Astarotte no Omocha EX PART ONE - Nabla of Happiness

Finally, we come to the very last episode of this show I ever want to force myself to sit through. EVER. Those of you suggesting that I am merely padding my time because I'm still searching for the next show to fill this space are absolutely correct. I mean, it's not as though I happen to have a list... or anything... that I'm constantly staring at in sheer horror wondering what person would be insane enough to even attempt watching them.

That and I'm trying to find something horrible that does NOT somehow involve paedophilia. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW F***ING DIFFICULT THIS TASK IS?!?!?!

Anyway. The final final episode of Astarotte. Let's do this.

It's nice to see they've just decided to drop any and all pretense and just open the show with... the opening for a change. There's nothing worth showing us beforehand I guess, though I suppose you could argue that the opening is the perfect opening for this show since it shows Asuha and Worst Father Ever showing up and Asuha tackling Lotte and all that. Whatever.

This j-pop song has not gotten any less annoying through repeated viewings by the way.

The first thing that we see is Lotte, and our title. It's edumacation time! This is a Nabla: ∇ No. I have zero idea why they thought this was a good idea. I'm actually mystified on this one. According to wikipedia, it's based on the Greek word for 'harp' and is basically ever only used in mathematics and naval engineering. It isn't even a real punctuation thing.

I am so very glad this is the last time I'm going to have to look this shit up because at this point they really have run out of ideas.

Anyway Lotte is in the garden and Asuha runs past her, which causes her skirt-whatever to lift up and... she says... "hole spotted".

Uh, what? Also, why was it necessary for us to see Lotte's panties up close and personal? Were they just really super proud of drawing how her tail comes out of her back? Because that's really all I can figure here.

... I did not miss you, not one little bit.

I guess Asuha is doing research on Lotte's striped panties.

Or 'stripanties'.

This is neither clever, nor funny, NOR EVEN NEWS.

Asuha is doing research for her 'project'. Which is a class assignment. Where they research 'anything they find interesting'.

This is officially the stupidest primary education system I've ever encountered. My god. Yes, let's not give the students categories to choose from, let's just let them look up anything they want. Scientific? Historical? Mathematical? Nah, it's whatever. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CLASS IS THIS SHIT ANYWAYS?!?!?!?!

So Asuha has decided her research subject is 'panties' and goes zooming off as soon as Zelda shows up, and I believe we have set the bar for the next twenty minutes.

... I am so sorry. I am so very, very, very sorry. I'm sorry that this has devolved to this point. That this show has hit rock bottom so very hard, and that I even have to ask you to read the rest of this review. I had nothing to do with this show and suddenly I am sorry it even exists. This is quite possibly the worst idea for an episode ever. And they are doing it.

This is what we have come to.

Panty research.

Don't worry. She's gonna be a doctor someday.

Zelda is wearing a loincloth I guess. Which makes zero sense but whatever. But every time Asuha makes one of these 'discoveries', the animators feel the need to accentuate the point with boldly-placed text and the sound of Japanese blocks slapping together as if it is some amazing revelation.

This stunt got old the first time it was done.

Then they show us what it actually is as Asuha stands up and it's not even really a loincloth. It's just that thing you see ancient Japanese people wearing. You know that weird underwear thing. It doesn't matter though because this is the extent of Asuha's research, and she zooms off to find some other victim to harass.

I am dreading the rest of this episode already. This was a terrible idea to begin with, and it can only end in pain for me.

So off to the kitchen, where we find out that Effie and Cu are wearing 'bloomers' which comes as no surprise because they wear dresses, and somehow Effie's already magnanimous bosoms have somehow grown even larger.

This is literally watermelon territory here.

Lotte shows up and is all "wow you get really fired up about panties" and Asuha says "Of course, studying panties is serious business."

This coming from the girl... who hates to wear them.

At two and a half minutes into this, which really is ONE MINUTE if you discount the intro, I already want to kill myself.

Next up is Judit who just... she just...

Oh god seriously someone just kill me now.

Judit's panties are 'extreme' and involve metal clips, string, and Cu suggesting that she might as well just be 'going commando'. In this show wouldn't that really just be going Asuha? Because she's always running around like that.

So next up with the great sage Ini. Who doesn't wear anything beneath that pink children's leotard because I guess when you are super smart and never grow to be larger than you were at age 8, who needs things like more than a single outfit?

There is, however, an incredibly uncomfortable long shot of Ini's crotch while she is sitting there, which makes me wonder: Do they not do background checks in the animation industry? Because I would probably want to fire the hell out of whoever thought this was a great idea for a show.

Then some guests arrive, and... oh just f***ing kill me already.

I am going to kill someone over this show aren't I.

It takes only seconds for Asuha to discover none of them are wearing anything underneath their clothes.

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Good god just NO.

That last one I feel merits a little explanation. See, in Japan, they refer to 'tights' like those as 'spats'. The actual word Asuha uses is "Spatsu". Which I guess is sort of clever but not really anything worth all of this bullshit.

Then Olaf and Naoya go out to the open air bath, which is pretty much just for them. And them only.

That noise you hear now is the sound of my sobbing.

This. This episode is literally the worst thing ever. Naoya literally says "dude everything is out in the open" and just continues to stare at Olaf in the creepiest manner possible. To which Olaf responds by... jiggling his hips.

... I considered making that a gif, but you know what?? I think this is already going to give you ENOUGH nightmares. There's no need to inflict further harm upon you. so I won't.

I will, however, point out that this is the exact moment Asuha bursts in on them, and her head is the only thing keeping us from seeing Olaf's junk. This is... this is so terrible it might as well be a work of art. I cannot describe this. I can only show it to you, just how absolutely, mind-bogglingly, stupifyingly, STUPID this shit is.

This image is technically work-safe. But it's sure not fit for anyone to see ever, I'm sure.

Can you identify all the things wrong with this image?

This is just without a doubt terrible. Horrifyingly, nightmare-inducingly horrific. I don't care if I used the same word twice but in two different ways. I simply do not give a f**k. Because that is how bad this one, single image is.

But the worst part?

The worst part is her father's face.

THIS IS THE WORST FATHER IN THE WORLD.

Asuha then runs off without skipping a beat and returns to the others with her find, completely oblivious to what she's actually borne witness to.

Then we learn what Lotte is researching: a dragon egg. Which just happens to be at the World Tree. Oh but then the mama dragon (the one they've been riding this entire time?) flies really close to where Lotte and Asuha are standing in a tree and not only knocks over the ladder they are standing on, but her own goddamn child's egg. Yes, a dragon knocks her own egg out of the tree. Why? Because they needed some sort of dramatic tension.

So. Lotte and Asuha fall. And fall. And fall. And Lotte grabs the egg and is super happy, and I have to ask the world a question.

Several questions, really.

That is the ladder they were standing on moments ago.

If they were standing on a ladder. Why is it tumbling down the tree in front of them? Did they climb up the tree with a ladder, for the reason that they would then need to use it further up in the tree? Considering how long Lotte has been falling, how far up did they even climb? For that matter, HOW IN THE HELL DID THEY EVEN GET THE LADDER UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

In fact, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT F***ING MIND LETS A GOD DAMNED PRINCESS CARRY A LADDER UP A GIANT MAGICAL TREE TO STUDY A F***ING DRAGON'S EGG.

... breathe. Just breathe. I need to breathe. I'm not even halfway through this yet and already I feel the need to set an orphanage on fire to make amends for this show.

Somehow Naoya and Olaf manage to save the girls from having fallen hundreds of feet by landing directly on them.

Asuha has finally become the absolute worst thing
about Astarotte no Omocha.

The egg is fine, but the nest is destroyed. Whatever will they do? The egg is getting ready to hatch, and an egg can't hatch without a nest. So Asuha comes up with the brilliant plan to gather everybody's underwear together to make a nest out of it.

.....

I'm speechless. Just. Absolutely speechless. Words. What are they even. I don't know.

What the hell am I watching?

This is stupidity on a literally epic scale. Then the egg starts to hatch and the first thing it sees is Lotte, but winds up burying itself in Asuha's briefs. Oh, and the dragonmom? It's just casually chilling with Olaf no big deal you guys can just do whatever with my kid not like I give a shit I mean I JUST KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE DAMN TREE FOR NO REASON ANYWAYS REALLY IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

Breathe. Breathe. Gotta breathe.

Next day the dragons are off, Asuha and Lotte are about to go to school, and Asuha names the hatchling Panty.

Unless it's going to suddenly get a sister named Stocking and will be raised by some crazy wild animal named Garterbelt, this is the most idiotic thing in the world. But honestly, who was expecting anything more at this point?

This is officially the lowest form of humor.

At this point, I would much rather be watching Naruto's Filler Hell. Honestly. I promise you that would be easier to deal with than this. And I've sat through all of that. Dick jokes, fart jokes, piss jokes... they all pale in comparison to this. This is a new low for anime. I just. I don't even.

I wish this was the end of this episode.

Fortunately, my wish is... sort of granted. In that this special bonus episode? It is actually multiple stories all rolled into on.

And you know what? I can't take any more. Not today. Not right now. I have to put it down. I have to. Because otherwise, I am literally going to murder something.

I need to rethink the way I am spending my life. Because this? THIS IS NOT WORTH IT.

NOTHING IS WORTH HAVING TO WATCH THIS. NOTHING. AT ALL. EVER.

NOT EVEN FOR LOVE.

.... but you just know I'm gonna keep watching it anyways.

Oh god what have I become...?