Sailor Moon S Episode 17 - The Bond of Destiny! The Distant Days of Uranus

The end of the anime season is once again upon us. It is unfortunate that my reviewing has fallen behind so much, but I suppose some things are simply unavoidable. Kind of like watching train wrecks, you just can't look away no matter how much you may want to.

Which is a nice little segue into saying it's time to watch some more Sailor Moon. See what I did there? Clever.

Enough talk, let's watch!

Today's episode is all about the Beautiful People. Specifically Haruka and Michiru, and how they met. And how they're "more than lovers" but NOT IN A PERVERTED WAY AT ALL YOU SICKO SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Don't you know that calling attention to such a thing just
makes it that much worse?

Also, I think we are going to see our first LEGITIMATE monster for the show's entire run. It only took them 105 episodes! Not counting the giant cat because... well, that's a giant cat. It can only be so threatening.

Intro time! Sparkles and people and stuff flying through the air oh my. Seriously, I never really noticed before how much of this intro is just people flying around the screen. It's crazy. But now that's over so it's time to begin this thing proper.

It begins with Haruka reflecting on how once, a not-such-a-long-time-ago, she wanted to become the wind. This involved riding at wildly inadvisable speeds on a bike, in the hopes that it would launch her into the sky. Or something.

Hang gliders are still a thing, wouldn't that have been, I dunno,
a little safer maybe...?

OH LOOK WE INTERRUPT THIS INCREDIBLY TOUCHING SCENE WITH A TITLE SLIDE. HOPE YOU WEREN'T JUST ENJOYING YOURSELF BECAUSE BAM!

It is now obnoxiously daytime, in a scene which makes absolutely no sense when you look at its perspective. One thing at a time though.

Note the obnoxious rays of light.

Congratulations! Someone learned how to use filter effects. Now if only they could have moved with the camera that might have been nice...

A four year art degree and I have to use Paint to explain myself...

There is no way that this image makes sense. Because you are using two very different perspectives in the same image. The real world does not work this way. We can clearly see in this shot that Haruka is standing straight up. No problems. Which means that she is on level ground. The background, however, makes it seem as though she's like, three hundred feet in the air, and looking down at an angle. In fact, it almost looks as though we should be seeing the background from a helicopter! Look at how tiny those windows are!

Plus, there are no vanishing points, which is another huge no-no. See, those buildings should appear smaller as they get further away, while larger when they get closer. That's just how we see things. But as you can see by my handy little red lines, they do not change shape whatsoever. It's just bone-straight.

This is the kind of shit you learn in middle school art classes. Just think about that for a moment. MIDDLE SCHOOL. These are fundamental rules of art. And yet some art lead thought that this was okay enough to ship.

All I'm saying is, they clearly are not shooting for high quality here.

We return to Haruka monologuing about how things used to be as she takes off her helmet and gazes down upon the school she presumably attends, and talks about how very different things were. Oh and there's some wind.

Oh sorry were you just starting think this was going somewhere? NOPE. TIME FOR EVIL EXERCISING.

The evilest of exercise.

Doctor Evil gets an idea, decides to start sprinting, and... oh god.

Yeah. It sounds just as bad as you think it does.

Actual Japanese dialogue: "LASTO SPUUUURT!"

Time to call up them five witches while gasping for breath. Time to target a female track star while continuing to run like an idiot. What was that about the 'last spurt'?

Oh. And today's target of possession?

It took me five looks to realize there was a hurdle inside.

Stock footage is a go. Today's enemy name? HURDLER.

... I wish I was making this shit up I really, really wish I was. So let's look at some monkeys! And hippos and elephants that o-kay you really aren't even trying now.

And not a single person noticed anything unusual about this.

I'm not even going to ask why elephants are just casually walking around the zoo. We're just going to move along and chalk this up to it being Sailor Moon. That sounds like a great idea to me.

Oh look, we're now at that high school, where our five heroines show up because a couple of them might be attending this place next year. The other three? Yeah probably not so much. Rei and Usagi have another argument, and Ami says that she can get into any school she wants so long as she passes their entrance exam.

Y'know, no big deal for dumb blondie there.

Oh hey look there's people running track. Like ELSA GRAY. Which is totally not a Japanese name. She doesn't even look it.

Girl is clearly from some foreign country.

Time to treat you to a sparkly montage where she drinks water and decides to sit down and talk to these total strangers because she is such a nice person.

Oh yeah and she kinda casually helps herself to some Mina and Mako butt.

They're not even subtle here, she just straight up grabs herself some tush.

Does this really even need a caption?

She has a very reasonable reason for this, of course.

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything.

Of course she says they would be well-suited for track. Despite the fact that Makoto is probably the only one remotely suited for this, but they both have way too much hair for this. Seriously, especially Minako. You don't even know if they're going to come to your school and already you are trying to recruit them. But the girls all laugh it off, saying she's just rather strange, and thinking nothing of it.

So they redirect the topic to being all about Elsa who had one person she could never beat. Who was it? Why Haruka of course! Who ran like the wind. But she quit the whole track thing for some reason, and as such was never able to be beaten. Usagi thinks she's kinda cool, and then THE BAND WAGON SHOWS UP.

Who are you talking to, and why are you using a microphone?!

Oh, and Haruka is doing ninja things in her bike uniform.

Like, straight up flippy ninja bullshit. Why? I dunno but she jumps into a tree and then jumps out of it and oh hey look the heroes are leaving the school now while Usagi decides she needs to bust ass to get into this place. Otherwise how will she go to school with her friends? But then we skip the part where the evil lady strips, and just straight up shoots a girl whose back is against a tree.

She just shows up, shoots someone, and walks off again.

She misses of course because Elsa is quick on her feet, but then SAILOR SCOUTS SHOW UP. GEE WHOEVER COULD THOSE FIVE GIRLS BE, ESPECIALLY THAT ONE WITH THE REALLY PROMINENT PIGTAILS?

You literally just talked to these girls less than five minutes ago.
You cannot honestly tell me you have no idea who they are.

So they make their debut, she summons the Daimon with a track pistol (yes, a track pistol), and oh my god what in the f-

I'm done now.

I. I don't. I'm speechless. Absolutely. What. How in... who would? I don't. What??

This. This is Hurdler.

I mean, it makes sense. It really does but... what?!

I. I don't. Oh god my brain hurts. I think this is the first time Sailor Moon has broken my brain so bad that I have to begin asking myself if the store is open yet, and if I could go there now and buy a bottle of liquor. Something to knock the stupid off of me. Or just knock me out period.

Holy shit people. Holy. Shit.

This. This is a design nightmare. And proof that they straight up did not give a single f**k during the production process.

If she takes off the shoe? WE ARE DONE. PERIOD.

So Venus tries to do a chain thing but this thing is far too fast and jumps over that, and traps everyone with a track line.

Then Haruka makes a call to her gal pal, lets her know who's under attack, and she gets shot through the heart (and you're to blame, you give looove, a bad name!). This means it's the perfect time for Haruka to give us a monologue about how she and Michiru knew the girl once.

Elsa is the one who introduced her to Michiru, and then we get a flashback where she meets Neptune in a dream and learns about the dream thing. Then she races against Elsa and beats her in the race. Also she was so good at any sport, nobody could ever beat her blah blah so good she was bored. Motor sports were the only thing that really got her going, but if she hadn't have met Michiru, how would things have been?

So hey, meet this girl after the track match and look all embarrassed for some reason.

I'm sorry are you coming onto me?

Those words made Haruka realize that this was the person. Her words, not mine. They immediately knew that they were both, uh, destined for a future together. As Sailor Scouts. Y'know.

Only if you'll draw me like one of your French girls.

She passes on the art offer and walks off trying to be all cool and stuff, and lets the commercial break act as a natural transition into our next scene. Which is on a boat! A fancy boat. Where Michiru plays the violin for fancy party people, and Haruka who just showed up in a suit for some reason. She gets to overhear a couple talk about how she isn't popular at all and walks away to be alone. To uh, observe some... art?

I think it just needs a happy little tree or two...

And somehow, Michiru manages to appear below the stairs that Haruka just came down. She now has the mysterious power of the off-screen teleport.

... how she managed to stop playing the violin, get off stage, and somehow get in front of Haruka is a mystery that can only be explained with the teleport. Michiru also does the creepy "I know everything about you". Also, one of Haruka's 'fans' is a girl who still wants to "go cruising along the beach in your car".

Sudden topic change is sudden.

Michiru presses on, saying that's not just a painting, but comes straight from a vision that they both share. Not that Haruka is going to admit it of course because, uh, she doesn't want to accept it or something?

Wait, previous life? Who said anything about that?

Haruka gives her the "well whatever you can do this crap yourself" speech, and Michiru acts all hurt and is like "man I don't wanna either but DESTINY" and remarks how dumb this all sounds.

Time to go over to the race track where Haruka comes across some kid who just straight up explodes into a Lovecraftian abomination.

WHERE THE F**K HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST
HUNDRED AND FIVE EPISODES?!

She grabs a nearby giant crowbar or something, and prepares to lash out but she can hear the young man still screaming for help. This causes her to freeze, understandably so, but man, why is this so much better than the crap we've had before? I mean, HURDLER PEOPLE. HURDLER!!! WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE MONSTERS LIKE THIS?! THESE WOULD BE INFINITELY MORE USEFUL! Not to mention NOT SOMETHING WE CAN JUST LAUGH AT!

Our girl gets knocked ot the ground however, and then a giant crystal appears out of the air in front of her, turning into....

I dub it "The Rod of Uranus" *snrk*

But before she can grab hold of the rod, someone calls out for her not to, and it drops to the ground. Who is this newc- oh it's only Michiru.

Yeah because I'm sure the abomination will just kindly give up
and politely leave you the hell alone.

She whips out her NEPTUNE ROD (patent pending) and becomes Sailor Neptune. Not even a transformation sequence. Just BAM suddenly magic girl.

The nameless horror is being awfully polite about all of this.

Speaking of the monster, it lashes out at Neptune and Haruka is all "who hey you can't kill this thing!"and she's all "end of the world is kind of a thing, can't let it kill anyone else" and Haruka plays the straight-laced hero who won't accept this. But then it gets back up and Neptune saves her life because that is how she rolls. Takes a hell of a hit doing so, and banishes the creature back into being a boy.

See, I wish the other monsters had been like this because that would be way better, not to mention far more interesting than the schlock we've been victim to thus far. In fact, you might say Michiru and Haruka's story is far superior to that of the main cast! By virtue of taking off the kiddy gloves and actually dealing with REAL PROBLEMS.

Actual mature, adultlike problems to deal with? GASP!

Neptune gets all weepy about this, and Haruka can't help but realize how hurt the girl got on her behalf, and she admits that the whole stalkerish obsession wasn't because Haruka was the other soldier. It's because, well, ever since she saw the girl race, she wanted to ride along the beach in her car. Y'know, just... because.

Creeper alarm!

She stalks Haruka for her own good. Because she doesn't want her to walk down this incredibly dark path that she has started on, and in that moment Haruka embraced her destiny. Oh by the way, Michiru showed up in the present and they both do an ACTUAL transformation sequence to see if their old pal Elsa has a Talisman or not.

They kick it off with an immediate World Shaking before anyone even realizes they are there, and Neptune frees the other girls. The Witch leaps away, and then Uranus paves the way for Neptune to finish saving the day.

There are so many captions you could use for this...

One Deep Submerge later, and Uranus leaps away at the last second to avoid the attack, and let Sailor Moon secure the kill. The Hurdle, now free of it's possession, can now safely return to its life of being a relatively useless inanimate object. A crystal is returned, and those two walk off while Haruka tells us that she chose this path and decided to walk down it. While driving her new bestie along the beach in her car.

Mee-yow.

I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, this is probably the WORST monster I have seen in forever. Just. Hands down. And yet, it also gives us the BEST one as well.

If there had been more clearly-defined EVIL DEMON ABOMINATIONS rampaging about, y'know things TRULY worthy of being called "Daimons", this show would have been a hell of a lot better. Instead, we get... giant shoes.

I'm going to go off and try not to consider the benefits of alcohol addiction now. Have a nice day.