Sailor Moon S Episode 14 - The Arrival of the Tiny Pretty Soldier

Boy, have I been feeling exhausted lately. The end of summer is upon us, and I just haven't had as much energy as usual. Probably has something to do with the changing of the seasons. And all of the rain. That tends to play hell with my sleep schedules, as my body struggles to adjust to the rapidly diminishing amount of available sunlight.

Pretty sure the lack of Vitamin D is partly to blame. You know what I'm not in short supply of though? Bad anime. And that includes Sailor Moon!

So walk with me for a bit, and follow me as I continue to explore the ever-growing horror that is Sailor Moon. A show that may not necessarily deserve its widespread fame, especially not after some of the shit that aired in the first place.

... never gonna get over the stripping vacuum cleaner, nope, not gonna happen...

Today's episode preview drops some real shockers on us. It's your typical phoned-in festival episode! Then evildoers attempt to ruin the festival! And then... a new challenger approaches?!

Oh god no. PLEASE GOD NO ANYTHING BUT HER AGAIN.

QUICKLY, ROLL THE INTRO AND REMIND ME THAT THIS WAS A THING I ALWAYS KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AT SOME POINT.

As a side note, I really need to go through the new episodes and do a compare/contrast or something. Because Crystal is simply fantastic on every level, where the source material is... less so. Oh look, the intro is already over... alright at least they are starting with the titl- oh god I am going to cry.

Why God, why???

HEY LOOK. IT IS AN EVIL LAB. WHERE AN EVIL SCIENTIST IS DOING EVIL THINGS. LIKE ORDERING EVIL PIZZA.

"Yes I'd like to place an order for an evil pizza, hold the sauce."

At least they gave him one whole new animation of him looking up to the ceiling while holding a phone, and we get to see that he is... just calling another place in his Evil Sewer Lair.

... seriously dude why don't you just walk over there or something? How freaking huge is your base anyways?

I wonder how many Witches there are.

Also, it would appear that two of their employees are Jesse and James.

"Prepare for trouble and make it-" "Shut up I'm watching these
Evil Rats I don't have time to make it double!"

Why they even have an evil seismograph.

For an evil lair, they sure seem to have everything in
surplus except goddamn LIGHT BULBS.

So remember that chick from the end of last episode? Her name is Eugeal, and she is very sorry but the doctor is out right n- oh you are the doctor? Well hi doctor how are you?

Totally not goofing off with Evil Minesweeper or Facebook.
... what you can't really make Facebook any more evil.

The doctor has been reading through these reports that she's been working on and blah blah, she's located a suitable target and oh hey look, there just so happen to be five people here and oh for f**k's sake are you seriously going with this?

Is she a Taiko Drum Master or something?

Admittedly, they are throwing a lot of really awesome new material at us that I am pretty sure is going to become the new stock footage for the next 13-20 episodes. But this Drum Master she's found is very likely to be a Talisman holder, and... whoa hang on a second what?

So you're just skipping the 'possessing stuff' stage and just
creating shit you hope the individual might use?

... well, at least we shouldn't see any more possessed cat puzzles now.

More awesome-looking footage that totally won't become stock footage for the next several episodes. It looks amazingly badass and is, admittedly, really well animated. We even learn the enemy's name ahead of time - Soyer. And also, we discover that they truly have way too much f***ing time on their hands.

Who are these guys, Apple??

My mind is blown. How in the hell does ANYBODY get this much shit, but NEGLECTS TO PUT IN ANY ACTUAL LIGHTING?!

If only this much care and attention went into the animation
of the REST of this series....

They even have a f***ing car lift. It's not even very subtle!!!

I swear to god if this becomes a recurring gag I am
going to throw something.

This just went from your normal ridiculous to absurdly cartoonish levels of utter disbelief. Is this really Sailor Moon? How have people never noticed there are PEOPLE DRIVING CARS OUT OF THEIR SUBWAY STATIONS?! How the hell do you even install a car lift inside one of those things! Who is this guy, Bruce f***ing Wayne or something? How can you get away with that in a country that requires permits for freaking everything?!?

Oh and somewhere there are some girls we know who are all "ohey there's a festival let's go" "kaaaay!"

I can't believe it took us nearly five minutes to get to this point. The group is missing Rei right now, because she just decided to up and cancel the study group for some reason, and there's someone on a bike and gee I wonder why a shrine maiden would cancel study group on the same day a festival was going on. One might wonder if there is perhaps a connection somewhere. Maybe... juuuust maybe...

I'm sure it has nothing to do with today's plot. Surely.

Then Rei comes powersliding in on a bike and crashes because YOU CANNOT DRIFT ON A BICYCLE. Then she limps into a nearby shop to meet with some other girl they don't know. OH HEY IT LOOKS LIKE THAT DRUM GIRL WHAT A COINCIDENCE. Of course the other girls are nosy and decide to find out what's up with this. Why is Rei meeting up with a girl? Well, appearances aren't everything after all, I mean look at Haruka right?

Oh Mina. I just want to pat you on the head and give you
all of the gold stars for effort. All of them. Because you?
You are special, girl. Truly, truly special.

Over at that other table Rei is begging the girl for help with something (totally can't be the festival going on hint hint) and Rei catches sight of her pals snooping around, like usual, and is somehow surprised by this change of events.

Y'know, I think it's shit like this which keeps me watching.

... or shit like this.

Or shit like this.

Maybe it's shit like this?

I don't even-

This has actually made me laugh out loud.

You know, this is legitimately one of the funniest episodes I have seen to date. It's just so outlandishly ridiculous, yet for some reason it works this time around. This is actually some good slapstick humor, and I can't help but enjoy myself to some extent.

But if you must know, it ends with Creepy Rei getting coffee dumped on her head by accident.

You just know Usagi is like "man I wish Tumblr was a thing
this shit would be front page GOLD."

Oh and that other girl is all "yeah sure I'll help you out" and Rei makes the waitress cry.

I absolutely adore the artwork for this episode. Top notch.

So Taiko Master goes walking off and we get to see some really awesomely fluid animation where Usagi drips soda on a straw sleeve, and Rei explains to her friends what all of this is about.

... did they just suddenly change art directors or something because holy f**k if the rest of the show was this good I probably never would have started this blog in the first place what in the hell is going on here???

So Rei explains that she somehow got 'roped into' doing some stuff for the festival and Usagi says she totally just volunteered and that makes Rei mad and now that awesome straw sleeve thing is being repeated even faster because Mina is a copycat and what is even happening to me right now.

Anyway she explains that the girl is some big-shot drum player and Usagi is just some kind of idiot.

I'm not sure anyone can follow the beat that you march to.

But Rei decides to get that devilish look in her eye, and says there's a drum Usagi can beat on after all. The one to draw people to a goldfish scooping booth. Ami and Mina seem to be having fun showing little kids how to win at the game, and Mina tries not to have a mental breakdown.

This is how serial killers are made.

She totally doesn't rig the game so that their paddles break the instant a fish touches them. Totally doesn't.

Then those other two girls show up in Yukata and WHOA WHY WAS IT NECESSARY TO SHOW US THE SAME THING FOUR TIMES. FOUR TIMES. That's a bit hard on the eyes you know suddenly panning from legs up to their faces FOUR TIMES in rapid succession. When one would have sufficed.

Honestly one was more than enough.

Usagi somehow manages to convince these two totally serious girls to do goldfish scooping and OH GOD WHY ARE THEY JUST SO AMAZING AT EVERYTHING THEY DO STOP IT STOP THE MUSIC OH GOD.

Then they walk off and Usagi... pretty much says the thing I just said. STOP READING MY LINES DAMN IT.

It's almost like they have some kind of supernatural ability.

So Usagi decides to try some fish scooping herself and OH GOD NO WATCH OUT.

WATCH OUT DANGER DANGER WARNING RUN!

She could swear she saw a thing, but when she turned around the only thing there was a commercial break.

Elsewhere, Usagi winds up by herself wandering around, and catches Rei looking around for some reason. She decides to ask how long they're going to be doing this thing, but they stop to spy on the drummer because... I guess she is practicing or something? I guess she is worried about her friend because she's locked herself up in there for three hours doing nothing but hitting the drum over and over again nonstop. She's gotta get the performance just right you see.

... I get that the whole Taiko thing is a big deal, but is it really this big a deal?

I guess the whole point here is that Rei feels bad that the girl is taking the whole thing so seriously when she's not even getting paid for this. But hey if she's having fun and doesn't mind volunteering the time then what's the big deal? Also, why would having a single drummer be the thing which makes or breaks your festival exactly? I'm not sure I understand you sometimes, Japan. I'm not sure I understand you at all.

Rei and Usagi decide that they too are going to do everything to make this thing as awesome as possible, which means its time for the Star Car to show up, and not to be subtle about anything at all. They straight up decide the best method to get this drum into the hands of the person they seek is to literally call out for them on a loudspeaker.

For all of Kaorinite's failings, at least she TRIED to be subtle.

Of course she comes out to see what all of the noise is about and the car whips over and.... wait what the F**K.

What is real?

Usagi and Rei immediately get into the transforming mood as they witness this brazen attack in public, and I have to say I have absolutely flabbergasted. This isn't subtle by any stretch of the imagination. They are just straight up rolling over to people and shooting them in the chest with a giant gun now.

Oh and her heart crystal seems pretty awesome, but before it can be collected Sailor Moon and Mars make their presence known, and now our new girl is going to have to deal with them. Crap, they even get an extended introduction time. But when they are don- OH FOR PITY'S SAKE ALREADY STOP WITH THE STRIPPING!

Why?! Why?!?! You were doing so well damn it!!!

Eugeal even introduces herself as one of the "Witches 5", and then the box in teh back explodes open and our monster just... just... just....

Kill me now.

You know. If you can have your Daimons possess whatever you want to, maybe you don't need to stick to a theme anymore? I mean, before it kind of made sense because you were using them to retrieve the crystals but this is just pointless now!

Even the Sailor Scouts have no idea how to handle this. I can't say that I blame them.

Yeah, that seems about right.

Then her fuse gets lit and rockets rain down from the sky as she dances around laughing like a maniac. Oh but those other two Scouts are there to protect the crystal because I guess that's kind of what they do now. Besides, it's not even a talisman so what does she care what happens? She should just get in teh car and leave the monster to die. Which is what she do-

nevermind, the scouts are just dancing with the monster now. Now they're on their own and Soyer declares she will beat on them like a pair of drums. Judiciously.

From goofy to creepy in no time at all.

However will they get out of this one? ENTER THE NEW CHALLENGER. Who is this mysterious newcomer?

Oh god no.

NO.

NOPE.JPG

Oh god. She's back. She's finally. Finally. Back.

WHY IS SHE BACK. WHY TO GIVE SOMEONE A PINK SUGAR ATTACK.

... which has zero effect for some reason.

Even Soyer can't believe the shit she has to put up with.

But when Chibiusa tries her attack again, it is... simply pathetic. Just.... just pathetic.

What happened to this show?

This is just pathetic.

I just. I cannot... what am I being forced to watch all of a sudden?

All of the joy of this show suddenly sucked out.

Eventually Mars frees Sailor Moon so she can give the monster an actual heart attack, and... I'm just glad this episode is almost over because it's all downhill from here. I can't imagine this series picking up again. Ever. Not with the appearance of Chibiusa finally.

Monster vanquished, drums get beat upon, and people watch in awe while Chibiusa immediately goes into annoyance mode and meets with Haruka shows up to make a strange observation.

It's just her daughter from the future pay her no mind.

Usagi introduces her as her 'cousin' and then the drum beating commences and everyone is super excited. What's she doing back here anyways? Oh well, her 'mom' said to go 'get some training in the 20th Century'.

... proving that Usagi eventually grows up to be THE WORST MOTHER EVER.

So bad that she would saddle her PAST SELF to have to deal with her current child.

... my brain hurts so much now. It started off so strong, I was enjoying myself, and then... then THIS shit happened.

The Daimons are pointless now. Why bother stuffing them into random objects that a person might carry if you're just going to call them out and shoot them in the chest with a giant ray gun? What is the point of any of this?

I think it's time I sat down and had a long talk with myself about my current direction in life, because I don't know how much more of this I can take...