Free! Eternal Summer Episode 04 - The Somersault Turn of Promise!

I've heard some of you like some mantacular swimbros. And that somehow, despite my greatest wishes to the contrary, Free! is a show which just won't stop happening.

Maybe we'll get lucky and it will kill itself off for good this time.

... probably not, knowing fangirls.

So, I can already tell that this is going to be a great episode. By which I mean I'm sure that by the end I will be attempting to gouge my eyeballs out with a wooden nickle or something.

Know how I can tell? Because we're starting off today with a flashback.

Oh I'll just have what you're having nudge nudge wink wink
totally not gay for you bro not at all nope.

Rin and Blueberry there are quickly start fighting over popsicles of all things, and... oh god. Just... ugh.

He's somehow a bigger crybaby than goddamn Nagi. Or Rei.

Also, I'm sure that he's supposed to be drinking.... I don't know. Something. But really, this looks absolutely disturbing. And really, really reinforces the "totally not gay" vibe by about thirty percent.

But hey, this bro? He has a plan. See, he challenges Rin to a butterfly race. With stakes, of course, because what race is complete without them?

ABORT ABORT ABORT.

For some stupid reason, Rin promises to this crazy idea and they run off into the opening sequence (which is still pretty awesome even if the show does some INCREDIBLY STUPID SHIT).

Speaking of stupid shit: Today's title. What in the hell. You are just stringing bullshit together again to make a title that is loosely related to a swimming thing. Are you already grasping for straws this badly at the fourth episode?

Anyway that new brat is pretty okay or something according to the other people whose sole purpose in life is to tell the audience how awesome this other person is. How depressing would that be to realize, that your only reason for existing is to basically say "hey that guy is awesome?" before fading out into the background for eternity?

I don't think I am ever going to remember this dude's name.
Just seeing him makes me feel sad.

Of course this new upstart has a problem: he just doesn't take any shit seriously. So he's awesome when he isn't even trying but OH HEY HE SAID HE IS TOTALLY TAKING THIS SHIT SERIOUS NOW LOOK. HE IS BEATING ALL OUR RECORDS. And then slamming his head on the sides but STILL LOOK AT HOW AWESOME HE IS BREAKING OUR RECORDS AND SHIT.

... you will never not be totally depressing and/or creepy.

So the two top dogs are all "man this dude sucks" and Rin is like "yeah but he works hard and that means more than talent" which means CHEER UP BECAUSE IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING YOU CAN HAVE IT despite the fact that you've been trying for over a year now and still totally suck so maybe you should just give this a rest already....

Oh hey look it's that other team. On what looks like a boat but is probably actually their 'club house'. Which still looks like a damn boat.

If it doesn't involve the words 'swim' or 'gay make-out session'
then you can count all of us out sister.

Turns out Gou is... enacting a 'surprise lunch box inspection' on the group...? And of course Haruka claims his is 'perfectly balanced', which is unlike his mental state. Also, he just eats plain rice and a hunk of salmon.

... yep, joke time is a go it seems.

The "Iwatobi Cream Bread" should be classified as
NIGHTMARE FUEL.

The verdict: ALL OF YOU SUCK BOTH AS INDIVIDUALS AND AS MEMBERS OF YOUR TEAM. At this rate you are never gonna be MLG pro and you should suck it up or shuffle out.

... truly, her mind terrifies me.

Nagi manages to get the upper hand however, by convincing the team to force her to achieve her own impossibly-high standards by showing them 'the perfect lunch'.

There's no way this could ever go wrong.

I can't be the only one thinking this is slightly creepy, right...?

Oh hey remember that episode last season where all the boys went shopping for trunks? Well now it's THE OTHER TEAM'S TURN FOR THAT.

*hurk*

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your point of view) this monotony is immediately broken as carrot top spot Gou and literally runs screaming across the store to go "HEY REMEMBER ME?!"

Holy f**k everyone in this show is downright insane.

*snrk* *snigger* PFFFFTAHAHAHAHAHA.

But then big bruddah Rin shows up to put him in a choke-hold and catch up on, y'know, how things have been since he basically stopped coming home while at the same time trying to ignore that creepy little shit who wants to wear swim trunks with mother f***ing flames on them.

Seriously. Holy shit.

The Village People called. They asked you to stop making
them look so damned bad.

Leave it to Rin to grab him in a chokehold, hand him the skimpiest damn thing possible and go "wear this you freaking perv and stop harassing my sister god".

While this is going on, Gou makes her exit, and then Rin and that other dude have some soda. Or would if he didn't steal the last one so they get into a rock paper scissors match and bam Rin wins again. Oh but hey remember that crazy promise they made back when they were kids?

.... even Rin looks kind of like he's regretting that decision. Seriously.

FLASHBACK TIME AGAIN. LITTLE BOYS SWIMMING. RIN LOSES. OH NO, NOW RIN IS A SLAVE.

And every girl in the world immediately started feeling
tingly in their funny bits.

Rin gets weepy, then bro is like "eh, fine crybaby, I'll decide later" and then bro went to Australia rather than face certain humiliation. But now, he's back. And I think the bro knows what the bro wants.

... y'know as far as favors go, this one is pretty tame.

Even Rin is all "wait dude seriously, I mean we already did a throwdown for that and besides, five years and you just want my bed?"

If I were him I would totally take that deal, but hey I guess Rin is feeling risky, and maybe a little bit a fan of the Pink Floyd.

You can't tell me that shirt doesn't scream Dark Side
of the Moon or something because it totally does.

In the end, since Rin refuses to relinquish "half of his soda", bro is all "eh whatever I'll think of something later".

Then bro comes up with a good question: What the hell is up with the never calling thing? Something happen in Aussieland? Why you no write? Cue sad flashbacks of looking into an empty mailbox. And teary-eyed demanding to know what went on.

Truth is, he just choked and couldn't get out of his rut that he got into. Rin was gonna quit, but then Haru and those other assholes showed up in his life again and he was all THIS IS THE MOST AMAZEBALLS THING EVER and now he swims again. Because POWER OF FRIENDSHIP.

Pretty sure he just called you a bitch.

PERFECT LUNCH TIME. Food looks great. Gou is awesome and she even saw those other swim guys buying swimsuits. RICE BALL TIME. Boy that food tastes awesome. Oh wait why was she buying food in a clothing store exactly?

Why, thanks for asking Rei, now shut the hell up while she totally avoids your question. Or tells you straight up "yeah I jacked all your food full of PROTEIN POWDER."

The things which excite Nagi are disturbing at best.

Now we get to watch Rei help Haru do some stretches while they talk about the new character, and they continue trying to understand who the f**k goes to Australia for swim school.

Seriously, they are still hung up over this shit. Story goes that Rin swam one f***ing relay with that other bro, which they lost, and then gave up and moved to the land down under. And they are still hung up over this shit. Even though, while it was never really addressed in the last season, really isn't something they should worry about? I mean his parents have gotta be some kind of unstable anyways to allow this weird shit in the first place.

Really, who sends their kid to some foreign country by themselves to learn to swim better? That's just nuts. But then Nagi is all "oh yeah I asked him that once and he was all 'eh we fight a lot and stuff and I won't get better being around him so it's best if we're on different teams'."

... yeah if anyone can explain how that's supposed to work, you are probably a lot smarter than me.

Also he thought that nobody understood him better than the swim bro, so now they are on a team together. Also, carrot top is useless if he can't consistently perform awesomely.

Now we get to listen to Rei talk about the best foods for swimbros to eat, and shares his findings with everyone else. Then Haru is all "meh, I'll make something that works" and that pizza coach shows up. With pizza. Which is a thing they cannot eat because they are on a diet.

Not that anyone seems to give a shit since they all just pig out anyways. Consistency!

Then the coach looks over their training regimen, approves, and even Rei is like "wow, that is kinda hot."

Sparkle Wars: A Lost Hope

Of course the team immediately goes "man I dunno if we can do this I mean it's kind of insane" and the coach pretty much says "please, 8 kilometers of swimming a day? You got this. Look at where you were just last year! YOU GOT THIS BROS. YOU GOT THIS." So they decide, yeah, they got this, and it's time for jogging with Rin and Rin's Pal.

At night around the school of course. They catch Captain Useless swimming at night to keep practicing and dude is like "hey what's more important, your dream or the relay"? because, uh, I guess that this is a choice he actually has to make?

... yeah no I'm pretty sure you're just trying to incite drama to incite drama bro.

But blah blah if you're going to be Olympic level you can't be worrying about friends and LOOK AT MY HARD-ASS FACE YARR.

Except Rin is all "yeah screw that actually, Haru showed me THE WAY." Which means THEY ARE GOING TO SHOW HIM THE WAY.

... wait now captain jackass wants on the team? To see Rin achieve both of these things? Because... y'know, I don't even know. He just did a full 180 on me here. Now we see them doing a drama-filled flashback where he's all "when you're in the water you're alone blah blah friends are useless" and Rin is all "NO FRIENDS ARE THE MOST IMPORT".

Then bro is all "I swim for me, not for a team, teams suck" and now he has suddenly has seen the light.

No I'm pretty sure you're just an even bigger asshole.

Why, if only he were to swim in the relay with Rin, he might learn something about this 'teamwork' thing. And see what he saw, and be basked in THE AURA OF FRIENDSHIP.

He finally decides to cash in on that promise they made, and wants to use it to have Rin show him a thing he's never seen before while swimming. He wants to be on the team. To which Rin wisely replies "yeah well you gotta be the very best like no one ever was."

Cuz, y'know. Relay members are decided by their times and all that. OH WAIT I FORGOT HE IS SOME KIND OF SWIM GOD. All he's gotta do is beat Rin at one of the two styles he holds the best time for and the he will magically be on the team.

.... didn't this get resolved last episode? Oh whatever. ITS TIME FOR A SWIMDOWN. RIGHT NOW. LATE AT NIGHT. POOL IS EMPTY. CLOCK TICKS. GO TIME BROS. BUBBLES EVERYWHERE AS THEY BUTTERFLY LIKE MAD.

Also Rin is inner-monologuing while they race because he has to narrate how awesome his opponent is. Of course he loses, and he's all "dude you're awesome, and I'm awesome, so let's be awesome together."

Wait I'm confused, I thought you were already found the
resolve to... oh never mind.

Oh look it's time for them to listen how Rin is going to rig the entry requirements to allow people he wants on his relay team.

Diiiiiiiiiick!

Screw the fastest times, if you want in on the relay team, you gotta want in on the relay team.

... you can't see it right now but I am attempting to bury my face in my pillow in the hopes it will make me stop breathing because oh god what is this show even at this point.

Someone is definitely a little bit jelly.

So who wants in on the team? I dunno this seems like a good time to roll credits.

... pointless drama, POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, and character reversals so sudden you'll get whiplash.

Welcome back, Free!. Welcome back.