Dog Days Episode 04 - Charge! The War to Recover the Princess!!

One of these days, I'm going to manage to sit down and actually make some of my side projects emerge. Like things where I talk via the magic of the Internets about things that matter. Like Anime. Or why some Anime is good, and why some are bad. And why some should never, ever have seen the light of day. And also maybe talk about the whole 'fansubbing' thing, and why I feel they are important - and also why I feel some groups just plain old get it horribly, horribly wrong.

But those are topics for some other day. You're not here for the smarty talk. You're here for the laughy bits where I question my sanity and ask God why in the name of f**k I ever started doing this in the first place.

... maybe some day I will actually have a legitimate answer for that one which makes sense. But for now, all I've got is pain.

Okay, I'm ready, hit me...

So Cinque is some super amazing awesome gymnast who got sent to another world to SAVE IT. With gymnastics.

In case you haven't been keeping up with this show, in the last episode the princess had just been captured so it is up to our hero to go and SAVE THE DAY. So that she can be back in time for her concert.

... why is it that no matter how I describe what happens, it somehow sounds FIVE BILLION TIMES better than what's actually happening? This plot is pure brilliance on paper. But in its execution, it fails so f***ing miserably.

Anyways the intro is over so let's just start going over what's happening. Remember that whole war thing that 'ended' earlier? Yeah well they've decided screw the rules let's televise a royal abduction so that some dude can slug it out with some other dude.

... I just cried writing that. Really. Tears actually fell. That's how much this show hurts.

They remind us that the princess was kidnapped, by some reporter dude with an idiotic name on a cart being pulled by chocobo rejects.

*sobs*

Please stop hurting me so much. Please.

Cinque goes and runs, finds Eclaire who promptly decides to kick the living shit out of him because reasons. She's mad at him for accepting their challenge because... uh. Reasons?

I get the feeling the rest of the f***ing show is going to be
just like this isn't it. Oh god it is.

So let me get this straight. The enemy is taking advantage of the fact that the 'hero' has no idea about what's going on, and everyone is just totally willing to accept that this dude who doesn't know the rules is actually allowed to do things despite not knowing what is going on, which nobody should really be all that surprised about, and then people are going to in turn get mad at him for having been here LESS THAN A F***ING DAY.

And not a single f***ing person in the entire WORLD thinks this might be PRETTY GODDAMN STUPID?!

I'm going to need a swear barrel by the end of this because a jar just isn't going to cut it for the amount of rage being generated right now.

So blah blah don't worry they're going to get the princess back and don't worry and oh hey there's a dog with a scroll in it's scarf named Homura and we're supposed to feel like this is meaningful but since we've never heard the name they just pretend it's SUPER IMPORTANT and cut away to another scene. Where Eclair tells moron that if he accepts a declaration of war then that begins another war.

Yeah because surely he has that kind of authority.

WHAT MORON WROTE THESE STUPID RULES TO BEGIN WITH?!?!

Oh and now we magically have an hour and a half before the concert so they've got to ride those birds fast.

... I like to think this one speaks for itself.

Cinque apologizes for having no idea what's going on and how everything is different in his world so he's just gonna straight up save the day and be the hero and make everything right. So off he goes with the food-named girls and some chick watches on because she can. Travelers from some other land decide they're gonna watch, because WAR IS FUN!

Oh and now Prince Gaul is here. Wait, who the hell is that again? Oh who cares they're just going to keep pressing on like we're supposed to have any idea what's going on.

I guess it boils down to everyone evil being evil and in general acting like assholes. The Princei s that princess' little brother or something and I guess he's the mastermind or something behind all of this and HE HAS A PLAN. Also his 'sister' is 'being given the first class treatment'.

And the Princess is just sitting around all cozy, while she gets to meet with some, uh, cats. Lions really. I think. Or maybe some kind of weird panther I don't even know what is going on anymore.

I just. I don't. Why do. How does. Who would. How can?

So the evil guys are evil but NOT REALLY EVIL but they're still super bad even though THEY ARE TOTALLY NICE and WHAT IN THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW?!?! PICK A THING AND STICK WITH IT FOR CRISSAKES.

Sure, she'll sit and talk with Prince Gaul, who had her kidnapped before her big concert, why not? IT IS NO BIG DEAL.

... oh so Bano? That's a dude. Also? His 'mistress' is Princess Leo. Y'know, that big bitch who got all naked last episode. Y'know. That one.

Okay. I get it. War is good. Beastiality? That's a thing. Interspecies breeding? Totally happens.

... I don't want to live on this world anymore... oh god why would anybody think this was a good idea? WHY?!

Also everyone aboard the EXPOSITION TRAIN because since only ONE OF THESE PEOPLE CAN TALK, we get to listen to the princess tell us about how she and that other chick used to be the BEST OF PALS and visited all the time and rode trains to see one another and had tea and played and didn't just casually invade the other's kingdom for the lulz.

Euphemisms. They are everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

So some dudes are standing guard outside and then those three dudes show up to kick some ass, and since the rocking music has started with the great guitars, you know things are going to get down, but not before some MORE expositionary material from Eclair about some dude that was way more awesome than Cinque will ever be.

Wait when did this suddenly become BERSERK?

Oh and this dude that was so awesome? Actually a chick. Sorry, they should have mentioned that earlier but felt it was worth holding back just because. So what was the point of telling a story about some chick who took on an entire army single-handedly and won, just because? Oh, no reason, just to hammer in that compared to that they're not really facing such bad odds. I think? I'm not sure I kind of got lost in the point she was trying to make.

So it's time for the headlong assault, and the guards are all "oh shit are they nuts or something?' so they ready bowmen and SUDDENLY MAGICAL BOMBARDMENT wipes them all out.

Also, the captain is all "THEY ARE USING ARTILLERY?" and from like, three miles away Ricola is all "Pfft, duh, I'm the goddamn SCIENCE CHICK!"

This show operates on the MC Escher principle of logic.

Somehow she was able to get like, a billion of these tiny cannons set up and rips stuff apart and WHERE WAS THIS CRAP THE LAST TIME THEY NEEDED A HERO TO GUARD THEIR CAPITAL?!?!

Oh and those other two girls are watching just because they think it's fun. Maybe they should help? Bah, who cares about that? I mean, kids will be kids and all that, so let's just kick back and relax and totally ignore that this is probably the the LEGENDARY HERO we just heard about. Also, that dog gets sent back to its master and those other dudes get through the front gate of the enemy.

Commercial break time so that we can totally miss the part where they go from having a thousand bows pointed at them to suddenly being surrounded by dudes and ineffectually swatting at one another.

... seriously? You build up for an awesome fight and just don't even bother showing it? What a tease.

It's like nobody is really even trying now.

Cats play and sleep near the princess as she watches this absolutely pathetic display on all sides, and they play music that's supposed to be all introspective and then PRINCE arrives, and everyone is happy.

He apologizes for the whoel suddenly kidnapping her but he really wanted to fight that bro. He promises they'll discuss compensation some other time, but y'know. He's kind of got things to do or something. So he's off to go and do them, making their entire meeting pretty damn pointless don't you think?

Cinque and leek head find themselves backed up to a wall and turns out that their support fire is gone now since she was captured by some infantry dudes that somehow didn't get blown all to hell. So what do now? Oh, guess they'll wait for the prince to show up. By which they really mean, "escort the hero to the princes so they can fight". They ask Eclair to walk away and she's all "NOPE NOT GONNA" so I guess this makes the general mad so now he will fight her.

Which makes the next bit even weirder as both hero and lady flatchest both declare the other should go on and they will stay behind.

... *sighs*

Cue the argument in front of the enemy army, who just kind of stands there watching, because.

Eventually the general gets fed up with this shit and straight up attacks out of spite, knocking both of them against the wall. Oh and now he gets to talk about how superior he is and how he wants them to show him what they've got, so now someone throws a thing of spinning magical knifeness that turns into a giant sword that is TOTALLY THE ONE FROM THAT BAD ASS HERO.

Way too large to fly through the air like that? Yeah we know.

So she makes her big intro and is all "sup Eclair how you been girl?" And we learn her name is.. d'Arquien? O-kay. Her first name is Brioche. And she's here to lend some aid because they wrote a formal request and now it's time for her to almost rip the castle in half. By accident. I mean she can't control her crazy awesome power.

Again, why is Cinque even necessary?

After finishing her introduction goddamn FIREWORKS pop up and the entire army outside suddenly vanishes because that other chick all ninja'd some shit, and does some other flippy ninja shit to the one dude who survived. At least this is stylish as hell.

Oh and Ricola is free now too because. Time for them to run off and do some other stuff! More flippy ninja stuff as they sail over the castle and drop bombs all across the courtyard, combining their powers to pretty much lay waste to everything.

I am beginning to think that Cinque is a bit touched in the head.

So Hero and Eclair hop back on their birds and ride off to free the princess while LEGENDARY WARRIOR LADY pretty much wipes out the rest of their remaining forces just because. Oh, and has a fight with that other dude I guess.

Meanwhile, another princess is mad because her brother is an idiot.

... you do realize the last war you fought was... oh never mind.

But y'know. There's just other, more precious things happening in this show than people vocalizing how insane their world is, without realizing that's what they are questioning.

That door just exploded for no good reason.

It would seem that Cinque now has the magic power of having doors dramatically explode in his presence when he needs to get through them. Either that, or that door's entire purpose in life was to just blow up the instant some dude riding a bird got too close. Your guess is as good as mine how that works.

Oh hey look it's the Prince! No time to talk though, it's time they went right for the fighty bits. Cinque is all "yeah sorry I don't have time for you intro I'll listen to it later but I kinda need to get the princess now so no hard feelings kay?"

Meanwhile, Eclair takes on those other three chicks who did the kidnapping in the first place. She doesn't seem happy about this but this is a great time to INTRODUCE PEOPLE WITH THEIR FULL NAMES BECAUSE THEY ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU SHOULD REMEMBER THEM.

Cinque and Prince are neck and neck or something. I mean they're just jousting really, and the princess is watching, and Cinque promises to save her... next episode.

Y'know, this is normally the point where I would have put down the series and just forgotten all about it. Honest. Actually, I wouldn't have gone beyond the first episode. So we're already in all kinds of territory that I am just not very comfortable with any more. Because y'know what? F**k this show. It has no logic. It has no consistency. At times it even makes me wonder if it is even really an anime.

I hate this show. And anybody who tries to defend it as being remotely close to being considered a "good show" is clearly an idiot who needs to stop huffing the paint and come watch this show after they've finished crossing puberty.

... oh god I am so full of hate.