The Qwaser of Stigmata Episode 15 - Anglo-Russian Entente

There's a reason I stopped watching this show.

I am fairly certain that reason was that this is just a really terrible anime. Just terrible even by terrible anime standards. This is the worst kind of prepubescent mary sue wankfest material that anime has to offer. It is, ladies and gentlemen, what I refer to as "the bottom of the barrel".

But even by those incredibly low, mind-numbingly lax standards, it somehow managed to surpass itself in its awfulness last episode by creating something so unbelievably atrocious, I have to readjust my standards and re-evaluate what constitutes as 'stupid'.

After last episode, I should not be watching this show any longer.

And yet, I am going to.

Why do I suddenly want to watch Kill la Kill again? Oh right. Because that was infinitely better than the last episode.

... here goes nothing...

Oh look, it's time for dinner. Oh look, Sasha is resting on Tomo's lap while her naked breasts rest on his head.

Oh look. We're watching Qwaser again. F**k.

They're just out there. Sitting on his head. For no reason other than people wanted to OH WHAT IN THE F**K.

NO. JUST NO. JUST. JUST HELL NO. NO!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO!!!

NO. JUST. STOP THAT. NO. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED. THIS? THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS THE VERY OPPOSITE OF OKAY. THIS IS SO NOT OKAY THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT MADE ME STOP WITH KNJ.

THIS IS NOT OKAY AND I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

ALSO HE FELL ASLEEP AFTER TOMO USED HER BREASTS TO READ HIM A BEDTIME STORY.

I AM SO OVER THIS SHOW HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE HAVE LEFT? TWENTY SOME MINUTES? F***********************K.

Then there's a flashback where Sasha's all "I WILL PROTECT YOU OR SOMETHING" and Mafuyu gets all teary and shit whatever. Then Sasha wakes up and starts feeling her up because I guess boobs are okay now or something whatever man those are nice.

SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING LIKE A GIRL. YOU ARE NOT.

Also why is she suddenly showing off her nips to him? Oh. She's going to read HIM a story with her boobs? THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER.

THANK YOU FOR PLAYING YOUR SHITTY INTRO IT HAS SAVED ME FROM POTENTIALLY SUFFERING AN ANEURYSM.

I love how this intro screams "WE ARE BEING SUPER SUBTLE AND TOTALLY INSINUATING THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN AWESOME SHOW." Even though it is neither of those things. They can't even do a parody episode properly! Which came out of f***ing nowhere and made no sense at all.

So after the intro we just jump into some other scene I guess that makes no sense even WITH context.

Why are you laying on the couch? How long has your
guest been here waiting? Are you seriously just going to
ignore him while you give your friend a back
massage for no reason? Why are you even?

Then Father Starwind decides to make some shitty haiku about amnesia.

It sounds like one at any rate.

Then he has to say "GEE IT SURE WOULD SUCK IF SOME EVIL CHURCH PEOPLE ATTACKED OR SOMETHING."

Enter.... a flashback with Sasha and that chick who died or something? And then he freaks out or something and stuff as she just bleeds all over the place. It's very traumatic or something but then he wakes up and remembers that he's a girl.

Then some dude's at a computer looking at stuff, and talks about stuff that's probably plot-related but honestly I can't even follow it because they aren't even really saying anything.

Then the breastless girl shows up and is all "yo want some tea" and he's like "f**k your tea I'm looking up PICTURES ON THE INTERNET put it on the table."

You could end the show here that'd be great.

He's all "I don't want your help Liz, get your kiddie ass to bed" and then Sasha walks into town or something and Mafuyu finds out.

... wait, was it not somehow established that this manor house they've been living in is like, out in the middle of f***ing nowhere? HOW THE HELL DOES THIS KID KEEP WALKING INTO THE CITY. SERIOUSLY. HOW DOES THIS KEEP BEING A THING THAT WON'T STOP HAPPENING?

Oh no. Sasha is now suddenly the poor orphan girl with no shoes, barely any clothes, and a tattered bunny doll. Ah christ I think I can see exactly where this is going and I do not like it.

So people stare at him like he's stupid or something, and then he goes running off and some maid restaurant girl is handing out flyers or something up until Sasha bowls her over, and then suddenly we're right back into some kind of Hentai.

Like seriously, some kind of Hentai.

Oh no, Sasha is hurt. Oh no, Sasha is super cute or something so all is forgiven. HEY COME WITH ME. I WILL GIVE YOU DESSERTS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO COME WITH ME  YES YOU DO SHUT UP NO THIS ISN'T KIDNAPPING AT ALL.

Suddenly I think this whole world needs to be reduced to a cinder.

She's not even subtle about this.

I take it all back. THIS IS KIDNAPPING.

Then someone hits her or something. Oh hey, it's Liz who is all "yo you okay?" and then the maid starts creaming herself in public. Also they feel the need to keep showing us her panties, even when the camera angles are straight up NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

Not. Physically. Possible.

BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY I AM SURE IT WILL BE SUPER GOOD. Also, there... are no streets here? Wait what the hell? I KNOW there was a street here just a moment ago. I KNOW THERE WAS BECAUSE I SAW CARS.

Where the f**k are we???

But this is DEFINITELY outside because seconds later some dude leaps off the top of the building at the bottom of that last screenshot. So once again: WHERE THE F**K IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

Then a bank is getting robbed by some dude that controls sodium. He's stealing a thing! Oh hey it's one of those things that one dude was looking at earlier. PLOT! We now return you to our regularly scheduled masturbatory episode.

I have no idea what is going on and I really don't want to.

... I'm... I think I'm done.

NO. NO. YOU DID NOT. DON'T YOU DARE. NOT MY
SABER. NO. F**K YOU LIZZIE. F***K YOU PEOPLE
WHO MADE THIS STUPID SHOW. I HATE YOU.

I think that Fate/Stay Night has forever been ruined for me.

AND THIS SHOW IS ENTIRELY TO BLAME FOR IT.

For watching this show? Yeah... you're probably right.

Welcome to a montage of them dressing up those two in different costumes just because. Also, has NOBODY NOTICED THAT SASHA IS CLEARLY NOT A GIRL? YOU WOULD THINK STRIPPING HIM DOWN AND FORCING HIM INTO NEW CLOTHES MIGHT DO THIS.

So for some reason they just keep wearing costumes for these girls. Without any explanation whatsoever.

... didn't they do an episode like this once before or something? Wait, no. That was that really terrible OVA I almost forgot about. Master of Martial Hearts? Yeah, that's the one. That's what this reminds me of.

.... oh god please tell me we aren't redoing MMH all over again PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

Seriously you can only hide a penis so much.

Then Team Mentally Disabled shows up and get told Sasha is at some cosplay cafe, presumably entertaining the entertainers. The guy they asks knows exactly where he is at, but has no idea where it is...?

..... HOW THE F**K DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!

So the girls split up to look for Sasha some more, who is currently enjoying some orange soda. But he's not really enjoying himself for some reason. Wait. Is this a cafe where people dress up as other people, or is it a cafe where the customers dress up and pretend to be other people....? I'm really, really confused now.

I have no idea what's going on now.

Sasha seems to think he's forgetting something super important. It's probably not that he's a dude though. Then he starts talking shitty Russian and Lizzie starts getting drunk off of Orange Crush.

Seriously. It's Orange Crush.

She goes from being the loud drunk to the weepy drunk in all of fifteen seconds, even though she is not drunk at all.

THERE IS A LIMIT TO HOW MUCH I WILL PUT UP WITH AND I BELIEVE I AM APPROACHING IT.

Now Tomo and Theresa are walking down a dark alley holding hands when soem dude in a black cloak steps out. OH NO. ITS THAT EVIL DUDE OR SOMETHING MAYBE.

Welp, time to watch girls get undressed and stuff at the caf- WHOA WAIT WHAT.

I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION IF THIS IS EVEN A CAFE.

Is.... is the maid.... saying they should all... have sex or something?

I AM HORRIBLY CONFUSED. Then Lizzie gets all naked after the maid says "we should do it" and I'm all sorts of just incredibly uncomfortable because THIS IS NOT SEXY IN THE LEAST. THIS IS IN FACT KIND OF HORRIFYING.

Then it comes time to make Sasha naked and yep, this girl is totally trying to have an all-girl threesome and is about to realize they are totally not all girls.

Oh and some super creeper spy droid eye thing is watching this happen.

And misses the assassination shot.

GOD DAMN IT DROID YOU HAD ONE F***ING JOB. LITERALLY ONE JOB THAT YOU WERE MADE TO ACCOMPLISH. HOW DID YOU F**K THIS UP??

Unless your job was to assassinate the fish, YOU HAVE FAILED.

Welp, forget the threesome some dude is trying to kill us.

Not only is this dude a terrible shot, I swear to god he is saying
"PEW PEW PEW".

So despite the fact that they are hiding behind a mattress, they somehow emerge totally unscathed.

Actually they aren't hiding behidn it anymore, somehow they managed to get themselves under the window, don't ask me how that happened because I have no clue.

Also Mafuyu sees shit going down, and Lizzie gets dressed and is all "oh shit Qwaser of lead or something". So it's time to do a thing I guess? TIME TO SUCK ON SOME BOOBS LIZZIE.

Sasha watches and is told to keep all this shit a secret and then she pulls out Excalibur and gets to work.

Also, I swear to you, I can hear that dude screaming "PEW PEW PEW" as he fires lead bullets at them. But Lizzie is all "bitch I got titanium lead ain't got shit on me" but Sasha is all thinking to himself "well actually..." SHUT UP SCIENCE NERD YOU INVALIDATED THOSE SCIENCE CREDENTIALS TEN EPISODES AGO.

So eventually her thing starts getting chipped and Sasha is all "hmm gee maybe some iron could help out here" and then his face gets scratched and he becomes SUPER MAD. Lizzie falls but SASHA TO ZE RESCUE. TIME TO DO SHIT. Also Lizzie somehow doesn't know who he was? Or she forgot? Oh yeah and now he's all pissed off because WHY IS HE DRESSED LIKE A GIRL?

Oh yeah and that assassin dude is still around and looking dumber than ever.

Seriously bro I think you're in the wrong show.

So Sasha does a thing and makes a shield totally immune to lead or whatever, and decides to use the thing to fire the bullets back because he can do that or something.

Now that he can properly see the sniper he snipes the sniper and dude dies or whatever. Yay awesome Sasha is back or whatever woohoo can it be over now?

Now Sasha puts on the blanket, and Lizzie is suddenly mad at him or something and decides IT IS TIME FOR ME TO FIGHT YOU OR SOMETHING and he is all I WAS GONNA SAY THE SAME THING. But then Mafuyu shows up and is all "dude why are you holding a scythe?"

Oh yeah and Lizzie is also a Qwaser or something. Sorry about that? Uh, we gotta kill each other now so just leave kay thanks.

Yes, you can't fight here. Because reasons.

Oh yeah and that sniper isn't dead yet but then someone sets his arm on fire and he becomes dead for good, which distracts them. Some dude burns them up. Oh hey it's that dude in the cloak! Who stole the thing. Oh it's that sodium dude and now Sasha is bleeding like crazy. Oh yeah and Theresa is mind-controlled and Tomo kidnapped or something. Oh yeah and the CRAZY EVIL VILLAIN REVEAL OCCURS.

Oh that guy got the tiddlywink of power and is Lizzie's
master. Cool. Okay. Great. Have fun with that.

Then Sasha glares at him while Mafuyu gasps and it's time for that ending.

... I really should have stopped watching when Lizzie was dressed as Saber.

NOW I WILL NEVER GET THAT OUT OF MY HEAD.

F**K YOU, QWASER OF STIGMATA. YOU HAVE RUINED ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS FOR ME.

F**K YOU.