The Qwasar of Stigmata Episode 02 - Friendship of Masks

I don't think that there is enough alcohol in the world to make Qwaser a good show.

I mean, seriously, the only way this show could actually be worthwhile would be if it were an actual porn anime. Then it would immediately become more enjoyable because if you are watching porn for the story you are clearly doing it wrong.

With that having been said, the fact that this is a story we are supposed to be taking seriously is at best a laughable prospect. Because this show is failing to be funny, dramatic, or arousing. And if that's all it really had going for it... I think we are in trouble here.

So we begin the episode with... some girl wearing bondage leather and chained down to something with like eight guys around her...

You know what I can't even keep a straight face. I just can't. Five seconds in, and this is the stupid shit we are introduced to.

Congrats, the show sucks. You got your wish!

Right and then that dude from the last episode gets on top of her and starts sucking on her breasts and then we remember this is our 'heroine' or some shit and she's just had a really bad sexy dream. Or a really sexy bad dream? How do you actually describe rape dreams?

Oh wait sorry, her best friend is currently suckling on her teat so it wasn't a dream after all.

Yeah one would think that is a thing you would realize before going "Oh thank god, it was just a dream, I'll lay here for a few seconds and relax and why does my nipple still feel really weird?"

Yeah it's not like she isn't fully capable of sucking on her own.

Oh god, she goes on to tell Tomo, quite literally, that hers are in fact so big that she should just be sucking on her own.

... what is going on here? Is this show reading my mind? GET OUT OF MY HEAD QWASER NO GET OUT SERIOUSLY I DONT NEED YOUR SHIT F***ING ME UP ANY MORE GET OUT.

..... nope. It just broke me. At 59 seconds, I am broke. Because Tomo goes "Stupid Mafuyu, I can't..." then she thinks about it.

THEN SHE DOES IT.

She sucks on her own breast.

In front of her best friend.

Because...

.... because...

..... I have no f***ing clue.

... oh shit this is going to be a long episode isn't it.

So after wrestling around with her gal-pal who is suckling on her own teat in order to get her to stop sucking herself off, she grabs Tomo's forehead and is like "oh hey you have a fever?" and then we got a shot full of tit because TITTIES. And then we get the OP.

DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW BIOLOGY WORKS OR SOMETHING? LIKE ARE YOU NOT F***ING SIXTEEN OR SHIT HOLY GOD OF COURSE YOUR HEAD IS GOING TO BE WARM IF YOU ARE TOTALLY TURNED ON, NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FEVER. ALSO YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED THAT YOUR FRIEND IS TRYING TO SUCK ON BREASTS BECAUSE THAT IS EITHER A SIGN THAT SHE REALLY LIKES YOU OR THAT SHE HAS SUFFERED SOME FORM OF HIGHER BRAIN DAMAGE AND THINKS SHE IS LIKE SIX MONTHS OLD AGAIN.

It is gonna be a really long episode. Christ. I was ILL-PREPARED FOR THIS.

Right so it turns out that Tomo is sick yet again. Gee what a surprise, you established last episode that she has the immune system's equivalent of a wet paper towel, so of course she's going to be sick again. It's totally not going to continue to be a recurring thing either I'm sure. Whatever, so Mafuyu is sitting in church with some other chick who I don't even give a shit about. Why is she here? Oh right so anime-cliche'd Red-Haired Rukia can give us exposition.

You cannot genuinely tell me she does not in fact look like
Kuchiki Rukia from Bleach. BECAUSE SHE DOES.

But now it's time for class so off they go to the ringing of bells, but not before Mafuyu looks back at the portrait... Icon... I don't even know, THING, saying "I have to confirm it" and then runs off. What the hell is she confirming? How does this even make sense? Also why is Pastor Jean Starwind suddenly telling us shit about the 'icon' for no reason at all?!

Don't mind me, I'm just going to stand here and think words
to myself that make no sense out of context, and I
won't feel obligated to explain a goddamn one.

Right so now we get to see that dude from before and Mafuyu is all "what the hell is going on? What is up with that masked dude and how do they know me?" He begins by telling her about... that one thing.

Teddy of Titsville? Gotcha.

Okay so the 'heretics' want to gain control of this 'icon' thing, referred to as Teddy of Titticaca. Then the wind blows and instead of asking the obvious question "what the hell are you talking about what is this thing" Mafuyu instead elects to ask if it is really something worth killing over.

Yes because clearly someone who is going around basically murdering people for no reason is totally going to listen to logical explanations of how something isn't worth killing people over. I get the feeling they have ALREADY DONE THEIR HOMEWORK in the 'killing folks' department. But what do I know, I'm not a main character in an anime or anything.

So then she accuses him of basically just being a murderer and he decides to prove her point right by pointing a sharp object in her direction and crying out "What the hell do you know?!" Well clearly that you have a short fuse and give two shits about anyone and that you enjoy threatening people who would dare to accuse you of being any one of those things, because god forbid you might prove them right or something.

Oh my god it is so Emo in here my room is turning into Hot Topic.

Oh but then he has to get all weak suddenly and then threatens her away from helping him because... uh, reasons? He's all like "not gonna accept this, I won't approve of it" and leaving me thoroughly confused because... shouldn't this shit be making slightly more sense at this point? But then Ally passes out and falls right on Maffie's chest, and we get to see some little girl cring while people want to stick her with hot needles. Oh hey it's that girl who totally should've died last episode being forced to suck on someone's tits. Her name is Olja or something? Oh wait no it's totally Alek and now he realizes that hey it's that one girl with the big titties totally pushing them into my face and man this just got awkward right?

Ah but now he realizes he is dressed like a girl. Or something. Because he's probably a girl. Or maybe not? Oh no it's because his clothes were wet and Tomo had to do something about that and totally didn't just want to see him naked.

Don't worry because she won't try to make it any more awkward by oh wait never mind she is.

I really wish this were a hentai at this point. This would be
the part where they bang and everyone stops watching.

So he gets a lovely site full of her chest and then those other two people show up with food but Ally is like "screw this I'm going home". But then it turns out he's hungry and is forced to sit down and eat... Borscht. But he has the gall to complain about some "Japanese" people just totally f***ing it all up and not being worthwhile.

... wait. So you are telling me this school is SOMEWHERE IN JAPAN!??!?!?!??!?!

Somewhere. In Japan.

.... okay. Let's just go with that then. Whatever. So he tries borscht which is a recipe Mafuyu learned from her uncle and then he freaks out and starts chowing down after saying how delicious it is in Russian. I guess. I'm sure the Russian is way worse than the Engrish we grew up with. So he spends his time re-enacting the "totally starving" trope and then outside he's all like "oh okay I guess you guys can call me Sasha even though that makes no sense and I am touchy about that name but it's cool". All because of Borscht.

Then Teresa shows up to take Ally away, and Mafuyu is all like "hey are you okay after having your bodily fluids drained from your tits?" and she's all just like "yeah, it's cool". Oh but she also has to ask if it was embarrassing, which... she blushes so I guess it was but WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!

Oh dear god does NONE of this show even bother trying to make sense? What planet are these people FROM ANYWAYS?! I mean holy shit I have watched some bad stuff but these people are genuinely living on some other f***ing planet!

Teresa tells her to be careful and the two clerics walk away and now Mafuyu is taking a bath because they haven't met their quota of naked breasts yet. As evidenced by the fact that she immediately imagines Alek tapping on Teresa's nips again, just because.

Oh but she's not taking a bath alone, no, she has to take it with her two friends who are convinced that she is thinking about Sasha when she exlaims "oh god what am I thinking about?"

That is the sort of thing you generally do not announce in front of other people. Also, I have watched hentai with less nudity per minute, so... yeah I'm going to guess that baths are a big thing in this show, because considering the fact that it is in fact a part of the ending and the bath tub that girl was spinning around in is the one Mafuyu is bathing in, I'll just have to go ahead and say yeah, baths are a big thing.

Also, why do you have three people in a bathroom with one bathtub, but two of them aren't even in the tub?

But of course this scene continues to drag on with Tomo going "you must like Sasha because you haven't been this happy in forever" while her sideboob dances over a third of the camera's line of sight. Also, the fact that all of the girls seem to have different nipple types just goes to show how much thought they put into these characters. It's no wonder they want to show off their nips all the time, after all what's the point of making everyone unique if you can't flaunt that shit all the time in the first two episodes?

If only they had spent that much time on the actual characters themselves.

So now we finally learn this chick's name after she's had like FIVE FRIGGIN' MINUTES of screen time. Her name is Ayana and I will promptly forget it because I get the feeling we are going to get to know half the goddamn class before this stupid show is done and over with. She gets thanked for helping out and then asks what the heck is going on. After all, it seems like something dangerous is going on.

Then of course Mafuyu decides to tell her all about this Qwaser stuff while gripping her practice sword super tight. That sword seems to have some vaguely magical properties because it has been broken and immediately repaired. I realize this is still Japan I guess but still, those things don't exactly grow on trees, so what, they regenerate between scenes I guess? Must be nice.

Anyways Mafuyu is pretty sure those people are after that painting or something, and Ayana is like "so do you have any idea where it is?" but nope, she's totally not about to go off trying to force information out of her fri- oh wait yes she is. To the point where she is getting a little creepy.

You are super subtle. Super. Subtle.

But of course the girl is like "maybe something your uncle told you that not even Tomo knows?" and then Mafuyu gets a bolt of inspiration and then that one chick from last episode shows up again, outside the window. Just. You know. Casually chilling. Hanging out, if you will. Wanted to drop in I guess. Just thought she would fly by.

There's probably a million more puns I could make. But I won't.
But I could. And that's what matters most.

Right so she just felt the need to jump into the conversation. Come on, you know I just couldn't resist throwing one more joke in there. Anyways the window explodes, Aya-whoever gets taken by magical chain whips for no reason and goes flying into the sky, and Mafuyu is left wondering what the hell. So she runs outside in her underwear to rescue her friend, and I've got to wonder, what exactly is the thought process going on here? Why did the villain feel the need to lure her out of the house? Why not just invade it, take the girl and be done with it? What is being direct just not quite evil enough for you? She decides to show off her evilness by exploding Glasses-tits' shirt because I guess that's embarrassing or something, I mean they just TOOK A BATH TOGETHER so I kind of doubt that having your chest exposed to your BEST FRIEND is really going to be MUCH OF A F***ING SHOCKER AT THIS POINT.

So the evil lady is basically "tell me something about Teddy of Tijuana and I won't cut off your friend's nipples".

At least that's the insinuation, I mean what the hell ELSE could she be threatening to do by putting a knife up to the girl's exposed nipple? Like seriously.

... Right, this girl just FLEW THROUGH THE AIR. And you
think your friend is going to be able to save you? Pffft.

It's at this moment Mafuyu recalls what Alek said to her at the end of the last episode about needing to protect yourself, and if you can't do that you're not worth being alive. Which... helps her in this situation how exactly? I don't get it. But whatever, she's all "okay, look, just let the girl go okay?" and I'm like, hold on, are you serious? You really think just asking her to let your pal go is going to work? She's told to throw away her sword and spill the beans, so Mafuyu does, in fact, throw the sword, which then goes into slow-mo for... some reason.

Oh but it turns out that suddenly Mafuyu is an anime heroine who is able to close the distance of like, 40 feet and pick up her sword and knock off the lady's mask because... uh. Because... because...

No, I actually have no clue. I'm pretty lost again. When did she suddenly become some kind of badass? Because I'm pretty sure that this was the big thing from last episode was that she was not, in fact, some kind of badass.

So there's a moment of realization as she discovers the true identity of this masked culprit: Tomo! Wait, what?

Uh. What?

They go with the whole mindf**k route, as Tomo is all "please you thought you were protecting me? Pfffft" and goes all along the lines of trying to make her hate her for some reason, and once again asks her just what was the deal with her dad anyways.

At this point it's almost painfully obvious that this is just another magical bullshit thing because let's be honest here, this girl has entirely the wrong body type to be Tomo. After all, where's her giant knockers? Certainly not under that cloak that's for sure. But then Sasha and Teresa show up and he's all "you suck at magic disguises" and all does the badass animu run forward thing while Mafuyu screams not to hurt Tomo that looks nothing like Tomo anymore. Oh and now Ayana is the one with the chains. What a tweest!

Somewhere, M. Night Shamalyan is touching himself.

Then Sasha tells us how brilliant he is by realizing that thing was a puppet the entire time, and he tells his enemy, Choreographer, that she is the one who will need to be defeated.

Yeah. Choreographer. Also, she is totally going to fight this entire time with everything hanging out because I guess that's just how she rolls. Also, why the f**k would you threaten someone's BREASTS over their life?! What IS IT with you f***ing people and your strange unhealthy obsession with oppai?!?!?!

Oh but it turns out I was wrong you see, because she won't be fighting with it all hanging out. She's just ordered a wardrobe change.

This? This is just disturbing as hell.

Turns out though that this was, in fact, the real Tomo, who I guess is just... I dunno. Doll-ified or something? She's just kinda sitting there being groped in public for some odd reason. She just keeps on talking and talking and then Teresa tells us to basically ignore everything she says.

THIS ENTIRE SHOW CONFUSES PEOPLE.

So Sasha does that thing where she pops out a tit and talks some stuff and Alistair there has himself a little milk snack, and then Choreographer is all like "Oh yeah? Well I got some titties to suck right here too!" and decides to have hserlf a taste too. And gets way too into it. So it turns out that Tomo's "Soma" or breast milk is super magical or some shit. Then she talks about magnesium being harder than steel or something, and Tomo's VA is busy forgetting that she is not in fact acting in some sort of hentai flick as it sounds like Tomo is constantly on the verge of an orgasm, and then she... uh, tightens a black cloth around Tomo or something?

Yeah I really don't understand this show at all. Then she starts rubbing Tomo's nipple in front of the camera and is all like "daww, should we let the boy suck on you too? Should we show him how cute you are?" and I am definitely confused. Because this is not an animated porn, and this doesn't match up with ANYTHING WE HAVE SEEN AT ALL up until this point. This is literally here for the sole purpose of trying to find desperate ways to get people to watch your show.

Complete with the part where we get to see Tomo's nipples literally pop out.

My god. And this somehow managed to get aired uncensored on network television in Japan. And yet THEY WERE GIVING PEOPLE SHIT ABOUT F***ING PUPA?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!

We get to see another minute or so of delicious breast suckling of course, and only then does it FINALLY grate on Alan's nerves that something should be done about this, and decides he is maybe a little ticked off or something he's not exactly sure himself.

Uh, sorry, but too late?

So then his opponent is all "the difference in this fight is our Soma, what are you going to do?" and he replies, "My anger will make up for the difference."

.... are you f***ing with me? Is that seriously your answer here? Your ANGER? Your quietly smoldering half-caring not even really annoyed anger? But I guess his burning heart is going to let him succeed and then his earring explodes and the scythe glows and they start fighting with some stupid bullshit stuff. Then the woman tries to set Tomo on fire but suddenly the fire is put out because SCIENCE SULLSHIT and then she dies the end.

Oh goody somebody died let's hope this trend continues.

Of course the woman is all like "this is impossible" and he's all just calmly "shouldn't have made me angry", and I'm like "CAN WE JUST STOP PRETENDING TO ACT AND JUST SAY HEY THANKS KILLED YA BYE?"

So I guess he tries to explain why she lost or something but then she's all "pfft you didn't win yet" and yanks the scythe out with lots of wonderful blood all over the place, and despite her sternum clearly having been run through, she is still able to continue making words without having to actually breathe to do it.

Oh for the love of JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!

Then she explodes into blue flame and FINALLY shuts up after screaming, and Mafuyu cries over Tomo and Albion is like "sooo yeah, they're totally going to attack Tomo now for no reason" and THEN A DISEMBODIED VOICE IS ALL LIKE "Sup iron kid, you're pretty cool."

NO I AM NOT F***ING WITH YOU THIS IS WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

Oh hey there voice in my head where did you come from?

But of course our buddy there tells us that this is the voice of the Qwaser of Gold.

I... guess this is a Qwaser? I'm still lost on that one.

Blah blah he's a godo fighter but if he wants to fight them he will never again know peace etc etc, and he's all like "you scarred my face Imma kill you" and he's all like "oh okay, cool well, uh, don't die before we meet I guess" and the flame vanishes. So now Mafuyu gets to be all concerned over Tomo in bed while she questions, once again, what the hell is actually going on. Which is a reasonable question to ask, seeing as how NONE OF THIS IS MAKING ANY SENSE AT ALL. Why if they were after the Icon why attack Tomo?

*sigh* In true catholic fashion though he's all "if you are scared of heretics leave, I swear on this cross that I will protect Tomo for you" and honestly YOU ARE ONCE AGAIN NOT ANSWERING HER QUESTION. HER QUESTION IS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, AND YOU ARE INSTEAD TELLING HER SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HER ISSUE IS QUITE CLEARLY NOT THAT SHE IS SCARED FOR HERSELF BUT IS VERY CONCERNED FOR HER BEST FRIEND WHO WAS JUST F***ING ATTACKED BUT NO, YOU CAN'T EVEN SEEM TO WRAP YOU STUPID PEA-SIZED GOURD AROUND THAT SHIT!!!!

Wow this show is really getting to me. Class happens and the class finds out that Fat Albert is now living with those other two girls and Pinky there is super mad. Meanwhile, the Priestly captain of the Outlaw Star is on the phone talking about how the heretics took the bait and everything is all cool. Oh and tehn I guess some girl is traveling to Japan, on a boat, with a coffin that supposedly has her mother in it.

I got it. Let's play tag. I'm it.

FINALLY this show ends, and for the love of god it could not have happened sooner.

It could not. Have happened. Sooner.

There's another 22 episodes of this shit?! I mean holy crap if this much is an indecipherable mess in just TWO EPISODES what the hell are they going to do with the rest of the show?!

Sweet christ is this show just plain awful.