be absolutely horrified at what I'm hearing. Because they're trying to spin this off as a good wholesome thing. When this is anything but! I understand this is a totally different world, but this show looks like it is being marketed to kids, which is going to give them entirely the wrong idea about war! You are trying to make war sound fun and glamorous. You know who also did that?

Hitler.

YES. I WENT THERE AND WE ARE NOT GOING BACK. LET'S TAKE THIS ALL THE WAY BABY. EXPRESS TRAIN TO HELL HERE WE GO.

This just makes me want to cry.

Not even halfway through, and my stomach is churning something fierce. Because you see, my friends, they decide to go into the minute details of how this 'war' process works. See, when two parties decide they wanna pummel the crap out of one another, each side ponies up their 'participation fees', which get pooled together. Then, you go to war. The winner takes 60% of the winnings, while the loser takes the rest.

Except that you must be forgetting the part about the 'sponsors'. Unless your 'sponsors' are your troops, but if that's the case, why would you use a totally different term? Oh because sports am I right?

... I'm no math expert but it seems like most folks still lose out.

So let's review here, for everyone that failed Algebra: Every single person that takes part in the war puts in money. That's half. Even if you win, however, you're still sharing 30% of the winnings with the rest of your team. Which is already less than the 50% you helped put in.

... in short, this whole war thing is a giant racketeering scam.

So, what happens to that other half? Well I'm glad you asked. It goes to the government, providing things that help with the war. Like building hospitals. Or fortresses. Or paying the government members.

If you aren't getting mad yet, then you should be.

So Cinque decides to ask about, y'know. Real wars. The kind where people don't follow the rules, folks get hurt, and things get messy. Well you see, they used to have stuff like that a long time ago. Like when monsters were still a thing? Oh but the secret to why they can do all this crazy magic stuff where nobody actually gets hurt is all thanks to the magical bullshit resting underground somewhere in Flonyard.

By the way, this only applies in the 'protected areas'. Which just so conveniently happen to be centered around their capital! Outside of those areas, people die and stuff like normal.

... PICK A THING AND STICK WITH IT GOOD GOD.

What part of 'not of this world' is so hard for you to get?

So they should go see Rico. Who is that girl that is in charge of research because maybe in the last few hours she's come up with something.

... yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen in the third episode, please. Rico is beside herself because she just can't magically pull answers out of her ass, and Cinque is all "hey, no big deal, just figure it out in the next 16 days and everything will be just fine."

Yeah, I'm sure your parents won't wonder where you are at all during that time.

Your enthusiasm in this is distressingly optimistic.

Then he comes up with an idea about going back to where he came in and trying to 'get a signal'. Which translates to trying to push his way through the portal forcefully for... some reason.

Oh but then Rico shows up with an invention she made when she was five.

... five. Okay. Yeah. Sure. All right. Cool. Whatever. That's great. I'm just gonna...

It's like a transmitter something or other I don't know. It should give him cell signal right? So he pulls out his phone and suddenly gets full bars. Which means its time to make a call. But to who?

Back in the real world, he calls his gal pal who is reading manga. She wants to know where he's at and is busy making herself look pretty while talking on the phone because clearly he will hear how pretty she looks over the phone.

Also boring stuff about going on vacation and her dad can't make it but she's totally looking forward to it. By the way he's got an issue with his phone so he might not be able to call for awhile, and she does a thing where she puts him on speaker and gets all teary and shit for no reason, and she's all "you should call your family."

Which means he should probably hop right on top of that for now. Also when he's done Rico wants to look at that phone.

Ugh. Just ugh. Ugh!

Also... incredibly questionable shots for no reason.

Why do we need to see Rico's tail wagging under her coat?

And instead of letting him make the rest of his phone calls she chases him around and that other girl just kind of looks on in amusement.

Also, I guess he's decided to keep helping out with the war thing and some other people might be coming back soon or something? Good for them. Then some translucent frogs show up. Or something.

This show just keeps getting weirder and weirder...

They call these "Puchigami" which, yeah, that's a literal translation, Soil God. Even though it's more like a soil spirit, really, but it makes enough sense. Basically their being here means the soil is really good in this area (which goes back to some really awesome Japanese mythology stuff I won't get into here).

Then some other people start talking to the Princess about how things are seeming to work out and she can totally relax and not feel guilty for basically almost ruining someone's entire life. Oh and now she should go practice. And also bore us to death with each and every insipid little thought that enters her mind. Like petting Cinque on the head.

The more I watch this, the more it makes me want to fly into an uncontrollable rage. I don't think this was their intent when they came up with this show. But it's the effect it is having on me. But at least she starts thinking about some plotty-stuff which makes a sort of sense. Like what's up with Leo? Why's she suddenly such a bitch? She used to love her singing, what's up with that?

Speaking of which, now we're going over to Leo's tent to find out she isn't attending the concert. Gasp! How mean! Guess she's just going to sit around and get drunk. Instead of going around doing other things. By the way, what happened to her brother?

Oh hey it's time to try being DARK AND EDGY again.

This dude just wants to pick a fight with someone strong. Speaking of dudes who are strong, Cinque is being told he needs to take a shower, but not where he can take said shower. Because the people he is traveling with are just such super helpful people. Maybe he can just ask some people around?

... yeah that'd work if there were people around. They just wanted an excuse to say "the hero wanders around alone".

But he spots a thing he thinks is the bathroom, and goes charging into the bath house which is, you might have guessed, reserved for the ladies.

Facepalm incoming in three, two, one...

Protip: That's the Princess.

Open sky bath, nobody around, looks good. Until he realizes someone else is already there, and there are no guards and oh look at that a naked dog girl princess.

Awkward moments for everyone involved. Particularly me because oh god I have to watch this shit. Then he falls into the spring and tries to drown himself. Which is the only acceptable solution to this problem. Yet he winds up chasing her out without a towel, and she comes back just to talk to him some more about how she wants to talk to him... some more. Later. Then runs off to go do some Princessy stuff so he can bathe.

But as he looks up into the sky to reflect on how weird all of this is, a scream rings out and he's racing off into action, only to find that the princess has been kidnapped by... some bunny lions?

... but you're a rabbit.

Oh god no. Just. God no. Kill me now.

That's a tiger. Not a lion.

They introduce themselves as Genoise. Or something.

Complete with colored explosions. Why god, why?

THEY EVEN HAVE SOMEONE RECORDING THIS SHIT AND TELEVISING IT ALL.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS UNIVERSE?!

Oh and they tell him he's got 90 seconds to save the princess because that's when her concert starts.

... my mind is so full of f**k right now I can't even process this anymore. Boil it down to the basics, they're saying screw the rules, their leader, Sir Gaul, wants to 1v1 this scrub. Also they have like 200 guys outside of the castle so he should really consider doing this crazy thing.

So of course he accepts the challenge, because he is THE HERO.

Literally that's his actual job title. END OF EPISODE.

I am legitimately traumatized by what I have just watched. Ten years ago, I wouldn't have thought much, aside from it just being kind of a 'meh' show. But now that I'm older, and presumably wiser, I can safely say that holy crap there is a lot wrong with this show.

Who made the decision to produce this?!?! How did Japan think this was okay?!

I'm going to find a corner to gently rock in because I suddenly feel not okay with myself.