Sailor Moon R Episode 38 - Wiseman's Evil Hand! Chibi-Usa Disappears

Some interesting facts have come to light regarding Sailor Moon, and I think by virtue of these mentionings, I might just have to check out the original manga, for instance.

According to my sources, Mamoru is, at least in the manga, 17 and about ready to graduate from high school. Now if you ask me, that makes a lot more sense - dude is just about to start getting into a college, so by the time the whole Chibi-usa thing begins? I can believe it. If anything, it makes their relationships... well, way more believable, at any rate.

It also seems that the original manga artist was rather displeased by her lack of involvement in the original production as well. And if you've been following along here, it's really not hard to understand why she might feel that way. This said, the upcoming Sailor Moon series is, again according to my sources, supposed to be a re-imagining of the original tale - one that is supposed to stick much closer to the manga and, one might suspect, turn out to be a way better freaking show.

So with that having been said, perhaps I shall turn a less disdainful eye towards that new show, when it finally does arrive. Which at this point looks like never. Go figure. In the meantime though, we've yet to hit the halfway point on this thing, so let's get right to it, shall we?

Anybody remember what happened last episode? They met the future king, almost got raped by an evil prince, and got whisked away to safety on a hang glider. According to today's episode overview, Chibi-usa decides to leave the safety of the Crystal Palace while nobody is looking because... I guess she wants to sit on a swing and reminisce or something hell if I know.

I swear to christ this girl deserves to die. She really does. We begin today's episode by showing you the giant black coal chunk floating in space. Wait, is that supposed to be the "Dark Planet?"

Well if it's a giant hunk of coal I guess all the 'diamond'
stuff kind of makes sense after all.

We get to see the three stooges show up and Dimande is all "yo, Saphir, go increase the power of the Dark Crystal on the Earth, kay? Thanks." Why of course he's going to do that. But not before he takes a moment to tell his brother he should really stop trying to win over the skanky ho that has yet to die or submit to his will or anything thus far. Is he losing sight of the whole point here? The whole grudge shit that sent them to Nemesis in the first place?

Eh screw it, dude's the prince he can do whatever the hell he wants. He throws his bro across the room and is all like "boy, don't you give me no lip, go do your job". Then he goes to stare at an image of Neo Queen Serenity. Because... well, I guess he feels lonely or something if he doesn't stare at her image like, all the freaking time.

Title slide and GO. Neo Crystal Tokyo in the future post-apocalypse, Crystal Palace. It's pretty quiet. Except for Jupiter and her giant freaking mouth.

I think it is physically impossible for her not to mention
people dying every five minutes. Like, seriously.

The cats mention that there shouldn't be this much damage because of the Silver Crystal, so what's up with that? Then the kid drops her cat ball and the girls prepare to go search for those other two that haven't come back yet. Oh wait there's the ghost dude who... bullshits a computer out of nowhere I guess.

The hell did this thing come from?!

He shows them that Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask are just fine, and then... seconds later they come running up from behind.

... SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SHOWING THEM RUNNING TOWARDS YOU? Just say "hey those other two are coming" AND YOU HAVE SAVED YOURSELF A POINTLESS COMPUTER SHOWING THAT IS NEGATED MERE SECONDS LATER. SWEET JESUS.

A tearful reunion later, the two Mamorus are staring at one another and nobody is paying attention to the child. But then they all go to see mommy who is stuck inside a giant crystal anyways. So welcome, Sailor Moon, to meeting yourself. Chibi-usa runs up and is all 'hey I brought the people please wake up?' and Endymion is all "yeah, I don't actually know if she's even still alive. Also? We kinda... lost the Silver Crystal. Sooooo yeah. In case you were wondering."

How do you lose something like that? He doesn't even know. It just straight up came up missing one day. But it's a good thing Sailor Moon still has hers from the past. So why not try waking her up? I mean it's worth a shot right?

Moon Prism Power time folks. Shiny sparkles all over the place, but it seems to have no effect. Well darn.

One, Sailor Moon IS your mom. Two, no one is sure that's
even really the case.

Sailor Moon passes out and the kid goes running off, and Tuxedo Mask's reaction?

Brilliant. Also, didn't Sailor Moon just pass out like,
half a second ago?!

One moment. I have to provide proof of this egregious error.

My, what a quick recovery that was.

Anyways, we all know that anytime somebody says something like that is exactly when she does the thing she shouldn't do, and goes to sulk on a swing while crying for her mom. But then there's some laughter and Wiseman shows up to claim he will capture her. Oh, and now she's paralyzed so I guess that future sight thing is pretty awesome and works. He can see that she is full of fear and stuff, and starts playing around with her memories. Why, I guess she grew up with people saying she'd never become a real lady like her mom. So she went and took the Silver Crystal. Because, uh, I guess that way she'd know what it was like to be her mom.

This expression makes me think of Nanoha. Mmmm Nanoha...

So Chibi-usa accidentally'd the Silver Crystal, which prompted the explosion of the city. Whoops. Then her mom get put in a crystal and the evil empire attacked and that computer exploded and the city died and it was ALL HER FAULT. Maybe. Sort of. Nobody's sure. So being a small child of course she would want to immediately forget that she probably just kind of casually ENDED THE WORLD. I mean, the Silver Crystal just vanished after she touched it so clearly that makes it her fault.

But what I want to know is, why in the world would they not have something like that guarded? Or for that matter, why wasn't Neo Queen Serenity hanging onto that shit? I mean, even as a teen she's at least got it on her person at all times - it's the safest place, really. Are you telling me that she has somehow gotten worse at her job as time passes?

Anyhow Wiseman decides to play with hallucinations and all of the sailor scouts show up to blame her for screwing up everything. Oops. Guess that means it's her fault after all. Let's hammer that in home by showing her mom getting put into a crystal again.

Ah, but then he floats on up behind her and tells her that she needs to declare her innocence by force. And of course he can help her make them all understand that she is just completely innocent. No big deal. You just need to reach out.

He'll totally give you some sweet candy.

The kid leaves Puu behind, takes his hand, and then the Evil Black Crystal just glows like... like...

... yeah that's exactly what it looks like.

He mentions that his brother doesn't really get how dangerous this thing is. And I can't imagine why anyone would get the impression this thing is bad at all. I mean it's not like it has the word Evil in its name. Or Dark. I mean, come on, how bad can a crystal be anyway?

I'm sure the spiky tentacle things aren't dangerous either.

Saphir continues to speak aloud his misgivings towards Wiseman, to which Esmeraude seems to think nobody would actually listen to. Despite the fact that, well, the dude she wants to bone has been doing EXACTLY THAT THIS ENTIRE TIME. You'd think that for someone as obsessed as her over the guy she's pining for, she MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THIS at some point or other. But nah, he's probably just playing with that Wiseman fella.

Speaking of Dimande, he shows up to be all "yo, you do the thing I asked you to yet?" then vanishes as Esmeraude tries to say she can handle this thing. I guess he doesn't really care about you. Gee, how predictable. It's not like every other villain has suffered the same fate over the course of the last 25 episodes or anything.

Then Saphir laments about how if only he'd never fallen in love with that stupid Queen, why they'd have killed Sailor Moon and been done with this whole nonsense long ago. Which makes Esmeraude freak out because how dare anyone insinuate that he would have feelings for someone other than her. Despite the fact that... he's never actually shown any feelings for her whatsoever? You know, typical clingy bitch stuff.

She goes on to make a little speech about how she'll be the one using Wiseman in the end and she won't let that maybe dead but possibly not let's just call her comatose Queen wind up with the man she so rightly deserves to be with.

My god she is full of herself, and we are only halfway through.

Anyhow they go on a commercial break, and upon return to our regularly scheduled programming, it seems to be snowing outside the Crystal Palace. And then not snowing. Wait huh?

Esmeraude goes looking for Wiseman and hears some laughter, and is all "wait I thought we were out of Droids?" and Wiseman shows up to say a thing.

This is pertinent to the person you are talking to... why?

She takes this as him trying to tell her that bitch be tripping, and she's just hearing shit. So whatever she gets to the point: She'll be attacking the Crystal Palace, so boy needs to step off, or else. Oh but in the same breath, she has the audacity to say that she'll need more power to do it.

So he goes "uh, did the Prince order this or...?" and she's all "Hell naw, but I wanna take all the credit anyways so gimme". Wiseman responds by waving his hands over his crystal ball, and determining that he sees the queen that will be ruling in the near future.

Laying it on a little thick aren't you dude?

He strokes her ego a little more by saying that the difference between her and that other bitch? Why, it's practically nothing! She just needs a hit from the Black Crystal and she'll be all good. So he sends a crystal tiara out to her, and she says the dumbest thing in the world.

... but I'm going to do exactly what you just told me to anyways.

She'd do anything if it means being with Dimande though, deals with the devil included. So... literally so much for that whole "I'm not easy to bait but" statement, because apparently is so easily manipulated.

Then she gets a new wardrobe, and I have to ask myself: Were these guys huge fans of Slayers or something? Because... wow man. Wow.

She looks so much like Nagi at this point it hurts.

She proclaims herself the new queen, and promptly begins spewing dark miasma and he's all "lol, srsly you thought you could control that shit? Get real. Oh and die for me while your'e at it." Then she falls to teh ground, and she's all "Dimande I just wanted" and vanishes. And turns into a dragon.

Don't mind your girlfriend, it's just that time of the month.

Guess she's going to be in charge of that assault after all. Quick, use the oversized computer to see the thing which according to the shadow is six times larger than the house you are hiding in!

No, he literally does need a computer to see what's outside.

Endymion tells them not to panic though, because this super futuristic computer tells them that there is a thing on her head which they should probably attack. After all it's the only thing that doesn't look dragon-like, so that's a safe bet, right?

Oh and he tells them that thing is basically someone's heart, which turned them into that monster. So they should treat it gently or something?

Clearly not the kind of person who would be EVIL.

Super cheesy music plays and the girls decide they need to head out and do a thing. Since that's why they came to the future in the first place. Tuxedo Mask asks Future Tuxedo Mask to watch after the little girl who isn't even there anymore, and he's all "yeah sure no bigs" and they all run off to save the day.

Watch as the giant dragon crashes against the bubble! Tremble in excitement as the Future Sailor Scouts stand there doing nothing! Watch in horror as the dragon breathes fire and slaps its tail against the barrier! Reel in disbelief as Sailor Moon continues to act incredibly dumb!

And I mean really stupid.

Then the dragon notices them and does a fly by and they wonder how to fight this thing. Then Venus is all "eh, gonna hit it with a chain that does nothing, but still somehow hurts it anyways, so we should just keep attacking". Meanwhile, the not-even-conscious King is looking down at his comatose wife asking her to help the girls fighting outside when Puu rolls around and startles him. He clearly wasn't planning anything bad, not with a reaction like this.

Child's toy! I was... clearly not going to do anything bad!

The thought occurs to him that something probably happened to the kid, and we see the dragon tearing up some more shit while Jupiter does a thing. That seems to have an effect and at least grounds the beast for now, but it's far from over. Not that Sailor Moon is smart enough to realize this as she runs up only to be nearly devoured, but of course saved in the nick of time by Tuxedo Mask. So the other girls do their things too because they need screen time every now and again, but the dragon is too pro for them. So what do?

Why, don't give up! Just figure out what it really is and believe in justice.

This is hardly the time you know...

The couple of justice run off, a rose flies into the tiara, and Sailor Moon, uh, kind of stands there looking dumb for a moment before using her Moon Scepter. Stock footage time as she purifies the baddie.

The dragon crumbles into dust, and we are left with the holographic image of Esmeraude with a crown, who vanishes and then the crown follows shortly after. Oh and she falls into some dark abyss, and Dimande is all drinking wine and going "oh, dang, she's gone now. Oh well."

Upon their return to the supposed safe house, the girls learn that the King sort of wasn't paying attention and then the little girl up and vanished. Whoops. Sorry about that. Guess you shouldn't have trusted the future you to look out for your own daughter. How clumsy of you.

Then Wiseman is all "eh, Esmeraude died but that's fine, I don't care if they win here or not, I got what I came for ha ha ha" END OF EPISODE.

If there is one key takeaway from this entire episode, it's this:

Mamoru is a dick. Period. End of story.