Kenzen Robo Daimidaler Episode 03 - Menace! Fiery Jake Appears!

Once again, it's time for a show which I am convinced was a contributing factor in my acquiring a semi-deadly illness. For real.

I really haven't learned my lesson yet. Clearly.

So to recap everything we know about this show so far:

Grabbing boobs gives you magic powers and lets you pilot giant robots. Also, the evil Penguin Army has giant "front tails", which they thrust vigorously at people they like.

Hang on I have to go vomit already and I haven't even started the f***ing show yet.

Hello again Lelouche of the Penguins.

So if you have somehow managed to forget what happened in the previous episodes, their plans have been foiled by a giant robot they beat in the first thirty seconds of the show. People want to rise to the challenge of taking on this fearsome foe but who is up to the challenge? Certainly not any of the henchmen that show up to claim they will eliminate this powerful adversary. Sorry guys, even though you have names, clearly you are identical and therefore poorly suited for this task.

No, it's time to bring in.... someone with a silhouette.

Also someone who is a blonde with braided pigtails.

Quick, someone play the intro so I can hit the snooze button on this show a little longer.

Afterwards, they are very quick to get to the point of the show.

You are saying words but nobody is listening because your
boobs are pressed right into the camera.

So turns out those science chicks are doing Yoga or something and trying to explain its origins or some shit but nobody cares because the artists are too busy shoving cameras up into the exposed taints of the women and exploiting their forms so the main character can basically splooge his pants.

Doesn't he have something more important he should be doing? Some training, perhaps?

Oh right. I forgot. Managing to not masturbate in public
is the highest form of training available for someone your age.

His training is actually, and he fully admits to this, "peeping on you and the three chicks in charge". Which is declared a crime but excused because he's special.

There are so. Many. Things. Wrong with this. Just. So many. So very many. I'm going to cut to the chase and wish I were watching Dog Days again. You know that got a third season, right? That's got to be better than this. It has to be.

You are everything wrong with this world. EVERYTHING.

Meanwhile back in Penguin land, people are wondering how the hell this human girl managed to get in here. Quickly! Somebody capture that girl!

Oh dear god CAN WE MOVE ALONG PLEASE.

It takes all of five seconds for them to strip her and take her measurements. But then she has to ask something. She wants to join them! Her and someone else I guess. Lelouche decides, eh, fine, whatever, might be useful! But first you must PASS SOME STUPID TEST. Nothing too much, she just needs to beat someone of his choosing no big deal.

Meet Jake. He's the one with a glowing penis.
No, really. That's actually Jake. His real name.
I'm not making this up I swear to god.

They explain the glowy though.

I'm really not sure if that makes this better or worse.

Jake falls over, and so the Penguin God decides, eh, fuggit, just have everyone attack her. But whoops she beats them all with one kick. Also she keeps saying "we" even though she is by herself. THen she beats up and murders the Penguin King.

Awesome. Show's over! We can go home now.

But since she knocked him out she's committed accidental treason and gets kicked out so she runs off and cries in a corner or something. But then some random mook shows up and is all "eh don't worry he's cool with you, he'll come around. We all think you're awesome, so here take my totally random advice."

Speaking of, the Emprah walks into a random room and finds himself blinded by schlongs.

I don't want to know but you're about to tell me anyways.

At this point, I think the rest of this blog is just going to write itself with images. I can't take this.

*sobs gently*

So moved is he by hearing that this tiny girl polished all of those phallic-shaped objects that he makes her a member of the family. By the way what the hell is your name anyways?

Oh you totally just MADE THAT SHIT UP.

They decide to give her a nickname and just call her Ritz because her name can't sound any dumber. Time for the Daimidaler to go launch and stuff. And for the hero to grab some boobs or something. Wait no you're supposed to launch you stupid thing! What's going on in this show anyways? How did we go from one scene to the other so quickly? Eh who cares people are watching this to see women objectified anyways and to make repetitive penis jokes.

LAUNCH THE MACHIIIIIINE,

Oh noooo. The terrrooooor. Run or something. Wooo scary.

It is at this point in the show that my brain stops functioning.

I'm. What? How does. Why would. What????

Ritz starts explaining over speaker what they should be doing or something while sounding as though she is about to have an orgasm.

She's gotta be like what, twelve or something? This is just all kinds of nowhere close to okay.

Okay. Now you've lost me and I don't want to be found again.

I am now dumber for having watched this.

I'm not sure how much more I can watch at this point.

Then the hero robot shows up or whatever and Ritz is unimpressed and shit, and they're surprised or something. What do? Demand her return or something I dunno, stop being cowards or whatever. But she doesn't like that and so she hops on the chair, gets in the robot, and starts doing stuff.

Guess it's time to destroy the hero oh nooo. Missiles and kicks and screaming and teleporting all over the place. Are we watching a giant robot show, or DBZ? I think the show has even forgotten at this point because shit just happens for no reason.

But then the hero gets all mad and starts groping wildly for his final attack. But then Ritz deploys her own first.

This defies everything. Just. Oh my god.

Oh no. Daimidaler's arm fell off and now they're stuck. Whatever will they do. But then the attack stops or something, and the girl comes back out and is all.... well. It's probably the best thing I've seen out of this show so far.

Seriously the best thing.

Then they have to ruin it with a joke that really makes no sense.

I think there's a bag of paint chips with my name on it somewhere.

We're only at the commercial break too. When we return somehow the heroes have gone back and gotten their robot sick and they narrate the whole retrieval thing or whatever and the hero is all "this is bullshit". Then that old dude is like "pfft just train bitch".

Christ man it's only the third episode and you're already going
to force us into a training montage???

Gee it's a good thing they came up with a special training program just for the hero IN CASE THIS EVER HAPPENED OR SOMETHING.

And then they launched a f***ing training montage.

Offscreen.

Meanwhile Ritz gets a party with freshly killed fish on ice. Isn't that just grand?

SHE HAS BEEN HERE ALL OF A DAY WHAT THE F**K
IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Also they keep saying "Morning Ritzness" like that's supposed to mean something.

I don't want it to mean anything.

I really don't.

So the king walks off and is all "man I gotta finish this thing or whatever", and now we go see some other girls bowling or something while some dude is having his off-screen training montage. Ten days pass, and he finally returns, looking just as angry as before.

Sonan goes to give him a hug or something, he flips out and is all DONT TOUCH ME MAN I'M TWIGGING OUT and then the alarm goes off after he slaps her and he's like NO TIME TO CONSIDER ABUSE CHARGES IMMA HERO GOTTA GO HERO LETS GO HERO.

F**k this show man. I'm am THIS close to quitting.

Just. Just. Just. God there's only a handful of minutes left.
Hang in there bro. You're almost through this.

Their plan. Is to put panties on everything. In order to make people turned on or something. Because that's a thing I guess that happens if you're a creepy pervert. The kind that this show was made for I suppose.

But then Daimidaler shows up again to ruin their day and it's time for revenge or something. Whatever. Time to fight or something. In ten days, Sonan has gone from "Don't touch me!" to "why aren't you touching me?"

GOD I WANT TO VOMIT SO VERY BADLY RIGHT NOW.

Turns out that in the last ten days he's learned how to actually pilot a machine and clearly has no need of a sexy sidecar anymore. But then he starts freaking out as he looks at the back of her neck and smells her shampoo and starts thinking about her naked and stuff.

... god help me I'm so close to finishing this episode I CANNOT QUIT NOW.

Then I guess he starts charging up all by himself or something as he tries to understand what the hell is wrong with him, and Ritz is all like "whoa what the crap why am I suddenly losing or something what is this".

Then she charges and does her ultra attack or whatever, but everyone is all "welp, I'm sure he'll be fine this time."

That is, quite literally, your only role in this entire show.
To have your boobs fondled by the hero.
YOUR ONLY JOB.

But he can't, y'know, let go of the controls or anything to do that so he's gonna need her to just flash him instead.

This is everything I hate about this show.

But there's a problem I mean she thought he didn't need her anymore blah blah blah.

BITCH. IT HAS LITERALLY BEEN MINUTES SINCE HE
FINISHED SAID TRAINING. MINUTES. GET OVER YOURSELF.

Someone please just end the show already. Please. He eventually tells her that he needs her which makes her happy or something so she gladly bares herself for the world because plot reasons. Then the machine explodes with energy and I guess the point of this all was basically to have him store up so many pent-up teenage hormones that he would blow his wad at the tiniest provocation.

Please tell me you didn't think I was joking.
I wasn't.

Then he does a punch thing and charges up the final move whatever robot goes boom and heroes win the  day.

But that's not the end of Ritz since she flies off and is all "NEXT TIME GADGEEEET."

Then Sonan is like "man did you mean that shit when you said you needed me?" and boy is all "bitch I like dem titties dey is great". TIME TO CHECK IN WITH THE EVIL EMPIRE OR WHATEVER.

Where the emperor is all like "oh, so that's how this stuff works I guess. I kinda already knew that or something but forget because I'm an idiot or the plot didn't demand it? Ah whatever it wasn't that important anyways."

But now they know that Ritz is also a "Factor" or some shit and that's good for them. Time for the end slate where they're all "blah blah something about boob girl, blah hero, fight giant robot yeah" and we end the episode.

WHY DO I WATCH THIS SHIT?!? WHY. WHY WOULD I EVER PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

JUST WHY.

I THINK I SUDDENLY AM IN NEED OF A NEW SHOW. BECAUSE I REALLY CAN'T TELL HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS SHIT I CAN TAKE.